Jokes

[Tony Nitrous]

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock.
The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Julia Gillard's clock?" asked the man.
" Julia's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

[nick76]

After being married for thirty years, a wife
asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her for a while ... then said,
"You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks ... "What does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful,
Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.

She smiled happily and said ... "Oh, that's so
lovely ... What about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"


The swelling in his eye is going down and the
doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.

[Tony Nitrous]

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop right on his twitchy little nose.

'Oh please excuse me,' said the bunny. 'I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see.'

'That's perfectly all right,' replied the snake. 'To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?'

'Well, I really don't know,' said the bunny.. 'I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.'

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, 'Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!'

The bunny said, 'I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?'

The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, 'Well, what kind of an animal am I?'

The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, 'You're cold, you're slippery, you've got a small pointed head and you have no balls...You must be a LABOR POLITICIAN'

[K6Thou]

Whats the worst thing about being a jewish nigger ???





You have to sit in the back of the oven.

[El_Hefty]

I've just heard on the radio that the leader of the Monkees has died,

R.I.P. Nelson Mandela.



My doctor was checking my balls for any lumps the other day.

It got awkward when I ran my fingers through his hair.




My wife's leaving me because I'm so arrogant.

I told her to close the door on her way back in.

[MONO]

A man in rural Wisconsin wakes up one morning to find a bear on his
roof. So he looks in the yellow pages, and sure enough, there's an ad
for
"Up North Bear Removers." He calls the number, and the bear remover
says, He'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets
out of
His van . He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a 12-gauge shotgun, and a
mean old pit bulldog.
"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to
go
up there, and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat .
When the
Bear falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his
testicles, and
not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in
The cage in the back of the van.
He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" he asks.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

[StuNVA]

Adrunken man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a
half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked,"Say Father,
what causes arthritis?"

The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with
cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man,
sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned." Then returnedto
his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and
apologised. "I am very sorry. I did not mean to come on so strong. How
long have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "I do not have it, Father. I was just reading here
that the Pope does."

[Tony Nitrous]

A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at the local wood mill.
The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he expected
to do this job since he was blind. The blind man replied he would do it by smell.
The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him.
The manager asks, "What is it without touching it?" The blind man replies,
"Thats a good piece of fir." "Correct, says the manager, now try this one."
"Thats a bad piece of willow," says the blind man. "Correct," answers the manager.

With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man.
He get his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind mans face.
"I'm confused, says the blind man, Can you turn it around?"
The secretary turns around and puts her ass in his face.
The blind man says, "Oh, youre trying to fool me! But I know exactly what kind of wood that is.
Its the shit house door off a tuna boat!"

[oldskool]

Australian Police Test


Police Test

A man is seeking to join the Police force

The sergeant doing the interview says, "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."

Then, sliding a pistol across the desk, he says, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six Muslim extremists and a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit?"

"Great attitude," says the sergeant. "When can you start?"

[Redmohawk]

Australian Police Test


Police Test

A man is seeking to join the Police force

The sergeant doing the interview says, "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."

Then, sliding a pistol across the desk, he says, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six Muslim extremists and a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit?"

"Great attitude," says the sergeant. "When can you start?"

hahaha

[Tony Nitrous]

The harbour police are on patrol in Sydney.
Suddenly they see a small boat with two Muslims in it.

They ask the two guys, "what are you doing?"

The Muslims answer: "We're going to invade Australia!"

Police: "Hah, just the two of you?"

Muslims: "No, we're the last ones. All the others are already there."

[Jed]

Hassan & Habib Hassan and Habib are beggars. They beg in different areas of Sydney. Habib begs just as long as Hassan but only collects $2 to $3 every day. Hassan brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend. Habib says to Hassan, 'I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 notes every day?' Hassan says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say?' Habib's sign reads; 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'. Hassan says, 'No wonder you only get $2- $3 !' Habib says... 'So what does your sign say ?' Hassan shows Habib his sign.... It reads: 'I only need another $10 to move back to Pakistan.'

[Jed]

God and the Motorcycle

The inventor of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles
have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who re-defined motorcycles, eh?!"
Arthur said, "Yeah, that was me..."
God commented, "Well, what's the big deal of inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a road?"
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me but aren't you the inventor of woman???"
God said, "Ah, yes."
"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:"
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.
5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous!!"
"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."
God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,"
God said to Arthur, "but ...... according to these figures, more men are riding my invention than yours!"

[StuNVA]

I was sitting watching Match of the Day when the Mrs came into the lounge and says, "Fancy a shag, Babe?"
I said, "After the football love."
She said, "You do realise that you can record it?"
I said, "Nice, you get the camcorder, I'll come upstairs when the footy finishes".

My girlfriend has just asked me how many women I've shagged.
I said, 'I really dont want to answer that love, you know I've had a past & I don't want to upset you!'
'C'mon', she said, 'I can handle it!'
So I had to sit there and count them all.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, YOU, 10, 11, 12.....

My wife asked me to go to the Doctors about my Erection problem .... she wasn't pleased when I came back and gave her some Slimming Pills.

A man donates blood to his wife after she is badly hurt in a car crash. A few years later they go through a bitter divorce and he demands his blood back!.
So she throws a tampon in his face and says, "There you go you miserable git, I'll pay you back monthly!" And the moral of this story is :- Even if a woman eventually pays back what she owes a man, there will ALWAYS be a string attached!.

I was at a wedding reception when the DJ announced 'All the married men out there go and stand by the person who makes your life worth living'. The barman was crushed to death.

My missus asked me to help her stop sucking her thumb, so I drew a c*ck on it.

I reported a dead woman lying in a field to the police. They asked me: 'How did you find her body?' I said, 'Her tits were ok, but the rigor mortis had tightened her fanny a bit too much for my liking.'

My wife was in the bathroom for hours getting ready to go out when finally the door swung open and she said, "Honestly, do I look fat in this ?".
I replied, "Yes love, but to be fair, it's only a small bathroom".

[Tony Nitrous]

One should be thinking about this seriously. The Centre for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of this old disease.

The disease is called "Gonorrhea Lectim". It's pronounced “Gonna re-elect em" and it is a terrible and deadly ailment.

The disease is contracted through dangerous and high risk behaviour involving putting your cranium up your rectum. Many victims contracted it in 2007. But now most people, after having been infected for the past few years, are starting to realize how destructive this sickness is.

It's sad because Gonorrhea Lectim is easily cured with a new drug just coming on the market called Votemout. Most people in Queensland took the first dose a couple of months ago but the second dose is due late next year.

The real cure requires that you simply do not engage in such behaviour again; otherwise, it could become permanent and eventually wipe out all life as we know it.

[StuNVA]

If you don't laugh at this one, you're dead!

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. 'STOP!,' he shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a license for that thing?'
Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper
and held it up to him.
'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?'
Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him.
Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'

As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her,
Butt- Naked, and holding his 'You-Know- What' in his hand.
'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel,
'Not that Damn Breathalyser Test again.!!!'

[StuNVA]

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in
a fatal car accident.

The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting
for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting they began to
wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in
Heaven. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone
has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer... For a couple of months.

While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were
allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with
the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work?

Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"

Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat
bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in
Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things
don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a
priest up here! Do you have ANY idea of how long it'll take to find a
lawyer?"

[StuNVA]

An Irishman was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the dark shadows.

'Twenty pounds' she whispers.

Paddy had never been with a hooker before, but decides, what the hell, it'sonly twenty pounds. So they hid in the bushes.

They're going 'at it' for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes onthem. It is a Police Officer.

'What's going on here, people?' asks the cop

'I'm making love to me wife!,' Paddy answers sounding annoyed-

'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know'

'Well, neidder did I, til ya shined that bloddy light in her face!!'

[StuNVA]

An 8-year-old altar boy catches the priest masturbating.

He said, "What are you doing father?"

"It's called masturbating, my son” the priest replied, "You'll be doing this soon."

"Why's that father ?" he asked.

"Because my wrist is killing me” the priest replied.

[EVLZX]