Jokes

What does a tart and bowling balls have in common?
Both love to be picked up, fingered and then banged down an alley

3 kids are walking down a country road when a car crashes into a ditch and catches fire they run over and free the driver and get
him to safety just as the car explodes
"Thanks kids I'm Kevin Rudd Prime Minister of Australia. How can i reward you" he say's.
First kid replies "I'll have 1 million dollars, thanks"
Second kid replies "I'll have 1 million dollars"
Third kid replies "I'll have a state funeral"
Ol' K Rudd looks at the kid and asks "Why don't you want a million dollars?"
"Cause when my dad finds out who I saved. He's going to fucking kill me."

I haven't read all the jokes on here but the ones I have read didn't include this one. I believe half the joke is made in the delivery. Here is one of the best delivered jokes I can remember and it makes me laugh every time:

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DvHOXiP9O_Y[/youtube]

lmfao good one gix

Dude sounds like Dylan Moran, thats funny, will use that one at my friday night session at the pub next week, the blokes i drink with think ive got this massive joke "back catalogue" running around in my brain, when in fact i just use one joke a week from this forum, hehe.

Children's Science Exam

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?

A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
(The kid gets an A+ for this answer!)

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does 'varicose' mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section.'
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome.

Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

big bad bear goes up to the barman at the burswood and bellows "im a big bad brown bear, give me a beer". the barman replies
"we don't serve big bad brown bears at the burswood bar". so the big bad brown bear biff's the barman and bellows "im a big bad
brown bear, give me a beer". the barman replies "we don't serve big bad brown bears at the burswood bar, especially when they
biff barmen". so the big bad brown bear grabs the barmaid and bonks her, then bellows at the barman "im a big bad brown bear,
give me a beer" the barman replies "we don't serve big bad brown bears at the burswood bar, especially when they biff barmen and bonk barmaids". just then the bouncer wanders over to see what happening so the big bad brown bear belts the bouncer and
bellows "im a big bad brown bear, give me a beer". the barman replies "we don't serve big bad brown bears at the burswood bar,
especially when they biff barmen, bonk barmaids and belt bouncers". so the big bad brown bear bites a chunk out of the bar and
bellows "im a big bad brown bear, give me a beer". the barman replies "we don't serve big bad brown bears at the burswood bar,
especially when they biff barmen, bonk barmaids, belt bouncers and do drugs" the big bad brown bear looks at the barman and
says "drugs?" the barman say's " yeah drugs i saw you swallow that bar bit you ate"

you're a sick sick man uncle pervy:)

A Child's prayer -


Dear God,

Please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Daddy's computer.

Amen

How do you get a poof to fuck a girl?

Shit in her cunt

I know i've said it many times but i still love that joke

what happened to the midget that worked under a girl?

he got flapped in the face and clit behind the ears.....

A Tasmanian teaching his Son to Wank,his son says'this is magic Dad'- his Dad says'when you are 13 you can use your own cock!

Q. Why do homosexuals use ribbed condoms?



A. Better traction in the mud.

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- Life isn't always fair;
- and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend
more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the
job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental
consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses;
and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed
to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust,
by his wife,Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers;
I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I'm A Victim

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If
you still remember him, pass this on.. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

thats gold... so many douch bags out there, getting money through buerocratic bs..

A little polar bear walks up to his mum and says 'mum, what kind of bear am i?'
his mum says 'you're a polar bear of course!'...
'i couldn't be a koala bear?'
'no, you're definitely a polar bear, go ask your father...'
'Dad, what kind of bear am I? could i be a brown bear, or a kodiak?'
Dad sighs, 'not this shit again... listen, i'm a polar bear, your mother is a polar bear, your grandparents were polar bears, and your kids will be polar bears... so why the hell do you keep asking what kind of bear you are???????'

"cause I'm FUCKING FREEZING!!!!!!"[:o)]




sorry, lame, i know, but my young bloke just told it to me today... the look on his face after he realised he just dropped the F-bomb to dad was priceless... :D:D:D

That is more than I can "bear";)

A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend "You won't believe what happened. I was taking a short cut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to it. I untied her, and then we had sex over and over again, all the positions, everything.

His friend replies, "That's great: did you get a blow job?"

Oh, no: I never found her head.




Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son. The doctor walks in and Michael asks: "Doctor, how long before we can have sex?" The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he's at least 14."




Two guys are walking down the street and see a dog on the lawn, licking his balls.

One guy says to the other, "Man, I sure wish I could do that".

The other guy says, "Don't you think you ought to pat him first?"

Here they come...

* Woman should have laid still while Matty Johns f*cked her ... it's common knowledge that thrashing around and screaming only attracts other sharks.

* I finally understand the words of the kiwi hakka, for years I have been wondering what "COME MATTY, COME MATTY" meant.

* The NRL have cleared Matty Johns of all charges, apparently the kiwi girl was unaware of the interchange rule.

* I found out the name of the kiwi girl Matty Johns rooted, its Joyce Mayne .... Get what you want now, nothing to pay for seven years.

* A recent study shows that the Cronulla Sharks are getting bigger crowds at their gang bangs than at their home games.

Q1.What do you call an Abo in a red car?
A1.A jaffer.

Q2.What do you call an abo going down a water slide?
A2.Sewage

Q3.What do you call an abo hanging from a tree?
A4.Abo-cardo

Q4.What did the abo say as he walked accross the zebra crossing?
A4.Now you see me, now you don't, now you see me, ect, ect.