Lets upset EVERYONE

[Lucas]

>> Tasmanian couple walking out of the divorce court, the wife is crying
>> her heart out.
>>
>> Husband says ' Oh for fuck's sake stop crying, you're still my sister'
>>
>> __________________________________
>>
>> My ex-wife asked what reincarnation is. I explained, when you die you
>> come back as something else.
>>
>> She said she wanted to come back as a pig.
>>
>> I said, 'You're not fucking listening'
>>
>>
>> _____________________________________________
>>
>>
>> Was depressed last night, rang lifeline. Got a call centre in
>> Afghanistan, told them I was suicidal.
>>
>> They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
>>
>> _______________________________________________
>>
>> I am going to watch my wedding video in reverse later. I love the part
>> where she takes her ring off and
>>
>> walks down the isle backwards, gets in the car and fucks off.
>>
>> __________________________________________________
>>
>> Today an Abbo was found nailed to a tree, stabbed six times and shot
>> twice.
>>
>> Redfern police said it's the worst case of suicide they had ever seen.
>>
>> __________________________________________________ _
>>
>> A car bomb was found outside Lakemba mosque today. Police have urged
>> the public not to
>>
>> panic as they have managed to push it inside the mosque.
>>
>> __________________________________________________ __
>>
>> Woman goes into a shoe shop and sees a gorgeous pair of white stilettos.
>> She asks what are they made of.
>>
>> The assistant said they were made from human skin and cost $1500.00 a
>> pair.
>>
>> The woman said she could not afford that. The assistant said says
>> 'Don't worry, we have them in black for $4.99.
>>
>> __________________________________________________ ____
>>
>> Woman in labour, shouting and screaming as usual, 'get this out of me,
>> give me drugs'.
>>
>> She turns to the boyfriend and says 'You did this to me you fucker'. He
>> replied casually,
>>
>> 'If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse but you said, 'Fuck
>> off it'll be too painful',
>>

[Shadowzone]

Yep seen them before.

Still funny though.

[xb9r]

How do you turn A fox into an elephant ........... marry it

[chopiesel]

two abo's are walking out of the local centrelink office and see a poster that says " wanted, white Caucasian male for rape"

first abo tuns to the second one and says, man those cunts get all the good jobs.

[xb9r]

79 percent of abos have had sex in the shower the other 21 percent havnt been to jail

[latheboy]

Sorry Doc gotta bust it out agian ................

How do you get a poof to fuck a girl????



Shit in her cunt.

[KATO ZX7]

Whats the useless bit of skin on the end of a penis called??

A man :D

[oldskool]

Why do they put cotton in the top of a medicine bottles?


To remind the niggers they picked cotton before they became drug addicts.

[Shadowzone]

What do you call a nigger with a stutter?
a cocoon

what do you call a nigger in a tree?
Abocado.

What do you call 100 coon rolling down a hill?
Abolanche.

What's the difference between a Pommy and a Qantas Jet?
The Jet stops whining once it lands in Australia.

A bloke driving a truck carrying a loader from Townsville to the Isa gets half an hour out of Townsville and hits a kingswood full of coons. Not knowing what to do and panicking he takes the loader off the back of the truck digs a hole pushes the car in and covers it with dirt. Buries it nicely he does. Takes off again and cruises through to Charters Towers where he's feeling Guilty. So he stops at the Police Station and goes in to tell the coppers what he's done. The copper hears his confession and says so mate were they all dead? He says well mate I'm sure they were. A couple said they weren't but you just can't trust them black bastards...

There's a key which can open all the Windows, open and start most of the cars and almost every door in town. What kind of key is it?
A Darkey.

How do you stop a coon from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.

What should you do if you see a coon drowning?
Throw in his wife and kids.

God said, 'Adam, I
Want you to do
Something for Me.'
Adam said, 'Gladly,
Lord, what do You
Want me to do?'
God said, 'Go down
Into that valley.'
Adam said, 'What's a Valley?'
God explained it to
Him. Then God said,
'Cross the river.'
Adam said, 'What's a River?'
God explained that
To him, and then said,
'Go over to the hill....'
Adam said, 'What is a
Hill?'
So, God explained to
Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, 'On
The other side of the
Hill you will find a
Cave.'
Adam said, 'What's a
Cave?'
After God explained,
He said, 'In the cave
You will find a woman.'
Adam said, 'What's a Woman?'
So God explained
That to him, too.
Then, God said, 'I
Want you to
Reproduce.'
Adam said, 'How do
I do that?'
God first said (under
His breath), 'Geez.....'
And then, just like Everything else, God Explained that to
Adam, as well.
So, Adam goes down
Into the valley,
Across the river, and
Over the hill, into the
Cave, and finds the
Woman.
Then, in about five Minutes, he was back.
God, His patience
Wearing thin, said
Angrily, 'What is it
Now?'
And Adam said....
'What's a headache?'

And finally:

Why did the Pope hold Mass at the racetrack when he was out here?
Because it's the only place you can legally ride a 3year old...

[Cruisecontrol]

quote:Originally posted by KATO ZX7

Whats the useless bit of skin on the end of a penis called??

A man :D


Why do doctors slap babies on the arse when they are born?

So the dicks fall off the dumb ones...

[Shadowzone]

quote:Originally posted by KATO ZX7

Whats the useless bit of skin on the end of a penis called??

A man :D



The word wife is an acronym.

It's Meaning?

Washing Ironing Food & Entertainment.

Why do women get married in white?
So they blend in with the rest of the kitchen appliances.

What do you do if your washing machine breaks down?
Slap the bitch and tell her to get back to work.

What do you do if your wife's watch stops working?
Nothing there's a clock on the oven.

Why did the woman cross the road?
It doesn't matter. What was she doing out of the kitchen to begin with?

What's the definiton of a Housewife?
A device that does the housework during the day and screws on the bed at night.

What do ovens and women have in common?
You need to turn them both on before you stick the meat in.

An old woman saved a Fairy's life. To repay this, the Fairy promised to grant the old woman three wishes.
For the first wish, the old lady asked to become young and beautiful.
Poof! She became young and beautiful.
For the second wish, the old lady asked to be richest woman in the world.
Poof! She was the richest woman in the world.
For the last wish, she pointed at the cat she had kept for years. She asked that he be turned into the most handsome man on earth. After all, he had been her best friend for so many years.
Poof! The Fairy turned the cat into the most handsome man on earth.
The old lady and the Fairy said their goodbyes.
After the Fairy left, the handsome man (old cat) strolled over to her and asked, "Now aren't you sorry you had me neutered?"

Why are womens feet so small? So they can stand closer to the stove

Why cant women ski? because theres no snow between the bedroom and the kitchen.

How can you tell if your wife is dead? The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

[slickncghia]

why are women such bad drivers?

because there is no roads between the kitchen and the bedroom

[KATO ZX7]

Oh fellas, i only have one good man joke.
Seems that there is far more wifey jokes out there.

Do your women read this, or do you hope that they dont see it and they still put out, clean up and cook for you??

Im not offended, most of your jokes are GOLD !!! [:X];)

[KATO ZX7]

note to self....dont pick fun at boys in a boy dominated area [:O]

[Shadowzone]

Last three from me:

Why do women smile when walking down the aisle to get married?
They know they've given their last ever blow job...

Why do men fart more than women?
Women don't keep their mouths shut long enough to build up any back pressure!

And finally:

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to...

[Shadowzone]

quote:Originally posted by KATO ZX7

Oh fellas, i only have one good man joke.
Seems that there is far more wifey jokes out there.

Do your women read this, or do you hope that they dont see it and they still put out, clean up and cook for you??

Im not offended, most of your jokes are GOLD !!! [:X];)


I'm single and I don't understand why? I mean I'd clearly treat any partner correctly so what's the problem? I just don't get it...

:D:D:D:D:D

[boris]

and why do divorces cost so much
cos they're worth it

police in cairns are looking for 2 abo bashers
I rang them but apparently it's not a job

what's the difference between a womans asshole and a 9 volt battery
you know it's wrong but sooner or later your tongue is gonna end up on it

why is the space between a womans breasts and her hips called a waist
cos you could easily fit another pair of tits in there

what do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes
nothing you havent already told her twice

if your missus is yelling at you at the front door and your dog is barking at the back door who do you let in
your dog cos he'll shut up when you let him in

why is a laundromat a bad place to pick up women
cos a woman who hasn't even got her own washing machine probably won't be able to support you

[Tony Nitrous]

How many male chauvinists does it take to change a light bulb ?

NONE, let the bitch wash-up in the dark !




Why does the bride wear a white dress ?

So she will match all the other "white goods" in the kitchen.




Im not getting married again,

Im just going to find a woman I hate and buy her a house, its quicker.




What black and run's down windows ?

COONdensation.




Why wasn't Jesus born in NZ ?

They couldn't find 3 wise men and a virgin.

[flyingfatman]

Whats the difference between a park bench and an abo?
A park bench can support a family

Whats the difference between a family sized pizza and an abo?
The pizza feeds can feed a family

Whats the difference between a bucket of shit and an abo?
The bucket

Why dont you chuck rocks at an abo on a bike?
Cause the bikes probably yours

Why do you go to an abo garage sale?
To get your shit back

[Jockney Rebel]

whats black and tan and looks good on a paki?
a dobermann pincer

wht do women have legs ?
seen the mess a snail makes ?

here about the IRA man who hijacked a submarine?
asked for 20000 pounds and a parachute

hear about the irish moon shot ?
couldnt find a bottle big enuf for the rocket

or how about the IRA man who was told to blow up a london bus ?
burnt his mouth on the exhaust

whats the best thing about aussies?
theyre genetically engineered for barwork

whats transparent and lies in the gutter ?
a paki with the shit kicked out of him

whats up if the wife keeps wingeing in ur ear ?
the chain to the kitchen sinks too long

[and one for the girls ]

little joey comes home from school asks his mum"mum whats an orgasm?"
mum replies "dunno ask yer father"

back to normal

joey comes into the living room says to his dad "dad dad grannys got a prawn between her legs !"
dad replies "no son thats her clitorus "
joey says "well it tastes like a fukin prawn"

why was hitler so pissed off during WW2?
cos the jews sent him a gas bill

how do u confuse an irishman
put 3 shovels up against a wall and tell him to take his pick

paki arrives at the pearly gates
st peter turns round and shouts "Jesus !! yer cabs here!!"

whats the fastest thing in the world?
a burger van in africa
2nd fastest?
the africans chasing him

smallest book inthe world
jewish book of charity donations

2nd smallest
irish book of academic excellence

3rd
german book of war victories

4th
american book of good ideas

5th
african cook book

6th
french book of war heroes

whats the difference between an essex girl and a washing machine?
the washing macine dont follow u around after its fucked

how do u know an essex girls had an orgasm?
she drops her chips

similarity between an essex girl and a washing machine?
they both leak when their fucked

what does she say after sex ?
so u all play for the same team then

[Jockney Rebel]

whats thw differance between a woman and a hurricane?
none
when they come their wet and warm
when they leave they take yer house and car

whats the best contraceptive known to man ?
wedding cake

how do u stop your girlfiend giving u blowjobs ?
marry her

whats the differance between an essex girl and the titanic ?
nuthin they both lie on their back gushing seamen/semen

what does NASA stand for ?
Need Another Seven Astronauts

[Iceman]

What's the difference between a jew and a pizza?
A pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven.

What's the difference between a jew and a loaf of bread?
A loaf of bread comes out of the oven.

[Cruisecontrol]

A recent survey indicated that 4 out of 5 people enjoyed gang-rape...

[xb9r]

Whats the difference between a gins pussy and a cricketball
If you try real hard you can eat a cricketball

[336LJ]

quote:Originally posted by latheboy

Sorry Doc gotta bust it out agian ................

How do you get a poof to fuck a girl????



Shit in her cunt.

thats the sort of disturbed shit that cracks me up hahaha

[JackTar]

quote:Originally posted by 336LJ


quote:Originally posted by latheboy

Sorry Doc gotta bust it out agian ................

How do you get a poof to fuck a girl????



Shit in her cunt.

thats the sort of disturbed shit that cracks me up hahaha


Really?

Then what is the hardest part of skinning a baby?

Not getting a hard on.

[336LJ]

quote:Originally posted by JackTar


Really?

Then what is the hardest part of skinning a baby?

Not getting a hard on.


LOL . reminds me of the horrid one I heard years ago.

Whats the difference between a baby, and a big juicy red apple?

I dont come all over a big juicy red apple before I take a bite out of it.

[xx(] fuck thats bad![xx(] I don't think I have heard anything worse!

-

Little Johnny runs into his mum in the kitchen
Johnny - "MUM MUM! The neighbours dick is like a peanut!!!"
Mum - "what, short?"
Johnny - "no, salty!"

[Jockney Rebel]

what goes whiirr ,ping,splat?
a baby in a microwave

[Shadowzone]

Whats the difference between a truckload of sand and a truckload of babies?
You can't unload a truckload of sand with a pitchfork.

What's red and sits in the corner getting smaller and smaller?
A Baby combing it's hair with a potato peeler.

Whats, Blue, Yellow and Green and sits on the bottom of a pool?
A Baby with busted floaties.

A white baby dies and goes to heaven gets wings and called an angel.
What do they call black babies when they die?
Flying Fox.

How do you stop a baby crawling round in circles ?
Nail its other hand to the floor.

What's blue and thrashes about on the floor?
A baby playing in a plastic bag.

What's more fun than strapping a baby to a clothesline and then spinning it around at 200km/h?
Stopping it with a shovel.

What is better than a dead baby?
The revoked child-support.

How are babies and the elderly alike?
Both are fun to throw out of moving cars.

What happens when you burn baby's face off?
It makes weird noises and crawls into walls.

What has 4 legs and one arm?
A Doberman in a children's playground!

What's 18 inches long and makes women scream all night ?
Cot death.

What does a dingo call a baby in a pram?
Meals on wheels.

What is charred black and screams?
A baby getting his toy out of the fireplace!

How do you save a baby from drowning?
Harpoon it.

[Iceman]

What the difference between jam and marmalaide?

You can't marmalaide your fist up your girlfriend arse!

[Shadowzone]

What's the difference between fat and cellulite?
A man can't wake up in the morning with a cellulite...

[zx12argh]

Whats the difference between a light on and a hard on?
You can sleep with the light on.

[Weaselman]

whats the best thing about fucking 21yo's?

there's 20 of em!

[Cruisecontrol]

Make that 20...

[xb9r]

An abo comes home from school and tells his mum that he has the biggest cock in grade three "is that because Im black" "no you fuck wit its because your 19"

[Merlyn]

Theres lots of women, baby and gay jokes.... You men are so original :P

Kato good effort! At the end of the day though, they know they need us...


What would happen if all the women in the world disappeared?

POOF!!

[JackTar]

quote:Originally posted by Merlyn

Theres lots of women, baby and gay jokes.... You men are so original :P

Kato good effort! At the end of the day though, they know they need us...


What would happen if all the women in the world disappeared?

POOF!!


There would be more toys and more wanking.

Lets face it at the end of the day a chick is just a lazy mans wank.

[Merlyn]

yeah but im pretty sure i know which most men here would prefer... lazy or not :P especially with a woman willing to get on her knees

[DCRacing]

Merlyn, you are building pictures in my head.......i can see that i won't be able to leave my desk until everyone has gone home..... :P

[Shadowzone]

quote:Originally posted by Merlyn

yeah but im pretty sure i know which most men here would prefer... lazy or not :P especially with a woman willing to get on her knees



I've seen the pic on your profile and I must now confess to having a cellulite.

I mean a chubby. No wait a fat. Yep. stop saying such things. Your taken aren't you? I do like the visuals though...

[BANDITROD]

you lot stop harrassing weasel's missus will ya

[Merlyn]

hehe Im a big girl, I can look after myself. But thanks Rod :) Much appreciated even though i brought it upon myself. [:I]:D

[Jockney Rebel]

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Television
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman

How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.



How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

[Jockney Rebel]

A platoon of soldiers was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious.

On the opposite side of the road was an Australian soldier in a similar but less serious state.

The soldier was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the Platoon Leader asked the injured Australian what had happened.

The soldier reported, 'I was cut off from my patrol after a contact and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent.' We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved.

He yelled back that Kevin Rudd is a bureaucratic, Good-for-nothing, left wing labour dickhead who knows bugger all about running the country.'

'So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!'

He retaliated by yelling, 'Oh yeah? Well, so does Julia Gillard ! '

'And, there we were, in the middle of the road, laughing, shaking hands, when a f **king truck hit us.'

[DCRacing]

Hey Merlyn, No offense meant, and i figured that you took none, just having fun at your expense :P

[Merlyn]

I took no offense at all :) I can handle a bit of playfulness... just might need to watch the one with the baseball bat though ;)

[Weaselman]

shotgun

[Shadowzone]

Don't be offended mate, be happy your lucky enough to have something other men want :)

I know something sounds bad, but it's not intended as insulting terminology...

[Weaselman]

naa never was a problem mate.

never offended. My missus is a naughty little scamp
But she holds her own

[Azrael]

Holds her own what? oh dont answer that

[Jockney Rebel]

i reckon yer missus is hot ..andy ..[not as hot as me bike tho ] lol

[Merlyn]

[:I][:I] Thanks Jim :)

I can handle not being as hot as your bike, at least you get to ride her :D

[Jockney Rebel]

tru lol..bout the only thing i get to ride these days ...:(

[Merlyn]

Poor Jim :( I just hope you dont get too jealous tomorrow when i sit on her and tell her i love her :) Your bike that is ;)

[Jockney Rebel]

nah it ll be fine ill just tell HIM that HE aint getting no more high octane fuel