Q)What does a blonde and a Screen door have in common?
A) The more you bang, the Looser it gets.
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Q)What does a blonde and a Screen door have in common?
A) The more you bang, the Looser it gets.
Q)Why is a blonde like a shotgun?
A)Give her a cock, and shes ready to blow.
Q) Whats the Differance between a blonde and a Mesquito?
A)When you slap the Mesquito it stops sucking
Q. What do you do if a Blonde throws a pin at you?
A. Run, she's got a grenade in her mouth!
A blonde goes into a laundry mat and asks to have her sweater cleaned. The laundromat attendant doesn't hear her correctly and says, "come again?" The blonde blushes slightly and giggles, "oh, no it's just mustard this time."
A boy takes his girlfriend home after going out together. When they reach the front door, he leans against the wall with one hand and says,
"Sweetie, can you give me a blowjob?"
"What? Are you crazy!?"
He says "Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem."
"No!! Someone may see -- a relative, a neighbor, anyone..."
"At this time of the night? No one will show up honey..."
She insistantly says "I've already said NO. Someone will see us."
At this point he pleas one last time, "My love... Please don't be like that..."
At that moment, the girlfriend's younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown with her hair totally in disorder. Rubbing her eyes, she says,
"Dad says either you have to blow him, I have to blow him, or he will come down and give the guy a blowjob himself, but for God's sake, tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the damn intercom button!"
A man and his son were talking about sex.
The son asked his father, "dad, what does a pussy look like?"
The dad asked him, "before or after sex?"
"Ummmm, before sex", the kid replied.
The dad said, "have you ever seen a beautiful red rose with soft red petals?"
"Yeah" said the son.
"Well, what about after sex?" said the son.
His dad replied, "have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise"!!!
Q. Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
A. It's not real bright, but its cheap, and spreads easy.
Sky Sports Breaking News:
It has been announced that next years shirt sponsor for Tiger Woods will be Tampax.
A spokesman for Tampax said "To sponsor a cunt going through a bad period is exactly what our company is all about"
A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which country had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.
The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.
The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeckable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers ). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.
The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeckable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.
Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country? After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:
Apparently, Tiger Woods was right, when he said, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.
Paki and a nigger fall off blackpool tower at the same time,
Who hits the ground first?
Although im sure ur tempted to say who gives a fuck,
The actual answer is the nigger,
As the paki is a shade lighter.
A Blacktown girl goes to Centrelink to register for child benefits.
"How many children?" asks the assessor
"Six" replies the Blacktown girl,
"Six?" says the Centrelink worker."What are their names?"
"Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan & Nathan."
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the Blacktown girl, "Its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have shout 'NATHAN, YER DINNER'S READY!' or 'NATHAN GO TO BED NOW!' and they all do it..."
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed Centrelink worker.
"That's easy," says the Blacktown girl... "I just use their surnames"
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A Fairfield girl enters an adult shop & asks for a vibrator.
The man says: "Choose one from our range on the wall."
She says "I'll take the red one."
The man replies: "That's a fire extinguisher."
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Q. Two Redfern girls jump off a cliff. Who wins?
A. Society.
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Q. What do you call a 30 year old Mt Druitt girl?
A. Granny.
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Q. Why did the Redfern girl cross the road?
A. To start a fight with a complete stranger for no reason whatsoever.
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Q. What do you call a Bankstown girl in a white tracksuit?
A. The bride.
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Q. What's the first question during an Wentworthville quiz night?
A. What you looking at?
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Q. What does a Mt Druitt girl use as protection during sex?
A. A bus shelter.
************************************************** *******************
Q. Two Cabramatta kids in a car without any music - who is driving?
A. The policeman.
************************************************** *******************
Q. What's the most confusing day in Blacktown ?
A. Fathers day
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Q. How do people know Jesus wasn't born in Blacktown ?
A. You try finding 3 wise men and a virgin there!
Went to a charity disco last week in aid of women born without legs, dance floor was crawling with fanny.
What's the difference between a women and a condom nothing if she's not on your knob she is in your wallet
They reckon that beer contains female hormones. They might be right, because after 16pints I talk like a cunt and can't fucking drive!
THIS OUGHT TO MAKE ALL GRANDPAS FEEL WARM & FUZZY
A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her Grandpa.
When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa's room .....
"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"
"What?" said her Grandpa.
"Make a noise like a frog - because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disneyland !"
Understanding Engineers - Take one
Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said,
'Where did you get such a great bike?'
The second engineer replied, 'Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want.'
The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, 'Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway.'
Understanding Engineers - Take Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Understanding Engineers - Take Three
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, 'What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes !'
The doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!'
The priest said, 'Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.'
He said, 'Hello, George! What's wrong with that group ahead of us they're rather slow, aren't they?'
The greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving
our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'
The doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm speak to my ophthalmologist colleague to see if we can help.'
The engineer said, 'Why can't they play at night?'
Understanding Engineers - Take Four
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.
Understanding Engineers - Take Five
The graduate with a science degree asks, 'Why does it work?'
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, 'How does it work?'
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, 'How much will it cost?'
The graduate with a performing arts degree asks, 'Do you want fries with that?'
Understanding Engineers - Take Six
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, 'It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.'
Another said, 'No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections.'
The last one said, 'No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer.
Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?'
Understanding Engineers - Take Seven
Normal people believe that if it isn't broken, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it isn't broken, it doesn't have enough features
The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor in a small town in Ireland. One day he was walking down the high street when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The Reverend wasn't happy!
He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.
"Miss Fitzgerald," he said sternly - "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"
"Sure!" she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.
When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Miss Fitgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.
The pub landlord looked over and said, "Oy mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub."
The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, "But you don't understand. - I'm Pastor Fluff."
The landlord said, "Ah well, if you're that far in, ye might as well finish."
How many calories are in eating pussy?
Depends which way she wipes..
Q/ Whats a farmers biggest problem if he plants a field of vibrators???
A/ Squatters.
You are blonde and on a bus, when you suddenly fart.
Luckily the music is very loud.
So every time you fart, you time it with the music.
When you start making your way to the door as you exit the bus
Everybody is throwing dagger looks at you, and you suddenly realize.
Your listening to your ipod
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him,
'My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor.'
'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,' Mike replies.
'There's a diagnostic computer down at Bunnings. Just give it a urine
sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do
about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs $10 . . . A lot cheaper than a Doctor.'
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Bunnings.
He deposits $10, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine
sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
activity. It will improve in two weeks.
Thank you for shopping @ Bunnings.'
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe
began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from
his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Bunnings, eager to check the results.
He deposits $10, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a solicitor.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping @ Bunnings :-)
A Saudi couple, Ahmed and Layla, preparing for their wedding, meet with their Mullah for counselling. The Mullah asks if they have any last questions before they leave.
Ahmed asks, "We realise it's tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance together." "Absolutely not," says the Mullah. "It's immoral. Men and women always dance separately."
"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?" "No," answered the Mullah, "It's forbidden in Islam."
"Well, okay," says Ahmed, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?" "Of course!" replies the Mullah, "Allah Akbar! Sex is OK within marriage, to have children!"
"What about different positions?" asks the man. "Allah Akbar! Mafi Mushkila (no problem)," says the Mullah.
"Woman on top?" Ahmed asks. "Sure," says the Mullah. "Allah Akbar. Go for it!" "Doggy style?" "Sure! Allah Akbar!" "On the kitchen table?" "Yes, yes! Allah Akbar!"
"Can I do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a bucket of honey and a porno video?" "You may indeed. Allah Akbar!"
"Can we do it standing up?" "No, absolutely not!" says the Mullah." "Why not?" asks the man. "Because that could lead to dancing!"
A man goes to the doctors feeling a little ill.
The doctor checks him over and says, 'Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus.
It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live.
There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth.'
So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news.
Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before.
They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins $35.
Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins $320.
Then he gets the full house and wins $1000.
Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too getting $380,000.
The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says,
'Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full house and the national game on the same card.
You must be the luckiest man on Earth!'
'Lucky?' he screamed. 'Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24.'
'F**k me,' says the bingo caller. 'You've won the raffle as well !!
A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left.
A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left.
A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut? The "barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half." The guy left.
The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keep asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."
A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So, where does that guy go when he leaves?" Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said,
"Your house!"
A truckie who has been out on the road for three weeks stops
into a brothel outside Kalgoorlie.
He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says,
I want your ugliest woman and a burnt chop.!!
The Madam is astonished. 'But sir, for that kind of money you
could have one of my finest ladies and a lovely three-course meal.
The truckie replies, 'I'm not horny . . . . ... I'm homesick.
Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.
The older of the mothers pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. And they start reminiscing.
'This is my oldest son Mohammed. He would be 24 years old now.'
'Yes, I remember him as a baby' says the other mother cheerfully.
'He's a martyr now though,' mum confides.
'Oh, so sad dear' says the other.
'And this is my second son Kalid. He would be 21'
'Oh, I remember him,' says the other happily, 'he had such curly hair when he was born'.
'He's a martyr too' says mum quietly.
'Oh, gracious me ...' Says the other.
'And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed.
He would be 18', she whispers.
'Yes' says the friend enthusiastically, 'I remember when he first started school'
He's a martyr also,' says mum, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says...
'They blow up so fast, don't they'
A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused.
A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened that's so horrible?
Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man: Ok, but that's not so bad. So what happened then?
Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.
Man: and then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man: Again? So, what did you do then?
Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.
Man: and then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.
Man: Hmmm... So, what did you do?
Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. Just at that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.....
Some things you just can't explain.
Heaven or Hell
While on his morning walk, Prime Minister Kevin Rudd falls over, has a heart attack and dies because the 'accident and
emergency' dept at his nearest hospital is too understaffed to treat him in time.
So his soul arrives in Heaven and he is met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Welcome to Heaven,' says Saint Peter,
'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a Socialist around these parts, so we're not sure what
to do with you.'
'No problem, just let me in; I'm a good Christian; I'm a believer,' says the PM.
'I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from God. He says that since the implementation of his new
HEAVEN CHOICES policy, you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where
you'll live for eternity.'
'But I've already made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven,' replies Rudd
'I'm sorry .. But we have our rules,' Peter interjects. And, with that, St. Peter escorts him to a lift and he goes
down, down, down ....all the way to Hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course.
The sun is shining in a cloudless sky. The temperature is a perfect 22C degrees. In the distance is a beautiful club-house.
Standing in front of it is Gough Whitlam and thousands of other Socialist luminaries who had helped him out over the
years --- Bob Hawke, Paul Keating, etc. The whole of the Labour Party leaders were there ..
(and all the socialists from other parts of the world..)
Everyone laughing, happy, and casually but expensively dressed.
They run to greet him, to hug him and to reminisce about the good times they had
getting rich at the expense of 'suckers and peasants.'
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. The Devil
himself comes up to Rudd with a frosty drink, 'Have a tequila and relax, Kev!'
'Uh, I can't drink anymore; I took a pledge,' says Rudd, dejectedly.
'This is Hell, son. You can drink and eat all you want and not worry and it just gets
better from there!'
Rudd takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks is a really
very friendly bloke who tells funny jokes like himself and pulls hilarious nasty pranks,
kind of like the ones the Labour Party pulled with their master strokes on Education,
Immigration, Petrol prices, Tough on Crime promises.
They are having such a great time that, before he realises it, it's time to go.
Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Rudd steps on the lift and heads
upward.
When the lift door reopens, he is in Heaven again and Saint Peter is waiting for him.
'Now it's time to visit Heaven,' the old man says, opening the gate.
So for 24 hours Rudd is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured
people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money and
treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or short-arse joke among them.
No fancy country clubs here and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or
lobster. And these people are all poor. He doesn't see anybody he knows and he
isn't even treated like someone special!
'Whoa,' he says uncomfortably to himself. 'Gough Whitlam never prepared me for
this!'
The day done, Saint Peter returns and says, 'Well, you've spent a day in Hell and a
day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for Eternity.'
With the 'Deal or No Deal' theme playing softly in the background, Rudd reflects for
a minute ... Then answers: 'Well, I would never have thought I'd say this -- I mean,
Heaven has been delightful and all -- but I really think I belong in Hell with my
friends.'
So Saint Peter escorts him to the lift and he goes down, down, down, all the way to
Hell.
The doors of the lift open and he is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered
with garbage and toxic industrial wasteland, looking a bit like the eroded, rabbit and
fox affected Australian outback, but worse and more desolate.
He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained together,
picking up the roadside rubbish and putting it into black plastic bags. They are
groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime.
The Devil comes over to Rudd and puts an arm around his shoulder.' I don't
understand,' stammers a shocked Rudd, 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf
course and a club-house and we ate lobster and caviar
and drank tequila. We lazed around and had a great time.. Now there's just a
wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!'
The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly and purrs, 'Yesterday we were campaigning;
today you voted for us!
A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems. "Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor. "Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair."
Irish Virginity Test Kit
Paddy is planning to marry and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin.
His doctor says, "Paddy, all Irish use three things for that.... a small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel."
Paddy asks, "Aye, and what do I do with these things, doctor?"
The doctor replies, "Before ye climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other blue.
If she says, "That's the strangest pair of balls I ever did see...", you hit her with the shovel.'
Virgin after being married 6 times!
A Traffic Cop recently got married to a woman who had already been married 6 times. On their wedding night, the new bride said.
Please be gentle, because I'm still a virgin!
The groom, confused because he knew of her previous 6 marriages, asked her to explain how she could still be intact after 6 marriages.
She replied thusly;
My first husband was a psychiatrist and only wanted to talk about sex.
My 2nd husband was a gynaecologist and only wanted to examine the sexual aparatus.
My third husband was a philatelist and he was only interested in licking.
My fourth husband was a sales manager and said that he knew that he had the best product, but didn't know how to use it.
My fifth husband was a civil servant, he told me that he knew exactly how to do it but he wasn't sure if the job was within his field.
My sixth husband was in computing and he said that if it was all working properly, it was better to leave it alone and not touch it.
So the groom asked her;
"So why, after so many failures, did you decide to get married again?"
To which she replied;
"Because you're a traffic policeman and I can be sure that, one way or another, you'll end up fucking me."
8 months after his death, Michael Jackson's mourning fans released a white dove in his honour.
Well, it was actually a blackbird, but with a rare skin condition...
Josef Fritzl;
Putting the 'semen' back into 'basement'
Inner city Sikhs.
Putting the urban into turban
If Saddam Hussein had married Little Miss Muffett
Would the Kurds have got their way?
As I sat in the living room my 5 year old shouted at me from the back door.
' I can't hear you if you're shouting from outside,' I said.
Again, he shouted back.
'I told you, I can't hear you from there. It's rude to shout. If you want me to hear you, walk into the living room' I replied.
A few moments later my son appeared in the living room.
'Dad, I've got dog shit all over my shoes
My wife complains that she will not share the same bed as "me and my smelly bum."
Well, I don't like him sleeping on the street
Inner city Sikhs.
Putting the urban into turban
Incest.
Putting the relation into relationship
If Saddam Hussein had married Little Miss Muffett
Would the Kurds have got their way?
As I sat in the living room my 5 year old shouted at me from the back door.
' I can't hear you if you're shouting from outside,' I said.
Again, he shouted back.
'I told you, I can't hear you from there. It's rude to shout. If you want me to hear you, walk into the living room' I replied.
A few moments later my son appeared in the living room.
'Dad, I've got dog shit all over my shoes
Something that annoys me about the game 'Rock, Paper, Scissors'. Now, I can understand how rock beats scissors, and how scissors beats paper.. but how the fuck does paper beat rock? What does it do? Wrap itself around the rock and leave it immobile? Why can't it do that to scissors? Infact, screw the game, why can't it do that to people? Why aren't students being suffocated by their book as they take notes during a class? I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anything, a rock would tear paper up in 2 seconds.
When I play rock, paper, scissors I always pick rock, then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper, I use my already clenched fist to punch them in the face, and then say, "Oh, sorry, I thought your paper would protect you, stupid C*NT
When deaf people get drunk, do they slur their hands?
Ramadan.
Putting the slim back into muslim
I remember doing French at school.
If you knew the answer, you raised your hand.
If you didn't know the answer, you raised both hands
I bought some pyjamas off the internet, and when I got them I found they had pockets.
Which is great, because now I no longer have to hold things when I'm asleep.
I was walking to the shops the other day when i came across a shopping list on the floor.
it had writen
2 Eggs
1 Apple
50 Jews.
I thought f*ck, this must be schindler's list.
How do deaf people know if someone is screaming or yawning?
Why are Aussies so good at batting in cricket?
It's the only game they could master wearing handcuffs.
I finally came clean with my girlfriend.
When she came into the room, I said, "I'm seeing another woman."
She said, "Oh, thanks. All I've changed is my hair."
I was watching a DVD the other day and it had that bit at the beginning about piracy saying, "You wouldn't steal a car."
I thought, "I fucking would if I could download it."
Teenagers today drink twice as much as they did ten years ago.
To be fair, though, they were only aged between 3 and 9 ten years ago.
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:"
I always put "Doctor". What the f*ck's my mother going to do?
My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could,
so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.
Two old men with Alzheimers are sitting on a bench in the park when they hear an ice-cream van go past.
"Fancy an ice-cream?" the first man says.
"Go on then, but write it down or you'll forget" his friend replies.
"No I won't!"
"Yes you will! I want an ice-cream with hundreds and thousands, write it down or you'll forget"
"I won't forget, I promise"
"Yes you will!!! I want an ice-cream with hundreds and thousands and strawberry sauce, write it down or you'll forget"
"Have a little faith in me, I won't forget"
"YES YOU WILL!!! I want an ice-cream with hundreds and thousands, strawberry sauce and a flake, write it down or you'll forget"
"Fuck off, I'm not going to forget. I'll be back in a minute"
The old boy wanders off and comes back five minutes later with two burgers. To which his friend says "You stupid C*nt! I knew you'd forget my chips!"
An elderly, white-haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young blonde at his side. He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special." At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only £40,000," he said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque clears so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday morning to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up on Monday afternoon," he said..
On Monday morning, the jeweller 'phoned the old man and said "Sir, there's no money in that account." "I know," said the old man, "but let me tell you about my weekend!"
I wasn't feeling well so I went to the Doctors.
He told me I was a paranoid bastard.
He didn't actually say that, but I could tell he was thinking it.
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Police are seeking a man who has so far stabbed six people to death with knitting needles,
all in the same area. He seems to be following some sort of pattern..
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Sorry! I'll get me coat....
http://img22.imageshack.us/img22/5030/getmecoat.gif
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.
Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.
He said 'How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin - in every way'
The doctor told him, 'I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week.'
He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together; an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon.
That night in the hotel bedroom, she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts. She said, 'You're the first; no one has EVER touched these.'
He immediately drops his pants and replies, .....'Look at this, .....still in the CRATE!'
Phillip Hewitson, an elderly man, from Norwich UK, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"
He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.
Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."
George said, "Okay."
He hung up the phone and counted to 30.
Then he phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.
Within five minutes, Six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Hewitson`s' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to Phillip, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
Phillip said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
(True Story)
A blonde gets home from work early & hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting.
'What's up?' she asks.
'I think I'm having a heart attack,' - cries the husband..
The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialling, her four-year-old son comes up
And says, "Mommy Mommy Aunty Shirley is hiding in the wardrobe & she has no clothes on"
The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom right past her husband..
Rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor.
'You rotten Bitch', she screams.
'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked playing hide and seek with the kids!!'
a midget walks into an elevator with a fat woman. as theyre travelling the midget looks at her and asks "can i smell your pussy?" the woman looks at him in disgust and replies "NO" he looks and says "must be your feet then.......":D
^^^^How the fuck does a midget walk into an elephant???^^^^^
that was a fail and a half! i've changed that now!! lmfao :DQuote:
quote:Originally posted by Mishdog20
^^^^How the fuck does a midget walk into an elephant???^^^^^
A belated joke for St Patrick's Day:
An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. Inside, there's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side."
Teachers
These are actual comments (supposedly) made on student report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system.
1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thingie to hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
Cops
These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country.
16. 'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through..'
15. 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while.'
14. 'If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.'
13. 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.'
12. 'Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.'
11. 'You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?'
10. 'Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?'
9. 'Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.'
8. 'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not... Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?'
7. 'Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey shit.'
6. 'Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.'
5. 'In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.'
4. 'How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?'
3. 'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.'
2. 'I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail..'
AND THE WINNER IS....
1.'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here.'
An old nun
who was living in a convent next to a construction site
noticed the coarse language of the workers
and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.
She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers
and talk with them.
She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.
She walked up to the group and with a big smile said:
"and do you men know Jesus Christ?"
they shook their heads and looked at each other very confused.
One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out,
"Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"
One of the steelworkers yelled down
'why'?
The worker yelled back,
"Cos his wife's here with his lunch"
I know Im going to hell for this one!! :D