Jokes

[Bear]

Two Mexicans are lost in the desert. They see a tree
in the distance. As they get nearer they see its draped
with rasher upon rasher of juicy bacon.
"Hey Pepe", says the first man.
"Ees a bacon tree, we're saved!"
Then he runs to the tree but is gunned down
in a hail of bullets.

"What happened?" shouts Pepe. With his last breath,
his friend shouts "Run amigo, ees not a bacon tree.
Ees a ham bush

[JackTar]

I don't think I will be able to stop cringing Bear.

[Azrael]

Oh god thats bad..

[Jockney Rebel]

tits and toys ;designed for kids but played with by dads

[Cruisecontrol]

That is a vagina, is it not, Jim?

[Weaselman]

who cares

Poor joke Bear you will be punished with cheese

[Jockney Rebel]

quote:Originally posted by Cruisecontrol

That is a vagina, is it not, Jim?
,,could be as well ..:D

[Bear]

:D

[motogp_nut]

Bear, you're full of cheese. And corn. Cheesy corn. :D

[kevkatana]

http://www.streetfighters.com.au/forum/upload/21143004021078.jpg

[EFE 1230]

What's the difference between little boys and little girls?






Nothing when you lie them face down!!!

[Fight_fan]

quote:Originally posted by EFE 1230

What's the difference between little boys and little girls?






Nothing when you lie them face down!!!



Ohh thats bad! Ur out for 10 Mike! [V]

;)

[881052gixxr]

man drives up to a primary school opens the door n says to a little boy
"i will give you a lollie if you come in my car."
the little boy replies "screw that mister if you gimmie the whole bag n i will come on your face."

[Bear]

To the citizens of the United States of America

from Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II




Greetings to you, my subjects.



In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates
for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give
notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You
should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)



Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over
all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does
not fancy).



Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America
without the need for further elections.



Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated
next year to determine whether any of you noticed.



To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules
are introduced with immediate effect:



-----------------------

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' favour,'
'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut'
without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by
the suffix '-'ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary
to acceptable levels (you might want to look up 'vocabulary').

------------------------

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as
''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. There is no such thing as U.S .English. We will let Microsoft
know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

-------------------

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

-----------------

4.You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or
therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that
you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for
shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or
speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

----------------------

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more
dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you
wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

----------------------

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start
driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will
go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion
tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the
British sense of humour.

--------------------

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
It's all your blasted fault the prices are so high here.

-------------------

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are
not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are
properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and
dressed not with ketchup but with vinegar.

-------------------

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer
at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer,
and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as
Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound
the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer.
They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.
American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all
can be sold without risk of further confusion.

---------------------

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good
guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English
characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four
Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed
with a cheese grater. Ditto Kevin Costner as Robin Hood.

---------------------

11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of
proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in
time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American
football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or
wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

---------------------

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of
America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your
borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will
let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their
deliveries.

--------------------

13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

-----------------

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies
due (backdated to 1776).

---------------

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups and saucers,
and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (not cookies) and cakes; plus
strawberries (with cream) when in season.

--------------

God Save the Queen!

[Bear]

Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque.
They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside.

[Bear]

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender."Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy."

That little O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy. "A shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.""Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?"

That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's bussom, and a thing of beauty it was, but utterly useless in a fight."

[motogp_nut]

A farmer in Queensland had owned a large property for several years. There was a dam in one of the lower paddocks where the farmer had planted mango and avocado trees. The dam had been fixed up for swimming when it was built and also had some picnic tables placed nearby in the shade of the fruit trees.

One evening the farmer decided to go down to the dam to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while, and on his way down grabbed a ten litre bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the dam he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he got closer the farmer saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his dam. He called out to the women to make them aware of his presence, and they all swam to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'

The farmer frowned and said, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the dam naked...'

Holding the bucket up, 'I'm here to feed the crocodile.'

[motogp_nut]

Smart-arse answer #5
It was mealtime during a flight on Alaska Airlines. 'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.

Smart-arse answer #4
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.'

Smart-arse answer #3
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'


Smart-arse answer #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, 'Low Bridge Ahead.'
Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up.
The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.'

Smart-arse answer #1
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and says, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

[Jockney Rebel]

cop waiting by the road all day for a speeder finally sees abike racing down the highway,
he pulls the guy over and says to him ina sneering voice "ive bin waiting all day for one of u fuckers to show up"
towit the biker replies "well i got here as fast as i could"

[Fish]

60 year old bloke reliving his youth goes out and buys a busa. gets it out on the freeway and decides to wind it up a little, he's travelling at 200 and notices the bacon with lights on behind him so he winds it out a bit further. he eventually stops and the copper says "mate why are you going so fast and why didn't you pull over when you first saw me?". The old bloke says "Mate my bitch Ex wife left me for a copper and i though you were trying to give her back".

[Bear]

Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so, of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man standing there.
'Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night... Thought you might like to come. About 5.00?'
'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.'
As Lars is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you......be some drinkin'.'
'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em.'
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. 'More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too.'
'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there. Thanks again.'
'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'
'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?'
'Don't much matter ..... Just gonna be the two of us.'

[Bear]

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes.
We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.
My dad kept staring at him.
The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

"Got drunk once and f**ked a peacock.I was just wondering if you were my son."

[Weaselman]

LOL

[boris]

yeah bear cheech and chong
what does a 9 volt battery and a womans asshole have in common
you know it's wrong but sooner or later you're gonna put your tongue on it

[boris]

a little girl goes to the barbers with her dad and is standing next to him eating a cake while he's getting his hair cut, the barber says" you're gonna get hair on your muffin little lady" and she says "I know, I'm gonna get tits too you dirty old bastard"

[336LJ]

Aboriginal girl is gettin ready to go to her first party,
her mum says: "ok, now remember, those boys are all going to want to put there prized posessions where you piss"
Daughter asks: "why the fuck would they want to put their thongs in the sink?"

How is a woman like a KFC 2 piece feed?

When you're finished with the breast and the thigh all you have left is a greasy box to throw your bone into

[boris]

2 bikies sitting at the bar having a beer first bikie asks" how's that new missus of yours?' The second says "I fucked her off mate" first says "WTF she was fucking hot as mate why?" second "went out the other morning to piss in the kitchen sink and the dirty bitch hadn't even done the dishes"

[Jockney Rebel]

Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today,
I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.'

The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today.
When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex..
That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.'

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You Say and I feel Great.
I be at work soon...... 'You got nice house'.

[CBRRRT]

Little boy on his way home from school is nearly hit by a welders mask and leather apron as they fly off the back of a pickup truck going round the corner.

The little boy thinks "Cool I can pretend to be a welder" and puts on the mask and leather apron.

As he starts off on his way home, a pedophile pulls up beside him in his car and asks the lad if he would like a lift home, and the young lad jumps in and says "Thanks Mr"

As they travel along the road the pedo asks the boy if he knows what a penis is.

The boy says "Well not realy, no"

The pedo then asks the lad if he knows what buggery is.

The boy is growing a little uneasy and says to the pedo, "Not to sure about that one Mr"

The guy then asks the boy if he knows what a Pedophile is.

The boy says to the pedo "Look mate I gotta come clean, I'm not a real welder"

[CBRRRT]

Q: What type of file do you need to make a hole from this big..... 'o' to this big..... 'o'

A: A Pedophile.

[Bear]

Two Gay Guys are walking through a zoo.

They come across the gorilla and notice that the male gorilla has a massive erection.

The gay men are fascinated by this.

One of the men just can't bear it any longer, and he reaches into the cage to touch it.

The gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage and mates with him for six hours, non-stop, while the zoo attendants helplessly stand by.

When he's done, the gorilla throws the man out of the cage.

An ambulance is called and the man is taken away to the hospital.

A few days later, his friend visits him in the hospital and asks, 'Are you hurt?'

'AM I HURT?' he shouts,
'Wouldn't you be? He hasn't called....he hasn't written....'

[Bear]

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood & began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to p*ss off & let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.
'OK, follow me', he said & flew out of the cave with hundreds of excited bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river & into a huge forest. Finally he slowed down & all the other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood. 'Do you see that large oak tree over there?' he asked.
'YES, YES, YES!!!' the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
'Good for you!' said the bat, 'because I f*cking didn't.'

[CBRRRT]

Simple Simon met a Pie Man going to the fair.

Said simple Simon to the Pie man 'What have you got there'[:p]

Said the Pie Man to simple Simon 'Pies you thick cunt':(

[Jockney Rebel]

the keepers in a Glasgow zoo were concerned about the gorillas inability to mate with there female ,
so in desperatuion decide that maybe if they mated it with a suitable human the gorilla would get jealous and get stuck in ..so..
they approach a rather large intern on work experience called Angus

"angus cmere aminute son "says the head keeper
"whit ye want"says angus
"weve got a bit of a delicate situation with that female gorilla ower there"
wed be wonderin if yed be willin tae shag her fir 500pounds "

Angus wnet away to think about it after awhile he returns and says
"right well... ill dae it with one condition...ye ll have tae give me a few weeks tae come up with the money"

[Bear]

A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands money. After he gets the money, he turns to a customer and asks,

'Did you see me rob this bank?'
The man replied, 'Yes sir, I did.'
The robber then shoots him in the head, killing him instantly.

He then turns to a couple standing next to him and asks the man,
'Did you see me rob this bank?'
The man replied, 'No sir, I didn't, but my wife did!'

[CBRRRT]

Smarty and Polo mint are sitting in the pub haveing a pint. Just then Tune walks in and Smarty puts his hand up. Polo mint says to Samarty "You want to stay clear of that one mate, he's fucking menthol"

[CBRRRT]

Guy walks into the pub and asks for a pint and a glass of milk for the toothless ferrit.

The barman says "What fucking good is a toothless ferrit"

The guy says "That ferrit will give you the best blow job you have ever had in your life"

Barman says "Bollocks"

Guy says "Take it to the toilet, and give it a go"

Ten minutes later the barman comes back with a huge grin on his face and offers the guy £1000.00 there and then. The guy is a little hard up so takes the money.

The barman takes the ferrit up stairs and hands it to his wife.
She takes one look at it and asks "What do you want me to do with that?"

The barman says "Teach it to cook, then fuck off!"

[CBRRRT]

Prince Charles is driving around his estate, hits a rabbit and flattens it. [xx(]

Being a soppy cunt he starts to look round for something to bury it in, and finds an old lamp.

As he is dusting off the lamp a Genie pops out and asks Charles to make a wish.

Charles thinks, well I have everything I could want, so what can I wish for.

He then thinks back to the rabbit he flattened and asks the Genie if he can bring it back to life.

The Genie says to Prince Charles "Fuck me mate, give me a chance, you've seen the rabbit, it’s fucked. Now think of something else, go on!

Charles then asks the Genie if he could make Camilla beautiful.

The Genie thinks for a moment or two and says to Charles

"Let’s have another look at that rabbit" [^]

[Bear]

MAN TEST

1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard
stomach, you are a queer. It means you haven't sucked
back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of
your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah
diet...Faggot.

2. If you have a cat, you are a homo. A cat is like a
dog, but queer-- it grooms itself constantly but never
scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses
its claws, and whines to be fed. And just think about how
you call a dog... 'Killer, come here! I said get your
arse over here, Killer!' Now think about how you call a
cat...'Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!' Jeeezus,
you're pitched, you're so queer.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby
pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a
Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws,
raw oysters, lobster backs, pickled pigs feet, or tits.
Anything else and you are a Homo in training and undeniably
a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom
or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual
relationship. A man's world is his bathroom; he
defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee,
you're as camp as a row of tents. A straight man will
never be heard ordering a 'Decaf Soy Latte'. If
you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've
had a man there too.

6. If you know more than six names of non-standard
colors or four different types of dessert other than ice
cream and custard, you might as well be handing out free arse
passes. A real man doesn't have memory space in his
brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out
chartreuse or you know what a 'fressier' is;
you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile
other than cotton or denim, you are poofter.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget
it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts
both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-arse driver or to
cut the prick off. The rest of the time he needs that hand
to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, or hold his
beer.

[Large]

What's brown and rhymes with snoop?
















































Dr Dre

[Brodie]

Your so fucking gay i swear i can hear the buttsex from down here.


But I am pissing myself laughing......Gold.

[CBRRRT]

An Israeli doctor said medicine in my country is so advanced we can take out a kidney from one man and put it in another and have him looking for work with in two weeks.

Thats nothing says a German doctor, we can take a lung from one man and put it in another and have him looking for work with in a week.

Thats nothing says the English doctor, we can take an arse hole from scotland, put it in 10 Downing street and have a whole country looking for work with in 24 hours.

[CBRRRT]

A man walks in to a bar.

'A pint of anything but Stella, please'

Barman asks 'What's wrong with Stella ?'

'I had 12 pints of Stella last night and when I came round, I was
fucking skint !'

'12 pints of anything costs the same..............' commented the
Barman.

'Skint is my dog !' said the man

[alfiestorm]

A lorry carring sheep crashed and turned over blocking the motorway..................latest police reports suggests the area is rammed



Another lorry crashed carrying a load of wigs..........................police are combing the area


And finally in the news today a police station in newquay cornwall was brocken into last night, the thiefs stole the toilets and urinals........................................... ...police say they have nothing to go on

[chopiesel]

what do you get when you cross an analist and a therapist?



an analrapist

[-Dex-]

What's the difference between Jam and Marmalade?



You can't marmalade your fist up a girls arse.

[Bear]

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said,
"Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started....

********

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'
And she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office!
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too'
And then the fight started.....

****

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'
And that's how the fight started ...

****

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'she's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started.....

****

I rear-ended a car this morning.
So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other
driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and
little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,
'I AM NOT HAPPY! !!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started.....

****

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first.
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And then the fight started.....

****

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's darn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....

[Bear]

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Walter and his wife Ann, listened to the instructor declare :

'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other. '

He addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?'

Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently and whispered, ..........

'White Wings Self Raising isn't it Dear?'



And thus began Walter's life of celibacy.

[Bear]

Here are the winners of this year's Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which, once again, asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter and supply a new definition :



1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.


2. Ignoranus: A person who is both stupid and an asshole.


3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.


4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.


5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.


6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.


7.Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high


8.Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.


9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.


10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)


11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, righ t? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's, like, a serious bummer.


12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming
only things that are good for you.


13. Glibido: All talk and no action.


14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.


15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.


16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.


17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the
fruit you're eating.


The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are:


1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.


2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.


3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.


4. Esplanade, v, To attempt an explanation while drunk.


5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.


6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.


7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.


8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.


9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.


10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.


11. Testicle n. A humorous question on an exam.


12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.


13. Pokemon, n.A Rastafarian proctologist.


14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with yiddishisms.


15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.


16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish
men.

[Fish]

A new drug hit the market today for depressed lesbians, so far it has been an outstanding success.

This awesome and life saving drug is called Tridixagain.

[Fish]

I was watching this movie on the telly the other day and it was fucking awesome, I was really really getting into it when there was a knock at the door. I ignored it for a while cause i was really into this movie, but they just kept knocking. So pissed as hell cause I'm missing out on this brilliant movie I get up and go to the door. There's this woman at the door and and she looks at me and say's "Hi i'm doing a neighbourhood collection for the sperm bank".

Fuck didn't i give her a mouthfull.

[opindown]

lmao!

[CBRRRT]

Abbo walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the

Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.

The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing. We've just got One in from a very wealthy man who wants a

chauffeur/bodyguard for his Nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided.. You also have to escort the young ladies on their Overseas holidays. The

Salary package is 200,000 a year'.

The Abbo said 'You're bullshitting me!'

The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!'

[MONO]

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep---not screeming, like the passengers in his car.

[Docktor]

Wots the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts ?




beer nuts are $3.50 a pack and deer nuts are under a buck.....

[Docktor]

I just got a new rolex from for my birthday from the lesbians next door................. I think they misunderstood me when i said i wanna watch..........................

[Docktor]

One for Rod........

Statistically,six out of seven dwarves are not happy.

[CBRRRT]

An Englishman is having breakfast in Paris one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The Englishman ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

Frenchman: 'You English folk eat the whole bread??'

Englishman (in a bad mood): 'Of course.'

Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) 'We don't. In France , we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to England .' The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.

The Englishman listens in silence.

The Frenchman persists: 'Do you eat jam with the bread??'

Englishman: 'Of Course.'

Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).

'We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to England .'

After a moment of silence, The Englishman then asks: 'Do you have sex in France ?'

Frenchman: 'Why of course we do', he says with a big smirk.

Englishman: 'And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?'

Frenchman: 'We throw them away, of course.'

Englishman: 'We don't. In England , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France .'

[opindown]

:)

[opindown]

An Asian woman goes in to her local NAB Branch and begins exchanging her money.

After the transaction is complete she asks the teller 'Why it change, yesterday I get two hunat dollar for my money, today I only get hunat eighty?'

The teller looked over his glasses and says very slowly...."fluctuations".

The Asian woman narrows her eyes and says, "fluck you Aussies too"

[opindown]

STOP CHOKING - AUSSIE STYLE

A woman sitting in an Adelaide Pub suddenly began to cough. After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress, and two locals, Bluey and Bazza sitting at the next table turned to look at her.

Ken ya swaller? asked Bluey

The woman signalled 'No!', desperately shaking her head.

Kin ya breathe?' asked Bazza. The woman shook her head No!!!

With that, Bluey walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress, yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of her arse.

This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.

Bluey swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.

Bazza said in admiration 'Ya know Bluey, I'd heard of that bloody Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen somebody do it.'

[opindown]

Dear Tech Support,


Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend to Husband and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend

In addition, Husband uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance and Personal Attention and then installed undesirable programs such as AFL; The Ashes; Football and Golf Clubs

Conversation no longer runs, and Housecleaning simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

.................................................. ....................

Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend is an Entertainment Package, while Husband is an Operating System.

Please enter the command: 'http: I Thought You Loved Me.html' and try to download Tears and don't forget to install the Guilt update. If that application works as designed, Husband should then automatically run the applications Jewellery and Flowers.

But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband to default to Grumpy Silence, Happy Hour or Beer.

Beer is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).

Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband.

In summary, Husband is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.

We recommend Food and Hot Lingerie.

Good Luck, Tech Support

[opindown]

Keep your cursor OUT of the picture until you see the Whale.

Then move your mouse cursor onto the picture, but stand back, you might get wet (it's like it's 3D). Click on the picture when it loads completely and be sure that your sound is on

CLICK ON: http://www.toilette-humor.com/cartoon.html

[opindown]

Little Mark ON MATHS

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?' She calls on little MARK.

He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'

The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'

Then little MARK says, 'I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.

The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'

To which Little MARK replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the Wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'



LITTLE MARK ON MATH (Part 2)

Little MARK returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic

'Why?' asks the father?

'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies MARK.

'But that's right!' says his dad.
'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''
'What's the f_cking difference?' asks the father

'That's what I said!'

LITTLE MARK ON ENGLISH

Little MARK goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

MARK says 'M@s-tur-b@te.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little MARK, that's a mouthful.'

Little MARK says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a bl@wjob.'

LITTLE MARK ON GRAMMAR

Little MARK was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a p_ss!!'

The teacher replied, 'Now, MARK, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urin@te.'
Please use the word 'ur-I-n@te' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow You to go.'

Little MARK, thinks for a bit, and then says, 'You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN !'

LITTLE MARK ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.

First, she called! On little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'

'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

'My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'

She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little MARK.

'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was Pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f_cking beautiful!''


LITTLE MARK ON GETTING OLDER

Little MARK was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said,
'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'

Little MARK replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old..'

The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'
Little MARK answered, 'No, he minded his own f_cking business.

[opindown]

Got bored and went through some of the emails in my funny folder

[Bear]

"thumbs up" :D

[Fish]

quote:Originally posted by Docktor

One for Rod........

Statistically,six out of seven dwarves are not happy.


Yes but statistically six out of seven dwarves aren't grumpy either. ;)

[Docktor]

What pink and got 7 dints in it ??? .......................snow whites hymen

[336LJ]

Bloke walks up to a woman at a bar
"Hi, whats your name"
"carmen" she replies
"Really, thats a nice name, why carmen?" he asked.
" well I named myself after 2 of my most favorite things in the whole world, cars, and men." she explained.
"oh I see" he says
"so whats your name" carmen asks the gentlemen.

"..... BEERCUNT! "

[336LJ]

40 black fellers die in a bus crash and all rock up to the pearly gates, St peter says,
"woooh guys.. woah, I'v just got official word from God, he said he can only let half of you guys in, so sort it out amongst yourselves and I'll be back to take down the names of who you choose"

20min later St Peter fronts up to God "theyre gone!!"
"Who, the black fellers" asks God.

"Nah the fuckin gates!"

[Fish]

What do you call 100 black fellas rolling down a hill?

An abolanche

[Tony Nitrous]

A man asked his wife "What would you do if we won lotto?"



The wife replied "I would take half and divorce you"



"That's good" he replied. "We won Division 4.



Here's $12.50 - now f@ck off"

[davio]

I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirtyand sexy, so I suggested we meet up.She turned out to be an undercover detective.How cool is that at her age?!

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up.She said I had to stop w-anking.When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"

I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. Imean, a ginger kid, with two friends?

A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a d!ldo flies out andthumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son'sinnocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was aninsect."To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the groundwith a cock like that."

I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed himin front of a steam train.He was chuffed to bits.

When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of thekids.Took her out with one punch.

My granddad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed."It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that hewas caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-olddaughter.Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they arebound to be curious about 5ex at that age.""Curious about 5ex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendixout!"

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behinda gravestone. I said "morning."He replied, "No, just having a shit."

Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run aroundin.

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed.How could anyone stoop so low? I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on afifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

[boris]

theyre gold davio even my missus laughed so they must be fucken funny

[Weaselman]

What do you call a leb stuck between two walls?

Ali

What do you call a leb you rats on his mates?

Wazim

[Large]

A guy was stranded on a desert island with Heidi Klum. Initially, he played it cool, not making any moves on her for several weeks. Finally, he asked her if they could start a physical relationship, so as to attend to each other's needs. Heidi was game and a very nice sexual relationship began.

After several months, the guy approached Heidi and said, "I have a problem… It's kind of a guy thing, but I need to ask you a favour." Heidi replied, "Okay," to which he asked, "Can I borrow your eyebrow pencil?" Heidi looked at him in confusion, but obliged.

The guy then asked, "Do you mind if I use the eyebrow pencil to draw a mustache on you?" Heidi was growing worried, but again obliged, so the guy drew a mustache on her.

Then the guy said, "Can you wear some of my clothes? I need for you to look more like a man." Heidi was becoming disappointed at this point, but hesitantly put on his clothes.

Finally, the guy said to Heidi, "Do you mind if I call you Phil?" Heidi had now become very dejected, and said "No, I guess not, you can call me Phil." So, the guy reached out and grabbed Heidi by the arms and shouted "Phil, you'll never believe who I'm fucking!!"

[zx12argh]

Whats pink and has 7 dints in it

Snow Whites hymen.

[dingo]

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After
having great sex, she spent the next hour just scratching
his nuts-- something she seemed to love to do. As he was
enjoying it, he turned and asked her,
'Why do you love doing that?'





'Because,' she replied, 'I really miss mine.'

[CBRRRT]

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas dinner.

This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.

They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole.. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.

It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.

Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, 'Skippy!'.

The woman thought, 'This is great!' and a big smile came across her face.

A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.

This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrrrip.

The father again looked at the dog and yelled, 'Skippy!'

Once again the woman smiled and thought 'Yes!' A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it.

She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing.

Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, 'Skippy, get away from her, before she shits on you!'

[Bear]

Hemi the Maori builder was going through a house he had just built for the woman who owned it.

She was telling him what colour to paint each room. They went into the first room and she said 'I want this room to be painted a light blue.'

Hemi went to the front door and yelled 'GREEN SIDE UP!'

When he went back into the house, she told him that the next room was to be bright red.

Hemi went to the front door and yelled 'GREEN SIDE UP!'

When he went back into the house, she told him that the next room was to be tan.

Hemi went to the front door and yelled 'GREEN SIDE UP!'

When he came back, the lady was pretty curious, so she asked him 'I keep telling you colours, but you go out the front and yell green side up; what is that for?'

Hemi said, 'Oh don't worry about that, I've just got a couple of Aussies laying the turf out the front.

[gibbo]

:D:D:D

[davio]

noice 1 lmao

[Bob]

Whats got 8 legs and a big black cunt?

The A team

[Fight_fan]

^Lol! I pity the fool who doesnt like the A-Team

[gixkat]

I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up.
She turned out to be an undercover detective.
How cool is that at her age?!

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up.
She said I had to stop wanking.
When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"

I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger kid, with two friends?

A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."
To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."

I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train.
He was chuffed to bits.

When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids.
Took her out with one punch.

My granddad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed.
"It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.
Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."
"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendix out!"

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "morning."
He replied, "No, just having a sh!t."

Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low?

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

[damo1]

Rocky the roster is the biggest meanest filthiest roster in the farm yard,he spends his whole day beating the crap out of all the other animals in the yard.

One day a cat comes around the corner and beats the absolute crap out of Rocky.

The moral of the story is "No matter how big and nasty the cock is the pussy can always take it"

[damo1]

A lady aprouches a gentleman at a party and looks him up and down and says to him.

"Hi my name is Carmen, my name is made up of the to favourite things in my life cars and men ,whats your name?"

The gentle man looks her up and down and in a rusky voice says

"BEERCUNT"

[Merlyn]

A Scottsman, a Chinaman, a Pom and an Aussie were in the pub debating whose country was the best.
The Scottsman reckoned his was the best, because we got the greenest grass.
The Pom reckoned his was the best because they had the most beautiful flag.
The Chinaman reckoned his was the best because of their Great Wall.
The Aussie said we're the best, 'cos we got the kangaroo, and that can jump over your great wall, crap on your grass and wipe it's ass with your flag!

[Merlyn]

An Englishman, an Irishman, an Australian and a New Zealander were in a plane, getting ready to make their first parachute jump. The Englishman's exit was spectacular; he leapt out of the plane with the cry "I am doing this for my country.....". The Irishman leapt out immediately afterwards, calling out the same words. Then the Australian ripped the parachute off the New Zealander, pushed him out of the plane and cried "I'm doing this for my country.....".

[Merlyn]

Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
Americans: Believe that people should look out for and take care of themselves.
Canadians: Believe that that is the government's job.

Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.


Canadians: Endure bitterly cold winters and are proud of it.
Brits: Endure oppressively wet and dreary winters and are proud of it.
Americans: Don't have to do either, and couldn't care less.
Aussies: Don't understand what inclement weather means.


Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.
Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.
Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.


Americans: Seem to think that poverty and failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success, and failure are inherited.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.

[MONO]

A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER: $2.00

HAMBURGER: $2.25

CHEESEBURGER: $2.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50

HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.

She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.

"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?"

The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes, yes, I sure am".

The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger".

[Bastard]

An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub, and promptly orders three pints. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three pints, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.

An hour later the man has finished the three pints and orders three more. This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Pints.

Finally, a week later the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three pints."

"Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies. "You see, I have two brothers and one went to America and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two pints whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."

The bartender and the whole town were pleased with this answer and soon the Man Who Orders Three Pints became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.

Then one day the man comes in and orders only two pints. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening.

He orders only two pints. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.

The next day the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know - the two pints and all...."

The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I, meself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent."

[Bear]

HILLYBILLY DAYVORCE
A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer. The lawyer said, "How can I help you?" The farmer said, "I want to get one of them dayvorces."
The lawyer said, "Do you have any
grounds?" The farmer said, "Yes, I got 40 acres" The lawyer said, "No, No, you don't understand, Do you have a suit? The farmer said, "Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays." The lawyer said, "No, no, I mean, do you have a case?" The farmer said, "No, I ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deere.

The lawyer said, "No, I mean, do you have a grudge?" The farmer said,"Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parks the John Deere" The lawyer said, "Does your wife beat you up or something?" The farmer said, "No, we both get up at 4:30."
By now the lawyer is getting frustrated but tries one last question .The lawyer said,

"Is your wife a nagger?" The farmer said, "No, she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants a dayvorce."

[El_Hefty]

A guy works a new job on Thursday and Friday. On Monday he calls in and says, "I can’t come in today, I’m sick." He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, "I can’t come in today, I’m sick."

The boss asks the foreman about him and he replies, "He’s great. He does the work of two men. We need him."

So the next day the boss calls the guy into his office and says, "You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You’re a good worker and I’d hate to fire you. What’s the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?"

The guy replies, "No I don’t drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks heavily every weekend, then beats up my sister. So every Monday morning I go over to make sure she’s alright. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know I’m fucking her."

The boss says, "Errr... you fuck your sister?" The guy replies, "Hey, I told you I was sick!"

[Bear]

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to
the pharmacist,
looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some
cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady
replied, "I need it
to poison my husband." The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed,
"Lord have mercy! I
can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law!
I'll lose my license!
They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen.
Absolutely not! You
CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband
in bed with the
pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,
"well now, that's
different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

[Large]

Little Johnny is in the bath with his Dad when he says, "Daddy, why is my willy different from yours?" His Dad replies, "Well, for a start, son, yours isn't erect."

[Bob]

I was at a ATM the other day standing in line behind an old lady.
It looked like she was having trouble, then she turned around and ask me if I could help her check her balance.

So I pushed her over!!

[gibbo]

Not All Accidents Are Bad.
on May 15th, 2001
The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door. "We`re sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife."

"Well, tell me!" the man said.

The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?" Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

So the policeman said, "I`m sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife`s body in San Francisco Bay."

"Oh my god!" said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What`s the good news?"

"Well," said the policeman, "when we pulled her up she had two five- pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."

"If that`s the good news, then what`s the great news?" Mr. Wilkens demanded.

The policeman said, "We`re going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."

[Bear]

A Vietnamese Doctor says "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another and have him looking for work in 6 weeks"


A German Doctor says " That is nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks"


A Russian Doctor says "In My country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks"


The Australian Doctor, not to be outdone, says " You guys are way behind. We recently took a man with no brains out of Queensland, put him in Canberra for one year, and now half the country is looking for work"!