Jokes

[Bear]

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.
So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
“Pardon me, sir, I’m Rebecca Smith from CNN. What’s your name?
“Morris Fishbien,” he replied.
“Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?”
“For about 60 years.”
“60 years! That’s amazing! What do you pray for?”
“I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims.”
“I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. ”
“I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man.”
“How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?”


“Like I’m talking to a brick wall!"

[Iceman]

A Priest kept chickens at his village parish.
One evening the cock went missing.
At mass the priest asked,
"Who has a cock?"
All the men got up.....
"No! I meant who has seen a cock?"
All the women got up..
"No, No! Who has seen a cock that isn't theirs?"
Half the women got up.
"Oh!!! For goodness sake! Who has seen my cock?
"All the nuns got up!!

[Iceman]

In a second grade class, a little girl asks, 'Teacher, can my Mommy gets pregnant?'

'How old is your mother, dear?' Asks the teacher.

'Forty,' She replies.

'Yes, dear, your mother could get pregnant.'

The little girl then asks, 'Can my big sister get pregnant?'

'Well, dear, how old is your sister?'

The little girl answers, 'Nineteen.'

'Oh yes, dear, your sister certainly could get pregnant.'

The little girl then asks; 'Can I get pregnant?'

'How old are you, dear?'

The little girl answers,' I'm seven years old.'

'No, dear, you can't get pregnant...'

Then, the little boy behind the little girl gives her a poke and says, 'See, I told you we had nothing to worry about!'

[Benz]

Life-savers, the candy with the hole in the middle.......
A teacher handed out lifesavers packets to the children of her class, an experiment designed to explain to them the corrolation between vision and taste.
The children began to identify the flavors by their color:

Red.....................Cherry
Yellow.................Lemon
Green..................Lime
Orange ...............Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste.

The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror,

spit her lifesaver out and yelled,

'Oh my God! They're ass-holes!

The teacher had to leave the room!

[Elapid]

Delete.....bloody Shadowzone

[Bear]

A retired couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Tamworth .

Bert always wanted a pair of R.M. WILLIAMS boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'

Margaret looked him over. 'No Darl.'

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for new R.M. Williams boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow, 'cause its always that way'

Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET? DO YOU?'

'No Darl', she replied.

'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT ME NEW R.M. WILLIAMS BOOTS!!!!'

Without changing her expression, Margaret replied,

'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.'

[rod185651]

COP vs. LITTLE GIRL
A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street, when a little girl
on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.
'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'
'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.
The cop said, 'Next year, tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it!'
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Nice horse you've got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?'
Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered,
'Yes, he sure did!'
The little girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Next year tell Santa... the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top.'

[Bob]

Kevin Rudd called Julia Gillard into his office one day and said
>
> "Julia, I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win the country
> voters".
>
> "Good idea Leader, how will we go about it"? said Julia.
>
> "Well", said Rudd, "we get ourselves one of those Driaza Bone coats,
>
> some RM Williams boots, a stick and an Akubra hat. Oh, and a blue cattle
>
> dog. Then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a typical old outback
>
> country pub, we'll show we really enjoy the bush".
>
>
> "Right" said Julia.
>
>
> Days later, all kitted out and with the requisite blue heeler, they set
>
> off from Canberra in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at
>
> just the place they were looking for and found a typical outback pub.
>
> They walked in with the dog and up to the bar.
>
>
> "G'day mate", said Rudd to the bartender, "two middies of your best
>
> beer".
>
> "Good afternoon Leader", said the bartender, "two middies of our best
>
> coming up".
>
> Gillard and Rudd stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and
>
> chatting, nodding now and again to whoever came into the bar for a
>
> drink. The dog lay quietly at their feet.
>
> All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a
>
> grizzled old stockman, complete with stock whip. He walked up to the
>
> cattle dog, lifted its tail with the whip and looked underneath,
>
> shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar. A few moments
>
> later in came another old stockman with his whip. He walked up to the
>
> dog and lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and went
>
> back to the other bar.
>
> Over the course of the next hour or so another four or five stockmen
>
> came in and lifted the dog's tail and went away looking puzzled.
>
> Eventually, Rudd and Gillard could stand it no longer and called the
>
> barman over.
>
> "Tell me" said Rudd, "why did all those old stockmen come in and look
>
> under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old outback custom?"
>
>
> "Strewth no", said the barman. "Someone told 'em there was a cattle dog
>
> in the bar with two arseholes"..
>

[Bob]

How To Shower Like a Woman

Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry
basket according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to
do more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower...

Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins..

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red..

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mold spots with Tile cleaner.

Get out of shower.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel..

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas.


How To Shower Like a Man

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.

Get in the shower.

Wash your face.

Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower...

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair.

Make a Shampoo Mohican

Wee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.

Admire willy size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

[Bear]

A Irish man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he
comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river.
He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of
alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

The drunk shouts, 'Yes, oi am.'
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.

He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'

The drunk replies, 'No, oi haven't found Jesus.'

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer..

He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found
Jesus me brother?'

The drunk again answers, 'No, oi I haven't found Jesus.'

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in
the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, 'For the love of God have you found Jesus?'

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the
preacher, 'Are you sure this is where he fell in?'

[bjrog2@hotmail.com]

Surprised nobody has made this joke so far:

http://www.asfphotos.com/upload/1255872783.jpg

[gumby190]

Ad Posted to a U.S. “Personals”
To the Guy who tried to mug me in downtown Savannah night before last.

Date: 05-27-09, 1:43 AM EST

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings.

I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment when I drew my pistol after you took my Jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.

My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening.

Obviously you agree that it is a very Intimidating weapon when pointed at your head wasn't it?

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from bare footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

After I called your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as four other people's in the gas station on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb just after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.

Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.

Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours,
Alex

[Bob]

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a
mental hospital. One day while they were walking
past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly
jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.


Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the
bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse
Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the
hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally
stable.


When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I
have good news and bad news. The good news is
you're being discharged, since you were able to
rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and
saving the life of the person you love. I have
concluded that your act displays sound
mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom
with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him..
I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there
to dry. How soon can I go home?'

[Bear]

A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'
Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close.
The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'
A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. A gain he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time.'
As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, 'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really Give away free sex at all.'
Paddy replied, 'No it's genuine enough Mick. My wife won twice last week.'

[Bear]

A psychiatrist was
conducting a group therapy session with four young
Mothers and their small children. You all have
obsessions,' he observed.


To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed
with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.'


He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is
with money. Again, it manifests itself in your
child's name, Penny.'


He turned to the third Mom, Kathy: 'Your obsession is
alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's
name, Brandy.'

At this point, the fourth mother, Joyce, quietly got up,
took her little boy by the hand and
whispered, 'Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what
he's talking about. Lets pick Willy up from school
and go home.

[boris]

Bert and Edna are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary and they go back to the same motel and stay in the same room they did on their wedding night 50 years before after dinner Edna starts slowly stripping in front of Bert and seductively asks him "what were you thinking this time 50 years ago Bert?" he says "I was thinking how I was gonna suck your tits dry and fuck your brains out" she's got her gear off by now and asks "so what are you thinking now?" he says "just thinking what a fucking good job I did Edna"

[Bear]

1. Teaching Maths in 1970
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?

2. Teaching Maths In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is 80% of the price. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Maths In 1990
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80. How much was his profit?

4. Teaching Maths In 2000
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Maths In 2005
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. Your assignment: Discuss how the birds and squirrels might feel as the logger cut down their homes just for a measly profit of £20.

6. Teaching Maths In 2009
A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the felling licence. He is also fined a £100 as his chainsaw is in breach of Health and Safety legislation as it deemed too dangerous and could cut something. He has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without incident however he does not have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered to be a recidivist and habitual criminal. His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout all government agencies. He protests and is taken to court and fined another £100 because he is such a n easy target. When he is released he returns to find Gypsies have cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land. He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned and fined a further £100. While he is in jail the Gypsies cut down the rest o f his wood and sell it on the black market for £100 cash. They also have a leaving barbecue of squirrel and pheasant and depart leaving behind several tonnes of rubbish and asbestos sheeting. The forester, upon release, is warned that failure to clear the fly -tipped rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offence. He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced £12,000 plus VAT for safe disposal costs by a regulated government contractor.

Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be arrested and fined before he realises that he is never going to make £20 profit by hard work, give up, sign onto the dole and live off the state for the rest of his life?

7. Teaching Maths In 2010
A logger doesn’t sell a lorry load of timber because he can’t get a loan to buy a new lorry because his bank has spent all his and their money on a derivative of securitised debt related to sub- prime mortgages in the UK and lost the lot with only some government money left to pay a few million pound bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who made the biggest losses.

The logger struggles to pay the £1,200 road tax on his old lorry however, as it was built in the 1970s, it no longer meets the emissions regulations and he is forced to scrap it.

Some Columbian loggers buy the lorry from the scrap merchant and put it back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and send their cash back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves and their relatives. If questioned they speak no English and it is easier to deport them at the government's expense. Following their holiday back home they return to the UK with different names and fresh girls and start again. The logger protests, is accused of being a bigoted racist, and as his name is on the side of his old lorry he is forced to pay £1,500 registration fees as a gang master.

The Government borrows more mon ey to pay more to the bankers as bonuses are not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out and claim the difference on expenses and allowances.


8. Teaching Maths In 2017

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ÇáËãä. ãÇ 80 åæ ÇáÑÈÍ áå¿

[336LJ]

^^ that is AWESOME!

[wackyrider]

That's great bear

[Bear]

No.8 should actually be in arabic but that font may not be available on this site.

[Hagarr]

Absolute Corker!!

[Bob]

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.
Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The first woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?'

The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The second woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?'

The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The third woman came to him and said, 'Have you ever been f****d?'

The fellow's eyes lit up and with a big grin he said, 'No.'

She said, 'You will be when the tide comes in.'

[Bob]

Dave and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name calling, Dave headed home, frustrated.

The following week, when Dave's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Dave was already there. He was already sitting at the campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a camp fire
glowing.

"How did you talk your missus into letting you go Dave?"
"I didn't have to," Dave replied. I went home from work last night and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then the ol' lady snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'... When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see-through negligee and she said, 'Carry me into the bedroom and tie me
to the bed and you can do whatever you want'......SO HERE I AM!"

[scotty mac]

A queer walked into a gay bar and.....


aw nevermind, you were probably there and saw the whole thing..

[hotmilk]

I got the Christmas lights out last night....

They remind me of niggers. They're all chained together, hardly any of them work and they look best hanging from a tree.

[livewire]

There were two golfers on the golf course. One of the men pulled out a cigarette, and asked his friend for a light. His friend pulls out a 12 inch Bic lighter.
- "Woah, where did you get such a large Bic?"
- "Oh, my genie got it for me."
- "Your genie? You have a genie? Where is he?"
- "He is in my golf bag."
- "Can I see him?"
So the friend looks in the bag and out comes the genie. The man says to the genie; "I am your master's best friend. Would you grant me just one wish?"
The genie says "yes, just one wish". So the man wishes for a million bucks. The genie goes back in the golf bag without saying a word. Pretty soon, the sky starts to get dark. Then it gets even darker. The man looks up and sees a million ducks. He gets real upset, and says "what is the matter with your genie? Is he hard of hearing? I said a million Bucks, not a million Ducks."
"Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch Bic?"

[livewire]

Last night I was talking to a young, good looking woman. She asked me if I liked breasts or legs.
I told her what I really liked was a shaved snatch.


Apparently I'm not welcome back at KFC.

[Bear]

Deep in the back woods, of Albert County New Brunswick Canada,
a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night,
and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, 'Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing!'

Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.
'Whoa there', said the doctor, 'Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there's another one coming..'

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.
'Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!'
Said the doctor.
Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby
'No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!' cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, 'You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?'

[Bear]

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy
dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his
wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his
problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will
cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.

The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he
writes a letter of complaint.

A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:

Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit.
The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you
will really look the part.

The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint.

A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.

[Bob]

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she yells out....

"Pa, You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nothin' wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

So.......Pa mossies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back,

"Ma There ain't nothin' wrong with the outhouse! "

Ma replies, "Stick your head in the hole!"

Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin' my head in that hole!"

Ma says, "Ya have to stick your head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back,

"Ma There ain't nothin' wrong with this outhouse!"

Ma yells back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling,

"Ma Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"



To which Ma replies, "Hurts, don't it ?!"


.

[Bob]

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.

He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie 's in the display window?'

The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir?

We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie
for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.

The amazed father asks: 'It 's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls

[Bear]

After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 200 years ago.

New Zealand scientists not to be outdone by the Poms, in the weeks that followed dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in the NZ newspapers read: "New Zealand archaeologists have found traces of 250 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the Brits."

One week later, Australian TV reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 meters in his backyard in Arakun, Billy Bunyip, a tribal elder, reported that he found absolutely nothing, and Billy has therefore concluded that 300 years ago indigenous Australians had already gone wireless."

[Bob]

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.

She knocked on the door then immediately
walked in. She was shocked to see her
daughter-in-law lying on the Couch, totally
naked.

Soft music was playing, and the aroma of
perfume filled the room.

'What are you
doing?' she asked.


'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from
work.' The daughter-in-law answered.

' But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.


'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law
explained.


'Love dress? But you're naked!'

'Justin loves me to wear this dress,' she
explained.

'Every time he sees me in this dress, he
instantly becomes romantic and ravages
me for hours.'

The
mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best
perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting
for her husband to arrive..

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

' What are you doing?' he asked.

'This is my love dress,' she whispered,
sensually.


'Needs ironing,' he said,
'What's for dinner?'

[gibbo]

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do lawyers use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
20 kgs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in year 9.
Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.

What's the difference between a porcupine and a police car?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
'Are you sure it's mine?'

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What's the difference between an Australian zoo and an English zoo?
An Australian zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... Word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern USA fairytale and a southern USA fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time..'
A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shiit...'

Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

[HOS]

A man comes home to find his wife in bed with his best mate.....
so he stabs his mate to death.

His wife says: "that was a bit silly?....carry on like that and you'll have no mates left "...

[336LJ]

ahaha ^

[Fish]

Apparently, the only person who can beat Tiger Woods with a golf club is his wife.

What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.

Tiger Woods was injured in a car accident as he pulled out of his driveway early Friday morning. It was Woods' shortest drive since an errant tee shot at the US Open.

What was Tiger Woods doing out at 2.30 in the morning? He'd gone clubbing.

Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn’t decide between a wood and an iron.

Perhaps Tiger should be using a driver?

This is the first time Tiger’s ever failed to drive 300 yards

Apparently, Tiger admitted this crash was the closest shave he’s ever had. So Gillette has dropped his contract.

Tiger Woods wasn't seriously injured in the crash. He's still below par though.

Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one.

What does tiger woods and baby seals have in common?

They have both been clubed by a norwegian.

[Bear]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by St Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said,

'You must each have something to symbolize Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.

He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.

He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets

and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked,

'And just what do those symbolize?'
The man replied, 'These are Carols.'

[Bear]

An elderly man lay dying in his bed.
While suffering the desperate agony of impending death,
he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones
wafting up the stairs.


Mustering his remaining strength, he somehow got up and
leaning on the wall, slowly made his way out of the bedroom,
and with huge effort, gripping the Railing with both hands,
he finally managed to crawl downstairs.

With failing breath, he managed to open the kitchen door
Were it not for the pain of descent and death's horrid agony,
he genuinely would have thought he was already in heaven,
for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were
literally hundreds of his favourite scones.


Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love
from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years,
seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself
towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture.

His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone
at the edge of the table, when suddenly
it was smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon........


F**k off" she said, "they're for the funeral."

[Bob]

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so.

I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy.
There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the
counter and she could see that I was new at it.

She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.


I honestly answered, 'No, this is my first time.'



So she unwrapped the package, took one out and
slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make
sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still
looked confused. So she looked all around the store
to see if it was empty. It was empty.

'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.




Taking my hand, she led me into the back room,

unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked

her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She

asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do

was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.




As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt,

removed her panties and lay down on a desk.

'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that

unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and

KAPOW, I was done within a few minutes.




She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you

put that condom on?' she asked.

I said, 'I sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.

[Bastard]

Q)What does a blonde and a Screen door have in common?
A) The more you bang, the Looser it gets.

[Bastard]

Q)Why is a blonde like a shotgun?
A)Give her a cock, and shes ready to blow.

[Bastard]

Q) Whats the Differance between a blonde and a Mesquito?
A)When you slap the Mesquito it stops sucking

[Bastard]

Q. What do you do if a Blonde throws a pin at you?
A. Run, she's got a grenade in her mouth!

A blonde goes into a laundry mat and asks to have her sweater cleaned. The laundromat attendant doesn't hear her correctly and says, "come again?" The blonde blushes slightly and giggles, "oh, no it's just mustard this time."

A boy takes his girlfriend home after going out together. When they reach the front door, he leans against the wall with one hand and says,

"Sweetie, can you give me a blowjob?"
"What? Are you crazy!?"
He says "Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem."
"No!! Someone may see -- a relative, a neighbor, anyone..."
"At this time of the night? No one will show up honey..."
She insistantly says "I've already said NO. Someone will see us."
At this point he pleas one last time, "My love... Please don't be like that..."

At that moment, the girlfriend's younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown with her hair totally in disorder. Rubbing her eyes, she says,

"Dad says either you have to blow him, I have to blow him, or he will come down and give the guy a blowjob himself, but for God's sake, tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the damn intercom button!"

A man and his son were talking about sex.

The son asked his father, "dad, what does a pussy look like?"

The dad asked him, "before or after sex?"

"Ummmm, before sex", the kid replied.

The dad said, "have you ever seen a beautiful red rose with soft red petals?"

"Yeah" said the son.

"Well, what about after sex?" said the son.

His dad replied, "have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise"!!!

Q. Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
A. It's not real bright, but its cheap, and spreads easy.

[StuNVA]

Sky Sports Breaking News:

It has been announced that next years shirt sponsor for Tiger Woods will be Tampax.

A spokesman for Tampax said "To sponsor a cunt going through a bad period is exactly what our company is all about"

[Bob]

A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which country had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeckable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers ). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.

The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeckable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country? After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:

Apparently, Tiger Woods was right, when he said, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.

[Shadowzone]

Paki and a nigger fall off blackpool tower at the same time,
Who hits the ground first?
Although im sure ur tempted to say who gives a fuck,
The actual answer is the nigger,
As the paki is a shade lighter.

[StuNVA]

A Blacktown girl goes to Centrelink to register for child benefits.
"How many children?" asks the assessor

"Six" replies the Blacktown girl,

"Six?" says the Centrelink worker."What are their names?"

"Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan & Nathan."

"Doesn't that get confusing?"

"Naah..." says the Blacktown girl, "Its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have shout 'NATHAN, YER DINNER'S READY!' or 'NATHAN GO TO BED NOW!' and they all do it..."

"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed Centrelink worker.

"That's easy," says the Blacktown girl... "I just use their surnames"

************************************************** *******************

A Fairfield girl enters an adult shop & asks for a vibrator.

The man says: "Choose one from our range on the wall."
She says "I'll take the red one."

The man replies: "That's a fire extinguisher."

************************************************** *******************
Q. Two Redfern girls jump off a cliff. Who wins?

A. Society.

************************************************** *******************
Q. What do you call a 30 year old Mt Druitt girl?

A. Granny.

************************************************** *******************
Q. Why did the Redfern girl cross the road?

A. To start a fight with a complete stranger for no reason whatsoever.

************************************************** *******************
Q. What do you call a Bankstown girl in a white tracksuit?
A. The bride.

************************************************** *******************
Q. What's the first question during an Wentworthville quiz night?

A. What you looking at?

************************************************** *******************
Q. What does a Mt Druitt girl use as protection during sex?

A. A bus shelter.

************************************************** *******************
Q. Two Cabramatta kids in a car without any music - who is driving?

A. The policeman.

************************************************** *******************
Q. What's the most confusing day in Blacktown ?

A. Fathers day

************************************************** *******************
Q. How do people know Jesus wasn't born in Blacktown ?

A. You try finding 3 wise men and a virgin there!

[OLD SKOOL BANDIT]

Went to a charity disco last week in aid of women born without legs, dance floor was crawling with fanny.

What's the difference between a women and a condom nothing if she's not on your knob she is in your wallet

They reckon that beer contains female hormones. They might be right, because after 16pints I talk like a cunt and can't fucking drive!

[MONO]

THIS OUGHT TO MAKE ALL GRANDPAS FEEL WARM & FUZZY

A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her Grandpa.

When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa's room .....

"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

"What?" said her Grandpa.

"Make a noise like a frog - because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disneyland !"

[Bear]

Understanding Engineers - Take one
Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said,

'Where did you get such a great bike?'

The second engineer replied, 'Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want.'

The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, 'Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway.'



Understanding Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full.

To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.

To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.


Understanding Engineers - Take Three

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, 'What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes !'

The doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!'

The priest said, 'Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.'

He said, 'Hello, George! What's wrong with that group ahead of us they're rather slow, aren't they?'

The greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving

our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'

The group fell silent for a moment.

The priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'

The doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm speak to my ophthalmologist colleague to see if we can help.'

The engineer said, 'Why can't they play at night?'


Understanding Engineers - Take Four
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.


Understanding Engineers - Take Five
The graduate with a science degree asks, 'Why does it work?'

The graduate with an engineering degree asks, 'How does it work?'

The graduate with an accounting degree asks, 'How much will it cost?'

The graduate with a performing arts degree asks, 'Do you want fries with that?'


Understanding Engineers - Take Six
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.

One said, 'It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.'

Another said, 'No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections.'

The last one said, 'No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer.

Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?'



Understanding Engineers - Take Seven
Normal people believe that if it isn't broken, don't fix it.

Engineers believe that if it isn't broken, it doesn't have enough features

[MONO]

The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor in a small town in Ireland. One day he was walking down the high street when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The Reverend wasn't happy!


He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.

"Miss Fitzgerald," he said sternly - "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"

"Sure!" she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Miss Fitgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The pub landlord looked over and said, "Oy mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub."

The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, "But you don't understand. - I'm Pastor Fluff."
The landlord said, "Ah well, if you're that far in, ye might as well finish."

[336LJ]

How many calories are in eating pussy?

Depends which way she wipes..

[MONO]

Q/ Whats a farmers biggest problem if he plants a field of vibrators???

A/ Squatters.

[MONO]

You are blonde and on a bus, when you suddenly fart.

Luckily the music is very loud.

So every time you fart, you time it with the music.

When you start making your way to the door as you exit the bus

Everybody is throwing dagger looks at you, and you suddenly realize.

Your listening to your ipod

[MONO]

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him,

'My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor.'

'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,' Mike replies.

'There's a diagnostic computer down at Bunnings. Just give it a urine

sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do
about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs $10 . . . A lot cheaper than a Doctor.'

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Bunnings.

He deposits $10, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine

sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy

activity. It will improve in two weeks.

Thank you for shopping @ Bunnings.'

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe

began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from

his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Bunnings, eager to check the results.

He deposits $10, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:


1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a solicitor.

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Bunnings :-)

[Large]

A Saudi couple, Ahmed and Layla, preparing for their wedding, meet with their Mullah for counselling. The Mullah asks if they have any last questions before they leave.

Ahmed asks, "We realise it's tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance together." "Absolutely not," says the Mullah. "It's immoral. Men and women always dance separately."

"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?" "No," answered the Mullah, "It's forbidden in Islam."

"Well, okay," says Ahmed, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?" "Of course!" replies the Mullah, "Allah Akbar! Sex is OK within marriage, to have children!"

"What about different positions?" asks the man. "Allah Akbar! Mafi Mushkila (no problem)," says the Mullah.

"Woman on top?" Ahmed asks. "Sure," says the Mullah. "Allah Akbar. Go for it!" "Doggy style?" "Sure! Allah Akbar!" "On the kitchen table?" "Yes, yes! Allah Akbar!"

"Can I do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a bucket of honey and a porno video?" "You may indeed. Allah Akbar!"

"Can we do it standing up?" "No, absolutely not!" says the Mullah." "Why not?" asks the man. "Because that could lead to dancing!"

[Bob]

A man goes to the doctors feeling a little ill.


The doctor checks him over and says, 'Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus.

It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live.



There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth.'


So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news.



Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before.


They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins $35.

Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins $320.


Then he gets the full house and wins $1000.



Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too getting $380,000.


The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says,



'Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full house and the national game on the same card.



You must be the luckiest man on Earth!'


'Lucky?' he screamed. 'Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24.'



'F**k me,' says the bingo caller. 'You've won the raffle as well !!

[Tony Nitrous]

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut? The "barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half." The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keep asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So, where does that guy go when he leaves?" Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said,

"Your house!"

[Bob]

A truckie who has been out on the road for three weeks stops

into a brothel outside Kalgoorlie.

He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says,

I want your ugliest woman and a burnt chop.!!

The Madam is astonished. 'But sir, for that kind of money you

could have one of my finest ladies and a lovely three-course meal.

The truckie replies, 'I'm not horny . . . . ... I'm homesick.

[Tony Nitrous]

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.
The older of the mothers pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. And they start reminiscing.
'This is my oldest son Mohammed. He would be 24 years old now.'

'Yes, I remember him as a baby' says the other mother cheerfully.

'He's a martyr now though,' mum confides.

'Oh, so sad dear' says the other.

'And this is my second son Kalid. He would be 21'

'Oh, I remember him,' says the other happily, 'he had such curly hair when he was born'.

'He's a martyr too' says mum quietly.

'Oh, gracious me ...' Says the other.

'And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed.

He would be 18', she whispers.

'Yes' says the friend enthusiastically, 'I remember when he first started school'

He's a martyr also,' says mum, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says...

'They blow up so fast, don't they'

[MONO]

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused.

A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So what happened that's so horrible?

Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.

Man: Ok, but that's not so bad. So what happened then?

Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.

Man: and then?

Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.

Man: Again? So, what did you do then?

Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.

Man: and then?

Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.

Man: Hmmm... So, what did you do?

Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. Just at that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.....
Some things you just can't explain.

[StuNVA]

Heaven or Hell

While on his morning walk, Prime Minister Kevin Rudd falls over, has a heart attack and dies because the 'accident and
emergency' dept at his nearest hospital is too understaffed to treat him in time.

So his soul arrives in Heaven and he is met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Welcome to Heaven,' says Saint Peter,
'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a Socialist around these parts, so we're not sure what
to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in; I'm a good Christian; I'm a believer,' says the PM.

'I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from God. He says that since the implementation of his new
HEAVEN CHOICES policy, you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where
you'll live for eternity.'

'But I've already made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven,' replies Rudd

'I'm sorry .. But we have our rules,' Peter interjects. And, with that, St. Peter escorts him to a lift and he goes
down, down, down ....all the way to Hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course.

The sun is shining in a cloudless sky. The temperature is a perfect 22C degrees. In the distance is a beautiful club-house.
Standing in front of it is Gough Whitlam and thousands of other Socialist luminaries who had helped him out over the
years --- Bob Hawke, Paul Keating, etc. The whole of the Labour Party leaders were there ..
(and all the socialists from other parts of the world..)

Everyone laughing, happy, and casually but expensively dressed.

They run to greet him, to hug him and to reminisce about the good times they had

getting rich at the expense of 'suckers and peasants.'

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. The Devil

himself comes up to Rudd with a frosty drink, 'Have a tequila and relax, Kev!'

'Uh, I can't drink anymore; I took a pledge,' says Rudd, dejectedly.

'This is Hell, son. You can drink and eat all you want and not worry and it just gets

better from there!'

Rudd takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks is a really

very friendly bloke who tells funny jokes like himself and pulls hilarious nasty pranks,

kind of like the ones the Labour Party pulled with their master strokes on Education,

Immigration, Petrol prices, Tough on Crime promises.

They are having such a great time that, before he realises it, it's time to go.

Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Rudd steps on the lift and heads

upward.

When the lift door reopens, he is in Heaven again and Saint Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit Heaven,' the old man says, opening the gate.

So for 24 hours Rudd is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured

people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money and

treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or short-arse joke among them.

No fancy country clubs here and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or

lobster. And these people are all poor. He doesn't see anybody he knows and he

isn't even treated like someone special!

'Whoa,' he says uncomfortably to himself. 'Gough Whitlam never prepared me for

this!'

The day done, Saint Peter returns and says, 'Well, you've spent a day in Hell and a

day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for Eternity.'

With the 'Deal or No Deal' theme playing softly in the background, Rudd reflects for

a minute ... Then answers: 'Well, I would never have thought I'd say this -- I mean,

Heaven has been delightful and all -- but I really think I belong in Hell with my

friends.'

So Saint Peter escorts him to the lift and he goes down, down, down, all the way to

Hell.

The doors of the lift open and he is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered

with garbage and toxic industrial wasteland, looking a bit like the eroded, rabbit and

fox affected Australian outback, but worse and more desolate.

He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained together,

picking up the roadside rubbish and putting it into black plastic bags. They are

groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime.

The Devil comes over to Rudd and puts an arm around his shoulder.' I don't

understand,' stammers a shocked Rudd, 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf

course and a club-house and we ate lobster and caviar

and drank tequila. We lazed around and had a great time.. Now there's just a

wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!'

The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly and purrs, 'Yesterday we were campaigning;

today you voted for us!

[Tony Nitrous]

A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems. "Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor. "Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair."

[Bear]

Irish Virginity Test Kit

Paddy is planning to marry and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin.

His doctor says, "Paddy, all Irish use three things for that.... a small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel."

Paddy asks, "Aye, and what do I do with these things, doctor?"

The doctor replies, "Before ye climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other blue.

If she says, "That's the strangest pair of balls I ever did see...", you hit her with the shovel.'

[Tony Nitrous]

Virgin after being married 6 times!
A Traffic Cop recently got married to a woman who had already been married 6 times. On their wedding night, the new bride said.
Please be gentle, because I'm still a virgin!

The groom, confused because he knew of her previous 6 marriages, asked her to explain how she could still be intact after 6 marriages.

She replied thusly;
My first husband was a psychiatrist and only wanted to talk about sex.
My 2nd husband was a gynaecologist and only wanted to examine the sexual aparatus.
My third husband was a philatelist and he was only interested in licking.
My fourth husband was a sales manager and said that he knew that he had the best product, but didn't know how to use it.
My fifth husband was a civil servant, he told me that he knew exactly how to do it but he wasn't sure if the job was within his field.
My sixth husband was in computing and he said that if it was all working properly, it was better to leave it alone and not touch it.

So the groom asked her;
"So why, after so many failures, did you decide to get married again?"

To which she replied;
"Because you're a traffic policeman and I can be sure that, one way or another, you'll end up fucking me."

[Tony Nitrous]

8 months after his death, Michael Jackson's mourning fans released a white dove in his honour.
Well, it was actually a blackbird, but with a rare skin condition...

[Tony Nitrous]

Josef Fritzl;
Putting the 'semen' back into 'basement'

Inner city Sikhs.
Putting the urban into turban


If Saddam Hussein had married Little Miss Muffett
Would the Kurds have got their way?


As I sat in the living room my 5 year old shouted at me from the back door.
' I can't hear you if you're shouting from outside,' I said.
Again, he shouted back.
'I told you, I can't hear you from there. It's rude to shout. If you want me to hear you, walk into the living room' I replied.
A few moments later my son appeared in the living room.
'Dad, I've got dog shit all over my shoes


My wife complains that she will not share the same bed as "me and my smelly bum."
Well, I don't like him sleeping on the street


Inner city Sikhs.
Putting the urban into turban

Incest.
Putting the relation into relationship


If Saddam Hussein had married Little Miss Muffett
Would the Kurds have got their way?



As I sat in the living room my 5 year old shouted at me from the back door.
' I can't hear you if you're shouting from outside,' I said.
Again, he shouted back.
'I told you, I can't hear you from there. It's rude to shout. If you want me to hear you, walk into the living room' I replied.
A few moments later my son appeared in the living room.
'Dad, I've got dog shit all over my shoes


Something that annoys me about the game 'Rock, Paper, Scissors'. Now, I can understand how rock beats scissors, and how scissors beats paper.. but how the fuck does paper beat rock? What does it do? Wrap itself around the rock and leave it immobile? Why can't it do that to scissors? Infact, screw the game, why can't it do that to people? Why aren't students being suffocated by their book as they take notes during a class? I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anything, a rock would tear paper up in 2 seconds.
When I play rock, paper, scissors I always pick rock, then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper, I use my already clenched fist to punch them in the face, and then say, "Oh, sorry, I thought your paper would protect you, stupid C*NT



When deaf people get drunk, do they slur their hands?


Ramadan.
Putting the slim back into muslim


I remember doing French at school.
If you knew the answer, you raised your hand.
If you didn't know the answer, you raised both hands


I bought some pyjamas off the internet, and when I got them I found they had pockets.
Which is great, because now I no longer have to hold things when I'm asleep.


I was walking to the shops the other day when i came across a shopping list on the floor.
it had writen
2 Eggs
1 Apple
50 Jews.
I thought f*ck, this must be schindler's list.


How do deaf people know if someone is screaming or yawning?


Why are Aussies so good at batting in cricket?
It's the only game they could master wearing handcuffs.


I finally came clean with my girlfriend.
When she came into the room, I said, "I'm seeing another woman."
She said, "Oh, thanks. All I've changed is my hair."


I was watching a DVD the other day and it had that bit at the beginning about piracy saying, "You wouldn't steal a car."
I thought, "I fucking would if I could download it."


Teenagers today drink twice as much as they did ten years ago.
To be fair, though, they were only aged between 3 and 9 ten years ago.


Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:"
I always put "Doctor". What the f*ck's my mother going to do?


My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could,
so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

[Tony Nitrous]

Two old men with Alzheimers are sitting on a bench in the park when they hear an ice-cream van go past.

"Fancy an ice-cream?" the first man says.

"Go on then, but write it down or you'll forget" his friend replies.

"No I won't!"

"Yes you will! I want an ice-cream with hundreds and thousands, write it down or you'll forget"

"I won't forget, I promise"

"Yes you will!!! I want an ice-cream with hundreds and thousands and strawberry sauce, write it down or you'll forget"

"Have a little faith in me, I won't forget"

"YES YOU WILL!!! I want an ice-cream with hundreds and thousands, strawberry sauce and a flake, write it down or you'll forget"

"Fuck off, I'm not going to forget. I'll be back in a minute"

The old boy wanders off and comes back five minutes later with two burgers. To which his friend says "You stupid C*nt! I knew you'd forget my chips!"

[Tony Nitrous]

An elderly, white-haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young blonde at his side. He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special." At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only £40,000," he said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque clears so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday morning to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up on Monday afternoon," he said..

On Monday morning, the jeweller 'phoned the old man and said "Sir, there's no money in that account." "I know," said the old man, "but let me tell you about my weekend!"

[Tony Nitrous]

I wasn't feeling well so I went to the Doctors.
He told me I was a paranoid bastard.
He didn't actually say that, but I could tell he was thinking it.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Police are seeking a man who has so far stabbed six people to death with knitting needles,
all in the same area. He seems to be following some sort of pattern..
.
.
.
.
.
.
Sorry! I'll get me coat....

http://img22.imageshack.us/img22/5030/getmecoat.gif

[Bob]

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.

Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.

He said 'How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin - in every way'

The doctor told him, 'I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week.'

He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together; an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon.

That night in the hotel bedroom, she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts. She said, 'You're the first; no one has EVER touched these.'

He immediately drops his pants and replies, .....'Look at this, .....still in the CRATE!'

[Bob]

Phillip Hewitson, an elderly man, from Norwich UK, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.




He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"




He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.




Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."




George said, "Okay."




He hung up the phone and counted to 30.




Then he phoned the police again.


"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.


Within five minutes, Six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Hewitson`s' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.




One of the Policemen said to Phillip, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"




Phillip said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"




(True Story)

[Bob]

A blonde gets home from work early & hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting.
'What's up?' she asks.

'I think I'm having a heart attack,' - cries the husband..
The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialling, her four-year-old son comes up
And says, "Mommy Mommy Aunty Shirley is hiding in the wardrobe & she has no clothes on"

The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom right past her husband..
Rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor.
'You rotten Bitch', she screams.
'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked playing hide and seek with the kids!!'

[thejester650]

a midget walks into an elevator with a fat woman. as theyre travelling the midget looks at her and asks "can i smell your pussy?" the woman looks at him in disgust and replies "NO" he looks and says "must be your feet then.......":D

[Mishdog20]

^^^^How the fuck does a midget walk into an elephant???^^^^^

[thejester650]

quote:Originally posted by Mishdog20

^^^^How the fuck does a midget walk into an elephant???^^^^^
that was a fail and a half! i've changed that now!! lmfao :D

[Large]

A belated joke for St Patrick's Day:

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. Inside, there's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side."

[Bear]

Teachers
These are actual comments (supposedly) made on student report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system.

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thingie to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.


Cops

These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country.

16. 'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through..'

15. 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while.'

14. 'If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.'

13. 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.'

12. 'Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.'

11. 'You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?'

10. 'Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?'

9. 'Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.'

8. 'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not... Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?'

7. 'Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey shit.'

6. 'Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.'

5. 'In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.'

4. 'How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?'

3. 'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.'

2. 'I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail..'

AND THE WINNER IS....

1.'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here.'

[Bob]

An old nun
who was living in a convent next to a construction site
noticed the coarse language of the workers
and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.
She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers
and talk with them.
She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.
She walked up to the group and with a big smile said:
"and do you men know Jesus Christ?"
they shook their heads and looked at each other very confused.
One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out,
"Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"
One of the steelworkers yelled down
'why'?
The worker yelled back,
"Cos his wife's here with his lunch"

I know Im going to hell for this one!! :D

[StuNVA]

Paddy was walking along the street in Dublin when he rounds a corner and
there's a high rise building on fire.

Paddy being the kind-hearted Irishman, runs up to the building to see if he
can help and notices people trapped 5 stories up.

Paddy yells to the people 'I'm Patrick Sean Michael Fitzpatrick', the Irish
Rugby Union fullback, if you jump I'll catch you.

One lady, in desperation, jumps and sure enough Paddy catches her.

Then a man sees that Paddy catches the women and jumps. Sure enough Paddy
catches him safely.

Then a black man jumps out and falls to the ground, Paddy didn't even
attempt to catch him. Paddy looked up and yelled.

"Don't throw out the fooken' burnt ones!"

[Seifer]

Bahahaha

[Large]

An American man from Houston, a Canadian man from Vancouver, and a British man from London were all sitting in a train car with a very hot woman from France/Poland/Glorious Nippon/Finland. Suddenly, the car went through a pitch black tunnel, a loud SLAP was heard, and when the car emerged the American was painfully holding his hand to his cheek.

Immediately, the British man, picking up his newspaper with a smirk, thought "Why, I'll bet that dumb yankee touched that woman's breast, and she slapped him! Typical American, indeed."

The American, pulling out his iPod with a frown, thought "Goddamn, I'll bet that Brit touched that chicks boobs to make her think it was me, and then she slapped me! Typical fuckin Brit!"

The Canadian, looking out the window with a blank expression, thought "Man, I hope there's another tunnel coming up so I can smack that fuckin American again."

[JackTar]

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to
live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.

She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and
brighten her teeth!

Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might
as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.

While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an
ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you
said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

God replied: "I didn't fucking recognize you."

[StuNVA]

A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her stammerers Action group. She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success.

Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said "If any of you can tell me the name of the town where you were born, without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water. So, who wants to go first ?"

The Englishman piped up.
"B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham", he said.

"That's no use, Trevor" said the speech therapist, "Who's next ?"

The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out "P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley".

That's no better.
There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish.

How about you, Paddy ?

The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out

" London ".

Brilliant, Paddy! said the speech therapist and immediately set
about living up to her promise.

After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for
breath and Paddy said

"-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry".

[Shadowzone]

Now that PM Kevin Rudd has apologised to the Aboriginals, The Aboriginal union is meeting tomorrow to discuss ending their 220yr strike and returning to work...

[Large]

A woman is in her doctor's office when she suddenly shouts out: "Doctor, kiss me!" The doctor says it would be against his code of ethics. Ten minutes later, the woman again shouts out: "Doctor, kiss me, just once!" The doctor refuses apologetically, saying as a doctor he can't kiss her. Another five minutes later, she asks again" Doctor, Doctor, kiss me just once!" "Look", says the doctor, "I am sorry, I just can't kiss you. In fact, I probably shouldn't even be fucking you."

[Large]

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.

Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?" The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

[Bob]

Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.

One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a Nicorette patch on it.

He looks at the other priest and says, "I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not

your penis".

The other one replies, "It's working just fine. I'm down

to two butts a day".

[BANDITROD]

bwahahahahahahahahaha

[336LJ]

I'v noticed ANYTHING BIKES (Businesses etc) with the word PRO in it are a bunch of fuckin shifty fuck bags..

[ACTAngler]

Kristina Keneally, Frank Sartor and David Campbell were walking over a bridge.

Kristina trips and gets her head jammed between the railings.

Without a sideways glance, Frank pulls aside her G-String, and bonks her senseless!

He stands back and tells David "your turn".

Campbell bursts into tears.

"What's up?" asks Frank.

Campbell sobs, "My head won't fit through the railings!"

[ACTAngler]

Kevin Rudd is in Israel on another overseas junket when he has a heart attack and dies. The Israeli President calls Australia to ask what they should do with the body. "We have 2 options" he explains; "We can hold a full State Funeral and bury him here for $5,000, or we can send him back to Australia, but this will cost $200 billion dollars".

"Well, we will have to raise taxes, cancel all unemployment benefits, halt infrastructure spending, and probably send the country into recession, but we still better have him sent home", the Aussie Ambassador says.

"Are you sure?" asks the Israeli President. "We are more than happy to bury him here and save your country from a recession. We could even waive the $5,000 fee".

"Positive" says the Aussie. "We read a book about a bloke you guys buried once who rose from the dead after 3 days. We just can't take that chance"...

[StuNVA]

A preacher said,
"Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed
over, please come forward to the front by the
altar."

With that, an
Aboriginal man got in line, and when
it was his turn, the Preacher asked,
"Mulrunji, what do you want me to pray about for
you?"

Mulrunji
replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help
with my
hearing."

The preacher put
one finger of one hand in Mulrunji’s
ear, placed his other hand on top of
Mulrunji’s head, and then prayed and prayed
and prayed.


He prayed a "blue
streak" for Mulrunji, and the whole congregation joined
in with great
enthusiasm.

After
a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood
back and asked, " Mulrunji,
how is your hearing
now?"

Mulrunji
answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til next
week."

[rod185651]

It's a slow day in a dusty little Australian town. The sun is beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.
On this particular day a rich tourist from down south is driving through town, stops at the local motel and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.
The Owner gives him keys to a few rooms and as soon as the man walks upstairs, the owner grabs the $100 bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.
The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.
The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.
The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his drinks bill at the local pub.
The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on credit.
The hooker rushes to the motel and pays off her room bill to the motel owner with the $100 .
The motel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the rich traveler will not suspect anything.
At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, picks up the $100 bill, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.
No one produced anything. No one earned anything.
However, the whole town is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the Australian Government is conducting business today..

[gumby190]

A professor at the Auburn University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks,
'How many people here believe in ghosts?'

About 90 students raise their hands.

Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'

About 40 students raise their hands.

That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'

About 15 students raise their hand.

Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'

Three students raise their hands.

That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'

Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'

The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'

Ahmed replied,
"Shit, from way back there I thought you said Goats."

[Shiny Things]

It was the perfect day for drinking & fishing, but after a while I ran out of bait. Then a few feet up the shore I saw a snake with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bait. Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket. Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. After thinking about it for awhile, I had an idea: I grabbed my bottle of whiskey and poured a little in its mouth.

Sure enough, his eyes rolled back, he went limp, and I released him without incident. I carried on my fishing with the frog. Caught a big fish, too! A couple hours later I felt something brush my leg. I looked down and there was that same snake looking up at me. He had two frogs in his mouth.

[Shiny Things]

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his
drive into the woods. Looking for his ball,
he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back,
a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball
beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from
the cart and poured it over the little guy,
reviving him.

'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.

'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.

'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square.
Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'

'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer
answers in relief. 'I don't want anything,
I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.'

And the golfer walks off.

'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself.

I have to do something for him. I'll give him
the three things I would want... a great golf game,
all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'

A year goes by and the golfer is back.
On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into
the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,
' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye,
how's yer golf game?'

'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers.
I'm an internationally famous golfer now.'
He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're
all right.'
'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer
golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money
situation?'

'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states.
'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket
and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!'

'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment,
and says shyly, 'It's OK.'

C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun,
'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job.
How many times a week?'

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers,
'Once, sometimes twice a week.'

'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock.
'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'

'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for
a Catholic priest in a small parish.'

[ACTAngler]

Belated, but I've been away:

Adriana from Wheel of Fortune dies today from intestinal problems. Apparently her last words wer "Could I buy a bowel"...

Actually, I've decided to turm over a new leaf. I'm not going to make any more jokes about Adriana Xenides, because that would be _N_PR_PR__T_.

[Bob]

MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital .....

Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.