Jokes

Paddy was walking along the street in Dublin when he rounds a corner and
there's a high rise building on fire.

Paddy being the kind-hearted Irishman, runs up to the building to see if he
can help and notices people trapped 5 stories up.

Paddy yells to the people 'I'm Patrick Sean Michael Fitzpatrick', the Irish
Rugby Union fullback, if you jump I'll catch you.

One lady, in desperation, jumps and sure enough Paddy catches her.

Then a man sees that Paddy catches the women and jumps. Sure enough Paddy
catches him safely.

Then a black man jumps out and falls to the ground, Paddy didn't even
attempt to catch him. Paddy looked up and yelled.

"Don't throw out the fooken' burnt ones!"

Bahahaha

An American man from Houston, a Canadian man from Vancouver, and a British man from London were all sitting in a train car with a very hot woman from France/Poland/Glorious Nippon/Finland. Suddenly, the car went through a pitch black tunnel, a loud SLAP was heard, and when the car emerged the American was painfully holding his hand to his cheek.

Immediately, the British man, picking up his newspaper with a smirk, thought "Why, I'll bet that dumb yankee touched that woman's breast, and she slapped him! Typical American, indeed."

The American, pulling out his iPod with a frown, thought "Goddamn, I'll bet that Brit touched that chicks boobs to make her think it was me, and then she slapped me! Typical fuckin Brit!"

The Canadian, looking out the window with a blank expression, thought "Man, I hope there's another tunnel coming up so I can smack that fuckin American again."

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to
live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.

She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and
brighten her teeth!

Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might
as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.

While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an
ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you
said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

God replied: "I didn't fucking recognize you."

A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her stammerers Action group. She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success.

Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said "If any of you can tell me the name of the town where you were born, without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water. So, who wants to go first ?"

The Englishman piped up.
"B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham", he said.

"That's no use, Trevor" said the speech therapist, "Who's next ?"

The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out "P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley".

That's no better.
There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish.

How about you, Paddy ?

The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out

" London ".

Brilliant, Paddy! said the speech therapist and immediately set
about living up to her promise.

After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for
breath and Paddy said

"-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry".

Now that PM Kevin Rudd has apologised to the Aboriginals, The Aboriginal union is meeting tomorrow to discuss ending their 220yr strike and returning to work...

A woman is in her doctor's office when she suddenly shouts out: "Doctor, kiss me!" The doctor says it would be against his code of ethics. Ten minutes later, the woman again shouts out: "Doctor, kiss me, just once!" The doctor refuses apologetically, saying as a doctor he can't kiss her. Another five minutes later, she asks again" Doctor, Doctor, kiss me just once!" "Look", says the doctor, "I am sorry, I just can't kiss you. In fact, I probably shouldn't even be fucking you."

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.

Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?" The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.

One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a Nicorette patch on it.

He looks at the other priest and says, "I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not

your penis".

The other one replies, "It's working just fine. I'm down

to two butts a day".

bwahahahahahahahahaha

I'v noticed ANYTHING BIKES (Businesses etc) with the word PRO in it are a bunch of fuckin shifty fuck bags..

Kristina Keneally, Frank Sartor and David Campbell were walking over a bridge.

Kristina trips and gets her head jammed between the railings.

Without a sideways glance, Frank pulls aside her G-String, and bonks her senseless!

He stands back and tells David "your turn".

Campbell bursts into tears.

"What's up?" asks Frank.

Campbell sobs, "My head won't fit through the railings!"

Kevin Rudd is in Israel on another overseas junket when he has a heart attack and dies. The Israeli President calls Australia to ask what they should do with the body. "We have 2 options" he explains; "We can hold a full State Funeral and bury him here for $5,000, or we can send him back to Australia, but this will cost $200 billion dollars".

"Well, we will have to raise taxes, cancel all unemployment benefits, halt infrastructure spending, and probably send the country into recession, but we still better have him sent home", the Aussie Ambassador says.

"Are you sure?" asks the Israeli President. "We are more than happy to bury him here and save your country from a recession. We could even waive the $5,000 fee".

"Positive" says the Aussie. "We read a book about a bloke you guys buried once who rose from the dead after 3 days. We just can't take that chance"...

A preacher said,
"Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed
over, please come forward to the front by the
altar."

With that, an
Aboriginal man got in line, and when
it was his turn, the Preacher asked,
"Mulrunji, what do you want me to pray about for
you?"

Mulrunji
replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help
with my
hearing."

The preacher put
one finger of one hand in Mulrunji’s
ear, placed his other hand on top of
Mulrunji’s head, and then prayed and prayed
and prayed.


He prayed a "blue
streak" for Mulrunji, and the whole congregation joined
in with great
enthusiasm.

After
a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood
back and asked, " Mulrunji,
how is your hearing
now?"

Mulrunji
answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til next
week."

It's a slow day in a dusty little Australian town. The sun is beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.
On this particular day a rich tourist from down south is driving through town, stops at the local motel and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.
The Owner gives him keys to a few rooms and as soon as the man walks upstairs, the owner grabs the $100 bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.
The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.
The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.
The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his drinks bill at the local pub.
The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on credit.
The hooker rushes to the motel and pays off her room bill to the motel owner with the $100 .
The motel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the rich traveler will not suspect anything.
At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, picks up the $100 bill, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.
No one produced anything. No one earned anything.
However, the whole town is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the Australian Government is conducting business today..

A professor at the Auburn University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks,
'How many people here believe in ghosts?'

About 90 students raise their hands.

Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'

About 40 students raise their hands.

That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'

About 15 students raise their hand.

Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'

Three students raise their hands.

That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'

Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'

The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'

Ahmed replied,
"Shit, from way back there I thought you said Goats."

It was the perfect day for drinking & fishing, but after a while I ran out of bait. Then a few feet up the shore I saw a snake with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bait. Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket. Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. After thinking about it for awhile, I had an idea: I grabbed my bottle of whiskey and poured a little in its mouth.

Sure enough, his eyes rolled back, he went limp, and I released him without incident. I carried on my fishing with the frog. Caught a big fish, too! A couple hours later I felt something brush my leg. I looked down and there was that same snake looking up at me. He had two frogs in his mouth.

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his
drive into the woods. Looking for his ball,
he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back,
a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball
beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from
the cart and poured it over the little guy,
reviving him.

'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.

'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.

'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square.
Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'

'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer
answers in relief. 'I don't want anything,
I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.'

And the golfer walks off.

'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself.

I have to do something for him. I'll give him
the three things I would want... a great golf game,
all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'

A year goes by and the golfer is back.
On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into
the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,
' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye,
how's yer golf game?'

'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers.
I'm an internationally famous golfer now.'
He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're
all right.'
'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer
golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money
situation?'

'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states.
'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket
and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!'

'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment,
and says shyly, 'It's OK.'

C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun,
'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job.
How many times a week?'

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers,
'Once, sometimes twice a week.'

'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock.
'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'

'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for
a Catholic priest in a small parish.'

Belated, but I've been away:

Adriana from Wheel of Fortune dies today from intestinal problems. Apparently her last words wer "Could I buy a bowel"...

Actually, I've decided to turm over a new leaf. I'm not going to make any more jokes about Adriana Xenides, because that would be _N_PR_PR__T_.

MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital .....

Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.

John Howard, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.
While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The
devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is
finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so
Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she
is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so
she writes him a check.

Finally John Howard gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is
finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Howard
got to call Australia so cheaply.

The devil smiles and replies: "Since Rudd took over, the country has
gone to hell, so it's a local call.

I wish I´d looked after me tits


By Pam Ayres


Oh, I wish I'd looked after me dear old knockers,
Not flashed them to boys behind the school lockers,
Or let them get fondled by randy old dockers,
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits.


'Cos now I'm much older and gravity's winning.
It's Nature's revenge for all that sinning,
And those dirty memories are rapidly dimming,
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits


'Cos tits can be such troublesome things
When they no longer bounce, but dangle and swing.
And although they go well with my Bingo wings,
I wish I'd looked after me tits.


When they're both long enough to tie up in a bow,
When it's not the sweet chariot that swings low,
When they're less of a friend and more of a foe,
Then I wish I'd looked after me tits.


When I was young I got whistles and hoots,
From the men on the site to the men in the suits,
Now me nipples get stuck in the zips on me boots,
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits


When I was younger I rode bikes and scooters,
Cruising around with my favourite suitors.
Now the wheels get entangled with my dangling hooters,
I wish I'd looked after me tits..


When they follow behind and get trapped in the door,
When they're less in the air and more near the floor,
When people see less of them rather than more,
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits

Why She Changed Hotels

Last week, I checked into the Four Seasons in Palm Beach and was a bit
lonely. I thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in
phone books for escorts and sensual massages."

I looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling
himself Tender Tony -a very handsome man with assorted physical skills
flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right
places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack
abs and I felt quite certain I could bounce a sixpence off his well
oiled bum.... you get the picture. I figured, what the heck, I'll give
him a call.

"Hello, ma'am, how may I help you?" . . .

Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy! Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I rushed right in,
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage, I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you.
I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now.
Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks.
We'll go hot and heavy all night -tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything baby.
Now how does that sound?"

He says, "Oh my God... that sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."

A Scottish couple decided to go to Spain to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at
the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.



Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their
travel schedules. So, the husband left Glasgow and flew to Barcelona on Thursday, with his wife
flying down the following day.. The husband checked into the hotel. There
was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.
However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and
without realizing his error, sent the email.



Meanwhile, somewhere in Blackpool, a widow
had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who
died following a heart attack.



The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and
friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.



The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and
saw the computer screen which read:



To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've Arrived

Date: October 16, 2008



I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and
you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.



I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that

Everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.



Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as
mine was.



P.S. Bloody hot down here

a man got to the bathroom in a truck stop
as he walks in he see`s the condom vendors machine
he looks it over and see`s theres every flavor condom
and he buys one of each..

he goes home and tells the wife about the flavored condoms and she
laughs and smiles at the hubby.
the hubby says, i thought we could play a game tonight and she agrees.
night time comes and the two are in bed and the hubby says to the wife,
ok now you go under the sheets and i will put one on and u have to tell me what flavor it is ok, she says ok and goes under the sheets.

she starts sucking his cock and comes up from under the sheets and screems CHEESE & ONION

hubby says, shees women you have to wait till i get the dam thing on first!!

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next:

"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.

The teacher held her breath ...

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog shit!"

Then I would say,"It is dog shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

"I used the governmental approach of giving you something shitty for free, and then making you pay to get the shitty taste out of your mouth."

tony the fisherman
tony went out 40 nautical miles of newcastle to go fishing for the best marlin and was hit suddenly by a rouge wave!
when he looked around he noticed he was taking to much water on and the bildge pump couldnt pump it out quick enough
so he reached for the UHF radio and called for help" mayday mayday this is tony the fisherman im a sinkin ,i need help"
5 min later he grabs the mic again "mayday mayday this is tony the fisherman im a sinking tha water is up to my ankles i need a help" still nothin.
5 mins later again help calls for help "mayday mayday this is tony the fisherman im a sinkin the water is up to my knees ,i need a help help!" still nothin
then he grabs the mic again "mayday mayday this is a tony i need a ya help tha water is up to my chest i need a help" nothin.
then in one final atempt "this is a tony i need help the water is up to my neck and a my boats a sinking i needa help please "
then over the speaker the words he is awiting for "tony the fisherman ,this williamtown RAAF base search and rescue! please standby for rescue we are currnently sending our fockerfriendship t..." tony then quickly butts in and replys "i dont needa ya fucking friendship ! i needa ya fucking help!!!!!

tony the truckie
anyway tony the fisherman doesnt want to buy a new boat with his insurance money so he buys a KENWORTH T908 "b"double truck,
and starts hauling for barter chickens
on one of his many run's he starts to get board and lonly so he buys a "cockatoo" and mounts the perch on his dashboard and for the next 12 months enjoys his new pal.
the long haul starts to take affect on him sexually now !
then one day while at MACKSVILLE for a quick refuel and grub he spots a girl hitch hicking and he pulls over and picks her up then he is overwelmed buy her sexy body and lets it slip "do you fuck!!"
the girl relplies"oh no you are to old"
tony then says "well fuck of then!! and pulls over and kicks her to the kerb! all the while the cocky is watching !
a couple o kys up the road there is another chick and he pulls over and picks her up just as he picks up top gear ( no not the uk show) he says to her "do you fuck" she says oh no you re to fat and hairy!!"
so he pulls over and says "well fuck off then! so he pulls over and kicks her to kerb !
now this happens at 3 times more ont the way from KEMPSY to BRISVEGAS ,
then he see's a NUN stranded by the side of the road!
so being ITALIAN and a christian, he feels obliged to offer his help so he pulls over and offers a lift in which the NUN thanks god and accepts
just as he picks up top gear headed for BRISSY ,all is quite in the cab except for the sweet sound and humm from the cummins isx signiture series engine!
the nun now is felling good that help has been given and asks tony if she can please go in the back and change into her long nightie and retire for the rest of the trip! in which tony replies " yes !! the sleeper is all for you ,please just be carefull of my pet cockatoo and place him back on his pearch on the dash please " "certanly "replies the NUN, he notices the
nun has relaxed and has removerd her habit in the sleeper and starts to remove the rest of her clothes,then he sneeks a peek and see's her in sexy black long sheer stockings complete with a black garter belt and satin black high cut knicker's,with a red rose stitched into the garterbelt and a little red devil tattoed under her belly button and she also has a black t shirt with some strange words on the front big blue letters "ASF"" let the maddness begin!! cut so it just sits below her perky ripe pink puffy nipple's!! he is taken a gasp and befor he can relise what he says !he ask's "DO YOU FUCK "in which the horney as fuck nun replies "do i ever".
in an instant he pulls over and climbes in to sleeper and starts his foreplay(yes ladies we men know what it is)but he just cant get into it as if someone is watching ??
then he remembers the cockatoo so he removes the perch and put it on the top of the cab a couple of hours later they finish and get on with the trip ,then tony notices the RTA car behind him flashing his lights and amber beacon rotating !he thinks to himself im upto date with my rego,the truck is new ,so no probs with roadworthyness,so he pulls over and then this big busly bloke comes up to his truck and steps up to his window, and says"mate what the fuck do you think you are doing ?? dont you know all loads must be straped and covered??you have chickens flying of everywhere!!"
then tony looks confused then remembers the cockatoo!! he jumps out and climbs to the top and there is his cocky on the trailers pulling out the chikens and saying "do you fuck? well fuck off then!!

A couple was going out for the evening.

They'd gotten ready, all dolled up, but just needed to put the dog out when the taxi arrives.

However as the couple walked out of the house, the dog shoots back in the house.

They don't want the dog shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty, explains to the taxi driver: 'He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother.'

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.

'Sorry I took so long' he says. 'Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her arse downstairs and tossed her in the back yard!

She better not shit in the vegetable garden again!'

The silence in the cab was deafening

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help.

The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he will stop snoring.

'Yeah right!' she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles..

Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed...

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk after drinking with his mates. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and immediately begins snoring loudly.



The woman decides maybe the ribbon might work on him. So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles.
Amazingly, it also works on him!

The woman sleeps soundly. The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates.

He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers,

'I don't know where we were ... or what we did

But, by God we took FIRST and SECOND place

Advice for all new Muslim immigrants :
If you are trapped in a burning house
or have been seriously injured and are
bleeding to death,
the new emergency number is:-




















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Thank You For Your Patience.

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.

After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, the re was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, the re was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The MP was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, the re were a dozen MPs lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.


BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Timmy, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.

Timmy clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,
'An, ID ten T error ? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Timmy grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?''

No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like the little shit.

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!

'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'

The Irishman nodded...'I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.'

'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.



'No, from the f * * kin' skippin'

A little guy is sitting at the bar staring at his drink when a large, threateningly leering biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, watcha' gonna do about it?" he says menacingly, as the little guy bursts into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, " I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy.
"I`m a complete failure. I was late to a meeting, and my Boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car stolen and I don't have any insurance,
I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me.
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all.
"I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in, and sit here watching the poison dissolve. Then a wise-ass like you shows up and drinks the whole thing!"

In the UK, for a rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter was
searching out the main cause of Mad Cow disease and arranged for an
interview with a farmer who may have had some theories on the matter ...
This is how the interview went,

Lady reporter: "I'm here to collect information on the possible sources of
Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?"
The farmer stared at the reporter for a while and said: "Do you know that
a bull mounts a cow only once a year?"

The reporter was obviously embarrassed and said, "Well, sir, that's a new
piece of information.. but what's the relation between this phenomenon and
Mad Cow disease?"
The farmer continued: "And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a
day?"

Reporter: "Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about
getting to the point?"

And the farmer replied: "I am getting to the point madam. Just imagine, if
I was playing with your tits twice a day ... and only screwing you once a
year, wouldn't you get mad?"

what do you call a leb drowning in the ocean?








fuckim!

what do you call a pissed muslim?


hamad

what do you call a group of pissed muslims?


mo-hammad






what do you call a muslim in a lane way


alli







what do you call pissed muslims standing in a lane



mo-hammad alli !!

http://www.asfphotos.com/upload/1279675549.gif

"Ya’ know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on,
I couldn't bend it with both hands.
By the time I was 50, I could bend it
about 10 degrees if I tried really hard.
By the time I was 60, I could bend it
about 20 degrees, no problem.
I'm gonna’ be 80 next week, and now I can
almost bend it in half with just one hand."

"So, what's your point?"


"Well, I'm just wondering
how much stronger I'm gonna’ get!"