Jokes

Testicle Therapy


Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in
horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men
playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin,
fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately
began to apologise. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a
Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd
allow me', she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the
man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position,
still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side,
loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several
long moments and asked, 'How does that feel?'

He replied, 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!'

Why don't women ride motorcycles?


Because there is no bitumen between the sink and the washing machine

LOL Timbo!

I'm facebooking the SHIT out of that joke - take that bitches

/nerd spasm

An Irishman is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He immediately dials 999.

Irishman: ''It's my wife! I've accidentally shot her, I've killed her!''

Operator: ''Please calm down Sir, can you first make sure she is actually dead!''

*click* *BANG*

Irishman: ''Okay, done that. What next?''

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perked up and said, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'

'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.'

'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,'
said the woman..'

'What a coincidence!' said the farmer.

As they clinked glasses he added, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence!' said the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled, clinked his glass again and said, 'What a coincidence!'

After his exam the doctor asked the elderly man: "You appear to be in
good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me?"

"In fact I do" said the old man "After my wife and I have sex I am usually

cold and chilly, and after we have sex the 2nd time, I’m usually hot and sweaty."



Later, after examining the elderly gentleman's wife, the doctor said:
Everything appears fine. Do you have any medical concerns you would
like to discuss with me?" She replied she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then told her: "Your husband had an unusual concern.

He claims he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first
time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh that crazy old fart," she replied.

"That's because the 1st time is usually in July and the 2nd is in January."

There's an email doing the rounds that has the heading: "Nude photo of Julia Gillard inside!"

It's a trick! DO NOT OPEN IT!

There's a nude photo of Julia Gillard inside.

A 5 year old's first job...




Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.








A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew began to build a house on the empty lot.




The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in the goings-on and spent much of each
day observing the workers.




Eventually the construction crew, all of them 'gems-in-the-rough,' more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her during coffee and lunch breaks and gave her
little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.




At the end of the first week, they even
presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars 'pay' she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.




When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.




The little girl proudly replied, 'I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us.'




'Oh my goodness gracious,' said the teller, 'and will you be working on the house again this week, too?'




The little girl replied, 'I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fuckin' sheet rock.'




Kind of brings a tear to the eye - doesn't it?

This letter was sent to the Lions Bay School Principal's office
after the school had sponsored a luncheon for seniors.

An elderly lady won a new radio as a door prize and was writing to say thank you.
This story is a credit to all humankind. For anyone who might need a lift today -


Dear Lions Bay School ,

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your Senior Citizens luncheon.

I am 84 years old and live at the West Vancouver Home for the Aged.
All of my family has passed away.

I am all alone and I want to thank you for the kindness shown to a forgotten old lady.

My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.

She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to fuck off.

Thank you for that opportunity.
Sincerely,

Edna

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later.'

The nun agreed.

A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier?'

The nun replied, 'He went that way..'

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq ...'

The nun said, 'I understand completely.'

The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'

The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either.'

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello.

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me?'
To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

Instantly, his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife.

He says 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly.................

"No................................................ ................

I'm your son's mathematics teacher."

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last. Date: 2009-05-27, 1:43 A M EST. I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend’s purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I’d like to apologize for your embarrassment, I didn’t expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 A CP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head … isn’t it! I know it probably wasn’t fun walking back to wherever you’d come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I’m sure it was even worse walking bare footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

After I called your mother, or “Momma” as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you’d done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as four other people’s in the gas station on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful! I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go’s, along with all the cash in you r wallet. [That made his day!] I then threw your wallet into the big pink “pimp mobile” that was parked at the curb … after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver’s side of the car.

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what’s going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA’s office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.). In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you … but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider the career path you’ve chosen to pursue in life.
Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours,
Bill

gold

see, guns ARE a laughing matter..!

That funny shit!!!

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day.


Mick, the bartender says, ' You'll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy.

Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then.'

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.

'Shoite' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.

He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, 'Shoite, Shoite!'

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.

He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame.

He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face..

I'm fockin' focked,' he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No fockin' way'.

He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed.'

He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.

He says 'Fock it' and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?'.

Paddy says, 'I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?'

'Mick phoned... you left your wheelchair at the pub!'

^^ That had me gigling like a school boy for ages. :D

I've been arrested 3 times this week for knocking out the wife. The police asked me why I keep beating her, and I replied: I'd say it's because I have a significant weight advantage, longer reach and better footwork!

40 Aboriginals arrive at the Pearly Gates
St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God, saying.

'I've got 40 Aboriginals here.

Can I let them in?'

God says
'We are over the quota on Abo’s.
Go back to the gates and tell them to choose
between them which are the 12 most worthy, and I will let just the dozen in.'

Less than a minute later, St Peter is on the phone to God again.

'They're gone', he tells God.

'What?' says God, 'All 40 of them?'



'No, the fuckin gates'.