Jokes

[Gsxar]

What does a tart and bowling balls have in common?
Both love to be picked up, fingered and then banged down an alley

[uncle pervy]

3 kids are walking down a country road when a car crashes into a ditch and catches fire they run over and free the driver and get
him to safety just as the car explodes
"Thanks kids I'm Kevin Rudd Prime Minister of Australia. How can i reward you" he say's.
First kid replies "I'll have 1 million dollars, thanks"
Second kid replies "I'll have 1 million dollars"
Third kid replies "I'll have a state funeral"
Ol' K Rudd looks at the kid and asks "Why don't you want a million dollars?"
"Cause when my dad finds out who I saved. He's going to fucking kill me."

[Gix11]

I haven't read all the jokes on here but the ones I have read didn't include this one. I believe half the joke is made in the delivery. Here is one of the best delivered jokes I can remember and it makes me laugh every time:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DvHOXiP9O_Y

[davio]

lmfao good one gix

[gixkat]

Dude sounds like Dylan Moran, thats funny, will use that one at my friday night session at the pub next week, the blokes i drink with think ive got this massive joke "back catalogue" running around in my brain, when in fact i just use one joke a week from this forum, hehe.

[Bear]

Children's Science Exam

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?

A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
(The kid gets an A+ for this answer!)

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does 'varicose' mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section.'
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome.

Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

[uncle pervy]

big bad bear goes up to the barman at the burswood and bellows "im a big bad brown bear, give me a beer". the barman replies
"we don't serve big bad brown bears at the burswood bar". so the big bad brown bear biff's the barman and bellows "im a big bad
brown bear, give me a beer". the barman replies "we don't serve big bad brown bears at the burswood bar, especially when they
biff barmen". so the big bad brown bear grabs the barmaid and bonks her, then bellows at the barman "im a big bad brown bear,
give me a beer" the barman replies "we don't serve big bad brown bears at the burswood bar, especially when they biff barmen and bonk barmaids". just then the bouncer wanders over to see what happening so the big bad brown bear belts the bouncer and
bellows "im a big bad brown bear, give me a beer". the barman replies "we don't serve big bad brown bears at the burswood bar,
especially when they biff barmen, bonk barmaids and belt bouncers". so the big bad brown bear bites a chunk out of the bar and
bellows "im a big bad brown bear, give me a beer". the barman replies "we don't serve big bad brown bears at the burswood bar,
especially when they biff barmen, bonk barmaids, belt bouncers and do drugs" the big bad brown bear looks at the barman and
says "drugs?" the barman say's " yeah drugs i saw you swallow that bar bit you ate"

[boris]

you're a sick sick man uncle pervy:)

[Bear]

A Child's prayer -


Dear God,

Please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Daddy's computer.

Amen

[latheboy]

How do you get a poof to fuck a girl?

Shit in her cunt

I know i've said it many times but i still love that joke

[WATEVR]

what happened to the midget that worked under a girl?

he got flapped in the face and clit behind the ears.....

[Raza]

A Tasmanian teaching his Son to Wank,his son says'this is magic Dad'- his Dad says'when you are 13 you can use your own cock!

[ozkat]

Q. Why do homosexuals use ribbed condoms?



A. Better traction in the mud.

[Bear]

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- Life isn't always fair;
- and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend
more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the
job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental
consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses;
and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed
to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust,
by his wife,Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers;
I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I'm A Victim

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If
you still remember him, pass this on.. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

[Specter]

thats gold... so many douch bags out there, getting money through buerocratic bs..

[holyman_999]

A little polar bear walks up to his mum and says 'mum, what kind of bear am i?'
his mum says 'you're a polar bear of course!'...
'i couldn't be a koala bear?'
'no, you're definitely a polar bear, go ask your father...'
'Dad, what kind of bear am I? could i be a brown bear, or a kodiak?'
Dad sighs, 'not this shit again... listen, i'm a polar bear, your mother is a polar bear, your grandparents were polar bears, and your kids will be polar bears... so why the hell do you keep asking what kind of bear you are???????'

"cause I'm FUCKING FREEZING!!!!!!"[:o)]




sorry, lame, i know, but my young bloke just told it to me today... the look on his face after he realised he just dropped the F-bomb to dad was priceless... :D:D:D

[Raza]

That is more than I can "bear";)

[ozkat]

A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend "You won't believe what happened. I was taking a short cut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to it. I untied her, and then we had sex over and over again, all the positions, everything.

His friend replies, "That's great: did you get a blow job?"

Oh, no: I never found her head.




Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son. The doctor walks in and Michael asks: "Doctor, how long before we can have sex?" The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he's at least 14."




Two guys are walking down the street and see a dog on the lawn, licking his balls.

One guy says to the other, "Man, I sure wish I could do that".

The other guy says, "Don't you think you ought to pat him first?"

[Bear]

Here they come...

* Woman should have laid still while Matty Johns f*cked her ... it's common knowledge that thrashing around and screaming only attracts other sharks.

* I finally understand the words of the kiwi hakka, for years I have been wondering what "COME MATTY, COME MATTY" meant.

* The NRL have cleared Matty Johns of all charges, apparently the kiwi girl was unaware of the interchange rule.

* I found out the name of the kiwi girl Matty Johns rooted, its Joyce Mayne .... Get what you want now, nothing to pay for seven years.

* A recent study shows that the Cronulla Sharks are getting bigger crowds at their gang bangs than at their home games.

[ozkat]

Q1.What do you call an Abo in a red car?
A1.A jaffer.

Q2.What do you call an abo going down a water slide?
A2.Sewage

Q3.What do you call an abo hanging from a tree?
A4.Abo-cardo

Q4.What did the abo say as he walked accross the zebra crossing?
A4.Now you see me, now you don't, now you see me, ect, ect.

[ozkat]

Why does a Jew pick his nose?
It's cheaper than using a tissue.

Why is the rhinoceros jealous of Jews?
Jews have bigger noses.

Why don't Jews eat pork?
The Torah prohibits cannibalism.

[ozkat]

What's the difference between dog shit and niggers?
When dog shit gets old it turns White and quits stinking.

Why don't sharks eat niggers?
They think it's whale shit.

Why do niggers cry during sex?
The Mace.

[ozkat]

Three Chinese brothers, Bu, Chu, and Fu, want to illegally live in America. The brothers decide to change their names to seem American. Bu changes his name to Buck. Chu changes his name to Chuck. And Fu got sent back to China.


What do you call a retarded Chinese baby?

Sum Ting Wong


What soup weighs 1000 kg?

Wonton

[Fight_fan]

Baaaahahaha! Ur on fire shayne!

[rod185651]

quote:Originally posted by Bear

Here they come...

* Woman should have laid still while Matty Johns f*cked her ... it's common knowledge that thrashing around and screaming only attracts other sharks.

* I finally understand the words of the kiwi hakka, for years I have been wondering what "COME MATTY, COME MATTY" meant.

* The NRL have cleared Matty Johns of all charges, apparently the kiwi girl was unaware of the interchange rule.

* I found out the name of the kiwi girl Matty Johns rooted, its Joyce Mayne .... Get what you want now, nothing to pay for seven years.

* A recent study shows that the Cronulla Sharks are getting bigger crowds at their gang bangs than at their home games.


Now some more:

- The Johns event didn't happen to my mind; there is no way Cronulla could
score 12 times in one night.

- What's the worlds bravest bird? A kiwi, cause it takes on 12 sharks at
once...

- What's the difference between Matt Johns and Jaws? In Jaws there was only 1
shark eating the woman.

- Apparently the kiwi woman only wanted "sex" with Johns, not "six".

[336LJ]

Did you know if you watch the movie jaws backwards, its a film about a shark that keeps throwing up people untill someone opens a beach

[Fight_fan]

quote:Originally posted by 336LJ

Did you know if you watch the movie jaws backwards, its a film about a shark that keeps throwing up people untill someone opens a beach


LMAO! That is so fuckin random man! :D

[Gix11]

Went to my first Muslim birthday party last week.
The "musical chairs" was a bit slow but, Holy Shit, "Pass the Parcel" was quick!!!


I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up. She said I had to stop wanking.
When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"


I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan guy standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up, Abdul? Won't it fuckin' start?"

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone.
I said, "Morning."
He replied, "No, just having a shit."


My girlfriend and I were having sex the other day when she looked at me and said, "Make love to me like in the movies."
So I fucked her in the ass, pulled out, flipped her over, and came all over her face and hair.
I guess we don't watch the same movies.


A man walks into a petrol station and says, "Can I please have a KitKat Chunky?"
The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.
"No," says the man, "I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch."

[Bear]

A man is in bed with his new Thai wife...

After having great sex,

she spends the next hour just stroking his penis, something
she had lovingly done on many occasions.


Rather enjoying it, he turns and asks her: 'Why do you love doing that?'

She replies........ 'Because I really miss mine'.

[Fish]

3 aboriginal women are debating the correct attire for when a plane crashes. The first one say's I'll wear white becuase you can see that for miles when the search planes come over. The second one pipes up, Na you gotta wear fluro orange cause if you land in the water you can't see white for shit. The third one say's ya both fucking stupid, ya don't wear any clothes at all. The other 2 are shocked and ask he why. She say's "well when a plane crashes they're always looking for the black box first."

[336LJ]

how was copper wire invented?
2 jews fighting over a penny

[MONO]

Kylie Minogue, Robbie Williams and Elton John were walking over a bridge.
Kylie trips and gets her head jammed between the railings.
With a couple of side ways glances, Robbie pulls aside her G-String, and bonks her senseless!
He stands back and tells Elton "your turn".
Elton starts crying!
"What's up?" asks Robbie. Elton sobs, "my head wont fit through the railings".

[Bear]

The Fox News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the
local airport to charter a flight.
He was told a twin engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in
with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go.'
The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. Once in the air, the
photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take
pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for Fox Cable News,' he responded. 'And I need to
get some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment.

Finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me is .... you're NOT my flight instructor?'

[Bear]

Colin, the Aborigine

A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours. He also invited Colin, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters and BBQ and flirting. At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.'

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Colin and the croc were screaming and raising hell.

Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish. Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief. The host says, 'Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'

'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Colin.

The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?'

'No thanks. I don't want it,' answered Colin.

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?'

Again, Colin said "No."

Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Colin, then what do you want?'

Colin said, 'I want the bastard who pushed me in.'

[boris]

that's a fucking pisser bear LOL

[336LJ]

^hahahahha awesome

[Tony Nitrous]

Guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees it's filled to the brim with $20 notes. He guesses there must be thousands of dollar's in it.

He approaches the barman and asks. 'What's up with the jar?'

Well, you pay $20 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money..'

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. 'What are the three tests?'

'Pay first, those are the rules.' says the barman. So the man gives him the $20 and the barman drops it into the jar.

'OK,' the barman says. 'Here's what you need to do .......

First, you have to drink that entire gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once ... and you can't make a face while doing it.

Second, there's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.

Third, there's a 90-year old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've gotta make things right for her.'

The man is stunned. 'I know I paid my $20, but I'm not an idiot, I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those other things ..'

'Your call,' says the barman, 'but your money stays where it is.'

As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks, 'Wherez zat tequila?'

He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with big slurps. Tears streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face.

Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy scuffle going on outside.

They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then silence.

Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body.

'Now,' he says. 'Wherez zat old woman wiz a sore tooth?'

[Fish]

Guy walks into a library and asks for a book on tourettes, the librarian say "Fuckoff ya c*^t!" He says, "yeah that's the one".

Renault and Ford are working on a new small car for women. They are mixing the Clio and the Taurus and calling it the "CLITAURUS". It comes in pink with or without fur on the dash. The average male theif wont be able to find it, even if somebody tells him where it is.

An englishman an irishman and a scotsman walk into a bar. The barman says "What is this? Some kind of joke?"

[Bear]

A Department of Water Resources representative stops at a Lockyer
Valley farm and talks with an old farmer.

He tells the farmer, I need to inspect your farm for your water allocation.

The old farmer says, 'Okay, but don't go in that paddock over there.

The Water representative says, 'Mister, I have the authority of the
Federal Government with me. See this card? This card means I am
allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions
asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'

The old farmer nods politely and goes about his work.

Later, the old farmer hears loud screams and spies the Water Rep
running for his life and close behind is the farmer's bull. The bull is gaining with every step. The Rep is clearly terrified, so the old
farmer immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

'Your card! Show him Your card!

[Bear]

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest,
'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together,
but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again.

For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box '

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

[StuNVA]

An Aussie trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops at a brothel outside Kalgoorlie.
He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says,
I want your ugliest woman and a burnt chop.!!
The Madam is astonished.
'But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a lovely three-course meal.

The trucker replies, 'Listen sweetheart, I ain't horny . . . . ... I'm homesick.

[gibbo]

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The man says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball.'
Man: 'That's nice'
Boy: 'Want to buy it?'
Man: 'No, thanks.'
Boy: 'My Dad's outside.'
Man: 'OK, how much?'
Boy: '$250'
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy: 'Dark in here.'
Man: 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball glove.'
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, How much?'
Boy: '$750'
Man: 'Sold.'
A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, 'Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch.'
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.'
The Dad asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'
Boy: '$1,000'
The Dad says, 'That's terrible to over charge your friends like that....that is way more than those things cost. I'm taking you to church for confession.'
They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door.
The boy says, 'Dark in here.' The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again; you're in my closet now....'

[gibbo]

A man goes to see the Rabbi. 'Rabbi, something terrible is happening
and I have to talk to you about it.'
The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?'
The man replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.'
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?'
The man then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me,
what should I do?'
The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to
her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.'
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, 'Well, I spoke to your wife.
I spoke to her on the phone for three hours.
You want my advice?'
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied,
'Take the poison.

[Tony Nitrous]

Bloke goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants.
"I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits" he says.
"You dirty bastard!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my husband."
The bloke apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe.

The Barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants.
"I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your arse and lick it all off."
She says, "You dirty filthy pervert! You're banned. Get out!!"
Again, the bloke apologizes and swears never ever to do it again.

"One more chance," says the barmaid, "Now - what do you want?"
"I want to turn you upside down, tear your knickers off and fill your pussy with Guinness, and then drink every last drop from the hairy cup."

The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the telly.
"What's up love?" he asks.
"There's a bloke in the bar who wants to put his head between my tits and lick the sweat off", she says.
"I'll kill him. Where is he?" storms the Husband.
"Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my arse cheeks and lick it off" she screams.
"Right. He's dead!" says the husband, reaching for a baseball bat.
"Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my fanny with Guinness and then drink it all" she cries!
The husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair, and switches the telly back on.
"Aren't you going to do something about it?" she cries hysterically.
"Look love, I'm not messing with any bloke who can drink 15 pints of Guinness..."

[Tony Nitrous]

BEER.

"I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mum gets."
--Tim, 7 years old

"Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice. "
--Mellanie, 7 years old

"My Mum and Dad both like beer. My Mom gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny."
--Grady, 7 years old

"My Mum and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing."
--Toby, 7 years old

"My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much.
--Sarah, 7 years old

"My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool."
--Lilly, 7 years old

"I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting."
--Ethan, 7 years old

"I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep."
--Shirley, 7 years old

"My Mum drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense."
--Jack, 7 years old

[Bear]

Paddy & Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster!
Paddy missed the tube & Mick came on the bus!!


A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.
Paddy odered a whiskey.
The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust 'I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!'

Paddy handed his drink back & said 'Me too, I didnt know we had a choice!'


Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks 'How many people are flying with you?'
Paddy replies 'I dont know! Its your f***ing plane!!'


Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy
'I'm gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm raving mad!'

He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down & shouts 'I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!' Murphy watches in amazement!
The Foreman shouts 'Paddy you're mad, go home' So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
'Where the hell are you going?' asks the Foreman.
'I cant work in the friggin dark! ' says Murphy.


Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night.
After 3 hours of amazing sex Paddy says 'I wonder how the girls are getting on'


Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.
She undresses & lies on the bed spreadeagled & says 'You know what I want dont you?'

'Yeah,' says Paddy. 'The whole friggin bed by the looks of it!'


Q. Whats a Catholic priest & a pint of Guiness got in common?
A. black coat, white collar & you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!


Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for
not servicing the electric chair.
He said, in his professional opinion, that it was a death trap!

[Tony Nitrous]

Works best with sound up LOUD....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B1X3ncPqD9I&feature=player_embedded

[Fish]

My mother-in-law just sent me this.... great woman.

A man is seeking to join the Queensland Police force - The Sergeant doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."

Then, sliding a pistol across the desk, he says: "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit. "

"Why the rabbit?"


"Great attitude,mate" says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"

[uncle pervy]

this frog walks into a bank and goes up to the tell and asks for a loan. the teller says hes to go see Patrica Whack, the loans officer. So the frog goes up to the loans office and asks for a loan. The loans officer asks him his name. the frog answers Kermit Jagger. She asks him if he has any collateral and the frog pulls out a tiny ceramic elephant and hands it to her. she looks a little perplexed and says she has to see the manager. so she goes off and see him and tells him about the frog and little ceramic ornament and asks the manager what it is? the manager takes it and looks it over, then replies. Its a nick knack patty whack, give the frog a loan. his ol mans a rolling stone.

[JackTar]

Q - What would Steve Irwin be doing if he was still alive?

A - Scratching the fuck out of his coffin lid.

[Bear]

A Florida couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about an
African black bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.

When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around
his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower; his
wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?"

The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.

A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?"

"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.

"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"

"No, it's turned black.

[Bear]

A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends.

We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're Leaving From the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up'
' Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas. '

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.

The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good ....

The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?

He said, 'Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to Do?'

The wife replied, 'I did. They're in your fishing box ...'

[Jup]

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelery store one Friday evening with a Beautiful young thing at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.

'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweler said..

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by cheque.

I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,' he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man.. 'There's no money in that account.'

'I know,' said the old man,


'But let me tell you about my weekend...'

[hotmilk]

A recent survey asked Australians if they believed there was too much immigration into the country.

18% said: YES

82% said: #1605;#1593;#1607;#1583; #1575;#1604;#1571;#1605;#1606; #1575;#1604;#1593;#1575;#1604;#1605;#1610; #1576;#1608;#1575;! #1588;#1606;#1591;

EDIT - fuck it.... didnt work :( was meant to be something in arabic or someshit lol

[hotmilk]

heres one to make up for the above one not working....



A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.

The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."

The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."

The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.

After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "

The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"

[Tony Nitrous]

A ten-year-old boy was walking down the street when a big man on a orange motorcycle pulls up behind him and asks, "Hey kid, wanna go for a ride?" "No!", said the boy, and he kept on walking.

The motorcyclist pulls up to him again and says,

"Hey kid, I'll give you 10 bucks if you hop on the back.
"NO!" said the boy and proceeded down the street a little quicker.

The motorcyclist pulls up to the boy again and says, "OK kid, I'll give you 20 bucks and a BIG bag of lollies if you hop on the back for a ride."
At this point the boy turns around to him and screams angrily,

"Look Dad, YOU bought the Honda, so you ride it!"

[Bear]

Things Got Ya Down? Well Then, Consider These ..

In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am;

regardless of their medical condition. ?This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do

with the super natural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 am Sunday,

so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday

morning, a few minutes before 11:00 am all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to

see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer

books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11:00 , Kenneth Roberts,

the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the

vacuum cleaner.


Still Having a Bad Day????

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special

ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and

applause from Greenpeace onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Still think you are having a Bad ?Day????

Betty came home to find Jerry in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of

wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current,

she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been

happily listening to his Walkman.

Are Ya OK Now? - No?

Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn ,

Germany . Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding

madly. The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.

What?!? STILL having a Bad Day????

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb.
It came back with 'Return to Sender' stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

God is Good!

There now, Feeling Better, Are We?

[Bear]

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"

The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."

"How?" asks the man, puzzled.

"Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . . To people who are out standing in their field."

[Fight_fan]

Shouldnt u b organising the AFR dvd Bear? ;)

[Bear]

Can't while I'm at my daytime job. :(

[Fight_fan]

LOL Im @ work too! :D

[MONO]

A young blonde woman in Sydney was so depressed that she decided to end
her life by throwing herself from the Harbour Bridge .
She went down to the bridge and was about to leap into the frigid water
when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the
Bridge
crying.
He took pity on her and said "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm
off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on
my
ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."
Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll
keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded yes. "After all, what do I have to lose?"
Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.
From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece
of
fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by
the
captain ."What are you doing here?" the captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors, who's stowed me away"
she explained "I get food and free passage to Europe , and he's
screwing
me."



''He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Manly Ferry.. "

[Bear]

Teacher was asking the Grade 3 kids about their pets. Little Johnny put his hand up and said that his family was about to acquire a hedgehog.

Teacher thought that was a little strange, since you don't have hedgehogs in Australia. "Are you sure, Little Johnny?", Teacher asked. Little Johnny replied, "Sure as, Miss. Last night I heard my Mum tell my Dad that if he did the dishes, she'd give him a hedgehog".

[boris]

bullshit bear married men don't get hedgehogs only teenage boys who hang around skateboard parks

[gumby190]

A Somalian arrives in Sydney as a new immigrant to Australia.

He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says........
'Thank you Mr. Australian for letting me in this country, giving me housing, money for food, free medical care, free education and no taxes!'
The passerby says, 'You are mistaken, I am a Lebanese!'
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. 'Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Australia'
The person says, 'I not an Ozzie, I from Yugoslavian!'
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you to the wonderful Australians!'
That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Italy , I am not from Australia!'
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you an Australian'
She says , 'No, I am from Africa!'
Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the Australians?'

The African lady checks her watch and says ...'Probably at work'

[scrotary]

At the end of a tiny, deserted bar is a huge Aboriginal bloke 2 metres
tall and 150 kilos. He's having a few beers when a short, well-dressed and obviously gay man walks in and sits beside him.
After three or four beers the gay fella finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Aboriginal. Leaning over towards the Aboriginal he whispers, 'Do you want a blow-job?'
At this the massive Aboriginal leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face, knocking him swiftly off the stool. He proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar before leaving him bruised and battered in the car park, and returned to his seat at the bar.
Amazed, the barman quickly brings over another beer. 'I've never seen you react like that', he says,' Just what did he say to you?'
'I'm not sure', the big Aboriginal replies, 'something about a
job....?

i heard they're making micheal jacksons body into playground equipment so kids get to play with him for a change.

i heard they're turning micheal jackson into rice bubbles, so he can be in a ten year olds arsehole one more time

whats the difference between a white plastic shopping bag and micheal jackson? one is white, made of plastic and is a danger to children, the other is a white plastic shopping bag

[gumby190]

Woman in labour, shouting and screaming as usual, 'get this out of me, give me drugs'.

She turns to the boyfriend and says 'You did this to me you f**ker'.

He replied casually, 'If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse but you said, 'f**k off it'll be too painful', Now who's laughing'


.................................................. ...................


Was depressed last night, rang lifeline. Got a call centre in Afghanistan , told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.


.................................................. ...................


I am going to watch my wedding video in reverse later.

I love the part where she takes her ring off and walks down the isle backwards, gets in the car and f**ks off.

[Bob]

haha, love the last one!!!

[Bear]

On a bitterly cold winters morning a husband and wife in Dublin were listening to the radio during breakfast.
They heard the announcer Say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snowplows can get through.
"So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through.
"The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says,
"We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today.
You must park...." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, " I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"
Then with the love and understanding in his voice, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave the car in the garage today."

[Bear]

NEW WORLD SURVEY
Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:-

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure because of the following:

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
In the US they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
And in Australia they hung up because they couldn't understand an Indian accent.

[Bear]

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
David Bissonette

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Sacha Guitry

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Anonymous

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, 'What does a woman want?
Dumas

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Sigmund Freud

'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'
Anonymous

'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.'
Sam Kinison

'I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'
James Holt McGavra

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Patrick Murra

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once....
Nash

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Anonymous

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Henny Youngman

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Rodney Dangerfield

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'
Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
Anonymous

[Shadowzone]

What's pink and has seven dents in it?

Snow White's Hymen.....

[Bear]

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night,
when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the
bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.

2. An old friend who once saved your life.

3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there
could only be one passenger in your car? Think before you continue
reading.

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part
of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is
going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take
the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be
the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able
to find your perfect mate again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble
coming up with his answer. He simply answered: 'I would give the car
keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I
would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.'

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn
thought limitations.

Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box.'

HOWEVER...., The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put
her out of her misery, have s *x with the perfect partner on the hood
of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.

I just love happy endings!

[Fight_fan]

Did You Know?

That the words race car spelled backward says race car.

That eat is the only word that if you take the 1st letter and move it to the
last, it spells it's past tense, ate.

And,

Have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "illegal immigrants,"
and add just a few more letters, it spells out:

"Fuck off and go home you free-loading, benefit grabbing, kid producing,
violent, non-English speaking cocksuckers and take those hairy faced, sandal
wearing, bomb making, goat fucking, smelly rag head bastards with you."

How weird is that?

[Iceman]

lol

[gumby190]

Saudi couple, Ahmed and Layla, preparing for their wedding, meet with their Mullah for counseling.
The Mullah asks if they have any last questions before they leave.
Ahmed asks, 'We realize it's tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance together.'
'Absolutely not,' says the Mullah. 'It's immoral. Men and women always dance Separately.'
'So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?'
'No,' answered the Mullah, 'It's forbidden in Islam.'
'Well, okay,' says Ahmed, 'What about sex? Can we finally have sex?'
'Of course!' replies the Mullah, 'Allah Akbar! (GOD is great) Sex is OK within marriage, to have children!'
'What about different positions?' asks the man.
'Allah Akbar! Mafi Mushkila (no problem),' says the Mullah.
'Woman on top?' Ahmed asks.
'Sure,' says the Mullah. 'Allah Akbar. Go for it!'
'Doggy style?'
'Sure! Allah Akbar!'
'On the kitchen table?'
'Yes, yes! Allah Akbar!'
'Can I do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a bucket of honey and a porn video?'
'You may indeed.. Allah Akbar!'
'Can we do it standing up?'
'No, absolutely not!' says the Mullah.'
'Why not?' asks the man.
'Because that could lead to dancing!

[Bear]

"To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer."
Paul Ehrlich.

"Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up."
James Magary.

"To err is human--and to blame it on a computer is even more so."
Robert Orben.

"Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife."
Groucho Marx (...more Groucho Marx Quotes).

"Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others."
Groucho Marx (...more Groucho Marx Quotes).

"A positive attitude will not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort."
Herm Albright.

"Don't you wish there were a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence? There's one marked 'Brightness,' but it doesn't work."
Gallagher

"Television: A medium. So called because it's neither rare nor well done."
Ernie Kovacs.

[Bear]

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,
and all the patients were shouting, '13....13....13.'

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.....

Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick!

Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...

[gumby190]

The Meaty Bites Diet

I've got 2 dogs. I bought a large bag of Meaty Bites at Big W and was standing in line at the check-out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Meaty Bites Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 25 kgs before I woke in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned by the food. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the middle of the road licking my dick and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid bitch...why else would I buy dog food??

[Shadowzone]

How do you tell a well hung nigger?

By the way the rope bites into his neck...



A girl asks her doctor "Doctor, how many calories are there in semen?"
To which the Doctor replies "Honey if you swallow nobody cares if you're fat!"

[Bob]

Testicle Therapy


Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in
horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men
playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin,
fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately
began to apologise. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a
Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd
allow me', she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the
man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position,
still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side,
loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several
long moments and asked, 'How does that feel?'

He replied, 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!'

[timbo]

Why don't women ride motorcycles?


Because there is no bitumen between the sink and the washing machine

[Fight_fan]

LOL Timbo!

[336LJ]

I'm facebooking the SHIT out of that joke - take that bitches

/nerd spasm

[Bear]

An Irishman is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He immediately dials 999.

Irishman: ''It's my wife! I've accidentally shot her, I've killed her!''

Operator: ''Please calm down Sir, can you first make sure she is actually dead!''

*click* *BANG*

Irishman: ''Okay, done that. What next?''

[Bear]

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perked up and said, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'

'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.'

'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,'
said the woman..'

'What a coincidence!' said the farmer.

As they clinked glasses he added, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence!' said the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled, clinked his glass again and said, 'What a coincidence!'

[Bear]

After his exam the doctor asked the elderly man: "You appear to be in
good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me?"

"In fact I do" said the old man "After my wife and I have sex I am usually

cold and chilly, and after we have sex the 2nd time, I’m usually hot and sweaty."



Later, after examining the elderly gentleman's wife, the doctor said:
Everything appears fine. Do you have any medical concerns you would
like to discuss with me?" She replied she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then told her: "Your husband had an unusual concern.

He claims he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first
time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh that crazy old fart," she replied.

"That's because the 1st time is usually in July and the 2nd is in January."

[-Dex-]

There's an email doing the rounds that has the heading: "Nude photo of Julia Gillard inside!"

It's a trick! DO NOT OPEN IT!

There's a nude photo of Julia Gillard inside.

[Jup]

A 5 year old's first job...




Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.








A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew began to build a house on the empty lot.




The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in the goings-on and spent much of each
day observing the workers.




Eventually the construction crew, all of them 'gems-in-the-rough,' more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her during coffee and lunch breaks and gave her
little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.




At the end of the first week, they even
presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars 'pay' she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.




When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.




The little girl proudly replied, 'I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us.'




'Oh my goodness gracious,' said the teller, 'and will you be working on the house again this week, too?'




The little girl replied, 'I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fuckin' sheet rock.'




Kind of brings a tear to the eye - doesn't it?

[Bear]

This letter was sent to the Lions Bay School Principal's office
after the school had sponsored a luncheon for seniors.

An elderly lady won a new radio as a door prize and was writing to say thank you.
This story is a credit to all humankind. For anyone who might need a lift today -


Dear Lions Bay School ,

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your Senior Citizens luncheon.

I am 84 years old and live at the West Vancouver Home for the Aged.
All of my family has passed away.

I am all alone and I want to thank you for the kindness shown to a forgotten old lady.

My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.

She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to fuck off.

Thank you for that opportunity.
Sincerely,

Edna

[Bob]

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later.'

The nun agreed.

A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier?'

The nun replied, 'He went that way..'

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq ...'

The nun said, 'I understand completely.'

The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'

The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either.'

[Bear]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello.

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me?'
To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

Instantly, his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife.

He says 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly.................

"No................................................ ................

I'm your son's mathematics teacher."

[Bear]

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last. Date: 2009-05-27, 1:43 A M EST. I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend’s purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I’d like to apologize for your embarrassment, I didn’t expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 A CP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head … isn’t it! I know it probably wasn’t fun walking back to wherever you’d come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I’m sure it was even worse walking bare footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

After I called your mother, or “Momma” as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you’d done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as four other people’s in the gas station on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful! I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go’s, along with all the cash in you r wallet. [That made his day!] I then threw your wallet into the big pink “pimp mobile” that was parked at the curb … after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver’s side of the car.

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what’s going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA’s office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.). In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you … but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider the career path you’ve chosen to pursue in life.
Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours,
Bill

[Fish]

gold

[336LJ]

see, guns ARE a laughing matter..!

[Bob]

That funny shit!!!

[Bob]

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day.


Mick, the bartender says, ' You'll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy.

Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then.'

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.

'Shoite' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.

He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, 'Shoite, Shoite!'

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.

He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame.

He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face..

I'm fockin' focked,' he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No fockin' way'.

He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed.'

He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.

He says 'Fock it' and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?'.

Paddy says, 'I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?'

'Mick phoned... you left your wheelchair at the pub!'

[Bear]

^^ That had me gigling like a school boy for ages. :D

[Shadowzone]

I've been arrested 3 times this week for knocking out the wife. The police asked me why I keep beating her, and I replied: I'd say it's because I have a significant weight advantage, longer reach and better footwork!

[Bear]

40 Aboriginals arrive at the Pearly Gates
St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God, saying.

'I've got 40 Aboriginals here.

Can I let them in?'

God says
'We are over the quota on Abo’s.
Go back to the gates and tell them to choose
between them which are the 12 most worthy, and I will let just the dozen in.'

Less than a minute later, St Peter is on the phone to God again.

'They're gone', he tells God.

'What?' says God, 'All 40 of them?'



'No, the fuckin gates'.