What's brown and rhymes with snoop?
Dr Dre
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What's brown and rhymes with snoop?
Dr Dre
Your so fucking gay i swear i can hear the buttsex from down here.
But I am pissing myself laughing......Gold.
An Israeli doctor said medicine in my country is so advanced we can take out a kidney from one man and put it in another and have him looking for work with in two weeks.
Thats nothing says a German doctor, we can take a lung from one man and put it in another and have him looking for work with in a week.
Thats nothing says the English doctor, we can take an arse hole from scotland, put it in 10 Downing street and have a whole country looking for work with in 24 hours.
A man walks in to a bar.
'A pint of anything but Stella, please'
Barman asks 'What's wrong with Stella ?'
'I had 12 pints of Stella last night and when I came round, I was
fucking skint !'
'12 pints of anything costs the same..............' commented the
Barman.
'Skint is my dog !' said the man
A lorry carring sheep crashed and turned over blocking the motorway..................latest police reports suggests the area is rammed
Another lorry crashed carrying a load of wigs..........................police are combing the area
And finally in the news today a police station in newquay cornwall was brocken into last night, the thiefs stole the toilets and urinals........................................... ...police say they have nothing to go on
what do you get when you cross an analist and a therapist?
an analrapist
What's the difference between Jam and Marmalade?
You can't marmalade your fist up a girls arse.
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said,
"Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started....
********
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'
And she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office!
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too'
And then the fight started.....
****
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'
And that's how the fight started ...
****
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'she's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started.....
****
I rear-ended a car this morning.
So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other
driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and
little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,
'I AM NOT HAPPY! !!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started.....
****
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first.
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And then the fight started.....
****
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's darn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.
While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Walter and his wife Ann, listened to the instructor declare :
'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other. '
He addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?'
Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently and whispered, ..........
'White Wings Self Raising isn't it Dear?'
And thus began Walter's life of celibacy.
Here are the winners of this year's Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which, once again, asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter and supply a new definition :
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who is both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7.Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
8.Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, righ t? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's, like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming
only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the
fruit you're eating.
The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are:
1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade, v, To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle n. A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon, n.A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish
men.
A new drug hit the market today for depressed lesbians, so far it has been an outstanding success.
This awesome and life saving drug is called Tridixagain.
I was watching this movie on the telly the other day and it was fucking awesome, I was really really getting into it when there was a knock at the door. I ignored it for a while cause i was really into this movie, but they just kept knocking. So pissed as hell cause I'm missing out on this brilliant movie I get up and go to the door. There's this woman at the door and and she looks at me and say's "Hi i'm doing a neighbourhood collection for the sperm bank".
Fuck didn't i give her a mouthfull.
lmao!
Abbo walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the
Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.
The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing. We've just got One in from a very wealthy man who wants a
chauffeur/bodyguard for his Nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided.. You also have to escort the young ladies on their Overseas holidays. The
Salary package is 200,000 a year'.
The Abbo said 'You're bullshitting me!'
The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!'
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep---not screeming, like the passengers in his car.
Wots the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts ?
beer nuts are $3.50 a pack and deer nuts are under a buck.....
I just got a new rolex from for my birthday from the lesbians next door................. I think they misunderstood me when i said i wanna watch..........................
One for Rod........
Statistically,six out of seven dwarves are not happy.
An Englishman is having breakfast in Paris one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The Englishman ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.
Frenchman: 'You English folk eat the whole bread??'
Englishman (in a bad mood): 'Of course.'
Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) 'We don't. In France , we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to England .' The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.
The Englishman listens in silence.
The Frenchman persists: 'Do you eat jam with the bread??'
Englishman: 'Of Course.'
Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).
'We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to England .'
After a moment of silence, The Englishman then asks: 'Do you have sex in France ?'
Frenchman: 'Why of course we do', he says with a big smirk.
Englishman: 'And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?'
Frenchman: 'We throw them away, of course.'
Englishman: 'We don't. In England , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France .'
:)
An Asian woman goes in to her local NAB Branch and begins exchanging her money.
After the transaction is complete she asks the teller 'Why it change, yesterday I get two hunat dollar for my money, today I only get hunat eighty?'
The teller looked over his glasses and says very slowly...."fluctuations".
The Asian woman narrows her eyes and says, "fluck you Aussies too"
STOP CHOKING - AUSSIE STYLE
A woman sitting in an Adelaide Pub suddenly began to cough. After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress, and two locals, Bluey and Bazza sitting at the next table turned to look at her.
Ken ya swaller? asked Bluey
The woman signalled 'No!', desperately shaking her head.
Kin ya breathe?' asked Bazza. The woman shook her head No!!!
With that, Bluey walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress, yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of her arse.
This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.
Bluey swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.
Bazza said in admiration 'Ya know Bluey, I'd heard of that bloody Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen somebody do it.'
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend to Husband and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend
In addition, Husband uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance and Personal Attention and then installed undesirable programs such as AFL; The Ashes; Football and Golf Clubs
Conversation no longer runs, and Housecleaning simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed, Desperate
.................................................. ....................
Dear Desperate,
First keep in mind, Boyfriend is an Entertainment Package, while Husband is an Operating System.
Please enter the command: 'http: I Thought You Loved Me.html' and try to download Tears and don't forget to install the Guilt update. If that application works as designed, Husband should then automatically run the applications Jewellery and Flowers.
But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband to default to Grumpy Silence, Happy Hour or Beer.
Beer is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).
Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband.
In summary, Husband is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.
We recommend Food and Hot Lingerie.
Good Luck, Tech Support
Keep your cursor OUT of the picture until you see the Whale.
Then move your mouse cursor onto the picture, but stand back, you might get wet (it's like it's 3D). Click on the picture when it loads completely and be sure that your sound is on
CLICK ON: http://www.toilette-humor.com/cartoon.html
Little Mark ON MATHS
A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?' She calls on little MARK.
He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'
The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'
Then little MARK says, 'I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'
To which Little MARK replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the Wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'
LITTLE MARK ON MATH (Part 2)
Little MARK returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic
'Why?' asks the father?
'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies MARK.
'But that's right!' says his dad.
'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''
'What's the f_cking difference?' asks the father
'That's what I said!'
LITTLE MARK ON ENGLISH
Little MARK goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'
MARK says 'M@s-tur-b@te.'
Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little MARK, that's a mouthful.'
Little MARK says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a bl@wjob.'
LITTLE MARK ON GRAMMAR
Little MARK was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a p_ss!!'
The teacher replied, 'Now, MARK, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urin@te.'
Please use the word 'ur-I-n@te' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow You to go.'
Little MARK, thinks for a bit, and then says, 'You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN !'
LITTLE MARK ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.
First, she called! On little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'
'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
'My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'
She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little MARK.
'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was Pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f_cking beautiful!''
LITTLE MARK ON GETTING OLDER
Little MARK was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said,
'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'
Little MARK replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old..'
The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'
Little MARK answered, 'No, he minded his own f_cking business.
Got bored and went through some of the emails in my funny folder
"thumbs up" :D
Yes but statistically six out of seven dwarves aren't grumpy either. ;)Quote:
quote:Originally posted by Docktor
One for Rod........
Statistically,six out of seven dwarves are not happy.
What pink and got 7 dints in it ??? .......................snow whites hymen
Bloke walks up to a woman at a bar
"Hi, whats your name"
"carmen" she replies
"Really, thats a nice name, why carmen?" he asked.
" well I named myself after 2 of my most favorite things in the whole world, cars, and men." she explained.
"oh I see" he says
"so whats your name" carmen asks the gentlemen.
"..... BEERCUNT! "
40 black fellers die in a bus crash and all rock up to the pearly gates, St peter says,
"woooh guys.. woah, I'v just got official word from God, he said he can only let half of you guys in, so sort it out amongst yourselves and I'll be back to take down the names of who you choose"
20min later St Peter fronts up to God "theyre gone!!"
"Who, the black fellers" asks God.
"Nah the fuckin gates!"
What do you call 100 black fellas rolling down a hill?
An abolanche
A man asked his wife "What would you do if we won lotto?"
The wife replied "I would take half and divorce you"
"That's good" he replied. "We won Division 4.
Here's $12.50 - now f@ck off"
I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirtyand sexy, so I suggested we meet up.She turned out to be an undercover detective.How cool is that at her age?!
I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up.She said I had to stop w-anking.When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"
I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. Imean, a ginger kid, with two friends?
A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a d!ldo flies out andthumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son'sinnocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was aninsect."To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the groundwith a cock like that."
I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed himin front of a steam train.He was chuffed to bits.
When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of thekids.Took her out with one punch.
My granddad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed."It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.
A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that hewas caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-olddaughter.Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they arebound to be curious about 5ex at that age.""Curious about 5ex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendixout!"
I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behinda gravestone. I said "morning."He replied, "No, just having a shit."
Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run aroundin.
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed.How could anyone stoop so low? I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on afifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"
theyre gold davio even my missus laughed so they must be fucken funny
What do you call a leb stuck between two walls?
Ali
What do you call a leb you rats on his mates?
Wazim
A guy was stranded on a desert island with Heidi Klum. Initially, he played it cool, not making any moves on her for several weeks. Finally, he asked her if they could start a physical relationship, so as to attend to each other's needs. Heidi was game and a very nice sexual relationship began.
After several months, the guy approached Heidi and said, "I have a problem… It's kind of a guy thing, but I need to ask you a favour." Heidi replied, "Okay," to which he asked, "Can I borrow your eyebrow pencil?" Heidi looked at him in confusion, but obliged.
The guy then asked, "Do you mind if I use the eyebrow pencil to draw a mustache on you?" Heidi was growing worried, but again obliged, so the guy drew a mustache on her.
Then the guy said, "Can you wear some of my clothes? I need for you to look more like a man." Heidi was becoming disappointed at this point, but hesitantly put on his clothes.
Finally, the guy said to Heidi, "Do you mind if I call you Phil?" Heidi had now become very dejected, and said "No, I guess not, you can call me Phil." So, the guy reached out and grabbed Heidi by the arms and shouted "Phil, you'll never believe who I'm fucking!!"
Whats pink and has 7 dints in it
Snow Whites hymen.
A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After
having great sex, she spent the next hour just scratching
his nuts-- something she seemed to love to do. As he was
enjoying it, he turned and asked her,
'Why do you love doing that?'
'Because,' she replied, 'I really miss mine.'
A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas dinner.
This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.
They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole.. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.
It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.
Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, 'Skippy!'.
The woman thought, 'This is great!' and a big smile came across her face.
A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.
This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrrrip.
The father again looked at the dog and yelled, 'Skippy!'
Once again the woman smiled and thought 'Yes!' A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it.
She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing.
Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, 'Skippy, get away from her, before she shits on you!'