Jokes

As SMSed to me by a mate:

Just pulled an abo out of my letterbox, I think some cunt is trying to blackmail me!

Scientists have now found that women are DNA linked to prawns, thier heads are full of shit, but their pink bits taste great!

The teacher asked if anyone in the class could use the word 'incompletely' in a sentence.

Johnny stood up and said, " When my balls touch my girlfriends arsehole, I know I am in completely"

Lmao wacky loved that one
J

BAHAHAHAHA!!!

Teacher asks class if anyone knows a sentence with the word contagious in it. Little johnny throws his arm up and shouts, " me and my dad were watching our old neighbour dig a hole and it took the cunt ages"

Teacher asks class if anyone knows a sentence with the word facinate in it. Little jonny throws up hia arm and says, "My coat has ten buttons but I can only fasten eight"

I went to get on a bus this morning and the pakistani driver said "im jampacked full" i said i dont care what your fuck'in name is,i just want to get on.

3 men where sitting in a pub, 1st man says i call my wife dove cause she's small and petite,2nd man say's i call mine flamingo,cause she's tall and slender,3rd man say's i call mine thrush cause she's a irritating cunt !

i was horrified to learn that donkeys where hung like niggers,What sick fuck would hang a donkey from a tree !

Three old men are sitting on a bench complaining about being old. The first guy says "my hands shake so bad I can no longer write my own name", the second guy says "my hands shake so bad, every morning when I try and drink my coffee I spill it all over my toast, it fucken drives me nuts", The third guy says " you guys have got it good, the other day I went to take a piss and ejaculated just trying to get my dick out !"

A man charges into a bank, wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun.
He shouts, "This is a raid - everyone get on the floor !!", and proceeds to empty the cash drawers.

As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his balaclava. The robber immediately shoots the customer and shouts, "Did anybody else here see my face ?"

The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and shoots him also.

"Did anybody else see my face ?" he shouts again, waving his gun around.

There is silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from a distant corner..

"I think my missus caught a glimpse !!"

Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day
To confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked
'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.
'Yes, I did.' he replied.

'My God, Bill, what happened?'

'I got fired.'
'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'
'Oh...she got fired too.'

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale: "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink."

They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female: "Lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore."

At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look", she said: "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

sounds like most women I've met bastard

90% of men will tell you the birth of your first child is the greatest thing you will ever witness.

Obviously they've never seen a coon get hit by a road train.....

I was walking down the street the other day and saw a family of coons on a pedestrian crossing get plowed down by a truck and i thought to myself fuck that could have been me .........


















I've got a truck license.

A twin-engine plane has one of its engines fail, altitude and air speed are rapidly decreasing ...


The pilot speaks over the intercom. "I'm sorry it had to come to this folks, but unfortunately
we're gonna have to jettison baggage in order for the aircraft to remain airborne."

Baggage is thrown out, but the plane's speed continues to decrease.

Again the pilot gets on the intercom; "I hate to have to do this, but now we're gonna have to
start off-loading passengers. The only fair way to do it is alphabetically, so we'll start with the letter 'A'

"Africans, any Africans on board?"


No one answers


"Ok then 'B'. "Black people, any black people?"

Again, silence
.
"C - Coloured people, any Coloured people on board?"

Silence.

A little black boy in the back turns to his mother. "But Mom, ain't we African?, ain't we Black?
Ain't we Coloured?"

Yes son, but for the purpose of this exercise we is Niggers.

Let dem Mexicans and Muslims go first.

I just spoke to a mate from the floods in Queensland. He said that since early this morning the water is nearly waist high, its pissing down outside & winds are near gale force strength. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window, just staring and crying. He says that if it gets much worse he may have to let her back inside.

...

Through work I was asked if I could help out with the flooding in Queensland. I said "Sorry mate, my hose only reaches to the end of the garden."


(sorry if this is too soon)

Iraq has offered to help out with the floods by sending thousands of towels. It's all they could think of off the top of their heads...

it's funny how you don't see tree huggers when there's bushfires and floods around...

Breaking News: 7 ute loads of Aboriginal Volunteers from the N.T. have just arrived in Ipswich to assist with the looting!

The missus was watching a cooking program the other day.


I said, "What you watching that for? You can't cook."


She said, "You watch porn."


Bitch.