LOL Im @ work too! :D
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LOL Im @ work too! :D
A young blonde woman in Sydney was so depressed that she decided to end
her life by throwing herself from the Harbour Bridge .
She went down to the bridge and was about to leap into the frigid water
when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the
Bridge
crying.
He took pity on her and said "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm
off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on
my
ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."
Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll
keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded yes. "After all, what do I have to lose?"
Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.
From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece
of
fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by
the
captain ."What are you doing here?" the captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors, who's stowed me away"
she explained "I get food and free passage to Europe , and he's
screwing
me."
''He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Manly Ferry.. "
Teacher was asking the Grade 3 kids about their pets. Little Johnny put his hand up and said that his family was about to acquire a hedgehog.
Teacher thought that was a little strange, since you don't have hedgehogs in Australia. "Are you sure, Little Johnny?", Teacher asked. Little Johnny replied, "Sure as, Miss. Last night I heard my Mum tell my Dad that if he did the dishes, she'd give him a hedgehog".
bullshit bear married men don't get hedgehogs only teenage boys who hang around skateboard parks
A Somalian arrives in Sydney as a new immigrant to Australia.
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says........
'Thank you Mr. Australian for letting me in this country, giving me housing, money for food, free medical care, free education and no taxes!'
The passerby says, 'You are mistaken, I am a Lebanese!'
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. 'Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Australia'
The person says, 'I not an Ozzie, I from Yugoslavian!'
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you to the wonderful Australians!'
That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Italy , I am not from Australia!'
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you an Australian'
She says , 'No, I am from Africa!'
Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the Australians?'
The African lady checks her watch and says ...'Probably at work'
At the end of a tiny, deserted bar is a huge Aboriginal bloke 2 metres
tall and 150 kilos. He's having a few beers when a short, well-dressed and obviously gay man walks in and sits beside him.
After three or four beers the gay fella finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Aboriginal. Leaning over towards the Aboriginal he whispers, 'Do you want a blow-job?'
At this the massive Aboriginal leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face, knocking him swiftly off the stool. He proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar before leaving him bruised and battered in the car park, and returned to his seat at the bar.
Amazed, the barman quickly brings over another beer. 'I've never seen you react like that', he says,' Just what did he say to you?'
'I'm not sure', the big Aboriginal replies, 'something about a
job....?
i heard they're making micheal jacksons body into playground equipment so kids get to play with him for a change.
i heard they're turning micheal jackson into rice bubbles, so he can be in a ten year olds arsehole one more time
whats the difference between a white plastic shopping bag and micheal jackson? one is white, made of plastic and is a danger to children, the other is a white plastic shopping bag
Woman in labour, shouting and screaming as usual, 'get this out of me, give me drugs'.
She turns to the boyfriend and says 'You did this to me you f**ker'.
He replied casually, 'If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse but you said, 'f**k off it'll be too painful', Now who's laughing'
.................................................. ...................
Was depressed last night, rang lifeline. Got a call centre in Afghanistan , told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
.................................................. ...................
I am going to watch my wedding video in reverse later.
I love the part where she takes her ring off and walks down the isle backwards, gets in the car and f**ks off.
haha, love the last one!!!
On a bitterly cold winters morning a husband and wife in Dublin were listening to the radio during breakfast.
They heard the announcer Say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snowplows can get through.
"So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through.
"The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says,
"We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today.
You must park...." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, " I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"
Then with the love and understanding in his voice, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave the car in the garage today."
NEW WORLD SURVEY
Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:-
"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure because of the following:
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
In the US they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
And in Australia they hung up because they couldn't understand an Indian accent.
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
David Bissonette
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Sacha Guitry
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Anonymous
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, 'What does a woman want?
Dumas
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Sigmund Freud
'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'
Anonymous
'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.'
Sam Kinison
'I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'
James Holt McGavra
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Patrick Murra
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once....
Nash
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Anonymous
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Henny Youngman
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Rodney Dangerfield
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'
Anonymous
First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
Anonymous
What's pink and has seven dents in it?
Snow White's Hymen.....
You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night,
when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the
bus:
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there
could only be one passenger in your car? Think before you continue
reading.
This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part
of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is
going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take
the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be
the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able
to find your perfect mate again.
The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble
coming up with his answer. He simply answered: 'I would give the car
keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I
would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.'
Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn
thought limitations.
Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box.'
HOWEVER...., The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put
her out of her misery, have s *x with the perfect partner on the hood
of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.
I just love happy endings!
Did You Know?
That the words race car spelled backward says race car.
That eat is the only word that if you take the 1st letter and move it to the
last, it spells it's past tense, ate.
And,
Have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "illegal immigrants,"
and add just a few more letters, it spells out:
"Fuck off and go home you free-loading, benefit grabbing, kid producing,
violent, non-English speaking cocksuckers and take those hairy faced, sandal
wearing, bomb making, goat fucking, smelly rag head bastards with you."
How weird is that?
lol
Saudi couple, Ahmed and Layla, preparing for their wedding, meet with their Mullah for counseling.
The Mullah asks if they have any last questions before they leave.
Ahmed asks, 'We realize it's tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance together.'
'Absolutely not,' says the Mullah. 'It's immoral. Men and women always dance Separately.'
'So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?'
'No,' answered the Mullah, 'It's forbidden in Islam.'
'Well, okay,' says Ahmed, 'What about sex? Can we finally have sex?'
'Of course!' replies the Mullah, 'Allah Akbar! (GOD is great) Sex is OK within marriage, to have children!'
'What about different positions?' asks the man.
'Allah Akbar! Mafi Mushkila (no problem),' says the Mullah.
'Woman on top?' Ahmed asks.
'Sure,' says the Mullah. 'Allah Akbar. Go for it!'
'Doggy style?'
'Sure! Allah Akbar!'
'On the kitchen table?'
'Yes, yes! Allah Akbar!'
'Can I do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a bucket of honey and a porn video?'
'You may indeed.. Allah Akbar!'
'Can we do it standing up?'
'No, absolutely not!' says the Mullah.'
'Why not?' asks the man.
'Because that could lead to dancing!
"To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer."
Paul Ehrlich.
"Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up."
James Magary.
"To err is human--and to blame it on a computer is even more so."
Robert Orben.
"Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife."
Groucho Marx (...more Groucho Marx Quotes).
"Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others."
Groucho Marx (...more Groucho Marx Quotes).
"A positive attitude will not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort."
Herm Albright.
"Don't you wish there were a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence? There's one marked 'Brightness,' but it doesn't work."
Gallagher
"Television: A medium. So called because it's neither rare nor well done."
Ernie Kovacs.
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,
and all the patients were shouting, '13....13....13.'
The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.....
Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick!
Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...
The Meaty Bites Diet
I've got 2 dogs. I bought a large bag of Meaty Bites at Big W and was standing in line at the check-out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Meaty Bites Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 25 kgs before I woke in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned by the food. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the middle of the road licking my dick and a car hit me.
I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.
Stupid bitch...why else would I buy dog food??
How do you tell a well hung nigger?
By the way the rope bites into his neck...
A girl asks her doctor "Doctor, how many calories are there in semen?"
To which the Doctor replies "Honey if you swallow nobody cares if you're fat!"
Testicle Therapy
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in
horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men
playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men.
He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin,
fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately
began to apologise. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a
Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd
allow me', she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the
man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position,
still clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side,
loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several
long moments and asked, 'How does that feel?'
He replied, 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!'
Why don't women ride motorcycles?
Because there is no bitumen between the sink and the washing machine
LOL Timbo!
I'm facebooking the SHIT out of that joke - take that bitches
/nerd spasm
An Irishman is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He immediately dials 999.
Irishman: ''It's my wife! I've accidentally shot her, I've killed her!''
Operator: ''Please calm down Sir, can you first make sure she is actually dead!''
*click* *BANG*
Irishman: ''Okay, done that. What next?''
A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perked up and said, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'
'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.'
'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,'
said the woman..'
'What a coincidence!' said the farmer.
As they clinked glasses he added, 'What are you celebrating?'
'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'
'What a coincidence!' said the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'
'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'
'I used a different cock,' he replied.
The woman smiled, clinked his glass again and said, 'What a coincidence!'
After his exam the doctor asked the elderly man: "You appear to be in
good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me?"
"In fact I do" said the old man "After my wife and I have sex I am usually
cold and chilly, and after we have sex the 2nd time, I’m usually hot and sweaty."
Later, after examining the elderly gentleman's wife, the doctor said:
Everything appears fine. Do you have any medical concerns you would
like to discuss with me?" She replied she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then told her: "Your husband had an unusual concern.
He claims he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first
time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?"
"Oh that crazy old fart," she replied.
"That's because the 1st time is usually in July and the 2nd is in January."
There's an email doing the rounds that has the heading: "Nude photo of Julia Gillard inside!"
It's a trick! DO NOT OPEN IT!
There's a nude photo of Julia Gillard inside.
A 5 year old's first job...
Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.
A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew began to build a house on the empty lot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in the goings-on and spent much of each
day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them 'gems-in-the-rough,' more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her during coffee and lunch breaks and gave her
little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, they even
presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars 'pay' she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied, 'I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us.'
'Oh my goodness gracious,' said the teller, 'and will you be working on the house again this week, too?'
The little girl replied, 'I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fuckin' sheet rock.'
Kind of brings a tear to the eye - doesn't it?
This letter was sent to the Lions Bay School Principal's office
after the school had sponsored a luncheon for seniors.
An elderly lady won a new radio as a door prize and was writing to say thank you.
This story is a credit to all humankind. For anyone who might need a lift today -
Dear Lions Bay School ,
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your Senior Citizens luncheon.
I am 84 years old and live at the West Vancouver Home for the Aged.
All of my family has passed away.
I am all alone and I want to thank you for the kindness shown to a forgotten old lady.
My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.
The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.
She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to fuck off.
Thank you for that opportunity.
Sincerely,
Edna
A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later.'
The nun agreed.
A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier?'
The nun replied, 'He went that way..'
After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq ...'
The nun said, 'I understand completely.'
The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'
The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either.'
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello.
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me?'
To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Instantly, his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife.
He says 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?'
She looks into his eyes and says calmly.................
"No................................................ ................
I'm your son's mathematics teacher."
To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last. Date: 2009-05-27, 1:43 A M EST. I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend’s purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
First, I’d like to apologize for your embarrassment, I didn’t expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 A CP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head … isn’t it! I know it probably wasn’t fun walking back to wherever you’d come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I’m sure it was even worse walking bare footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].
After I called your mother, or “Momma” as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you’d done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as four other people’s in the gas station on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful! I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go’s, along with all the cash in you r wallet. [That made his day!] I then threw your wallet into the big pink “pimp mobile” that was parked at the curb … after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver’s side of the car.
Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what’s going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA’s office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.). In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you … but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider the career path you’ve chosen to pursue in life.
Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day!
Thoughtfully yours,
Bill
gold
see, guns ARE a laughing matter..!
That funny shit!!!
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day.
Mick, the bartender says, ' You'll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy.
Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then.'
Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.
'Shoite' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.
He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, 'Shoite, Shoite!'
He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.
He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame.
He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face..
I'm fockin' focked,' he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.
He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No fockin' way'.
He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed.'
He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.
He says 'Fock it' and falls into bed.
The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?'.
Paddy says, 'I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?'
'Mick phoned... you left your wheelchair at the pub!'
^^ That had me gigling like a school boy for ages. :D
I've been arrested 3 times this week for knocking out the wife. The police asked me why I keep beating her, and I replied: I'd say it's because I have a significant weight advantage, longer reach and better footwork!
40 Aboriginals arrive at the Pearly Gates
St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God, saying.
'I've got 40 Aboriginals here.
Can I let them in?'
God says
'We are over the quota on Abo’s.
Go back to the gates and tell them to choose
between them which are the 12 most worthy, and I will let just the dozen in.'
Less than a minute later, St Peter is on the phone to God again.
'They're gone', he tells God.
'What?' says God, 'All 40 of them?'
'No, the fuckin gates'.