a few funnies ..

[Jockney Rebel]

Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the engines of airliners and military jets, all travelling at maximum velocity. The idea was to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the containment and strength of the engines.

American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the engines of their aircraft. Arrangements were made and a gun was sent to the American engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers watched in shock as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the compressor face, smashed it to smithereens, totally destroying the engine.

The horrified Americans sent Rolls Royce the film of the disastrous results of the experiment, and begged the British engineers for suggestions.

Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:

Defrost the chicken.

[Jockney Rebel]

How To Shower Like a Woman

Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry
basket according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to
do more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower.

Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mold spots with Tile cleaner.

Get out of shower.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas.



How To Shower Like a Man



Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.

Get in the shower.

Wash your face.

Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair.

Make a Shampoo Mohican

Wee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.

Admire willy size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

[Jockney Rebel]

A BOTTLE OF WINE
>
> A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold
> Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally
> demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.. God works in
> mysterious ways.
>
> After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women
> drivers; the woman says, 'So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a
> woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're
> unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be
> friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days'.
>
> Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this
> must be a sign from God! But your still at fault...women shouldn't be
> allowed to drive.'
>
> The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car
> is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely
> God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.'
>
> Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement,
>
> opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back
> to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the
> cork back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, 'Aren't
> you having any?'
>
> The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police....'
>
> MORAL OF THE STORY:
>
> Women are clever, evil bitches.
> Don't mess with us.