Hospital stories

[Lucas]

Anyone got some good hospital stories etc?


A bloke I knew a few years back used to work as a wardie in a little rural hospital. A bloke was brought in with his dick stuck in a dead wombat. After a little questioning his only excuse was that he'd been in a car accident and he was thrown out through the windscreen, his pants were pulled down on the glass and he landed on a wombat.

[Docktor]

http://digitaldreamdoor.nutsie.com/pages/quotes/er-stories.html

[Lucas]

COUPLE IN THE NEXT BOOTH!

A couple hobbled into a Washington State emergency room covered in bloody restaurant towels. The man had his hands around his abdomen and the woman had hers around her head. They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man. While in the act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on the man's penis and wrench it from side to side. In agony and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head until she let go.





Fucking Gold

[uncle pervy]

my old man used to work at charlie gardiner hospital, told us a couple.
this bloke caught the bus into emergency one night wrapped in a blanket, he wouldn't say a word till they took him into a
examination room. he told the doctor to send the nurse out before he'd open the blanket. doctor did and then opened the blanket
to find the guy's pet cat, stiff as a board stuck on his dick. seems when he stuck his dick in the cat it siezed up and he couldn't get it off.
'nother guy cam in with a broomstick stuck up his arse. had a nail in the stick, it went in ok but the nail was angled back and
prevented him from pulling the stick back out.

[uncle pervy]

the cats toy, now thats brings tears to my eye's on sooo many levels. hahahahahaha

[Azrael]

This is an email rant i wrote for os mates in dec07 the day after knee surgury at charlies..

In the innumerable times I’ve been admitted to hospitals one certainty I have always been very aware of, and find kind of amusing, is that u leave your dignity at the door. Ok, here’s a rundown on last week’s knee operation. Admitted myself at 11am, was alone naked and mostly shaved by 1102. 1103 hooray, supplied with an ill fitting gown that doesn’t even come close to covering my arse. 1105 instructed to put underwear back on as I was making everyone feel ill. 1110, placed in bed and wheeled into pre op while being asked which leg, my full name and the precise time of my last crap over and over until they were certain I wasn’t getting myself confused with bob the kidney transplant guy who last crapped in the car on the way in.. Now in pre theatre I’m greeted with a small room full of nice people who want to keep me alive and study my breathing under anaesthetic which involves sticking metal probes through both of my chins into the bottom of my tongue, sticking tubes up my nose to the back of my throat and covering me in sticky things for the beep machine. At this point I have more tubes and needles in me than I care to think about and still haven’t had anaesthetic, or a beer, and I’m running out of bad jokes to hide the fear and pain. Now my surgeon arrives, draws all over my leg and instructs them to put me to sleep. My anaesthetist is one humourless bastard, but as he turned on the machine to inject me I asked him “how many anaesthetists does it take to change a light bulb” and he looked at me and said “dunno, how many?” and then I passed out.
When I came to I noticed several things had changed in the 5 and a half hours I was unconscious, the tubes from my face were gone as were my underpants, there were new tubes in my hip and despite looking like a down syndrome Sean Penn I couldn’t help but feel I’d just spent the last 5 and a half hours being tea bagged by a team of med students. Post op nurses don’t fuck around, they get u awake and demand you pee for them like you are their trained pet. “Hey easy lady I just woke up” GIVE ME YOUR PEE! No seriously it’s scary. The only thing that gave me a bit of grace was some visitors and a shift change. Hooray, hot young blonde not so scary nurse! “GIVE ME YOUR PEE” oh...
When you are threatened with a catheter your body does two things, firstly your genitals try to evade detection by retracting in a manner not unlike a snail going into its shell leaving the appearance of the last thawed turkey in the shop, secondly u suddenly feel the need to pee. Well that is unless they have inadvertently anaesthetised your bladder with a sciatic nerve block in your hip. I have to give the poor girl credit she gave me more chances to pee than I would’ve given her..um..yeh.. Eventually came the sound of the rubber gloves snapping over dainty wrists and the wobble of a trolley wheel as she came around the curtain. First class ticket to hell please! She was surprisingly gentle sticking a needle in to local it first and who knew you could be aroused without having any feeling in that area? News to me, I couldn’t even watch, but she made a friend that day, well until the tube hit my bladder, not only is the thought of what’s happening somewhat nauseating but the pain can best be described as white.. I mean who needs a bladder right? There’s a bit of analogue technology that should go the way of the appendix. Surely we’d all be better of walking round with a fucking great tube sticking out. My dad had my tear ducts sewn shut a birth but I’m almost positive that wasn’t sweat running down my cheeks. After finally giving up the goods I fall asleep. Midnight, I suddenly become aware of various new pains and machines behind me making bad sounds, people come from everywhere, my bed sheet is whisked away and again I’m naked in front of a room full of strangers. This time I have a large lump in my hip that wasn’t previously there, a hose hanging out dripping clear stuff and some blood here and there, my blood pressure has plummeted and it has to be seen to be believed the amount of people taking an interest in the proceeding’s at this hour of the night. Whatever is wrong with me the anaesthetist decides to pull tubes out of my hip, shoot me full of oxycontin followed with a push button morphine chaser, while a nurse takes my blood pressure every ten minutes for the next two hour while another sits and holds my feet monitoring pulse and temperature, I know what you’re thinking and yes she deserves a medal.
I don’t sleep all night.
I doze off from 6 till about 730 when my surgeon and anaesthetist come poke me and ask the answer to the light bulb joke. I vehemently deny all knowledge of the joke or the answer and laugh quietly as they walk off annoyed. Hospital breakfast to a throat that’s had a trachea tube in it for 5 hrs is a little like swallowing arse flavoured broken glass but you eat it anyway because you’re so hungry even the prunes look delicious..
Over breakfast I get to know the two elderly women across from me, one has just had a breast removed due to cancer, the other part of her brain due to cancer. They make me laugh a lot at the stories of the nites events, kindly inform me that there are other names for the body parts dick, fanny, arse, cunt, loveplums, mangina and rusty bullet hole, who knew? Not to mention cheer when I finally pee without the catheter. They are both up and about and happy and smiling, unfuckenbelievable. My drugs are wearing off fast an I’ve had the Iv removed so I can be discharged, here comes the pain, nothing makes you feel like a bigger poof than seeing a couple of old ducks dealing with cancer like it was a night in the Hilton. I don’t dare say a word about pain, I just sat there.
The nurse notices my quiet grimace and I’m given more drugs, good ones, ones good enough to have me rowing my bed while being pushed down to x-ray....
I say my goodbyes an get the fuck out of there...home...to beer..real medicine..
Now although I’m not sending a clip with this and it is the literary equivalent of gift wrapping a fart, it’s all I could think of to get you all for Christmas. So enjoy, and remember, it could be worse..

[Lucas]

Thats tops AZ

[Gix11]

Those drugs that make you row the bed to X-ray are great hey?

My mates a nurse and had a whole heap of stories to tell me but after telling me the tale of a Barbie Doll that went up this blokes arse head first and wouldn't come out because the doll's arms kept spreading when they tried to pull it out (apparently he fell on it when vacuuming naked ?!?) I decided I'd heard enough.

[Ross_247]

quote:Originally posted by Gix11

Those drugs that make you row the bed to X-ray are great hey?

My mates a nurse and had a whole heap of stories to tell me but after telling me the tale of a Barbie Doll that went up this blokes arse head first and wouldn't come out because the doll's arms kept spreading when they tried to pull it out (apparently he fell on it when vacuuming naked ?!?) I decided I'd heard enough.


hahaha... farken hell.. thats some funny shit

"fell on it when vacuming naked.." hahah not a bad excuse

[Lucas]

as distrubing as that sounds Si, it pretty funny.

My old man worked in a morgue in the early 70's. He told me about a couple that were brought in after a car crash. He'd bled out and she'd choked to death. She was giving him head and he hit a power pole. I'm sure you can figure out the rest.

[pt]

Have lots, just organise a beer(or other intoxicating substance) and i'll tell you some. Always getting more too.

[Lucas]

I'm sure that can be arranged now thet you're in Canberra pt

[ralph]

It took em fuckin ages to get that wombat off my dick

[TurboKat]

I had an operation to screw & plate my left ankle & lower tib & fib back together after a 'Sorry mate, I didn't see you' moment, general anasthetic of course.
I woke up in post op in more intense pain than I'd ever experienced & nurse cunthole comes over all pissed off wanting to know why I called for her.
"I'm sure I shouldn't be in so much pain" I say (having had a similar op a year or so before)
"Of course it's going to hurt" she says, "You've just had 3 hours of surgery"
"Yeah but I'm sure it's not sposed to hurt this much"
I can't remember exactly what she said but it was along the lines of 'Serves you right for riding motorcycles' Then the fucking shitstain bitch just walked off.
After what seemed like forever lying on the gurney writhing in pain, they wheeled me to my room where I lay for another couple of hours in agony until a Quack came in to ask the cursory "How're you feeling?" I'm sweating like fuck from the pain that I deserve for being a Motorcyclist so I ask him "Why am I in so much pain?" He goes to the end of the bed, looks at the chart, the smile on his face drops & he disappears for a few minutes & returns with nurse cunthole, shows her the chart & angrily asks her "Why hasn't this patient been administered any post operative pain medication?"
"I... aaah... errr... I..." The fucking slag whore 'Forgot' to give me morphine after the op didn't she? I'll never know if she did it on purpose or not but I suspect she did because of her obvious disdain for bike riders.
Needless to say I was high as a kite within minutes... what pain?
The next day my girlfriend came in to visit me & showed me the chart which had hand written at the bottom - 'Patient has a very high pain tolerence threshold'
I got her to cross it out.

[sharky]

quote:'Patient has a very high pain tolerence threshold'
I got her to cross it out.

So the moral of the story is.......that Tk is a big girls blouse ;) [B)]

[Gsxar]

Yeah spending most of AFR in Casino hospital, with a nurse who hated motorbike me KEPT making the fact known! and why? all cause a doctors fucked up in the 1st place and has left bits of metal in my stomach.
Taking my bike all the way up there to not even ride her:(:( sulk ova:D

[Billy Bob]

My Sister inlaw works at St George private Hospital in Sydney she was telling us about a story of a bike rider that went to buy some hot chips and calamari, he unzipped his jacket put it up against his chest then zipped it back up for the ride home, on the way home a little old lady pulled out in front of him and he T boned her. He got rushed to said Hospital in a serious condition. While he was out to it my sister in law and lots of other staff were having a bit of a laugh when they noticed circular burn marks over his chest and one was perfectly around his tit. so other than being fucked up from the car he had third degree burns from chips and calamari.

[336LJ]

quote:Originally posted by Billy Bob

My Sister inlaw works at St George private Hospital in Sydney she was telling us about a story of a bike rider that went to buy some hot chips and calamari, he unzipped his jacket put it up against his chest then zipped it back up for the ride home, on the way home a little old lady pulled out in front of him and he T boned her. He got rushed to said Hospital in a serious condition. While he was out to it my sister in law and lots of other staff were having a bit of a laugh when they noticed circular burn marks over his chest and one was perfectly around his tit. so other than being fucked up from the car he had third degree burns from chips and calamari.


ahah lucky my brother didnt have a stack, he rocked up to our place, unzipped his jacket and pulled out about 5 huge slabs of plastic wrapped steak and sausages from the butchers.

Speaking of butchery.. I don't have any real traumatic hospital stories.. but 8 weeks ago my missus shat out a kid after a 40hr labour... I will never look at the kill floor of a meatworks the same ever again. fuck me its like a horror movie

[Fight_fan]

quote:Originally posted by 336LJ
8 weeks ago my missus shat out a kid


So I take it u got a darkie than mate? :D [B)]