Jokes

Paddy was walking along the street in Dublin when he rounds a corner and
there's a high rise building on fire.

Paddy being the kind-hearted Irishman, runs up to the building to see if he
can help and notices people trapped 5 stories up.

Paddy yells to the people 'I'm Patrick Sean Michael Fitzpatrick', the Irish
Rugby Union fullback, if you jump I'll catch you.

One lady, in desperation, jumps and sure enough Paddy catches her.

Then a man sees that Paddy catches the women and jumps. Sure enough Paddy
catches him safely.

Then a black man jumps out and falls to the ground, Paddy didn't even
attempt to catch him. Paddy looked up and yelled.

"Don't throw out the fooken' burnt ones!"

Bahahaha

An American man from Houston, a Canadian man from Vancouver, and a British man from London were all sitting in a train car with a very hot woman from France/Poland/Glorious Nippon/Finland. Suddenly, the car went through a pitch black tunnel, a loud SLAP was heard, and when the car emerged the American was painfully holding his hand to his cheek.

Immediately, the British man, picking up his newspaper with a smirk, thought "Why, I'll bet that dumb yankee touched that woman's breast, and she slapped him! Typical American, indeed."

The American, pulling out his iPod with a frown, thought "Goddamn, I'll bet that Brit touched that chicks boobs to make her think it was me, and then she slapped me! Typical fuckin Brit!"

The Canadian, looking out the window with a blank expression, thought "Man, I hope there's another tunnel coming up so I can smack that fuckin American again."

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to
live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.

She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and
brighten her teeth!

Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might
as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.

While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an
ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you
said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

God replied: "I didn't fucking recognize you."

A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her stammerers Action group. She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success.

Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said "If any of you can tell me the name of the town where you were born, without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water. So, who wants to go first ?"

The Englishman piped up.
"B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham", he said.

"That's no use, Trevor" said the speech therapist, "Who's next ?"

The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out "P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley".

That's no better.
There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish.

How about you, Paddy ?

The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out

" London ".

Brilliant, Paddy! said the speech therapist and immediately set
about living up to her promise.

After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for
breath and Paddy said

"-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry".

Now that PM Kevin Rudd has apologised to the Aboriginals, The Aboriginal union is meeting tomorrow to discuss ending their 220yr strike and returning to work...

A woman is in her doctor's office when she suddenly shouts out: "Doctor, kiss me!" The doctor says it would be against his code of ethics. Ten minutes later, the woman again shouts out: "Doctor, kiss me, just once!" The doctor refuses apologetically, saying as a doctor he can't kiss her. Another five minutes later, she asks again" Doctor, Doctor, kiss me just once!" "Look", says the doctor, "I am sorry, I just can't kiss you. In fact, I probably shouldn't even be fucking you."

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.

Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?" The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.

One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a Nicorette patch on it.

He looks at the other priest and says, "I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not

your penis".

The other one replies, "It's working just fine. I'm down

to two butts a day".

bwahahahahahahahahaha

I'v noticed ANYTHING BIKES (Businesses etc) with the word PRO in it are a bunch of fuckin shifty fuck bags..

Kristina Keneally, Frank Sartor and David Campbell were walking over a bridge.

Kristina trips and gets her head jammed between the railings.

Without a sideways glance, Frank pulls aside her G-String, and bonks her senseless!

He stands back and tells David "your turn".

Campbell bursts into tears.

"What's up?" asks Frank.

Campbell sobs, "My head won't fit through the railings!"

Kevin Rudd is in Israel on another overseas junket when he has a heart attack and dies. The Israeli President calls Australia to ask what they should do with the body. "We have 2 options" he explains; "We can hold a full State Funeral and bury him here for $5,000, or we can send him back to Australia, but this will cost $200 billion dollars".

"Well, we will have to raise taxes, cancel all unemployment benefits, halt infrastructure spending, and probably send the country into recession, but we still better have him sent home", the Aussie Ambassador says.

"Are you sure?" asks the Israeli President. "We are more than happy to bury him here and save your country from a recession. We could even waive the $5,000 fee".

"Positive" says the Aussie. "We read a book about a bloke you guys buried once who rose from the dead after 3 days. We just can't take that chance"...

A preacher said,
"Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed
over, please come forward to the front by the
altar."

With that, an
Aboriginal man got in line, and when
it was his turn, the Preacher asked,
"Mulrunji, what do you want me to pray about for
you?"

Mulrunji
replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help
with my
hearing."

The preacher put
one finger of one hand in Mulrunji’s
ear, placed his other hand on top of
Mulrunji’s head, and then prayed and prayed
and prayed.


He prayed a "blue
streak" for Mulrunji, and the whole congregation joined
in with great
enthusiasm.

After
a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood
back and asked, " Mulrunji,
how is your hearing
now?"

Mulrunji
answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til next
week."

It's a slow day in a dusty little Australian town. The sun is beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.
On this particular day a rich tourist from down south is driving through town, stops at the local motel and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.
The Owner gives him keys to a few rooms and as soon as the man walks upstairs, the owner grabs the $100 bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.
The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.
The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.
The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his drinks bill at the local pub.
The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on credit.
The hooker rushes to the motel and pays off her room bill to the motel owner with the $100 .
The motel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the rich traveler will not suspect anything.
At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, picks up the $100 bill, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.
No one produced anything. No one earned anything.
However, the whole town is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the Australian Government is conducting business today..

A professor at the Auburn University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks,
'How many people here believe in ghosts?'

About 90 students raise their hands.

Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'

About 40 students raise their hands.

That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'

About 15 students raise their hand.

Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'

Three students raise their hands.

That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'

Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'

The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'

Ahmed replied,
"Shit, from way back there I thought you said Goats."

It was the perfect day for drinking & fishing, but after a while I ran out of bait. Then a few feet up the shore I saw a snake with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bait. Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket. Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. After thinking about it for awhile, I had an idea: I grabbed my bottle of whiskey and poured a little in its mouth.

Sure enough, his eyes rolled back, he went limp, and I released him without incident. I carried on my fishing with the frog. Caught a big fish, too! A couple hours later I felt something brush my leg. I looked down and there was that same snake looking up at me. He had two frogs in his mouth.

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his
drive into the woods. Looking for his ball,
he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back,
a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball
beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from
the cart and poured it over the little guy,
reviving him.

'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.

'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.

'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square.
Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'

'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer
answers in relief. 'I don't want anything,
I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.'

And the golfer walks off.

'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself.

I have to do something for him. I'll give him
the three things I would want... a great golf game,
all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'

A year goes by and the golfer is back.
On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into
the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,
' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye,
how's yer golf game?'

'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers.
I'm an internationally famous golfer now.'
He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're
all right.'
'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer
golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money
situation?'

'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states.
'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket
and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!'

'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment,
and says shyly, 'It's OK.'

C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun,
'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job.
How many times a week?'

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers,
'Once, sometimes twice a week.'

'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock.
'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'

'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for
a Catholic priest in a small parish.'

Belated, but I've been away:

Adriana from Wheel of Fortune dies today from intestinal problems. Apparently her last words wer "Could I buy a bowel"...

Actually, I've decided to turm over a new leaf. I'm not going to make any more jokes about Adriana Xenides, because that would be _N_PR_PR__T_.

MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital .....

Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.