Fucking brilliant!!:D:DQuote:
quote:Originally posted by ansen
The Aussie thinks:
I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack that F*** ing Kiwi again.
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Fucking brilliant!!:D:DQuote:
quote:Originally posted by ansen
The Aussie thinks:
I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack that F*** ing Kiwi again.
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says,
"Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too," Says the duck.
"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that,"
Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.
What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road,"
Explains the duck.
"I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants To learn
more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his
bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids
the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks..
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
"You're with the circus, aren't you?
Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He
talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and
everything!"
"Sounds marvellous,"
Says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
"Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really
good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job,"
Says the duck.
"Where is it?"
"At the circus,"
Says the barman.
"The circus?"
Repeats the duck.
"That's right,"
Replies the barman.
"The circus?"
The duck asks again.
With the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who Live in
caravans?" says the duck.
Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the
middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . ...
"What the Fuck would they want with a plasterer??!"
I walked into the pub toilet earlier, spotted a bloke at the urinals, and made my way to the cubicle.
Bloke laughed and said, "Embarrassed about your penis, hey, lad?"
A bit embarrassed, I said; "Of course not!" And made my way over to the urinal next to him.
What a hypocrite, he sure seemed embarrassed watching me take a shit.
The lesbians next door asked me what I would like for my birthday.
I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex.
It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, “I wanna watch.”
old fella goes into a chemist were he asks for 2x viagra cut into 1/4,s the chemist say that wont do much ,,,old man replies ,,at least i wont piss on my feet in the morning
I wanted to work for Apple, so I gave them a call. The lady on the phone told me they had no more jobs.
.. and you're a moderator.. tsk tskQuote:
quote:Originally posted by Large
I wanted to work for Apple, so I gave them a call. The lady on the phone told me they had no more jobs.
I don't understand
My new abo neighbour popped his head over the fence today and said, “Hey bro, what’s going down?” I said, “The value of my fucking house you black prick!”
One week later he pops his head over the fence again and says, “I want you to kill my wife for me, I’ll pay you $10,000.” I accept, telling him all it will take is one bullet, just below the left tit.
He looks at me and says, “I want her dead – not f*cking knee-capped!”
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I found my dyslexic mate covering his dick with boot polish on the early hours of Sunday morning at the conclusion of daylight saving.. I said, “You idiot! You’re supposed to turn you clock back!”
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Pauline Hanson called a pest controller to her fish and chip shop to get rid of a plague of rats. After speaking to her, he pulled out a flute and started to play. The rats followed him down to the river and drowned. “That’s f*cking brilliant!” said Pauline, “Can you play the didgeridoo?”
Recession beater. Wife says to husband, “If you cycle to work, we can get rid of the second car.” He replies, “If you take it up the arse and let me cum on your face, we can get rid of the nanny!”
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What’s the difference between a refugee and ET?
ET looked better, smelled better, learnt English, didn’t claim benefits, had his own f*cking bike and wanted to go home!
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Got this text from my brother recently. It read. “Can I stay at your house for a while? My missus kicked me out after she caught me measuring my cock. It just reaches the back of her sister’s throat!”
Was shagging this bird over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, “It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!” Thinking back, I really should have legged it – but you don’t get offers like that every day.
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God visits a man and tells him he must give up smoking, drinking and sex if he wants to get into Heaven. The man says he’ll try. God visits him a week later to see how he’s getting on. “Not bad” says the man, “I’ve given up drinking and smoking, but when the wife bent over the freezer, I had to fuck her up the arse.” “They don’t like that sort of thing in Heaven” said God. The man replied, “They’re not too f*cking happy about it in Woolworths either!
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Sorry for not calling you on New Years, I just got out of jail. I got locked up for punching the f*ck out of this bloke at a party. In my defence….. when you hear an Arab counting down from 10, your instincts kick in.
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Why are aspirins white? Because they work.
I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money. Last night I rooted a sheila called Penny – spooky or what?
:D
"When the Mrs left I was sad, upset and lonely...
Since then I've got a dog, bought a new bike, shagged 2 women
and blown a grand on hard drink and cocaine....
She'll go fackin' mental when she gets home from work"
I phoned the police the other day.
"What's your emergency?" they asked.
"2 girls are fighting over me" I replied.
"OK" she paused. Well! what's the problem?"
"The fat ones winning"
My grandad said it's going to be a nightmare this year with all the flu out breaks getting around. . . . . I said tell me some thing i dont know !. . . . Ok he said, "your granny's ass can take my hole fist ! "
nice 1 lol
My teenage son just told me that he just fucked the young girl that live's next door,i said good one mate but i hope your worn some thing. . . He said yes dad,a balaclaver
My ex wife could manipulate her pussy muscle's so wen i fucked her it felt like a blow job which was ironic because wen she manipulated her mouth muscles she sounded like a cunt !
Little john'y was rushed to hospital today with 7 plastic toy horse's stuck up his ass. . . Doctor's decribed his condition as stable.
I just got a lottery ticket to win a Mediterranean cruise.
Last weeks was a rollover!
It didnt take long.....here's a few Whitney Houston ones.....
Nintendo are releasing a new game based on the lives of Amy Winehouse and Whitney Houston. It's called WiiHab.
There was an announcement today that Whitney Houston is set to star in a re-make of the popular film "The Bodyguard” titled, "The Bodybag".
Whitney Houston apparently discovered that there IS a mountain high enough.
Tired of rehashing other people's pop songs, Whitney Houston started a new career as a soul artist.
I hear that Bobby Brown is all CRACKED up.
What was Whitney Houston’s biggest hit?
Her last one.
What's the difference between Whitney Houston and my piece of junk car?
At least my car can hit 50.
Whitney Houston died just hours after being asked to be a judge on the next season of X-Factor.
Personally, I think that she made the right decision.
News of Whitney Houston's death travelled with such speed. When I heard I couldn't help but crack up with emotion. She was a real heroin. It's such a blow. She really made a hash of things though. Her life just went to pot. Someone should have kept tabs on her.
Today drug cartels will be hanging their Mexican flags at half mast R.I.P. Whitney
Bobby Brown was spotted at a sports store this morning - he was buying a punching bag because his old one is dead
What’s pink and sits on the door mat?
Whitney Houston’s Valentine’s cards
Whats the difference between Amy Winehouse and Whitney Houston?
About 204 days.
What's the difference between Whitney Houston and Amy Winehouse?
If you get a move on, Whitney is still warm
Whitney Houston – She took more shots in her arm than a Norwegian youth camp.
First Amy Winehouse, now Whitney Houston. Columbia has a tough financial year ahead.
What do Amy Winehouse and Whitney Houston have in common?
Apparently most of these jokes.
Whitney Houston: more hits than Elvis.
There's going to be a huge line outside Whitney Huston’s funeral next week... Which, coincidentally, is what killed her.
What's 6" long, and didn't get sucked on Valentine's Day?
Whitney Houston's crack pipe.
im at the lights and this black african pulls up next to me in a BMW and his reving up his engine and looks at me and gives me the nod and then says "RACE"
i lean out the window and scream "IM FUCKEN AUSSIE YOU BLACK CUNT AND PROUD TO BE" then floor it and still beat him off the lights..