Jokes

[Tony Nitrous]

Well spotted !
Famous at last ..... :cool:

[Snaffler]

the missus and i walked into maccas today
we finally get to the serving counter where this fat dirty smelly chick in a berka is serving
so we walked out and went across the road to hungry jacks and again met by a chick in a berka
but this one was skinny, smelt good and friendly so we placed our order and sat and ate dinner..

moral of the story? berkas are better at hungry jacks!!

[Large]

I called the RSPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs."

"That's terrible," she replied. "Are they moving?"

"I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "But that would explain the suitcase."

[Large]

What's the difference between a practical joke and a temperature?



Nurses can take a temperature.

[Nudie]

What's the difference between light and hard?

You can get to sleep with a light on.

[Nudie]

What's the difference between fat and cellulite?

You don't wake up in the morning with a cellulite.

[Nudie]

What's the difference between jam and marmalade?

You don't take a chick home from the pub and try to marmalade your dick up her arse.

[StuNVA]

The best line I've heard lately was from a shop foreman at the Goondiwindi Cotton Packing Plant when this young Aboriginal kid was being laid off.

The Aboriginal kid said to the shop foreman: "You're firing me because I'm Aboriginal!"

The boss said, "No, we hired you because you were Aboriginal."

"We're firing you because you are fucking useless!"

[OLD SKOOL BANDIT]

***************
*********
******

The following* questions were set in last year’s Senior's examination*
These are* genuine answers (from 16 year olds)............and* they WILL breed.

Q. Name the four* seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard* and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the* processes by which water can be made safe to* drink
A. Flirtation makes water* safe to drink because it removes large** pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and* canoeists

Q. How is* dew formed
A. The sun shines down* on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What* causes the tides in the oceans
A.* The tides are a fight between the earth and the* moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon,* because there is no water on the moon, and nature* abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the* fight

Q. What guarantees may a* mortgage company insist on
A. If* you are buying a house they will insist that you are* well endowed

Q. In a democratic society,* how important are elections
A. Very* important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an* election

Q. What are* steroids
A. Things for* keeping carpets still on the* stairs************* (Shoot yourself* now , there is little hope)

Q.. What* happens to your body as you age
A.* When you get old, so do your bowels and you get* intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy* when he reaches puberty
A. He says* goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his* adultery**************

Q. Name a major disease* associated with cigarettes
A.* Premature death

Q. What is artificial* insemination
A. When the farmer* does it to the bull instead of the* cow

Q. How can you delay milk* turning sour
A. Keep it in the* cow********************************* (Simple, but* brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts* of the body categorised (e.g. The* abdomen)
A. The body is consisted* into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the* abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain,* the borax contains the heart and lungs and the* abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E,* I,O,U..******************************************* *********************

Q. What is* the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What* does 'varicose' mean?*******************
A. Nearby******************************************** **************************

Q. What is the most common* form of birth* control
A. Most* people prevent contraception by wearing a* condominium*********** (That would* work)

Q. Give the meaning of the* term 'Caesarean section'
A. The* caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is* a seizure?
A. A Roman* Emperor.************** (Julius Seizure,* I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is* a terminal illness
A. When* you are sick at the* airport.********** (Irrefutable)


Q. What* does the word 'benign' mean?
A.* Benign is what you will be after you be eight** (brilliant)



*

[Fish]

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

This one cracked me up.

[OLD SKOOL BANDIT]

A woman has been taken into hospital after eating horse meat burgers from Tesco. Her condition is said to be stable.



Not entirely sure how Tesco are going to get over this hurdle.



Waitress in Tesco asked if I wanted anything on my burger. I had a £5 each way.



Tesco Quarter Pounders - the affordable way to buy your daughter the pony that she's always wanted.



Had some burgers from Tesco for my tea last night - I still have a bit between my teeth.



Tesco are now testing all their vegetarian burgers for traces of unicorn.



Anyone want a burger from Tesco? Yay or neigh?



I've just checked the Tesco burgers in my freezer and they’re off.



I'm so hungry I could eat a horse.



Tesco is now forced to deny presence of zebra in burgers as shoppers are confusing barcodes for serving suggestions.



A cow walks into a bar. Barman says “Why the long face?” Cow says “Illegal ingredients, coming over here stealing our jobs!”



I hear the smaller version of those Tesco burgers make great horse d'oeuvres.



These Tesco burger jokes are going on a bit. Talk about flogging a dead… Oh no!



Said to the Mrs - these Tesco burgers given me terrible trots.

To beef or not to beef. That is equestrian.



Is it a coincidence that HAMBURGERS is an anagram of SHERGAR’S BUM?

[OLD SKOOL BANDIT]

An oldie but a goodie........

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:



Men Are Just Happier People --

What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack...

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough..



You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes..

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.





Men Are Just Happier People



NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.



EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50.

None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.



MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.



BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.

A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.



ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.



FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.



MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.



DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.



NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.



OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children.

She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

[StuNVA]

Roses are red,
Violets are glorious,
Don't try to surprise
Oscar Pistorius.

She didn't notice Oscar sneaking up behind her. It was the silence of the limbs.

Oscar Pistorius. Not the first South African with a race problem.

When Oscar Pistorius said he wanted to be just like able bodied athletes, who knew he meant OJ Simpson?

Absolutely shocking news from South Africa.
White man arrested for murder.

Oscar Pistorius. Just because he has no legs doesn't mean he's unarmed.

Surely Oscar Pistorious cant be the first man to wake up legless on Valentines day and shoot all over the missus while imagining she's someone else!

I take it Oscar Pistorius's girlfriend bought him shoes for Valentines.

What do you call a room full of dead people?
An Oscar Pistorius surprise birthday party.

Oscar Pistorius has an incredible record of wins to his name.
Six gold medals, four silver medals and one argument.

A young woman is dead, the life of up‑and‑coming athlete, Oscar Pistorious, is ruined, and people are already making jokes about it. That's prosthetic... i mean pathetic.

I think it's safe to say that Oscar Pistorius won't be getting his leg over tonight.

And the Oscar goes to...
Prison.

[StuNVA]

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbors male dog while the neighbors were on vacation.
She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

Having explained the problem to him, the vet said,

"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"It just worked for me," he replied.

[StuNVA]

Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Stout.
Barman asks, "What's wrong with Stout?
Bloke says, "I had 12 pints of Stout last night and when I came round I was fucking skint."
Barman says, "12 pints of anything costs about the same."
Bloke replies, "Skint's my dog."



Wife says to husband "You only ever want sex when you're drunk".
Husband says "that's not true .. sometimes I want a kebab"


An Aussie and a Yank aid worker are helping out at the Japan nuclear disaster.
Yank says, "You from round here, buddy?"
"No," he replies, "Australia."
"What State's that in?" asks the Yank.
"Pretty much the same as this fuckin' place!”



An assortment of high powered weapons and a stash of drugs including cocaine, heroin and ecstacy have been found behind the Job Centre in Bundaberg.
The locals are said to be in a state of shock........ They had no idea they had a Job Centre!




A man approaches a young woman in a shop.
He says "I can't find my wife, can I talk to you for a few minutes?"
The woman says "Sure, but do you have any idea where your wife is?"
"Not a clue," he says, "but whenever I talk to a woman with tits like yours, she appears out of nowhere!"



The Japanese government have thanked Britain for the rescue dogs they sent out to help with the nuclear disaster.
They said they were delicious!




My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a "roger".
It was only when I had my trousers round my ankles and my tallywacker out, that I realised she wanted to rent her spare room out!!




Teacher to class: "Children, we are all descendants of Adam and Eve"
Pupil: "But Miss, my mummy and daddy said we came from the apes."
Teacher: "Stay out of this one Abdul, I'm not talking about your lot."




I bought the wife a Memory Stick, it's great!
She hasn't forgotten my beer, dinner or sex once since the first beating.



A farmer gets a phone call from his son.
"I've run over a pig and its stuck under the tractor still alive."
"Shoot it," says the farmer, "and then bury it."
About 20mins later he gets another call...
"Done that, what should I do with his speed camera and motorbike?"





A woman had been on the game for 4 years and was worried about the size of her fanny on her wedding night so she decided to tell her husband she caught it climbing over a fence.
After an hour in bed with her he said "How far across the field were you before you realised it was caught?"


Sky news report.
The Irish have joined in the attack on Libya.
They sent in three ships - two full of sand and one full of cement.
It was a mortar attack.



The missus asked if she pleased me in bed?
I said "yes, I love that trick you do with your mouth." . . .
"What trick?" she asked?
"The one where you shut the fuck up and go to sleep!"

My son was sent home from school for swearing today.
I said what did you say?
He said the c word.
I said it wasn't clever, was it?
He said no, it was c*nt.

Kate Middleton asked the Queen for advice on marriage and a long relationship. She replied "wear a seatbelt and don't piss me off!"


A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them.

The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded "Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you. On your way home from my office, stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bull's-eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue".

"Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut".

The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, the Potters, that they should see the good doctor.

The doctor greeted the Potters and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests.

Then he told the Potters the bad news. "I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be. I cannot help".

The Potters pleaded with him, and said "You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us". "Well, all right" the doctor said. "On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of Cheerio's"...

[StuNVA]

I was just shopping in Tesco's UK and bumped into Rolf Harris, I said to him I remember you doing two little boys in 1970.

He said fuck off, that was Jimmy Saville.

[StuNVA]

4209

[dirtysouth]

why don't women pee first thing in the morning?

well have you ever tried to pull a cheese sandwich apart.....
sorry ladies I do love ya:-)

[Tony Nitrous]

What has 19 doors that will never be opened ?
.
.
.
Nelson Mandela's advent calender

[Tony Nitrous]

I keep hearing on the tv and radio that a nissan main dealer has died

He must have been one hell of a car salesman to get media coverage like this!

[Nudie]

So Nelson Mandela died at 95.
Give credit where it's due, that's 5 mph faster than Paul Walker!

[ozzy1100]

bwahahaha that got a giggle

[Iceman]

Little Dennis came home from Koondoola Primary school pretty confused one day. His father was full blown Aboriginal and his mother was Jewish.

Dennis asked his mother, "Mum, am I more Jewish or more Aboriginal?"

"What does it really matter?" snapped his mother, "Ask your father when he gets home"

When his father arrived home latter that evening, little Dennis ran straight up to him and asked "Dad ,am I more Jewish or more Aboriginal?"

"What the hell kinda question is that?" his dad barked. "Why do you want to know such a thing?"

"Well, it's like this dad," Dennis explained, "Tommy from down the street has a BMX bike for sale for $50, and I don't know whether I should jew him down to $25 or wait until it's dark and steel the fuck'n thing!"

[OLD SKOOL BANDIT]

TWERK:

1. A provocative dance mainly involving pelvic thrusts and butt shaking.

2. Where people from Yorkshire go between 9am and 5pm.

[Mr Hyosung]

Why do women have periods?

Because they fucking deserve them

[Tony Nitrous]

http://i60.tinypic.com/30licrd.jpg

[336LJ]

Why are black people such good dancers?

Because they spend the first 9 months of their lives dodging a coat-hanger.

[Large]

The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife.
They said "Is this your wife sir?"
Shocked, I answered "Yes."
They said "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."
I said "I know, but she takes it up the arse and she's good with the kids

[Tony Nitrous]

http://s13.postimg.org/rgsu7kotj/image.jpg (http://postimage.org/)

[StuNVA]

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY - (a husband's point of view)
The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;
... T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread...
In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
I am a dominator !!
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one"!!
Well readers, I can't tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey.

[Shadowzone]

What's the difference between a hooker & onions?

I cry when I cut up onions

[Shadowzone]

I don't know why everyone's raving about Jesus feeding 5000 people with a couple of loaves of bread and a few fish. Hitler made 6 million Jews toast

[chinski]

Girlfriend just got a tattoo of a seashell on her inner thigh, if you put your ear up to it you can smell the ocean

[StuNVA]

A 13 year-old boy comes home from school and his mom asks how his day was. He replies, "I had sex with my teacher today."
"Oh my god! You get to your room! Wait till your father comes home!" says the mum.
A while later the father comes home and the mum says, "Go up to your son's room and talk to him. He's been really bad today."
Dad goes up to the son's room and asks why mum is so mad. "I told her I had sex with my teacher today," replied the boy.
"Alright! That's my boy!", says dad. "Ya know son, women just don't think like men. But I'm proud of you. What are you now, about thirteen, right? Wow. That's my boy! Ya know what? I'm so proud of you I'm gonna take you out and buy you that new shiny bike you've been wanting!"
So the dad and his son go out and buy the nicest, reddest, shiniest bike in the whole town. "You gonna ride it home son?" asks dad.
The boy replied, "Nah, my arse is still sore."