Jokes

An Aussie trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops at a brothel outside Kalgoorlie.
He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says,
I want your ugliest woman and a burnt chop.!!
The Madam is astonished.
'But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a lovely three-course meal.

The trucker replies, 'Listen sweetheart, I ain't horny . . . . ... I'm homesick.

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The man says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball.'
Man: 'That's nice'
Boy: 'Want to buy it?'
Man: 'No, thanks.'
Boy: 'My Dad's outside.'
Man: 'OK, how much?'
Boy: '$250'
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy: 'Dark in here.'
Man: 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball glove.'
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, How much?'
Boy: '$750'
Man: 'Sold.'
A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, 'Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch.'
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.'
The Dad asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'
Boy: '$1,000'
The Dad says, 'That's terrible to over charge your friends like that....that is way more than those things cost. I'm taking you to church for confession.'
They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door.
The boy says, 'Dark in here.' The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again; you're in my closet now....'

A man goes to see the Rabbi. 'Rabbi, something terrible is happening
and I have to talk to you about it.'
The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?'
The man replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.'
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?'
The man then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me,
what should I do?'
The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to
her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.'
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, 'Well, I spoke to your wife.
I spoke to her on the phone for three hours.
You want my advice?'
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied,
'Take the poison.

Bloke goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants.
"I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits" he says.
"You dirty bastard!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my husband."
The bloke apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe.

The Barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants.
"I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your arse and lick it all off."
She says, "You dirty filthy pervert! You're banned. Get out!!"
Again, the bloke apologizes and swears never ever to do it again.

"One more chance," says the barmaid, "Now - what do you want?"
"I want to turn you upside down, tear your knickers off and fill your pussy with Guinness, and then drink every last drop from the hairy cup."

The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the telly.
"What's up love?" he asks.
"There's a bloke in the bar who wants to put his head between my tits and lick the sweat off", she says.
"I'll kill him. Where is he?" storms the Husband.
"Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my arse cheeks and lick it off" she screams.
"Right. He's dead!" says the husband, reaching for a baseball bat.
"Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my fanny with Guinness and then drink it all" she cries!
The husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair, and switches the telly back on.
"Aren't you going to do something about it?" she cries hysterically.
"Look love, I'm not messing with any bloke who can drink 15 pints of Guinness..."

BEER.

"I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mum gets."
--Tim, 7 years old

"Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice. "
--Mellanie, 7 years old

"My Mum and Dad both like beer. My Mom gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny."
--Grady, 7 years old

"My Mum and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing."
--Toby, 7 years old

"My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much.
--Sarah, 7 years old

"My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool."
--Lilly, 7 years old

"I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting."
--Ethan, 7 years old

"I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep."
--Shirley, 7 years old

"My Mum drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense."
--Jack, 7 years old

Paddy & Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster!
Paddy missed the tube & Mick came on the bus!!


A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.
Paddy odered a whiskey.
The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust 'I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!'

Paddy handed his drink back & said 'Me too, I didnt know we had a choice!'


Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks 'How many people are flying with you?'
Paddy replies 'I dont know! Its your f***ing plane!!'


Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy
'I'm gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm raving mad!'

He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down & shouts 'I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!' Murphy watches in amazement!
The Foreman shouts 'Paddy you're mad, go home' So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
'Where the hell are you going?' asks the Foreman.
'I cant work in the friggin dark! ' says Murphy.


Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night.
After 3 hours of amazing sex Paddy says 'I wonder how the girls are getting on'


Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.
She undresses & lies on the bed spreadeagled & says 'You know what I want dont you?'

'Yeah,' says Paddy. 'The whole friggin bed by the looks of it!'


Q. Whats a Catholic priest & a pint of Guiness got in common?
A. black coat, white collar & you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!


Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for
not servicing the electric chair.
He said, in his professional opinion, that it was a death trap!

Works best with sound up LOUD....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B1X3n...layer_embedded

My mother-in-law just sent me this.... great woman.

A man is seeking to join the Queensland Police force - The Sergeant doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."

Then, sliding a pistol across the desk, he says: "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit. "

"Why the rabbit?"


"Great attitude,mate" says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"

this frog walks into a bank and goes up to the tell and asks for a loan. the teller says hes to go see Patrica Whack, the loans officer. So the frog goes up to the loans office and asks for a loan. The loans officer asks him his name. the frog answers Kermit Jagger. She asks him if he has any collateral and the frog pulls out a tiny ceramic elephant and hands it to her. she looks a little perplexed and says she has to see the manager. so she goes off and see him and tells him about the frog and little ceramic ornament and asks the manager what it is? the manager takes it and looks it over, then replies. Its a nick knack patty whack, give the frog a loan. his ol mans a rolling stone.

Q - What would Steve Irwin be doing if he was still alive?

A - Scratching the fuck out of his coffin lid.

A Florida couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about an
African black bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.

When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around
his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower; his
wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?"

The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.

A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?"

"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.

"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"

"No, it's turned black.

A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends.

We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're Leaving From the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up'
' Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas. '

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.

The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good ....

The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?

He said, 'Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to Do?'

The wife replied, 'I did. They're in your fishing box ...'

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelery store one Friday evening with a Beautiful young thing at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.

'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweler said..

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by cheque.

I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,' he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man.. 'There's no money in that account.'

'I know,' said the old man,


'But let me tell you about my weekend...'

A recent survey asked Australians if they believed there was too much immigration into the country.

18% said: YES

82% said: #1605;#1593;#1607;#1583; #1575;#1604;#1571;#1605;#1606; #1575;#1604;#1593;#1575;#1604;#1605;#1610; #1576;#1608;#1575;! #1588;#1606;#1591;

EDIT - fuck it.... didnt work :( was meant to be something in arabic or someshit lol

heres one to make up for the above one not working....



A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.

The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."

The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."

The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.

After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "

The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"

A ten-year-old boy was walking down the street when a big man on a orange motorcycle pulls up behind him and asks, "Hey kid, wanna go for a ride?" "No!", said the boy, and he kept on walking.

The motorcyclist pulls up to him again and says,

"Hey kid, I'll give you 10 bucks if you hop on the back.
"NO!" said the boy and proceeded down the street a little quicker.

The motorcyclist pulls up to the boy again and says, "OK kid, I'll give you 20 bucks and a BIG bag of lollies if you hop on the back for a ride."
At this point the boy turns around to him and screams angrily,

"Look Dad, YOU bought the Honda, so you ride it!"

Things Got Ya Down? Well Then, Consider These ..

In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am;

regardless of their medical condition. ?This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do

with the super natural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 am Sunday,

so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday

morning, a few minutes before 11:00 am all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to

see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer

books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11:00 , Kenneth Roberts,

the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the

vacuum cleaner.


Still Having a Bad Day????

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special

ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and

applause from Greenpeace onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Still think you are having a Bad ?Day????

Betty came home to find Jerry in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of

wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current,

she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been

happily listening to his Walkman.

Are Ya OK Now? - No?

Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn ,

Germany . Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding

madly. The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.

What?!? STILL having a Bad Day????

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb.
It came back with 'Return to Sender' stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

God is Good!

There now, Feeling Better, Are We?

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"

The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."

"How?" asks the man, puzzled.

"Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . . To people who are out standing in their field."

Shouldnt u b organising the AFR dvd Bear? ;)

Can't while I'm at my daytime job. :(