Jokes

Hemi the Maori builder was going through a house he had just built for the woman who owned it.

She was telling him what colour to paint each room. They went into the first room and she said 'I want this room to be painted a light blue.'

Hemi went to the front door and yelled 'GREEN SIDE UP!'

When he went back into the house, she told him that the next room was to be bright red.

Hemi went to the front door and yelled 'GREEN SIDE UP!'

When he went back into the house, she told him that the next room was to be tan.

Hemi went to the front door and yelled 'GREEN SIDE UP!'

When he came back, the lady was pretty curious, so she asked him 'I keep telling you colours, but you go out the front and yell green side up; what is that for?'

Hemi said, 'Oh don't worry about that, I've just got a couple of Aussies laying the turf out the front.

:D:D:D

noice 1 lmao

Whats got 8 legs and a big black cunt?

The A team

^Lol! I pity the fool who doesnt like the A-Team

I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up.
She turned out to be an undercover detective.
How cool is that at her age?!

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up.
She said I had to stop wanking.
When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"

I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger kid, with two friends?

A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."
To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."

I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train.
He was chuffed to bits.

When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids.
Took her out with one punch.

My granddad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed.
"It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.
Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."
"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendix out!"

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "morning."
He replied, "No, just having a sh!t."

Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low?

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

Rocky the roster is the biggest meanest filthiest roster in the farm yard,he spends his whole day beating the crap out of all the other animals in the yard.

One day a cat comes around the corner and beats the absolute crap out of Rocky.

The moral of the story is "No matter how big and nasty the cock is the pussy can always take it"

A lady aprouches a gentleman at a party and looks him up and down and says to him.

"Hi my name is Carmen, my name is made up of the to favourite things in my life cars and men ,whats your name?"

The gentle man looks her up and down and in a rusky voice says

"BEERCUNT"

A Scottsman, a Chinaman, a Pom and an Aussie were in the pub debating whose country was the best.
The Scottsman reckoned his was the best, because we got the greenest grass.
The Pom reckoned his was the best because they had the most beautiful flag.
The Chinaman reckoned his was the best because of their Great Wall.
The Aussie said we're the best, 'cos we got the kangaroo, and that can jump over your great wall, crap on your grass and wipe it's ass with your flag!

An Englishman, an Irishman, an Australian and a New Zealander were in a plane, getting ready to make their first parachute jump. The Englishman's exit was spectacular; he leapt out of the plane with the cry "I am doing this for my country.....". The Irishman leapt out immediately afterwards, calling out the same words. Then the Australian ripped the parachute off the New Zealander, pushed him out of the plane and cried "I'm doing this for my country.....".

Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
Americans: Believe that people should look out for and take care of themselves.
Canadians: Believe that that is the government's job.

Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.


Canadians: Endure bitterly cold winters and are proud of it.
Brits: Endure oppressively wet and dreary winters and are proud of it.
Americans: Don't have to do either, and couldn't care less.
Aussies: Don't understand what inclement weather means.


Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.
Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.
Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.


Americans: Seem to think that poverty and failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success, and failure are inherited.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.

A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER: $2.00

HAMBURGER: $2.25

CHEESEBURGER: $2.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50

HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.

She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.

"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?"

The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes, yes, I sure am".

The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger".

An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub, and promptly orders three pints. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three pints, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.

An hour later the man has finished the three pints and orders three more. This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Pints.

Finally, a week later the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three pints."

"Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies. "You see, I have two brothers and one went to America and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two pints whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."

The bartender and the whole town were pleased with this answer and soon the Man Who Orders Three Pints became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.

Then one day the man comes in and orders only two pints. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening.

He orders only two pints. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.

The next day the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know - the two pints and all...."

The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I, meself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent."

HILLYBILLY DAYVORCE
A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer. The lawyer said, "How can I help you?" The farmer said, "I want to get one of them dayvorces."
The lawyer said, "Do you have any
grounds?" The farmer said, "Yes, I got 40 acres" The lawyer said, "No, No, you don't understand, Do you have a suit? The farmer said, "Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays." The lawyer said, "No, no, I mean, do you have a case?" The farmer said, "No, I ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deere.

The lawyer said, "No, I mean, do you have a grudge?" The farmer said,"Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parks the John Deere" The lawyer said, "Does your wife beat you up or something?" The farmer said, "No, we both get up at 4:30."
By now the lawyer is getting frustrated but tries one last question .The lawyer said,

"Is your wife a nagger?" The farmer said, "No, she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants a dayvorce."

A guy works a new job on Thursday and Friday. On Monday he calls in and says, "I can’t come in today, I’m sick." He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, "I can’t come in today, I’m sick."

The boss asks the foreman about him and he replies, "He’s great. He does the work of two men. We need him."

So the next day the boss calls the guy into his office and says, "You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You’re a good worker and I’d hate to fire you. What’s the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?"

The guy replies, "No I don’t drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks heavily every weekend, then beats up my sister. So every Monday morning I go over to make sure she’s alright. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know I’m fucking her."

The boss says, "Errr... you fuck your sister?" The guy replies, "Hey, I told you I was sick!"

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to
the pharmacist,
looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some
cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady
replied, "I need it
to poison my husband." The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed,
"Lord have mercy! I
can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law!
I'll lose my license!
They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen.
Absolutely not! You
CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband
in bed with the
pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,
"well now, that's
different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Little Johnny is in the bath with his Dad when he says, "Daddy, why is my willy different from yours?" His Dad replies, "Well, for a start, son, yours isn't erect."

I was at a ATM the other day standing in line behind an old lady.
It looked like she was having trouble, then she turned around and ask me if I could help her check her balance.

So I pushed her over!!

Not All Accidents Are Bad.
on May 15th, 2001
The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door. "We`re sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife."

"Well, tell me!" the man said.

The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?" Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

So the policeman said, "I`m sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife`s body in San Francisco Bay."

"Oh my god!" said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What`s the good news?"

"Well," said the policeman, "when we pulled her up she had two five- pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."

"If that`s the good news, then what`s the great news?" Mr. Wilkens demanded.

The policeman said, "We`re going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."

A Vietnamese Doctor says "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another and have him looking for work in 6 weeks"


A German Doctor says " That is nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks"


A Russian Doctor says "In My country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks"


The Australian Doctor, not to be outdone, says " You guys are way behind. We recently took a man with no brains out of Queensland, put him in Canberra for one year, and now half the country is looking for work"!

What does a tart and bowling balls have in common?
Both love to be picked up, fingered and then banged down an alley

3 kids are walking down a country road when a car crashes into a ditch and catches fire they run over and free the driver and get
him to safety just as the car explodes
"Thanks kids I'm Kevin Rudd Prime Minister of Australia. How can i reward you" he say's.
First kid replies "I'll have 1 million dollars, thanks"
Second kid replies "I'll have 1 million dollars"
Third kid replies "I'll have a state funeral"
Ol' K Rudd looks at the kid and asks "Why don't you want a million dollars?"
"Cause when my dad finds out who I saved. He's going to fucking kill me."

I haven't read all the jokes on here but the ones I have read didn't include this one. I believe half the joke is made in the delivery. Here is one of the best delivered jokes I can remember and it makes me laugh every time:

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DvHOXiP9O_Y[/youtube]

lmfao good one gix

Dude sounds like Dylan Moran, thats funny, will use that one at my friday night session at the pub next week, the blokes i drink with think ive got this massive joke "back catalogue" running around in my brain, when in fact i just use one joke a week from this forum, hehe.

Children's Science Exam

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?

A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
(The kid gets an A+ for this answer!)

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does 'varicose' mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section.'
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome.

Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

big bad bear goes up to the barman at the burswood and bellows "im a big bad brown bear, give me a beer". the barman replies
"we don't serve big bad brown bears at the burswood bar". so the big bad brown bear biff's the barman and bellows "im a big bad
brown bear, give me a beer". the barman replies "we don't serve big bad brown bears at the burswood bar, especially when they
biff barmen". so the big bad brown bear grabs the barmaid and bonks her, then bellows at the barman "im a big bad brown bear,
give me a beer" the barman replies "we don't serve big bad brown bears at the burswood bar, especially when they biff barmen and bonk barmaids". just then the bouncer wanders over to see what happening so the big bad brown bear belts the bouncer and
bellows "im a big bad brown bear, give me a beer". the barman replies "we don't serve big bad brown bears at the burswood bar,
especially when they biff barmen, bonk barmaids and belt bouncers". so the big bad brown bear bites a chunk out of the bar and
bellows "im a big bad brown bear, give me a beer". the barman replies "we don't serve big bad brown bears at the burswood bar,
especially when they biff barmen, bonk barmaids, belt bouncers and do drugs" the big bad brown bear looks at the barman and
says "drugs?" the barman say's " yeah drugs i saw you swallow that bar bit you ate"

you're a sick sick man uncle pervy:)

A Child's prayer -


Dear God,

Please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Daddy's computer.

Amen

How do you get a poof to fuck a girl?

Shit in her cunt

I know i've said it many times but i still love that joke

what happened to the midget that worked under a girl?

he got flapped in the face and clit behind the ears.....

A Tasmanian teaching his Son to Wank,his son says'this is magic Dad'- his Dad says'when you are 13 you can use your own cock!

Q. Why do homosexuals use ribbed condoms?



A. Better traction in the mud.

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- Life isn't always fair;
- and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend
more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the
job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental
consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses;
and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed
to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust,
by his wife,Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers;
I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I'm A Victim

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If
you still remember him, pass this on.. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

thats gold... so many douch bags out there, getting money through buerocratic bs..

A little polar bear walks up to his mum and says 'mum, what kind of bear am i?'
his mum says 'you're a polar bear of course!'...
'i couldn't be a koala bear?'
'no, you're definitely a polar bear, go ask your father...'
'Dad, what kind of bear am I? could i be a brown bear, or a kodiak?'
Dad sighs, 'not this shit again... listen, i'm a polar bear, your mother is a polar bear, your grandparents were polar bears, and your kids will be polar bears... so why the hell do you keep asking what kind of bear you are???????'

"cause I'm FUCKING FREEZING!!!!!!"[:o)]




sorry, lame, i know, but my young bloke just told it to me today... the look on his face after he realised he just dropped the F-bomb to dad was priceless... :D:D:D

That is more than I can "bear";)

A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend "You won't believe what happened. I was taking a short cut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to it. I untied her, and then we had sex over and over again, all the positions, everything.

His friend replies, "That's great: did you get a blow job?"

Oh, no: I never found her head.




Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son. The doctor walks in and Michael asks: "Doctor, how long before we can have sex?" The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he's at least 14."




Two guys are walking down the street and see a dog on the lawn, licking his balls.

One guy says to the other, "Man, I sure wish I could do that".

The other guy says, "Don't you think you ought to pat him first?"

Here they come...

* Woman should have laid still while Matty Johns f*cked her ... it's common knowledge that thrashing around and screaming only attracts other sharks.

* I finally understand the words of the kiwi hakka, for years I have been wondering what "COME MATTY, COME MATTY" meant.

* The NRL have cleared Matty Johns of all charges, apparently the kiwi girl was unaware of the interchange rule.

* I found out the name of the kiwi girl Matty Johns rooted, its Joyce Mayne .... Get what you want now, nothing to pay for seven years.

* A recent study shows that the Cronulla Sharks are getting bigger crowds at their gang bangs than at their home games.

Q1.What do you call an Abo in a red car?
A1.A jaffer.

Q2.What do you call an abo going down a water slide?
A2.Sewage

Q3.What do you call an abo hanging from a tree?
A4.Abo-cardo

Q4.What did the abo say as he walked accross the zebra crossing?
A4.Now you see me, now you don't, now you see me, ect, ect.