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A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.
So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
“Pardon me, sir, I’m Rebecca Smith from CNN. What’s your name?
“Morris Fishbien,” he replied.
“Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?”
“For about 60 years.”
“60 years! That’s amazing! What do you pray for?”
“I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims.”
“I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. ”
“I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man.”
“How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?”
“Like I’m talking to a brick wall!"
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A Priest kept chickens at his village parish.
One evening the cock went missing.
At mass the priest asked,
"Who has a cock?"
All the men got up.....
"No! I meant who has seen a cock?"
All the women got up..
"No, No! Who has seen a cock that isn't theirs?"
Half the women got up.
"Oh!!! For goodness sake! Who has seen my cock?
"All the nuns got up!!
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In a second grade class, a little girl asks, 'Teacher, can my Mommy gets pregnant?'
'How old is your mother, dear?' Asks the teacher.
'Forty,' She replies.
'Yes, dear, your mother could get pregnant.'
The little girl then asks, 'Can my big sister get pregnant?'
'Well, dear, how old is your sister?'
The little girl answers, 'Nineteen.'
'Oh yes, dear, your sister certainly could get pregnant.'
The little girl then asks; 'Can I get pregnant?'
'How old are you, dear?'
The little girl answers,' I'm seven years old.'
'No, dear, you can't get pregnant...'
Then, the little boy behind the little girl gives her a poke and says, 'See, I told you we had nothing to worry about!'
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Life-savers, the candy with the hole in the middle.......
A teacher handed out lifesavers packets to the children of her class, an experiment designed to explain to them the corrolation between vision and taste.
The children began to identify the flavors by their color:
Red.....................Cherry
Yellow.................Lemon
Green..................Lime
Orange ...............Orange
Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste.
The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'
One little girl looked up in horror,
spit her lifesaver out and yelled,
'Oh my God! They're ass-holes!
The teacher had to leave the room!
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Delete.....bloody Shadowzone
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A retired couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Tamworth .
Bert always wanted a pair of R.M. WILLIAMS boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'
Margaret looked him over. 'No Darl.'
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for new R.M. Williams boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'
Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow, 'cause its always that way'
Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET? DO YOU?'
'No Darl', she replied.
'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT ME NEW R.M. WILLIAMS BOOTS!!!!'
Without changing her expression, Margaret replied,
'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.'
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COP vs. LITTLE GIRL
A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street, when a little girl
on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.
'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'
'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.
The cop said, 'Next year, tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it!'
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Nice horse you've got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?'
Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered,
'Yes, he sure did!'
The little girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Next year tell Santa... the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top.'
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Kevin Rudd called Julia Gillard into his office one day and said
>
> "Julia, I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win the country
> voters".
>
> "Good idea Leader, how will we go about it"? said Julia.
>
> "Well", said Rudd, "we get ourselves one of those Driaza Bone coats,
>
> some RM Williams boots, a stick and an Akubra hat. Oh, and a blue cattle
>
> dog. Then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a typical old outback
>
> country pub, we'll show we really enjoy the bush".
>
>
> "Right" said Julia.
>
>
> Days later, all kitted out and with the requisite blue heeler, they set
>
> off from Canberra in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at
>
> just the place they were looking for and found a typical outback pub.
>
> They walked in with the dog and up to the bar.
>
>
> "G'day mate", said Rudd to the bartender, "two middies of your best
>
> beer".
>
> "Good afternoon Leader", said the bartender, "two middies of our best
>
> coming up".
>
> Gillard and Rudd stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and
>
> chatting, nodding now and again to whoever came into the bar for a
>
> drink. The dog lay quietly at their feet.
>
> All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a
>
> grizzled old stockman, complete with stock whip. He walked up to the
>
> cattle dog, lifted its tail with the whip and looked underneath,
>
> shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar. A few moments
>
> later in came another old stockman with his whip. He walked up to the
>
> dog and lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and went
>
> back to the other bar.
>
> Over the course of the next hour or so another four or five stockmen
>
> came in and lifted the dog's tail and went away looking puzzled.
>
> Eventually, Rudd and Gillard could stand it no longer and called the
>
> barman over.
>
> "Tell me" said Rudd, "why did all those old stockmen come in and look
>
> under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old outback custom?"
>
>
> "Strewth no", said the barman. "Someone told 'em there was a cattle dog
>
> in the bar with two arseholes"..
>
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How To Shower Like a Woman
Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry
basket according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to
do more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower...
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins..
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red..
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tile cleaner.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel..
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
How To Shower Like a Man
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower...
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair.
Make a Shampoo Mohican
Wee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.
Admire willy size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.
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A Irish man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he
comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river.
He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of
alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'
The drunk shouts, 'Yes, oi am.'
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'
The drunk replies, 'No, oi haven't found Jesus.'
The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer..
He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found
Jesus me brother?'
The drunk again answers, 'No, oi I haven't found Jesus.'
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in
the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk, 'For the love of God have you found Jesus?'
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the
preacher, 'Are you sure this is where he fell in?'
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Ad Posted to a U.S. “Personals”
To the Guy who tried to mug me in downtown Savannah night before last.
Date: 05-27-09, 1:43 AM EST
I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings.
I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment when I drew my pistol after you took my Jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.
My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening.
Obviously you agree that it is a very Intimidating weapon when pointed at your head wasn't it?
I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from bare footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].
After I called your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as four other people's in the gas station on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]
I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb just after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).
In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.
Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.
Have a good day!
Thoughtfully yours,
Alex
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Ralph and Edna were both patients in a
mental hospital. One day while they were walking
past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly
jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the
bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse
Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the
hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally
stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I
have good news and bad news. The good news is
you're being discharged, since you were able to
rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and
saving the life of the person you love. I have
concluded that your act displays sound
mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom
with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him..
I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there
to dry. How soon can I go home?'
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A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'
Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close.
The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'
A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. A gain he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time.'
As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, 'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really Give away free sex at all.'
Paddy replied, 'No it's genuine enough Mick. My wife won twice last week.'
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A psychiatrist was
conducting a group therapy session with four young
Mothers and their small children. You all have
obsessions,' he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed
with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.'
He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is
with money. Again, it manifests itself in your
child's name, Penny.'
He turned to the third Mom, Kathy: 'Your obsession is
alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's
name, Brandy.'
At this point, the fourth mother, Joyce, quietly got up,
took her little boy by the hand and
whispered, 'Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what
he's talking about. Lets pick Willy up from school
and go home.
-
Bert and Edna are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary and they go back to the same motel and stay in the same room they did on their wedding night 50 years before after dinner Edna starts slowly stripping in front of Bert and seductively asks him "what were you thinking this time 50 years ago Bert?" he says "I was thinking how I was gonna suck your tits dry and fuck your brains out" she's got her gear off by now and asks "so what are you thinking now?" he says "just thinking what a fucking good job I did Edna"
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1. Teaching Maths in 1970
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?
2. Teaching Maths In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is 80% of the price. What is his profit?
3. Teaching Maths In 1990
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80. How much was his profit?
4. Teaching Maths In 2000
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
5. Teaching Maths In 2005
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. Your assignment: Discuss how the birds and squirrels might feel as the logger cut down their homes just for a measly profit of £20.
6. Teaching Maths In 2009
A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the felling licence. He is also fined a £100 as his chainsaw is in breach of Health and Safety legislation as it deemed too dangerous and could cut something. He has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without incident however he does not have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered to be a recidivist and habitual criminal. His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout all government agencies. He protests and is taken to court and fined another £100 because he is such a n easy target. When he is released he returns to find Gypsies have cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land. He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned and fined a further £100. While he is in jail the Gypsies cut down the rest o f his wood and sell it on the black market for £100 cash. They also have a leaving barbecue of squirrel and pheasant and depart leaving behind several tonnes of rubbish and asbestos sheeting. The forester, upon release, is warned that failure to clear the fly -tipped rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offence. He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced £12,000 plus VAT for safe disposal costs by a regulated government contractor.
Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be arrested and fined before he realises that he is never going to make £20 profit by hard work, give up, sign onto the dole and live off the state for the rest of his life?
7. Teaching Maths In 2010
A logger doesn’t sell a lorry load of timber because he can’t get a loan to buy a new lorry because his bank has spent all his and their money on a derivative of securitised debt related to sub- prime mortgages in the UK and lost the lot with only some government money left to pay a few million pound bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who made the biggest losses.
The logger struggles to pay the £1,200 road tax on his old lorry however, as it was built in the 1970s, it no longer meets the emissions regulations and he is forced to scrap it.
Some Columbian loggers buy the lorry from the scrap merchant and put it back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and send their cash back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves and their relatives. If questioned they speak no English and it is easier to deport them at the government's expense. Following their holiday back home they return to the UK with different names and fresh girls and start again. The logger protests, is accused of being a bigoted racist, and as his name is on the side of his old lorry he is forced to pay £1,500 registration fees as a gang master.
The Government borrows more mon ey to pay more to the bankers as bonuses are not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out and claim the difference on expenses and allowances.
8. Teaching Maths In 2017
à ÇáãÓÌá ÊÈíÚ Íãæáå ÔÇÍäÉ ãä ÇáÎÔÈ ãä ÇÌá 100 ÏæáÇÑ. ÕÇÍÈ ÊßáÝÉ ÇáÇäÊÇÌ ãä
ÇáËãä. ãÇ 80 åæ ÇáÑÈÍ áå¿
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No.8 should actually be in arabic but that font may not be available on this site.
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A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.
Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The first woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?'
The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The second woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?'
The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The third woman came to him and said, 'Have you ever been f****d?'
The fellow's eyes lit up and with a big grin he said, 'No.'
She said, 'You will be when the tide comes in.'
-
Dave and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name calling, Dave headed home, frustrated.
The following week, when Dave's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Dave was already there. He was already sitting at the campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a camp fire
glowing.
"How did you talk your missus into letting you go Dave?"
"I didn't have to," Dave replied. I went home from work last night and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then the ol' lady snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'... When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see-through negligee and she said, 'Carry me into the bedroom and tie me
to the bed and you can do whatever you want'......SO HERE I AM!"
-
A queer walked into a gay bar and.....
aw nevermind, you were probably there and saw the whole thing..
-
I got the Christmas lights out last night....
They remind me of niggers. They're all chained together, hardly any of them work and they look best hanging from a tree.
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There were two golfers on the golf course. One of the men pulled out a cigarette, and asked his friend for a light. His friend pulls out a 12 inch Bic lighter.
- "Woah, where did you get such a large Bic?"
- "Oh, my genie got it for me."
- "Your genie? You have a genie? Where is he?"
- "He is in my golf bag."
- "Can I see him?"
So the friend looks in the bag and out comes the genie. The man says to the genie; "I am your master's best friend. Would you grant me just one wish?"
The genie says "yes, just one wish". So the man wishes for a million bucks. The genie goes back in the golf bag without saying a word. Pretty soon, the sky starts to get dark. Then it gets even darker. The man looks up and sees a million ducks. He gets real upset, and says "what is the matter with your genie? Is he hard of hearing? I said a million Bucks, not a million Ducks."
"Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch Bic?"
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Last night I was talking to a young, good looking woman. She asked me if I liked breasts or legs.
I told her what I really liked was a shaved snatch.
Apparently I'm not welcome back at KFC.
-
Deep in the back woods, of Albert County New Brunswick Canada,
a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night,
and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.
Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, 'Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing!'
Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.
'Whoa there', said the doctor, 'Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there's another one coming..'
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.
'Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!'
Said the doctor.
Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby
'No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!' cried the doctor.
The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, 'You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?'
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A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy
dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his
wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his
problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will
cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.
The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he
writes a letter of complaint.
A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:
Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit.
The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you
will really look the part.
The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint.
A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.
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Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she yells out....
"Pa, You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"
Pa replies, "There ain't nothin' wrong with the outhouse."
Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."
So.......Pa mossies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back,
"Ma There ain't nothin' wrong with the outhouse! "
Ma replies, "Stick your head in the hole!"
Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin' my head in that hole!"
Ma says, "Ya have to stick your head in the hole to see what to fix."
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back,
"Ma There ain't nothin' wrong with this outhouse!"
Ma yells back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling,
"Ma Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"
To which Ma replies, "Hurts, don't it ?!"
.
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One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.
He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie 's in the display window?'
The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir?
We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie
for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.
The amazed father asks: 'It 's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls
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After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 200 years ago.
New Zealand scientists not to be outdone by the Poms, in the weeks that followed dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in the NZ newspapers read: "New Zealand archaeologists have found traces of 250 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the Brits."
One week later, Australian TV reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 meters in his backyard in Arakun, Billy Bunyip, a tribal elder, reported that he found absolutely nothing, and Billy has therefore concluded that 300 years ago indigenous Australians had already gone wireless."
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A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.
She knocked on the door then immediately
walked in. She was shocked to see her
daughter-in-law lying on the Couch, totally
naked.
Soft music was playing, and the aroma of
perfume filled the room.
'What are you
doing?' she asked.
'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from
work.' The daughter-in-law answered.
' But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.
'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law
explained.
'Love dress? But you're naked!'
'Justin loves me to wear this dress,' she
explained.
'Every time he sees me in this dress, he
instantly becomes romantic and ravages
me for hours.'
The
mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best
perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting
for her husband to arrive..
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
' What are you doing?' he asked.
'This is my love dress,' she whispered,
sensually.
'Needs ironing,' he said,
'What's for dinner?'
-
SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag.
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What do lawyers use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
20 kgs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in year 9.
Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.
What's the difference between a porcupine and a police car?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
'Are you sure it's mine?'
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
What's the difference between an Australian zoo and an English zoo?
An Australian zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... Word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the difference between a northern USA fairytale and a southern USA fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time..'
A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shiit...'
Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides
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A man comes home to find his wife in bed with his best mate.....
so he stabs his mate to death.
His wife says: "that was a bit silly?....carry on like that and you'll have no mates left "...
-
-
Apparently, the only person who can beat Tiger Woods with a golf club is his wife.
What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.
Tiger Woods was injured in a car accident as he pulled out of his driveway early Friday morning. It was Woods' shortest drive since an errant tee shot at the US Open.
What was Tiger Woods doing out at 2.30 in the morning? He'd gone clubbing.
Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn’t decide between a wood and an iron.
Perhaps Tiger should be using a driver?
This is the first time Tiger’s ever failed to drive 300 yards
Apparently, Tiger admitted this crash was the closest shave he’s ever had. So Gillette has dropped his contract.
Tiger Woods wasn't seriously injured in the crash. He's still below par though.
Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one.
What does tiger woods and baby seals have in common?
They have both been clubed by a norwegian.
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Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by St Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said,
'You must each have something to symbolize Christmas to get into heaven.'
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets
and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked,
'And just what do those symbolize?'
The man replied, 'These are Carols.'
-
An elderly man lay dying in his bed.
While suffering the desperate agony of impending death,
he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones
wafting up the stairs.
Mustering his remaining strength, he somehow got up and
leaning on the wall, slowly made his way out of the bedroom,
and with huge effort, gripping the Railing with both hands,
he finally managed to crawl downstairs.
With failing breath, he managed to open the kitchen door
Were it not for the pain of descent and death's horrid agony,
he genuinely would have thought he was already in heaven,
for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were
literally hundreds of his favourite scones.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love
from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years,
seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself
towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture.
His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone
at the edge of the table, when suddenly
it was smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon........
F**k off" she said, "they're for the funeral."
-
I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so.
I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy.
There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the
counter and she could see that I was new at it.
She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.
I honestly answered, 'No, this is my first time.'
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and
slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make
sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still
looked confused. So she looked all around the store
to see if it was empty. It was empty.
'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.
Taking my hand, she led me into the back room,
unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked
her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She
asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do
was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.
As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt,
removed her panties and lay down on a desk.
'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'
So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that
unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and
KAPOW, I was done within a few minutes.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you
put that condom on?' she asked.
I said, 'I sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.
