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Hey less of the jewish jokes please large, my grandfather died in Belsen............................................ .........................He got pissed up one night and fell out of his watch tower.:D
What's blue and doesn't fit?
A dead epileptic
Sign seen outside an abortion clinic
You rape 'em, we scrape 'em
No fetus can beat us!
I got a new job at the hospital fitting wheels on miscarriages
How many coons does it take to wallpaper a room?
Just two if you slice them thin enough
A woman says to her husband, "You only ever want to have sex when you're pissed!"
Bloke says, "That's not true..........sometimes i want a Kebab!!!"
What did Amy Winehouse and Michael Jackson have in common?
They both had a ten year old crack addiction.
Officials have said Amy winehouse's ashes have been valued at $180 per gram
Apparently Amy Winehouse isn't dead.
Forensics started to draw a line around the body at the scene and she jumped up and tried to snort it
To Be 8 again!
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was
looking at herself in the mirror.
Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.
'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror ..
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favourite candy, M&M's.
What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
'I meant my dress size, you f@*#*! retard!!!!'
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.
Sincerely,
Unicorns
Dear World,
Please stop freaking out about 2012. Our calendars ends there because
some Spanish dirt bags invaded our country and we got a little busy OK?
Sincerely,
The Mayans
Dear Icebergs,
Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a b*tch.
Sincerely,
The Titanic
Dear iPhone,
Please stop spellchecking all of my rude words into nice words. You
piece of shut.
Sincerely,
Every iPhone User
Dear America ,
You produced Miley Cyrus. Justin Bieber is your punishment.
Sincerely,
Canada
Dear Yahoo,
I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just
saying...
Sincerely,
Dear 2010,
So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF
happened?!
Sincerely,
1985
Dear girls who have been dumped,
There are plenty of fish in the sea...Just kidding! They're all dead.
Sincerely,
BP
Dear Saturn,
I liked it, so I put a ring on it.
Sincerely,
God
Dear Fox News,
So far, no news about foxes.
Sincerely,
Unimpressed
Dear Skin-Colored Band Aids,
Please make one for every skin color.
Sincerely,
Black people
Dear Scissors,
I feel your pain...no one wants to run with me either.
Sincerely,
Sarah Palin
Dear World of Warcraft,
Thank you for ensuring my son's virginity.
Sincerely,
Parents Everywhere
Dear Batman,
What was your power again?
Sincerely,
Superman
Dear Customers,
Yes, we ARE making fun of you in Vietnamese.
Sincerely,
Nail Salon Ladies
Dear Global Warming,
You're the best imaginary friend ever!
Sincerely,
Al Gore
Dear Ugly People,
You're welcome.
Sincerely,
Alcohol
Dear White People,
Don't you just hate immigrants?
Sincerely,
Native Americans
Dear Giant Spider on the Wall,
Please die. Please die. Please die. Please die. CRAP! Where did you go?
Sincerely,
Terrified
Dear Trash,
At least you get picked up...
Sincerely,
The Girls of Jersey Shore
Dear Man,
It's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?
Sincerely,
Elephant
Dear Dr. Phil,
Look man, there's only room for one fake doctor in this world and I was
here first.
Sincerely,
Dr. Pepper
UK riots ?
In the Brixton riot last night 2 Irishmen
broke into ladbrokes and lost Ł50....:D
Poor little Ngongo Mwambi has to travel 5 miles every day for fresh water,
7 miles for food and 10 miles for medicine for him and his family.
This is because the daft c*nt and his mates torched
Peckham Spar, Tottenham KFC and Hackney medical centre
and now has to walk to Croydon for breakfast.
I wanted to watch the news last night,
has Michael Caine died?
....because all I could find on TV last night was reruns of Zulu.
Hahahaha Thats fuckin gr8!Quote:
quote:Originally posted by Tony Nitrous
I wanted to watch the news last night,
has Michael Caine died?
....because all I could find on TV last night was reruns of Zulu.
Apparently Rupert Murdoch is very touched by all the
messages of condolence on Amy Winehouse's phone !!
had to take my blow up doll back to the store this arvo. the fucking thing started to develop feelings or some shit and started crying... turns out it just needed to be emptied.
More UK Riot Gags:
Haloumi Kebabs in a lemon basil and garlic marinade, roasted mediterranian vegatable and feta salad with couscous, amorello cherry and almond cream terrine….
I’m not just any looter I’m an M&S Looter
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After rioters loot Carpet Right..Police say Tottenham now has Rug dealers on every street corner..
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?”Yeah man, we is ,living in such poverty, i is going to go out and riot and ting cos i is so disadvantaged and opressed”
Via Facebook for iPhone
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I wish I was poor enough to have a Blackberry to organise a riot!
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The rioters broke into Highbury police station and stole all the toilets.
Police have nothing to go on.
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A Police station in Huddersfield got broken into last night and looters stole all of their Satnavs.
Police are now looking for Leeds
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Fucking scrotes and chavs, destroying our community and giving our country a bad name for no reason!
And all this on my birthday too! Makes me sick!
On a brighter note, id like to take this opportunity to thank my uncle terrell for the 42″ plasma and new pair of trainers. Being on minimum wage, i cant imagine how hard you had to work to be able to afford all that for me. If only these other chavs would follow your example.
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Manchester police say the looters are not from Manchester.
Hmm, they must be United fans then?
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I am guessing all the starving Africans won’t give up their £2 a week to help rebuild Britain?
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Three nights with no riots in any Scottish cities.
Conclusive proof that Glaswegians don’t watch the news.
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Following the recent riots across the cities in England… the French have surrendered.
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I was watching the news with my girlfriend last night. “It looks like the Kaiser Chiefs were right.” I said.
“Yeah, very funny,” she replied. “I Predict A Riot.”
I said, “No… Everyday I Love You Less And Less.”
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During last night’s riots, Paddy and Murphy broke into Ladbrokes and lost £50
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Been out in the riots tonight, best night I’ve had in ages. Just need to clean all the blood off my baton and shield now.
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Why would anyone want to ruin their own country ?
Oh yeah its London, and none of them are in their own country!
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After the riots and looting in Tottenham, Boots did a stock take in their local store….
All that remained was fake tan.
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To be fair I wish everyone would stop stereotyping all of the rioters as niggers. I definitely saw at least one white person on the news and he was just as bad as the rest of them.
He was nearest to the camera and had stolen a Sky News microphone.
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Six shots fired in London, all missed.
Police are looking to question Fernando Torres.
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Unfortunately for the chavs and niggers, you can’t steal gcse’s…
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I’d like to congratulate the rioters on making us even more racist. Well done.
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I saw a black guy carrying a TV down the street yesterday so I smashed him over the head with a shovel.
I’d just like to take this opportunity to apologise to Argos and wish their delivery driver a speedy recovery.
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Bad news, the rioting has spread to Ireland.
Poor Paddy has just smashed his laptop screen, after trying to loot ebay.
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Sky News: Police to use Plastic Bullets.
Fuck me, the Recession has hit us harder than I thought.
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These rioting niggers are a fucking disgrace. Where are their parents when they’re out on the streets causing mayhem?
Oh yeah, in jail.
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An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman …
… had nothing to do with the London riots.
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Can we make sure the “Before” and “After” riot pictures of Croydon are clearly labelled, as it’s confusing to tell which is which?
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?1527 thieving rioting looters shot dead by the Army, many in the back of the head. Over 1000 in hospital with cracked skulls due to baton use by the police. Hundreds of scrotes torn apart by police dogs. The Army are moving in to finish rioters off in affected areas with bayonets, to save tax payers money on bullets. Carlsberg doesn’t do headlines but if they did…..
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Police are using water cannons in London tonight with a touch of persil to stop the coloureds from running.
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Just seen the manager of PC World on the news ranting on about how the thieving black bastards that plundered his store, should have their fucking hands chopped off, or be hung by their dicks from the nearest tree!
Wow! I thought. Now there is a guy who really needs to change the name of his shop.
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Just heard that the Met Police are going to be releasing CCTV footage of all the looting in Tottenham.
Can’t wait to see it in high definition on my new 70″ plasma TV…
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I wonder how many black policemen are praying that all the good stuff isn’t gone before their day off?
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Why are all these people in London behaving like they’re from third world countries?
oh wait a minute……….
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London joins Amy Winehouse and Norway in the growing list of victims of Rupert Murdoch’s “Operation Distraction”.
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3D home entertainment isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.
Once you get it all set up, you’ll realise that you forgot to rob the glasses.
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I wonder if the first thing David Cameron says to Nick Clegg after coming back early from his holiday is ”I leave you alone for two fucking minutes!!…”
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Gavin from AutoGlass has a right job on his hands now.
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If these riots go on any longer then Libya will be reclassified as a peaceful protest…
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So Cameron wants to stop these riots?
I’ve heard that the Taliban, Iraq and Libya had a pretty efficient way of quelling them – why don’t we ask them?
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Apparently all this rioting is just a side show to hide the news that Britain has now got a woman in charge of parking a battleship!
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News: “Government condemns riots and looting”
Well done government – that’ll sort things out, big style!
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The Kaiser Chiefs must be feeling pretty fucking smug right now.
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Giving Eastenders a miss tonight, bbc news channel is the same but live!
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Following the riots and looting in Tottenham a large number of Scousers will now not travel down for Saturdays Spurs v Everton premiership game,due to fears that all the best stuff has already been stolen.
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I said to my mate “We’re in the middle of a huge recession, we’ve got Noel Edmonds on TV and we’ve got rioting on the streets of London. It’s like being back in the 80′s”
He said “Yeah, what’s next, Liverpool win the league?”
Oh how we both laughed.
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Say what you like about the Tottenham rioters but at least they made Ross Kemp fuck off from London for a few days.
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I don’t blame those Blacks in north London for going on a looting rampage….
How else are they supposed to make a living now Amy Winehouse isn’t buying skag anymore ?.
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My son just said to me, “Look at all those policemen on the news just standing there, letting the niggers do whatever they want.”
“Now son, I’ve told you before: you can’t say that word anymore, it’s not politically correct.”
“Sorry Dad, I meant police officers.”
Good lad.
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My racist jokes are getting a lot of dislikes today,
It’s almost like 100′s of blacks have all just got a new laptop or something,
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Aaron Lennon takes it on his chest and brings it down, passes it to Bassong who runs with it before laying it off to Huddlestone, Defoe spots a window and makes a run, Huddlestone sees him and makes the pass and Defoe puts it away nicely.
“Right lads,” says Palacios, “let’s get one more Plasma before the police get here.”
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Niggers running everywhere, throwing things, complete waste of taxpayers money.
And I thought the Olympics was next year?
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Say what you like about North Londoners, but their efforts in doing the place up in order to make the Man City & Man United fans feel at home for the Charity Shield match today is wholly admirable.
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Inner City riots, King Kenny at Liverpool and a Tory Goverment making massive cuts..All we need now is The Specials at Number 1 for true 80′s revival.
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London police have released CCTV footage of the youths involved in the riots in Tottenham last night.
Anyone that recognises any of the teeth should call Crimestoppers immediately.
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Following the riots in Tottenham I think its important to remind ourselves that not all black people are stereotypical thieves and arsonists.
The vast majority are in fact drug dealers and rapists.
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I’m thinking about going to Tottenham/Enfield tomorrow to get a new tv but I can’t make my mind up where to buy it from.
The Red Lion or The Fox and Hounds?
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I see a couple of Police cars were wrecked during last nights riots in Tottenham.
Rather short-sighted of the black community, ruining 2 of their methods of public transport like that.
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An Aldi store was devastated by fire last night.
A spokesmen for the store said the extent of the damage could run into tens of pounds.
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The safest place to be in Tottenham this morning, is in the Spurs trophy cabinet.
There’s no chance of looters visiting there.
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When I saw all those niggers rioting on Tottenham high street I knew I had to find somewhere safe to hide where they wouldn’t go.
I’m still stuck in the job centre.
I was in ecstasy, with a smile on my face,
as my wife moved forwards then backwards.......
forwards then backwards.....back and forth.......
back and forth.....in and out....in and out.
Her heart beating faster and faster,
her face flushed she began to grunt and groan..........
She then lets out one almighty scream!!!!
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"I can't park this fucking car, you do it you smug bastard!!!!!!"
I asked a bloke what he did for work,
he said "a development Technician for Harley Davidson
but they havent been called into work since 1903 !"
I guess its not all bad news for the ALP. Unlike the rest of their members, at least one of them CAN organise a root in a brothel...
A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.
He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.
Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.
He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.
He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.
'They're mating,' her father replied.
'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.
'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.
'So, the other one is a Mummy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute
And innocent question he replied,
'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'
'The little girl, looking a little puzzled,
Thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stamped them flat...
'Well, we're not having any of that poofta shit in our garden' she said.
Hassan and Habib are beggars.
They beg in different areas of Sydney.
Habib begs just as long as Hassan but only collects $2 to $3 every day.
Hassan brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Habib says to Hassan, 'I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 notes every day?'
Hassan says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say ?'
Habib's sign reads; 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'.
Hassan says, 'No wonder you only get $2- $3 !'
Habib says... 'So what does your sign say ?'
Hassan shows Habib his sign....
It reads: 'I only need another $10 to move back to Pakistan.'
Sitting together on a train travelling through the Swiss Alps, were a Kiwi guy, an Australian bloke, a little old Greek lady, and a young blonde Swiss girl with large breasts.
The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.
When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Kiwi has a bright red hand print on his cheek.
No one speaks.
The old lady thinks:
The Kiwi guy must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.
The blonde Swiss girl thinks:
That Kiwi guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek..
The Kiwi thinks:
The Aussie bloke must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.
The Aussie thinks:
I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack that F*** ing Kiwi again.