Jokes

LOL Im @ work too! :D

A young blonde woman in Sydney was so depressed that she decided to end
her life by throwing herself from the Harbour Bridge .
She went down to the bridge and was about to leap into the frigid water
when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the
Bridge
crying.
He took pity on her and said "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm
off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on
my
ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."
Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll
keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded yes. "After all, what do I have to lose?"
Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.
From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece
of
fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by
the
captain ."What are you doing here?" the captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors, who's stowed me away"
she explained "I get food and free passage to Europe , and he's
screwing
me."



''He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Manly Ferry.. "

Teacher was asking the Grade 3 kids about their pets. Little Johnny put his hand up and said that his family was about to acquire a hedgehog.

Teacher thought that was a little strange, since you don't have hedgehogs in Australia. "Are you sure, Little Johnny?", Teacher asked. Little Johnny replied, "Sure as, Miss. Last night I heard my Mum tell my Dad that if he did the dishes, she'd give him a hedgehog".

bullshit bear married men don't get hedgehogs only teenage boys who hang around skateboard parks

A Somalian arrives in Sydney as a new immigrant to Australia.

He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says........
'Thank you Mr. Australian for letting me in this country, giving me housing, money for food, free medical care, free education and no taxes!'
The passerby says, 'You are mistaken, I am a Lebanese!'
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. 'Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Australia'
The person says, 'I not an Ozzie, I from Yugoslavian!'
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you to the wonderful Australians!'
That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Italy , I am not from Australia!'
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you an Australian'
She says , 'No, I am from Africa!'
Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the Australians?'

The African lady checks her watch and says ...'Probably at work'

At the end of a tiny, deserted bar is a huge Aboriginal bloke 2 metres
tall and 150 kilos. He's having a few beers when a short, well-dressed and obviously gay man walks in and sits beside him.
After three or four beers the gay fella finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Aboriginal. Leaning over towards the Aboriginal he whispers, 'Do you want a blow-job?'
At this the massive Aboriginal leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face, knocking him swiftly off the stool. He proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar before leaving him bruised and battered in the car park, and returned to his seat at the bar.
Amazed, the barman quickly brings over another beer. 'I've never seen you react like that', he says,' Just what did he say to you?'
'I'm not sure', the big Aboriginal replies, 'something about a
job....?

i heard they're making micheal jacksons body into playground equipment so kids get to play with him for a change.

i heard they're turning micheal jackson into rice bubbles, so he can be in a ten year olds arsehole one more time

whats the difference between a white plastic shopping bag and micheal jackson? one is white, made of plastic and is a danger to children, the other is a white plastic shopping bag

Woman in labour, shouting and screaming as usual, 'get this out of me, give me drugs'.

She turns to the boyfriend and says 'You did this to me you f**ker'.

He replied casually, 'If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse but you said, 'f**k off it'll be too painful', Now who's laughing'


.................................................. ...................


Was depressed last night, rang lifeline. Got a call centre in Afghanistan , told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.


.................................................. ...................


I am going to watch my wedding video in reverse later.

I love the part where she takes her ring off and walks down the isle backwards, gets in the car and f**ks off.

haha, love the last one!!!

On a bitterly cold winters morning a husband and wife in Dublin were listening to the radio during breakfast.
They heard the announcer Say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snowplows can get through.
"So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through.
"The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says,
"We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today.
You must park...." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, " I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"
Then with the love and understanding in his voice, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave the car in the garage today."

NEW WORLD SURVEY
Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:-

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure because of the following:

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
In the US they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
And in Australia they hung up because they couldn't understand an Indian accent.

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
David Bissonette

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Sacha Guitry

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Anonymous

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, 'What does a woman want?
Dumas

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Sigmund Freud

'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'
Anonymous

'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.'
Sam Kinison

'I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'
James Holt McGavra

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Patrick Murra

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once....
Nash

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Anonymous

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Henny Youngman

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Rodney Dangerfield

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'
Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
Anonymous

What's pink and has seven dents in it?

Snow White's Hymen.....

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night,
when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the
bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.

2. An old friend who once saved your life.

3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there
could only be one passenger in your car? Think before you continue
reading.

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part
of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is
going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take
the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be
the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able
to find your perfect mate again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble
coming up with his answer. He simply answered: 'I would give the car
keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I
would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.'

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn
thought limitations.

Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box.'

HOWEVER...., The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put
her out of her misery, have s *x with the perfect partner on the hood
of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.

I just love happy endings!

Did You Know?

That the words race car spelled backward says race car.

That eat is the only word that if you take the 1st letter and move it to the
last, it spells it's past tense, ate.

And,

Have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "illegal immigrants,"
and add just a few more letters, it spells out:

"Fuck off and go home you free-loading, benefit grabbing, kid producing,
violent, non-English speaking cocksuckers and take those hairy faced, sandal
wearing, bomb making, goat fucking, smelly rag head bastards with you."

How weird is that?

lol

Saudi couple, Ahmed and Layla, preparing for their wedding, meet with their Mullah for counseling.
The Mullah asks if they have any last questions before they leave.
Ahmed asks, 'We realize it's tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance together.'
'Absolutely not,' says the Mullah. 'It's immoral. Men and women always dance Separately.'
'So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?'
'No,' answered the Mullah, 'It's forbidden in Islam.'
'Well, okay,' says Ahmed, 'What about sex? Can we finally have sex?'
'Of course!' replies the Mullah, 'Allah Akbar! (GOD is great) Sex is OK within marriage, to have children!'
'What about different positions?' asks the man.
'Allah Akbar! Mafi Mushkila (no problem),' says the Mullah.
'Woman on top?' Ahmed asks.
'Sure,' says the Mullah. 'Allah Akbar. Go for it!'
'Doggy style?'
'Sure! Allah Akbar!'
'On the kitchen table?'
'Yes, yes! Allah Akbar!'
'Can I do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a bucket of honey and a porn video?'
'You may indeed.. Allah Akbar!'
'Can we do it standing up?'
'No, absolutely not!' says the Mullah.'
'Why not?' asks the man.
'Because that could lead to dancing!

"To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer."
Paul Ehrlich.

"Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up."
James Magary.

"To err is human--and to blame it on a computer is even more so."
Robert Orben.

"Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife."
Groucho Marx (...more Groucho Marx Quotes).

"Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others."
Groucho Marx (...more Groucho Marx Quotes).

"A positive attitude will not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort."
Herm Albright.

"Don't you wish there were a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence? There's one marked 'Brightness,' but it doesn't work."
Gallagher

"Television: A medium. So called because it's neither rare nor well done."
Ernie Kovacs.

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,
and all the patients were shouting, '13....13....13.'

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.....

Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick!

Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...

The Meaty Bites Diet

I've got 2 dogs. I bought a large bag of Meaty Bites at Big W and was standing in line at the check-out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Meaty Bites Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 25 kgs before I woke in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned by the food. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the middle of the road licking my dick and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid bitch...why else would I buy dog food??

How do you tell a well hung nigger?

By the way the rope bites into his neck...



A girl asks her doctor "Doctor, how many calories are there in semen?"
To which the Doctor replies "Honey if you swallow nobody cares if you're fat!"