Gix11
14-01-2008, 02:15 PM
Why wasn't this printed out for me over Christmas? Would have sorted many a night:
ALCOHOL TROUBLESHOOTING
Read as follows
1.SYMPTOM
2.FAULT
3.ACTION
SYMPTOM:Feet cold and wet.
FAULT:Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION:Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM:Feet warm and wet.
FAULT:Improper bladder control.
ACTION:Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
SYMPTOM:Drink unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT:Glass empty.
ACTION:Get someone to buy you another drink.
SYMPTOM:Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT:You have fallen over backward.
ACTION:Have yourself lashed to bar.
SYMPTOM:Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT:You have fallen forward.
ACTION:See above.
SYMPTOM:Alcohol tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT:Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION:Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM:Floor blurred.
FAULT:You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION:Get someone to buy you another drink.
SYMPTOM:Floor moving.
FAULT:You are being carried out.
ACTION:Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM:Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT:Bar has closed.
ACTION:Confirm home address with bartender.
SYMPTOM:Taxi suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures.
FAULT:Alcohol consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION:Cover mouth.
SYMPTOM:Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT:You are dancing on the table.
ACTION:Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
SYMPTOM:Drink is crystal-clear.
FAULT:It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION:Punch him.
SYMPTOM:Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT:You have been in a fight.
ACTION:Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
SYMPTOM:Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT:You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION:See if they have free alcohol.
SYMPTOM:Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT:The drink is too weak.
ACTION:Have more alcohol until your voice improves.
SYMPTOM:Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT:Drink is just right.
ACTION:Play air guitar.
ALCOHOL TROUBLESHOOTING
Read as follows
1.SYMPTOM
2.FAULT
3.ACTION
SYMPTOM:Feet cold and wet.
FAULT:Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION:Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM:Feet warm and wet.
FAULT:Improper bladder control.
ACTION:Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
SYMPTOM:Drink unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT:Glass empty.
ACTION:Get someone to buy you another drink.
SYMPTOM:Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT:You have fallen over backward.
ACTION:Have yourself lashed to bar.
SYMPTOM:Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT:You have fallen forward.
ACTION:See above.
SYMPTOM:Alcohol tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT:Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION:Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM:Floor blurred.
FAULT:You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION:Get someone to buy you another drink.
SYMPTOM:Floor moving.
FAULT:You are being carried out.
ACTION:Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM:Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT:Bar has closed.
ACTION:Confirm home address with bartender.
SYMPTOM:Taxi suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures.
FAULT:Alcohol consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION:Cover mouth.
SYMPTOM:Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT:You are dancing on the table.
ACTION:Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
SYMPTOM:Drink is crystal-clear.
FAULT:It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION:Punch him.
SYMPTOM:Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT:You have been in a fight.
ACTION:Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
SYMPTOM:Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT:You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION:See if they have free alcohol.
SYMPTOM:Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT:The drink is too weak.
ACTION:Have more alcohol until your voice improves.
SYMPTOM:Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT:Drink is just right.
ACTION:Play air guitar.