Had a guy doorknocking today .
He asked me if i would like to contribute to the Pakistani floods .
I said " sorry mate but my hose only reaches the front fence " .
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Had a guy doorknocking today .
He asked me if i would like to contribute to the Pakistani floods .
I said " sorry mate but my hose only reaches the front fence " .
Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a Supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled, and asks: "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
The woman replies, "It's Keith. The midget."
Why are pirates called pirates?
Because they 'arrrrrrrrrr'
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the wife asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the husband replied, "in-laws."
After an excitingly hot 69 position with his girlfriend, Gary remembered he had a dentist appointment. He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times, used dental floss 8 times & on top of that gargled 1 litre of Listerine. As he arrived at the dentist he sucked 2 strong mints. His turn came up & the dentist told him to take a seat.
Feeling confident & relaxed, Gary opened his mouth wide.
The dentist got close enough & said, "Man, did you have 69 before you came here? "
Gary said, "Does my breath smell like pussy"?
The dentist replied, "No, your forehead smells like shit."
Haha, I just read this. Sept 19, gold...Quote:
quote:Originally posted by Tony Nitrous
Why are pirates called pirates?
Because they 'arrrrrrrrrr'
The TAX DEPARTMENT decided to audit Grandpa, and summoned him to the Tax Office. The Taxation Office Auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his solicitor.
The taxman says, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the Tax Department finds that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'
The taxman thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The taxman thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The taxman's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
Now the taxman can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned taxman now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's solicitor as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The taxman, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the tax man's desk.
The tax man leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win..
But Grandpa's own solicitor moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the taxman asks Grandpa's solicitor.
'Not really,' says the solicitor. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for a tax audit, he bet me $50,000 that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'
A couple take in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathtub but if she wanted to she could use a tin bath in front of the fire......
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.
The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday....
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said:
"Next Monday, don't go to darts. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself.."
So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?"
"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hair?"
"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she showed off her hairy muff.
When the girl went to bed the husband came in, and the wife asked: "Did you see it?"
"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."
"Why not?" she said. "You've seen it before."
"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!!"
The fact that I play darts on a Monday makes that even funnier.
Julia Gillard takes Oakeshott, Windsor and Wilkie for a celebration dinner at a big fancy restaurant in Canberra.
The waitress approached and asked "What would you like to order Ms. Gillard"?
She replied, "I would like a nice Australian beef fillet steak please"
The waitress said, "But Ms. Gillard, what about your vegetables"?
She replied, "They can order whatever they like"
A man went to the doctor's office to ask for a triple dose of Viagra.
The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a triple dose.
'Why not?' asked the man.
'Because it's not safe,' replied the doctor.
'But I need it really bad,' said the man.
'Well, why do you need it so badly?' asked the doctor.
The man said, 'My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday, my ex-wife will be here on Saturday and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I've got to have a triple dose.'
The doctor finally relented saying, 'All right, I'll give it to you, but
you have to come in Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects.'
On Monday afternoon the man dragged himself into the doctor’s office...his right arm in a sling.
The doctor asked, 'Good God! What happened to you?'
The man said, 'No one showed up!'
I've just been watching those Chilean miners on the TV.
I have to say- I haven't seen so many minors coming out of the ground
since they dug up Fred West's patio.
I live next door to an Arab couple and they have challenged me to a water fight in the back yard.
They have 3 little kids. So, I am writing this to kill time until the water boils.
I was at my bank today; there was a short line.
There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.
It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen.
Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"
I hear George Michael's has released a new single.
It's called "I've Dropped the Soap".
He's apparently had a surprise entry in the number two slot.
There's a new diet sweeping the Pakistani nation - Swimfast!
What do you call a pakistan flood survivor?
Mustapha Dingi.
Julia Gillard announced she is going to flush the Taliban out of Pakistan.
Bloody Hell! she's got friends in high places.
What do you get if you insert human DNA into a goat?
Banned from the petting zoo.
A fat women goes to the doctor and asks
"whats the easiest exercise I can do to lose weight"
He replies "Shake your head from side to side".
She asks "How often should I do this"
Doctor replies "everytime your offered food ya fat cow"
Wouldn't it be good to date a homeless woman ?
It wouldn't matter where you dropped them off at the end of the night !
Boom-Tish, thank you very much,
im here all week.
http://img39.imageshack.us/img39/1585/coatg.gif
JUST A TAP ON THE SHOULDER
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab.
Then, the still shaking driver said, 'Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.'
The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle the driver so badly.
The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my Fault Today is my very first day driving a cab . . . . . . . ..
I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years.'
Fact of life.
After Monday and Tuesday, even the calender sez W T F