Jokes [Archive] - Page 4 - Aussie Streetfighters

Bob

18-06-2010, 12:52 PM

I wish I´d looked after me tits

By Pam Ayres

Oh, I wish I'd looked after me dear old knockers,
Not flashed them to boys behind the school lockers,
Or let them get fondled by randy old dockers,
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits.

'Cos now I'm much older and gravity's winning.
It's Nature's revenge for all that sinning,
And those dirty memories are rapidly dimming,
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits

'Cos tits can be such troublesome things
When they no longer bounce, but dangle and swing.
And although they go well with my Bingo wings,
I wish I'd looked after me tits.

When they're both long enough to tie up in a bow,
When it's not the sweet chariot that swings low,
When they're less of a friend and more of a foe,
Then I wish I'd looked after me tits.

When I was young I got whistles and hoots,
From the men on the site to the men in the suits,
Now me nipples get stuck in the zips on me boots,
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits

When I was younger I rode bikes and scooters,
Cruising around with my favourite suitors.
Now the wheels get entangled with my dangling hooters,
I wish I'd looked after me tits..

When they follow behind and get trapped in the door,
When they're less in the air and more near the floor,
When people see less of them rather than more,
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits

StuNVA

21-06-2010, 06:39 PM

Why She Changed Hotels

Last week, I checked into the Four Seasons in Palm Beach and was a bit
lonely. I thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in
phone books for escorts and sensual massages."

I looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling
himself Tender Tony -a very handsome man with assorted physical skills
flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right
places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack
abs and I felt quite certain I could bounce a sixpence off his well
oiled bum.... you get the picture. I figured, what the heck, I'll give
him a call.

"Hello, ma'am, how may I help you?" . . .

Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy! Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I rushed right in,
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage, I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you.
I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now.
Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks.
We'll go hot and heavy all night -tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything baby.
Now how does that sound?"

He says, "Oh my God... that sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."

StuNVA

28-06-2010, 09:56 AM

A Scottish couple decided to go to Spain to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at
the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their
travel schedules. So, the husband left Glasgow and flew to Barcelona on Thursday, with his wife
flying down the following day.. The husband checked into the hotel. There
was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.
However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and
without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Blackpool, a widow
had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who
died following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and
friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and
saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've Arrived

Date: October 16, 2008

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and
you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.

I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that

Everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as
mine was.

P.S. Bloody hot down here

Snaffler

28-06-2010, 04:45 PM

a man got to the bathroom in a truck stop
as he walks in he see`s the condom vendors machine
he looks it over and see`s theres every flavor condom
and he buys one of each..

he goes home and tells the wife about the flavored condoms and she
laughs and smiles at the hubby.
the hubby says, i thought we could play a game tonight and she agrees.
night time comes and the two are in bed and the hubby says to the wife,
ok now you go under the sheets and i will put one on and u have to tell me what flavor it is ok, she says ok and goes under the sheets.

she starts sucking his cock and comes up from under the sheets and screems CHEESE & ONION

hubby says, shees women you have to wait till i get the dam thing on first!!

StuNVA

03-07-2010, 08:45 PM

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next:

"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.

The teacher held her breath ...

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog shit!"

Then I would say,"It is dog shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

"I used the governmental approach of giving you something shitty for free, and then making you pay to get the shitty taste out of your mouth."

ALBI

04-07-2010, 05:41 PM

tony the fisherman
tony went out 40 nautical miles of newcastle to go fishing for the best marlin and was hit suddenly by a rouge wave!
when he looked around he noticed he was taking to much water on and the bildge pump couldnt pump it out quick enough
so he reached for the UHF radio and called for help" mayday mayday this is tony the fisherman im a sinkin ,i need help"
5 min later he grabs the mic again "mayday mayday this is tony the fisherman im a sinking tha water is up to my ankles i need a help" still nothin.
5 mins later again help calls for help "mayday mayday this is tony the fisherman im a sinkin the water is up to my knees ,i need a help help!" still nothin
then he grabs the mic again "mayday mayday this is a tony i need a ya help tha water is up to my chest i need a help" nothin.
then in one final atempt "this is a tony i need help the water is up to my neck and a my boats a sinking i needa help please "
then over the speaker the words he is awiting for "tony the fisherman ,this williamtown RAAF base search and rescue! please standby for rescue we are currnently sending our fockerfriendship t..." tony then quickly butts in and replys "i dont needa ya fucking friendship ! i needa ya fucking help!!!!!

ALBI

04-07-2010, 07:12 PM

tony the truckie
anyway tony the fisherman doesnt want to buy a new boat with his insurance money so he buys a KENWORTH T908 "b"double truck,
and starts hauling for barter chickens
on one of his many run's he starts to get board and lonly so he buys a "cockatoo" and mounts the perch on his dashboard and for the next 12 months enjoys his new pal.
the long haul starts to take affect on him sexually now !
then one day while at MACKSVILLE for a quick refuel and grub he spots a girl hitch hicking and he pulls over and picks her up then he is overwelmed buy her sexy body and lets it slip "do you fuck!!"
the girl relplies"oh no you are to old"
tony then says "well fuck of then!! and pulls over and kicks her to the kerb! all the while the cocky is watching !
a couple o kys up the road there is another chick and he pulls over and picks her up just as he picks up top gear ( no not the uk show) he says to her "do you fuck" she says oh no you re to fat and hairy!!"
so he pulls over and says "well fuck off then! so he pulls over and kicks her to kerb !
now this happens at 3 times more ont the way from KEMPSY to BRISVEGAS ,
then he see's a NUN stranded by the side of the road!
so being ITALIAN and a christian, he feels obliged to offer his help so he pulls over and offers a lift in which the NUN thanks god and accepts
just as he picks up top gear headed for BRISSY ,all is quite in the cab except for the sweet sound and humm from the cummins isx signiture series engine!
the nun now is felling good that help has been given and asks tony if she can please go in the back and change into her long nightie and retire for the rest of the trip! in which tony replies " yes !! the sleeper is all for you ,please just be carefull of my pet cockatoo and place him back on his pearch on the dash please " "certanly "replies the NUN, he notices the
nun has relaxed and has removerd her habit in the sleeper and starts to remove the rest of her clothes,then he sneeks a peek and see's her in sexy black long sheer stockings complete with a black garter belt and satin black high cut knicker's,with a red rose stitched into the garterbelt and a little red devil tattoed under her belly button and she also has a black t shirt with some strange words on the front big blue letters "ASF"" let the maddness begin!! cut so it just sits below her perky ripe pink puffy nipple's!! he is taken a gasp and befor he can relise what he says !he ask's "DO YOU FUCK "in which the horney as fuck nun replies "do i ever".
in an instant he pulls over and climbes in to sleeper and starts his foreplay(yes ladies we men know what it is)but he just cant get into it as if someone is watching ??
then he remembers the cockatoo so he removes the perch and put it on the top of the cab a couple of hours later they finish and get on with the trip ,then tony notices the RTA car behind him flashing his lights and amber beacon rotating !he thinks to himself im upto date with my rego,the truck is new ,so no probs with roadworthyness,so he pulls over and then this big busly bloke comes up to his truck and steps up to his window, and says"mate what the fuck do you think you are doing ?? dont you know all loads must be straped and covered??you have chickens flying of everywhere!!"
then tony looks confused then remembers the cockatoo!! he jumps out and climbs to the top and there is his cocky on the trailers pulling out the chikens and saying "do you fuck? well fuck off then!!

JackTar

05-07-2010, 01:41 PM

A couple was going out for the evening.

They'd gotten ready, all dolled up, but just needed to put the dog out when the taxi arrives.

However as the couple walked out of the house, the dog shoots back in the house.

They don't want the dog shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty, explains to the taxi driver: 'He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother.'

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.

'Sorry I took so long' he says. 'Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her arse downstairs and tossed her in the back yard!

She better not shit in the vegetable garden again!'

The silence in the cab was deafening

Bob

15-07-2010, 07:38 AM

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help.

The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he will stop snoring.

'Yeah right!' she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles..

Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed...

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk after drinking with his mates. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and immediately begins snoring loudly.

The woman decides maybe the ribbon might work on him. So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles.
Amazingly, it also works on him!

The woman sleeps soundly. The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates.

He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers,

'I don't know where we were ... or what we did

But, by God we took FIRST and SECOND place

StuNVA

15-07-2010, 07:01 PM

Advice for all new Muslim immigrants :
If you are trapped in a burning house
or have been seriously injured and are
bleeding to death,
the new emergency number is:-

08463871208666581209387153761008665131245408547352 70674586991233241657490768554109283657389999566322 084638712086665812093871537610086651
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12332416574907685541092836573899995663224735270674 58699123324165749076855410928365738999956632238999 956630846387120866658120938715376100
86651312454085473527067458699123324165749076855410 92836573899995663220846387120866658120938715376100 866513124540854735270674586991233241
65749076855410928365738999956632238999956632208463 87120866658120938715376100866513124540854735270674 586991233241657490768554109283657389
99956632247352706745869912332416574907685541092836 57389999566322389999566308463871208666581209387153 761008665131245408547352706745869912
33241657490768554109283657389999566322084638712086 66581209387153761008665131245408547352706745869912 332416574907685541092836573899995663
22389999566322084638712086665812093871537610086651 31245408547352706745869912332416574907685541092836 573899995663224735270674586991233241
65749076855410928365738999956632238999956630846387 12086665812093871537610086651312454085473527067458 699123324165749076855410928365738999
95663220846387120866658120938715376100866513124540 85473527067458699123324165749076855410928365738999 956632238999956632208463871208666581
20938715376100866513124540854735270674586991233241 65749076855410928365738999956632247352706745869912 332416574907685541092836573899995663
22389999566308463871208666581209387153761008665131 24540854735270674586991233241657490768554109283657 389999566322084638712086665812093871
53761008665131245408547352706745869912332416574907 68554109283657389999566322389999566322084638712086 665812093871537610086651312454085473
52706745869912332416574907685541092836573899995663 22473527067458699123324165749076855410928365738999 956632238999956630846387120866658120
93871537610086651312454085473527067458699123324165 74907685541092836573899995663220846387120866658120 938715376100866513124540854735270674
65749076855410928365738999956632238999956632208463 87120866658120938715376100866513124540854735270674 586991233241657490768554109283657389
99956632247352706745869912332416574907685541092836 57389999566322389999566308463871208666581209387153 761008665131245408547352706745869912
33241657490768554109283657389999566322084638712086 66581209387153761008665131245408547352706745869912 332416574907685541092836573899995663
22389999566322084638712086665812093871537610086651 31245408547352706745869912332416574907685541092836 573899995663224735270674586991233241
65749076855410928365738999956632238999956630846387 12086665812093871537610086651312454085473527067458 699123324165749076855410928365738999
95663220846387120866658120938715376100866513124540 85473527067458699123324165749076855410928365738999 956632238999956632208463871208666581
20938715376100866513124540854735270674586991233241 65749076855410928365738999956632247352706745869912 332416574907685541092836573899995663
22389999566308463871208666581209387153761008665131 24540854735270674586991233241657490768554109283657 389999566322084638712086665812093871
31245408547352706745869912332416574907685541092836 57389999566322389999566322084638712086665812093871 537610086651312454085473527067458699
12332416574907685541092836573899995663224735270674 58699123324165749076855410928365738999956632238999 956630846387120866658120938715376100
86651312454085473527067458699123324165749076855410 92836573899995663220846387120866658120938715376100 866513124540854735270674586991233241
65749076855410928365738999956632238999956632208463 87120866658120938715376100866513124540854735270674 586991233241657490768554109283657389
99956632247352706745869912332416574907685541092836 57389999566322389999566308463871208666581209387153 761008665131245408547352706745869912
33241657490768554109283657389999566322084638712086 66581209387153761008665131245408547352706745869912 332416574907685541092836573899995663
22389999566322084638712086665812093871537610086651 31245408547352706745869912332416574907685541092836 573899995663224735270674586991233241
65749076855410928365738999956632238999956630846387 12086665812093871537610086651312454085473527067458 699123324165749076855410928365738999
95663220846387120866658120938715376100866513124540 85473527067458699123324165749076855410928365738999 956632238999956632208463871208666581
20938715376100866513124540854735270674586991233241 65749076855410928365738999956632247352706745869912 332416574907685541092836573899995663
22389999566308463871208666581209387153761008665131 24540854735270674586991233241657490768554109283657 389999566322084638712086665812093871
53761008665131245408547352706745869912332416574907 68554109283657389999566322389999566322084638712086 665812093871537610086651312454085473
52706745869912332416574907685541092836573899995663 22473527067458699123324165749076855410928365738999 956632238999956630846387120866658120
93871537610086651312454085473527067458699123324165 74907685541092836573899995663220846387120866658120 938715376100866513124540854735270674
65749076855410928365738999956632238999956632208463 87120866658120938715376100866513124540854735270674 586991233241657490768554109283657389
99956632247352706745869912332416574907685541092836 57389999566322389999566308463871208666581209387153 761008665131245408547352706745869912
33241657490768554109283657389999566322084638712086 66581209387153761008665131245408547352706745869912 332416574907685541092836573899995663
22389999566322084638712086665812093871537610086651 31245408547352706745869912332416574907685541092836 573899995663224735270674586991233241
65749076855410928365738999956632238999956630846387 12086665812093871537610086651312454085473527067458 699123324165749076855410928365738999
95663220846387120866658120938715376100866513124540 85473527067458699123324165749076855410928365738999 956632238999956632208463871208666581
20938715376100866513124540854735270674586991233241 65749076855410928365738999956632247352706745869912 332416574907685541092836573899995663
22389999566344587774566321178512569874452115556874 41200362100254120025445004455899963214785203690258 01470052014061964224466880012345874.

Thank You For Your Patience.

StuNVA

16-07-2010, 09:08 PM

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.

After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, the re was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, the re was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The MP was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, the re were a dozen MPs lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON

StuNVA

17-07-2010, 09:38 AM

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Timmy, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.

Timmy clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,
'An, ID ten T error ? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Timmy grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?''

No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like the little shit.

Bob

19-07-2010, 07:30 AM

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!

'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'

The Irishman nodded...'I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.'

'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.

'No, from the f * * kin' skippin'

Bob

19-07-2010, 07:33 AM

A little guy is sitting at the bar staring at his drink when a large, threateningly leering biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, watcha' gonna do about it?" he says menacingly, as the little guy bursts into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, " I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy.
"I`m a complete failure. I was late to a meeting, and my Boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car stolen and I don't have any insurance,
I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me.
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all.
"I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in, and sit here watching the poison dissolve. Then a wise-ass like you shows up and drinks the whole thing!"

Bob

19-07-2010, 08:41 AM

In the UK, for a rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter was
searching out the main cause of Mad Cow disease and arranged for an
interview with a farmer who may have had some theories on the matter ...
This is how the interview went,

Lady reporter: "I'm here to collect information on the possible sources of
Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?"
The farmer stared at the reporter for a while and said: "Do you know that
a bull mounts a cow only once a year?"

The reporter was obviously embarrassed and said, "Well, sir, that's a new
piece of information.. but what's the relation between this phenomenon and
Mad Cow disease?"
The farmer continued: "And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a
day?"

Reporter: "Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about
getting to the point?"

And the farmer replied: "I am getting to the point madam. Just imagine, if
I was playing with your tits twice a day ... and only screwing you once a
year, wouldn't you get mad?"

ALBI

19-07-2010, 09:52 AM

what do you call a leb drowning in the ocean?

fuckim!

ALBI

19-07-2010, 09:54 AM

what do you call a pissed muslim?

hamad

ALBI

19-07-2010, 09:56 AM

what do you call a group of pissed muslims?

mo-hammad

what do you call a muslim in a lane way

alli

what do you call pissed muslims standing in a lane

mo-hammad alli !!

MONO

20-07-2010, 03:06 PM

http://www.asfphotos.com/upload/1279675549.gif

"Ya’ know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on,
I couldn't bend it with both hands.
By the time I was 50, I could bend it
about 10 degrees if I tried really hard.
By the time I was 60, I could bend it
about 20 degrees, no problem.
I'm gonna’ be 80 next week, and now I can
almost bend it in half with just one hand."

"So, what's your point?"

"Well, I'm just wondering
how much stronger I'm gonna’ get!"

boris

20-07-2010, 07:47 PM

that's a pisser mono I got that the other day and pissed myself laughing(only cos I can only bend it to 10 degrees still not like some on here)

Redmohawk

22-07-2010, 11:28 PM

What do you get if you cross an elephant with a poodle?

A dead sticky dog that has been split in half!

Redmohawk

22-07-2010, 11:30 PM

What do you give an elephant that has diarrhoea ?

Plenty of space!

Redmohawk

22-07-2010, 11:31 PM

Can you take a bath if you have diarrhoea?

You can if you have enough!

DiscoDan

24-07-2010, 04:39 PM

Repost fail I'm afraid, scroll up to July 16 :)

ACTAngler

25-07-2010, 06:33 PM

oops, gone!

greasy

26-07-2010, 02:46 PM

quote:Originally posted by ALBI

what do you call a pissed muslim?

hamad
http://i255.photobucket.com/albums/hh135/go3705/Pork_Crusader.jpg

nick76

26-07-2010, 04:48 PM

What do you call a goodlooking muslim/lebo?

Asif

Bob

28-07-2010, 07:21 AM

At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto, they have weekly husband's marriage seminars.

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda DA money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'

The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?'

Giuseppe proudly replied, " I gonna go pick her up."

Shiny Things

03-08-2010, 06:33 PM

My best friend caught me sniffing his sisters nickers. He went right off at me, as she was wearing them at the time...

...it made the rest of her funeral very awkward for both of us.

Elapid

04-08-2010, 10:20 AM

Two Irishmen are hammering floorboards down.

Paddy picks up a nail, realises it’s upside down & throws it away.

He carries on doing this until Murphy says ‘Why are you throwing them away??’

‘Because they’re upside down’ says Paddy.

‘You dope says Murphy. ‘I was saving them for the ceiling’!!!!

nick76

05-08-2010, 05:08 PM

Julia Gillard was seated next to a little girl on an aeroplane leaving from Sydney.
She turned to her and said,'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passengers.'
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to Gillard, 'What would you like to talk about?'
'Oh, I don't know,' said Julia. 'How about global warming or health care', and she smiles smugly.
OK, ' the girl said. 'Those could be interesting topics. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a
kangaroo all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a kangaroo excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and
a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'
The PM, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'
The little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming or health care when you don't know shit?'

StuNVA

05-08-2010, 08:03 PM

A Kiwi was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal
companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but
there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was Julia Gillard.

That evening, the man brought Julia to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the man started to get 'those feelings' again.

He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Julia and told her he hadn't had sex for months.

Julia batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.

The Kiwi said, 'Take the dog for a walk!'

StuNVA

30-08-2010, 09:46 AM

Got my son an iPhone for his birthday the other week and recently got my daughter an iPod for hers.
I was dead chuffed when the family clubbed together and bought me an iPad for Father’s day.

Got my wife an iRon for her birthday. It was around then the fight started......

Bastard

31-08-2010, 10:20 PM

This was found on the Refrigerator One Morning :

My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife.

Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.

Please don't be upset I shall be home before midnight.

Love

Fred

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old, however I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old.

As you know, I am a mathematics teacher at our local college and would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.

As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of maths, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.

Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

Love

Edith xxx

StuNVA

02-09-2010, 06:11 PM

Are you a Labor, a Liberal, or a National Voter?
Here is a little test that will help you decide.
The answer can be found by posing the following question.
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.
Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities,
praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you.
You are carrying a Smith & Wesson 6 shot revolver gun, and you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What do you do?

THINK AND READ CAREFULLY THEN SCROLL DOWN:
Labor Voter’s Answer:
• Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
• Does the man look poor or oppressed?
• Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
• Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids?
• Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation?
• Does the hand-gun have appropriate safety built into it?
• Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
• Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
• Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
• If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 000?
• Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have community clean -up day. Can we make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behaviour.
• I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.
• This is all so confusing!
.................................................. .............................
Liberal's Answer:
BANG!
.................................................. ........................
National's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click.... (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy!'
'Were those the Winchester Copper Tips or Hollow Points?! '
Son: 'Can I shoot the next one?!'
Wife: 'You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!

Swordsy

02-09-2010, 07:04 PM

The Philosophy of Ambiguity

FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE
IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:

1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.

2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.

3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND
APES?

5. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL
THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF-
HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

8. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH
SOAP?

9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT
CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"

12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED
PLANT?

13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

15. WHY DO THEY LOCK PETROL STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE
WILL CLEAN THEM?

16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO
REMAIN SILENT?

19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD
SIGNS?

21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?

24. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?

25. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

26. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

27. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

28. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

29. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?

30. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?

31. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

32. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

33. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY
BECOME DISORIENTED?

34. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS of GOD

sharky

03-09-2010, 01:12 PM

A friend of mine just started his own business, manufacturing landmines that look like prayer mats.

It’s doing well he says.

Prophets are going through the roof.

livewire

03-09-2010, 04:15 PM

I'm not racist.
I hate all you white cunts too.

StuNVA

04-09-2010, 11:41 AM

Even More to Offend Everyone

The rescue workers at the Pakistan flood area say that the smell of bodies is unbearable.
They expect it to get worse when they start finding the dead ones.

A charity single has been released in aid of the Pakistan Flood Relief. It's called, "Raindrops Keep Falling On Ahmed."

There were no survivors from that recent Pakistani Airlines plane that crashed, killing all 152 people on board.
Both families are devastated.

Paddy got arrested in Bunnings today for punching an African woman at the till.
He claims it wasn't his fault as his father had told him to go in and get a Black and Decker.

Experts are worried about President Obama's mental state after he pledged millions of dollars of aid to Northern Ireland, following the tragedy of Hurricane Higgins.

A lesbian went for a smear test and the doctor told her, "That's the cleanest vagina I've seen!"
The lesbian replied, "Yes, I have a woman in twice a week!"

Paddy and his wife were discussing their sex life. Paddy said, "I want to try that wheelbarrow position tonight."
His wife asked, "What is that?"
Paddy told her, "You bend over, put your hands on the floor then I pick your legs up and take you from behind!"
His wife said, "Hmm, okay, I'll do it on two conditions. First, if it hurts you stop immediately and, second, ... we don't go down past my mother's house!"

My teenage son told me that he had sex with the neighbor’s daughter last night for the first time.
"Well done, son," I said, "I hope you used something though?"
He replied, "Yeah, a balaclava!"

I went to the doctor while I was on holiday in Bangkok recently, to get my testicles checked out.
While the doc was cupping my dangly bits, she said, "Don't worry, it's normal to get an erection during this kind of examination."
I said, "I haven't got an erection!"
She replied, "No, but I have!"

Ramadan is here again.
The one time of the year when Muslims cannot eat or drink within the hours of daylight, they just starve.
Never has the term, "Not enough hours in the day" been more appropriate!

A little Pakistani girl goes to her mother and says, "Mummy, I don't want to be a lesbian when I grow up!"
Her mother says, "What makes you think you'll be a lesbian, Minjeeta?"

A bloke was sitting on a bus when a gorgeous woman next to him starts breastfeeding her baby.
The baby won't take it so she says, "Come on, eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here."
Ten minutes later, the baby is still not feeding so she says again, "Eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here."
The bloke says, "Listen, love, can you make your bloody mind up, I should've got off four stops ago!"

French foreplay: Dinner, wine, sex!
Italian foreplay: Dinner, wine, caressing, sex!
Latino foreplay: Dinner, wine, dancing, caressing, sex!
Scottish foreplay: "Haw, ye awake?"

I fostered a Muslim child yesterday..... all four cans hit him on the head!
The guy who owned the Hoyts cinema group has died. His funeral is next Friday at 2.10, 4.20 and 8.40.

I got banned from a Muslim clothes shop today. I only asked for a bomber jacket. Touchy basta*ds!

Why do Cadbury's make white chocolate buttons?
So that black kids can have messy faces as well!

Tony Nitrous

10-09-2010, 03:50 PM

Had a guy doorknocking today .
He asked me if i would like to contribute to the Pakistani floods .
I said " sorry mate but my hose only reaches the front fence " .

StuNVA

10-09-2010, 05:03 PM

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a Supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled, and asks: "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "It's Keith. The midget."

Tony Nitrous

19-09-2010, 06:10 PM

Why are pirates called pirates?

Because they 'arrrrrrrrrr'

Tony Nitrous

20-09-2010, 09:57 AM

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the wife asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the husband replied, "in-laws."

Tony Nitrous

22-09-2010, 07:48 PM

After an excitingly hot 69 position with his girlfriend, Gary remembered he had a dentist appointment. He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times, used dental floss 8 times & on top of that gargled 1 litre of Listerine. As he arrived at the dentist he sucked 2 strong mints. His turn came up & the dentist told him to take a seat.

Feeling confident & relaxed, Gary opened his mouth wide.

The dentist got close enough & said, "Man, did you have 69 before you came here? "

Gary said, "Does my breath smell like pussy"?

The dentist replied, "No, your forehead smells like shit."

Cruisecontrol

22-09-2010, 08:24 PM

quote:Originally posted by Tony Nitrous

Why are pirates called pirates?

Because they 'arrrrrrrrrr'

Haha, I just read this. Sept 19, gold...

StuNVA

23-09-2010, 11:18 AM

The TAX DEPARTMENT decided to audit Grandpa, and summoned him to the Tax Office. The Taxation Office Auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his solicitor.

The taxman says, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the Tax Department finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The taxman thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The taxman thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The taxman's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the taxman can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned taxman now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's solicitor as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The taxman, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the tax man's desk.

The tax man leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win..

But Grandpa's own solicitor moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the taxman asks Grandpa's solicitor.

'Not really,' says the solicitor. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for a tax audit, he bet me $50,000 that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

Tony Nitrous

24-09-2010, 05:33 PM

A couple take in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathtub but if she wanted to she could use a tin bath in front of the fire......

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.

The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday....

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said:

"Next Monday, don't go to darts. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself.."

So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?"

"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hair?"

"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she showed off her hairy muff.

When the girl went to bed the husband came in, and the wife asked: "Did you see it?"

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."

"Why not?" she said. "You've seen it before."

"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!!"

Iceman

24-09-2010, 06:13 PM

The fact that I play darts on a Monday makes that even funnier.

StuNVA

27-09-2010, 04:28 PM

Julia Gillard takes Oakeshott, Windsor and Wilkie for a celebration dinner at a big fancy restaurant in Canberra.

The waitress approached and asked "What would you like to order Ms. Gillard"?

She replied, "I would like a nice Australian beef fillet steak please"

The waitress said, "But Ms. Gillard, what about your vegetables"?

She replied, "They can order whatever they like"

Tony Nitrous

11-10-2010, 09:25 AM

A man went to the doctor's office to ask for a triple dose of Viagra.
The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a triple dose.
'Why not?' asked the man.
'Because it's not safe,' replied the doctor.
'But I need it really bad,' said the man.
'Well, why do you need it so badly?' asked the doctor.

The man said, 'My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday, my ex-wife will be here on Saturday and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I've got to have a triple dose.'

The doctor finally relented saying, 'All right, I'll give it to you, but
you have to come in Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects.'

On Monday afternoon the man dragged himself into the doctor’s office...his right arm in a sling.
The doctor asked, 'Good God! What happened to you?'

The man said, 'No one showed up!'

Tony Nitrous

14-10-2010, 03:28 PM

I've just been watching those Chilean miners on the TV.

I have to say- I haven't seen so many minors coming out of the ground
since they dug up Fred West's patio.

Large

14-10-2010, 03:38 PM

I live next door to an Arab couple and they have challenged me to a water fight in the back yard.
They have 3 little kids. So, I am writing this to kill time until the water boils.

Large

14-10-2010, 03:39 PM

I was at my bank today; there was a short line.

There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.

It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen.

Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"

Tony Nitrous

14-10-2010, 04:43 PM

I hear George Michael's has released a new single.
It's called "I've Dropped the Soap".

He's apparently had a surprise entry in the number two slot.

Tony Nitrous

14-10-2010, 04:54 PM

There's a new diet sweeping the Pakistani nation - Swimfast!

What do you call a pakistan flood survivor?
Mustapha Dingi.

Julia Gillard announced she is going to flush the Taliban out of Pakistan.
Bloody Hell! she's got friends in high places.

What do you get if you insert human DNA into a goat?
Banned from the petting zoo.

A fat women goes to the doctor and asks
"whats the easiest exercise I can do to lose weight"
He replies "Shake your head from side to side".
She asks "How often should I do this"
Doctor replies "everytime your offered food ya fat cow"

Large

14-10-2010, 10:48 PM

http://www.asfphotos.com/upload/1287111730.jpg

Tony Nitrous

20-10-2010, 05:01 AM

Wouldn't it be good to date a homeless woman ?

It wouldn't matter where you dropped them off at the end of the night !

Boom-Tish, thank you very much,
im here all week.

http://img39.imageshack.us/img39/1585/coatg.gif

BANDITROD

27-10-2010, 07:45 AM

JUST A TAP ON THE SHOULDER

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab.

Then, the still shaking driver said, 'Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.'
The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle the driver so badly.

The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my Fault Today is my very first day driving a cab . . . . . . . ..

I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years.'

livewire

11-11-2010, 11:28 AM

Fact of life.

After Monday and Tuesday, even the calender sez W T F

Fish

16-11-2010, 05:44 PM

As SMSed to me by a mate:

Just pulled an abo out of my letterbox, I think some cunt is trying to blackmail me!

Scientists have now found that women are DNA linked to prawns, thier heads are full of shit, but their pink bits taste great!

wackyrider

16-11-2010, 09:34 PM

The teacher asked if anyone in the class could use the word 'incompletely' in a sentence.

Johnny stood up and said, " When my balls touch my girlfriends arsehole, I know I am in completely"

ALBI

16-11-2010, 10:29 PM

Lmao wacky loved that one
J

xa-mont

17-11-2010, 08:25 AM

BAHAHAHAHA!!!

OLD SKOOL BANDIT

17-11-2010, 08:52 AM

Teacher asks class if anyone knows a sentence with the word contagious in it. Little johnny throws his arm up and shouts, " me and my dad were watching our old neighbour dig a hole and it took the cunt ages"

Teacher asks class if anyone knows a sentence with the word facinate in it. Little jonny throws up hia arm and says, "My coat has ten buttons but I can only fasten eight"

Harry

25-11-2010, 07:54 PM

I went to get on a bus this morning and the pakistani driver said "im jampacked full" i said i dont care what your fuck'in name is,i just want to get on.

Harry

25-11-2010, 08:00 PM

3 men where sitting in a pub, 1st man says i call my wife dove cause she's small and petite,2nd man say's i call mine flamingo,cause she's tall and slender,3rd man say's i call mine thrush cause she's a irritating cunt !

Harry

25-11-2010, 08:02 PM

i was horrified to learn that donkeys where hung like niggers,What sick fuck would hang a donkey from a tree !

mozza

25-11-2010, 09:28 PM

Three old men are sitting on a bench complaining about being old. The first guy says "my hands shake so bad I can no longer write my own name", the second guy says "my hands shake so bad, every morning when I try and drink my coffee I spill it all over my toast, it fucken drives me nuts", The third guy says " you guys have got it good, the other day I went to take a piss and ejaculated just trying to get my dick out !"

StuNVA

04-12-2010, 10:54 AM

A man charges into a bank, wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun.
He shouts, "This is a raid - everyone get on the floor !!", and proceeds to empty the cash drawers.

As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his balaclava. The robber immediately shoots the customer and shouts, "Did anybody else here see my face ?"

The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and shoots him also.

"Did anybody else see my face ?" he shouts again, waving his gun around.

There is silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from a distant corner..

"I think my missus caught a glimpse !!"

Tony Nitrous

04-12-2010, 03:06 PM

Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day
To confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked
'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.
'Yes, I did.' he replied.

'My God, Bill, what happened?'

'I got fired.'
'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'
'Oh...she got fired too.'

Bastard

26-12-2010, 06:07 AM

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale: "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink."

They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female: "Lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore."

At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look", she said: "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

boris

28-12-2010, 05:09 PM

sounds like most women I've met bastard

Shadowzone

08-01-2011, 07:36 PM

90% of men will tell you the birth of your first child is the greatest thing you will ever witness.

Obviously they've never seen a coon get hit by a road train.....

K6Thou

08-01-2011, 07:49 PM

I was walking down the street the other day and saw a family of coons on a pedestrian crossing get plowed down by a truck and i thought to myself fuck that could have been me .........

I've got a truck license.

StuNVA

09-01-2011, 11:19 AM

A twin-engine plane has one of its engines fail, altitude and air speed are rapidly decreasing ...

The pilot speaks over the intercom. "I'm sorry it had to come to this folks, but unfortunately
we're gonna have to jettison baggage in order for the aircraft to remain airborne."

Baggage is thrown out, but the plane's speed continues to decrease.

Again the pilot gets on the intercom; "I hate to have to do this, but now we're gonna have to
start off-loading passengers. The only fair way to do it is alphabetically, so we'll start with the letter 'A'

"Africans, any Africans on board?"

No one answers

"Ok then 'B'. "Black people, any black people?"

Again, silence
.
"C - Coloured people, any Coloured people on board?"

Silence.

A little black boy in the back turns to his mother. "But Mom, ain't we African?, ain't we Black?
Ain't we Coloured?"

Yes son, but for the purpose of this exercise we is Niggers.

Let dem Mexicans and Muslims go first.

ACTAngler

13-01-2011, 09:58 PM

I just spoke to a mate from the floods in Queensland. He said that since early this morning the water is nearly waist high, its pissing down outside & winds are near gale force strength. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window, just staring and crying. He says that if it gets much worse he may have to let her back inside.

...

Through work I was asked if I could help out with the flooding in Queensland. I said "Sorry mate, my hose only reaches to the end of the garden."

(sorry if this is too soon)

Shadowzone

14-01-2011, 05:45 PM

Iraq has offered to help out with the floods by sending thousands of towels. It's all they could think of off the top of their heads...

it's funny how you don't see tree huggers when there's bushfires and floods around...

Shadowzone

15-01-2011, 09:54 PM

Breaking News: 7 ute loads of Aboriginal Volunteers from the N.T. have just arrived in Ipswich to assist with the looting!

Hillsy

20-01-2011, 12:16 PM

The missus was watching a cooking program the other day.

I said, "What you watching that for? You can't cook."

She said, "You watch porn."

Bitch.

Benz

20-01-2011, 04:33 PM

quote:Originally posted by Shadowzone

Breaking News: 7 ute loads of Aboriginal Volunteers from the N.T. have just arrived in Ipswich to assist with the looting!

I don't think there would be enough long grass left standing in Ipswich to accomodate 150:D

wackyrider

30-01-2011, 09:52 PM

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,
'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

wackyrider

30-01-2011, 09:56 PM

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each
other outside the operating room---the first surgeries of the day.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a
little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done
when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give
you lots of Jell-O and Ice Cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

"Whoa!" the second kid replies. "Good luck buddy. I had that done when
I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."

wackyrider

30-01-2011, 09:58 PM

A rare occurrence

There was a knock on the door this morning,

I opened it and there was a young bloke standing there who said:

"I'm a Jehovah's Witness".

I said "Come in and sit down, what do you want to talk about"?

He said, " F****d if I know I've never got this far before"

Large

18-02-2011, 03:27 PM

A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the channel said. "A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do".
--
I walked past an Aboriginal sitting on the ground this arvo and he asked, "Any change mate?" I said no, you're still black.
--

Tony Nitrous

24-02-2011, 04:54 AM

A woman goes to Doctor with a bit of lettuce hanging from her crotch,
Doc says "that looks nasty,"
"Nasty she says, that's just the tip of the iceberg."

Nudie

24-02-2011, 10:52 AM

I was walking down the street today and saw a nigger carrying a plasma TV, I thought it looked familiar until I remembered mine was at home shining my shoes.

K6Thou

24-02-2011, 06:13 PM

I recently got a job in a music store when an abo walked in and asked if we had anything by the doors I said "a camera and two security guards now fuck off"

Why is it when you see a blonde girl eating a banana you think of porn but when you see a black girl eating a banana you think of the discovery channel ????

Iceman

04-03-2011, 01:26 PM

A wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the
car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but
don't wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,

'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?