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A woman and her young daughter are at the zoo and the daughter happens to see some monkeys having sex. She asks her mum what they are doing, the Mum doesn't want to have to explain it to her so she just says "They are making a cake".
The next morning, the daughter tells her mum " I know you and daddy were making a cake in the living room last night"
The mum was shocked and said "How do you know that? Did you see us?"
The daughter says "No, but I licked the icing off the couch!"
I asked my Kiwi mate how many partners he'd had.
He started counting, but he fell asleep.
Aaaaah, just got that. Jokes about Kiwi's and sheep, it never gets old. Can't work out if it's Kiwi's or sheeps you don't like, been rejected by a wooly back methinks.
Like shooting fish in a barrel.
It's only because you're closer to Australia than Wales.
Jeez, now it's the Welsh is it boyo?
A Welsh Kiwi. ...Damn.
How lucky can one guy be? It don't get no better.
Van der Merwe had never been out of South Africa. While on holiday in
Australia he decided to spend an afternoon visiting Bondi Beach.
As he sat on the beach looking out to sea he saw a long line of black
dots out in the water and said to an Aussie, who was sitting close by,
"What are all those little black things out there?"
"They're buoys," said the Aussie.
"Boys?!" replied Van der Merwe. "What are they doing out there?"
"Holding up the shark net," the Aussie told him.
"What a great country!" said Van der Merwe, deeply impressed,
"We'd never get away with that at home!
I asked the chemist lady for some deodorant
She said "Would you like the ball type?"
I said " No the underarm type will be fine"
Englishman, Scotsman and an Irishman sat in a psycology lesson.
Teacher asks the Englishman whats the opposite of joy? Sorrow he replies.
He asks the Scotsman whats the opposite of depression? He says happiness.
He asks the Irishman what the opposite of woe?
"Giddy up ya fecker!!!"
So this penguin's having trouble with his car overheating(yeah, I know some penguins are ok when it's warm but Percy ain't one of them) so takes it to the mechanic.
"Leave it with me mate, I'll have a look" says the mechanic.
Percy returns several hours later to find out what the problem is.
"Blown a seal" says the mechanic
"No" says Percy, quickly wiping his chin, "it's ice cream"
My dyslexic mate has been told that he's lactose intolerant.
Now he wont go near clothes with a crocodile logo!
A Porsche fan wrote on facebook how he cant wait for the new 911,
now hes got two million muslim friends.
Paddy and Murphy go down to the morgue to identify the badly burnt corpse of their best mate Mick.
The mortician pulls back the sheet, paddy leans in, turns the body over, examines its bum and shouts
"This is not fucking Mick!!!"
Murphy pushes him out the way, takes a glance at the bodies chuff and screams
"He`s fucking right!! This is not Mick!!"
"How can you tell?? The mortician asks..
"Because when we all used to go out, people would say "Here comes Mick with his two arseholes!"
According to an article in today's Courier Mail about personal hygiene,
most people have detectable amounts of shit on their hands at any given time.
Nonsense, I thought.
Then I realised it was probably true, as I'd just been holding a copy of the Courier Mail !
A Man enters a bar with a gun
"Who had sex with my wife" he yells
A voice from the back yells to him, "You don't have enough Bullets"
10 Catholic Priests were killed in a road accident. At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter says. “If any of you are Paedophiles, you can fuck off down to Hell”.
Nine of them start to walk away when St Peter calls out. “And take this deaf bastard with you”.
I hate to quote anything 9fag, but is that you in the comix Tony, starting from the middle of the 4th row down?Quote:
Originally Posted by Tony Nitrous