a joke ,a joke ,my kingdom for a joke

[Jockney Rebel]

Three blokes go into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.














Three blind mice walk into a pub. But they are unaware of their surroundings, so to derive humour from it would be exploitative. :D

[devo]

:D

[336LJ]

3 men walked into a bar, something happened, and the outcome was hilarious.





Whats the difference, between JAM, and MARMALADE?

You cant MARMALADE your fist up someones ass.

[Large]

What's the difference between a duck?







Why haven't any women been sent to the moon?

It hasn't needed cleaning yet

[devo]

Two Irishmen talking first one says to the other what do you think is closer the moon or America ?? second one says the Moon.
First one says how do you come to that conclusion ?
Second one says well you can see the moon but ya can't see America [B)]

[Fish]

quote:Originally posted by Large

What's the difference between a duck?


A biscuit because motorcycles don't have doors.

[336LJ]

Why are they called chicken coupes.

cause if they had 4 doors theyd be called chicken sedans.....



How many kids with A.D.D does it take to change a LETS GO SKATEBOARDING

[Lucas]

Why is the son called isiah?




Cause one eye's higher than the other

[zx12argh]

quote:Originally posted by Large

What's the difference between a duck?



One legs both the same.


Why do women get the rags and PMS?

Because they deserve it.

[pommybstd]

ok.. long joke time:

Jean-Pierre the Famous French Fighter Pilot took his girlfriend Marie out for a romantic picnic by the river. It was a beautiful location with a lightly grassed area on a bend in the slow-flowing river.. Marie was very impressed.

All is going well and Marie turns to Jean-Pierre.. "Jean-Pierre, will you kiss me...?"

"But of course!" he replies. He fumbles around in the picnic basket and pulls out a bottle of red wine, splashes a little on her mouth and kisses her.

Marie gasps with excitement, "but Jean-Pierre, why the wine?"

"Because," he replies, "I am Jean-Pierre the Famous French Fighter Pilot and when I have red meat, I have red wine"

Marie thinks that's the hottest thing she's heard! And askes him to kiss her lower down...

Jean-Pierre pulls a bottle of white wine out of the basket and pours a little onto her breasts and nuzzles away..

"But! But! Why the wine this time?" Marie flounders

"Because I am Jean-Pierre the Famous French Fighter Pilot, and when I have white meat, I have white wine!" he retorts

Marie is hotter than hell at this point, and begs him to kiss her..... lower...

Jean-Pierre pulls out a bottle of brandy, pours some between her thighs, strikes a match and her nether-regions are an inferno in no time. Screaming, Marie runs into the river and shouts "WHAT THE FUCK!! WHAT THE FUCK JEAN-PIERRE??!?!?!?!"

Jean looks at her and calmly says, "but Marie, I am Jean-Pierre the Famous French Fighter Pilot, and when I go down... I go down in flames..."


[:D:D:D:D]

[336LJ]

Bloke turns to his missus with a smirk on his face.

"I bet you cant tell me something that will make me both happy AND sad at the same time"

His missus thinks for a moment and replies

"your cock is bigger than your brothers"

[Chucky]

A bloe walks upto a bird at the bar

Bloke: "Geez your fuggin gargeous, whatz the chance of a root back at yar place"

Bird (whispers back); "I'd luv to darling but I can't because I'm on my Menstrual cycle"

Bloke: no fucking problem chuck it in the ute, I'll drive!

[DaveK5]

Woman goes missing in a white goods store, blood all over the floor
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Kelvinator

[zx12argh]

It was April and the Aboriginals in a remote part of Northern Australia asked their new elder if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was an elder in a modern community he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the tribe should collect firewood to be prepared.

But being a practical leader, after several days he had an idea. He walked out to the telephone booth on the highway, called the Bureau of Meteorology and asked, 'Is the coming winter in this area going to be cold?'
The meteorologist responded, 'It looks like this winter is going to be quite Cold.'

So the elder went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.

A week later he called the Bureau of Meteorology again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?' The meteorologist again replied, 'Yes, it's going to be a very cold winter.'

The elder again went back to his community and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later the elder called the Bureau again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?' he asked. 'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever.'
'How can you be so sure?' the elder asked.

The weatherman replied, 'Our satellites have reported that the Aboriginals in the north are collecting firewood like crazy, and that's always a sure sign.'

[Large]

Siamese twins walk into a pub in Ontario and park themselves on a bar stool.One of them says to the innkeeper, "Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip. I'm Joe, he's Jim, we'll have two Molson Canadian beers, draft please"

The innkeeper, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers "Been on holiday lately, boys?"

"Off to Australia next month," says Joe. "We go to Australia every year and hire a car and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees.

"Ah, Australia , "says the innkeeper." Wonderful country... the beaches, the beer, the food..."

"Nah, we don't like that Australian crap," says Joe. "Hamburgers & Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the Australians - they're rude ,crude and very arrogant"

"So why keep going to Australia ?" asks the innkeeper.

Joe replies, “It's the only chance Jim gets to drive.”

[336LJ]

There was a young girl who lived up in the hills of Tennessee. She was about to turn sixteen, and couldn't wait to get her driver's liscense.

She had been subjected to much ribbing from her older brother, telling her that she was too dumb to get her liscense.

When the big day came around, she passed the test with flying colors.

She rushed home and asked her father if she could use the car that night so she and her friend could go in to town where all the cool kids were at.

The father said, "Sure honey, but you'll have to give me a blow-job first."

Wanting to go to town real bad, she agreed.

As she went down on her father, she suddenly jumped up an said "Dad your dick tastes like shit"

Oh yea, her father replied, "I forgot, your brother's got the car tonight."

[336LJ]

Two peanuts walk into a bar.
One was a salted.



Q. Why don't guys like to perform oral on a woman the morning after sex?
A. Have you ever tried pulling apart a grilled cheese sandwich?

[Azrael]

Whats yellow and looks good on a hippy..

Fire!

[ralph]

Bloke walks into a bar.....Orders six scotches
"SIX SCOTCHES!". Barman replies "You must be celebrating something"
"Well as a matter of fact I got my first headjob today" He states
Barman says "Thats fantastic , you can have a seventh on the house"
To which he quickly replies "MATE IF SIX SCOTCHES DONT GET THIS TASTE OUTA MY MOUTH NUTHIN WILL!"

[Fight_fan]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while
he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the billiard balls.
To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole!
The bartender screams at the guy, 'Did you see what your monkey just did?'
'No, what?'
'He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!'
'Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,' replied the guy, 'he eats everything in sight. Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and other stuff.'
The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.

Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him.He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.While the man is having his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out and eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. 'Did you see what your monkey did now?'
'No, what?' replied the man.
'Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!' said the bartender.
'Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,' replied the guy. 'He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first.'

[Fight_fan]

Ray goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.

The doctor comes back and says, 'Ray, I'm not
going to beat around the bush

You have AIDS.'

Ray is devastated. 'Doc, what can I do?'

Eat 1 curry sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched
in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts,1/2 box of
All Bran, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice.'

Ray asks bewildered, 'Will that cure me, Doc?'

Doc says, 'No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of
what your arshole is for.