Jokes

As SMSed to me by a mate:

Just pulled an abo out of my letterbox, I think some cunt is trying to blackmail me!

Scientists have now found that women are DNA linked to prawns, thier heads are full of shit, but their pink bits taste great!

The teacher asked if anyone in the class could use the word 'incompletely' in a sentence.

Johnny stood up and said, " When my balls touch my girlfriends arsehole, I know I am in completely"

Lmao wacky loved that one
J

BAHAHAHAHA!!!

Teacher asks class if anyone knows a sentence with the word contagious in it. Little johnny throws his arm up and shouts, " me and my dad were watching our old neighbour dig a hole and it took the cunt ages"

Teacher asks class if anyone knows a sentence with the word facinate in it. Little jonny throws up hia arm and says, "My coat has ten buttons but I can only fasten eight"

I went to get on a bus this morning and the pakistani driver said "im jampacked full" i said i dont care what your fuck'in name is,i just want to get on.

3 men where sitting in a pub, 1st man says i call my wife dove cause she's small and petite,2nd man say's i call mine flamingo,cause she's tall and slender,3rd man say's i call mine thrush cause she's a irritating cunt !

i was horrified to learn that donkeys where hung like niggers,What sick fuck would hang a donkey from a tree !

Three old men are sitting on a bench complaining about being old. The first guy says "my hands shake so bad I can no longer write my own name", the second guy says "my hands shake so bad, every morning when I try and drink my coffee I spill it all over my toast, it fucken drives me nuts", The third guy says " you guys have got it good, the other day I went to take a piss and ejaculated just trying to get my dick out !"

A man charges into a bank, wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun.
He shouts, "This is a raid - everyone get on the floor !!", and proceeds to empty the cash drawers.

As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his balaclava. The robber immediately shoots the customer and shouts, "Did anybody else here see my face ?"

The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and shoots him also.

"Did anybody else see my face ?" he shouts again, waving his gun around.

There is silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from a distant corner..

"I think my missus caught a glimpse !!"

Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day
To confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked
'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.
'Yes, I did.' he replied.

'My God, Bill, what happened?'

'I got fired.'
'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'
'Oh...she got fired too.'

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale: "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink."

They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female: "Lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore."

At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look", she said: "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

sounds like most women I've met bastard

90% of men will tell you the birth of your first child is the greatest thing you will ever witness.

Obviously they've never seen a coon get hit by a road train.....

I was walking down the street the other day and saw a family of coons on a pedestrian crossing get plowed down by a truck and i thought to myself fuck that could have been me .........


















I've got a truck license.

A twin-engine plane has one of its engines fail, altitude and air speed are rapidly decreasing ...


The pilot speaks over the intercom. "I'm sorry it had to come to this folks, but unfortunately
we're gonna have to jettison baggage in order for the aircraft to remain airborne."

Baggage is thrown out, but the plane's speed continues to decrease.

Again the pilot gets on the intercom; "I hate to have to do this, but now we're gonna have to
start off-loading passengers. The only fair way to do it is alphabetically, so we'll start with the letter 'A'

"Africans, any Africans on board?"


No one answers


"Ok then 'B'. "Black people, any black people?"

Again, silence
.
"C - Coloured people, any Coloured people on board?"

Silence.

A little black boy in the back turns to his mother. "But Mom, ain't we African?, ain't we Black?
Ain't we Coloured?"

Yes son, but for the purpose of this exercise we is Niggers.

Let dem Mexicans and Muslims go first.

I just spoke to a mate from the floods in Queensland. He said that since early this morning the water is nearly waist high, its pissing down outside & winds are near gale force strength. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window, just staring and crying. He says that if it gets much worse he may have to let her back inside.

...

Through work I was asked if I could help out with the flooding in Queensland. I said "Sorry mate, my hose only reaches to the end of the garden."


(sorry if this is too soon)

Iraq has offered to help out with the floods by sending thousands of towels. It's all they could think of off the top of their heads...

it's funny how you don't see tree huggers when there's bushfires and floods around...

Breaking News: 7 ute loads of Aboriginal Volunteers from the N.T. have just arrived in Ipswich to assist with the looting!

The missus was watching a cooking program the other day.


I said, "What you watching that for? You can't cook."


She said, "You watch porn."


Bitch.

Quote:

---

quote:Originally posted by Shadowzone


Breaking News: 7 ute loads of Aboriginal Volunteers from the N.T. have just arrived in Ipswich to assist with the looting!

---

I don't think there would be enough long grass left standing in Ipswich to accomodate 150:D

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,
'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each
other outside the operating room---the first surgeries of the day.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a
little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done
when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give
you lots of Jell-O and Ice Cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

"Whoa!" the second kid replies. "Good luck buddy. I had that done when
I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."

A rare occurrence

There was a knock on the door this morning,

I opened it and there was a young bloke standing there who said:

"I'm a Jehovah's Witness".

I said "Come in and sit down, what do you want to talk about"?

He said, " F****d if I know I've never got this far before"

A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the channel said. "A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do".
--
I walked past an Aboriginal sitting on the ground this arvo and he asked, "Any change mate?" I said no, you're still black.
--

A woman goes to Doctor with a bit of lettuce hanging from her crotch,
Doc says "that looks nasty,"
"Nasty she says, that's just the tip of the iceberg."

I was walking down the street today and saw a nigger carrying a plasma TV, I thought it looked familiar until I remembered mine was at home shining my shoes.

I recently got a job in a music store when an abo walked in and asked if we had anything by the doors I said "a camera and two security guards now fuck off"






Why is it when you see a blonde girl eating a banana you think of porn but when you see a black girl eating a banana you think of the discovery channel ????

A wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the
car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but
don't wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,

'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?

My daughter just walked into the living room and said



"Dad cancel my allowance, rent out my room, throw all my clothes out of the window,

take my TV, stereo, iPhone and jewelry to the charity shop.

Sell my car, take my door keys and throw me out of the house".





Well she didn't actually put it like that... she said... "Dad this is my new boyfriend, Mohamed."

Quote:

---

quote:Originally posted by Tony Nitrous

My daughter just walked into the living room and said



"Dad cancel my allowance, rent out my room, throw all my clothes out of the window,

take my TV, stereo, iPhone and jewelry to the charity shop.

Sell my car, take my door keys and throw me out of the house".





Well she didn't actually put it like that... she said... "Dad this is my new boyfriend, Mohamed."

---

BWWWHAHAHAHAH.

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

'You know what?' says the 7 year old, 'I think it's about time we

started swearing.'

The 4 year old nods his head in approval, so the 7 year old says, 'When

we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after

me, ok?'

'Ok' the 4 year old, agrees with enthusiasm..

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants

for breakfast.

'Oh, shit mum, I don't know, I suppose I'll have some Coco Pops'

WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got

up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, ' And what do

YOU want for breakfast, young man?'

'I don't know,' he blubbers, 'but it won't be fucking Coco Pops'

.

lmfao tony i like that one and so did my mum

Anal sex is a lot like spinach. If your forced to have it as a kid, chances are youre not gunna like it as an adult.

I had to cancel my trip to Christchurch next week because my accomodations fallen through.

Why aren't the Kiwi's upset about the earthquake? All the sheep are vibrating.

A sniffer dog set off the alert of life over the rubble of one of Christchurch's best known and popular brothel's. Fortunately 9 sheep were saved...

a new priest asks a parishioner if she likes his sermons.
- amazingly! i have to confess, we'd known nothing about a sin, before you arrived!

Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson are sitting and smoking ganja
- listen Watson! What a strange name of yours - Doctor?

either i was kicked in the head by a horse... or i have nfi about those last two...


Q. Which is the odd one out: a woman, a microwave or a fridge?
A. The microwave, the other two leak when they’re fucked.

I don't think they translated so well into english, but I couldn't work them out either

sorry i cant put in ur heads wat yas missed in the past... let me guess no reading books no watching movies?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sherlock_Holmes
http://www.imdb.com/find?s=all&q=Sherlock+Holmes
http://www.sherlock-holmes.co.uk/