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Gix11
14-01-2008, 02:15 PM
Why wasn't this printed out for me over Christmas? Would have sorted many a night:

ALCOHOL TROUBLESHOOTING

Read as follows

1.SYMPTOM
2.FAULT
3.ACTION

SYMPTOM:Feet cold and wet.
FAULT:Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION:Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM:Feet warm and wet.
FAULT:Improper bladder control.
ACTION:Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM:Drink unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT:Glass empty.
ACTION:Get someone to buy you another drink.

SYMPTOM:Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT:You have fallen over backward.
ACTION:Have yourself lashed to bar.

SYMPTOM:Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT:You have fallen forward.
ACTION:See above.

SYMPTOM:Alcohol tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT:Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION:Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM:Floor blurred.
FAULT:You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION:Get someone to buy you another drink.

SYMPTOM:Floor moving.
FAULT:You are being carried out.
ACTION:Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM:Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT:Bar has closed.
ACTION:Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM:Taxi suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures.
FAULT:Alcohol consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION:Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM:Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT:You are dancing on the table.
ACTION:Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM:Drink is crystal-clear.
FAULT:It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION:Punch him.

SYMPTOM:Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT:You have been in a fight.
ACTION:Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM:Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT:You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION:See if they have free alcohol.

SYMPTOM:Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT:The drink is too weak.
ACTION:Have more alcohol until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM:Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT:Drink is just right.
ACTION:Play air guitar.

sharky
14-01-2008, 03:01 PM
I believe you forgot 1 Si....

SYMPTOM: Appear to have wrong image on video playback .
FAULT:Video camera is pointing at you instead of burnout
ACTION:Learn to use camera for next time

;)

Gix11
14-01-2008, 03:12 PM
...or one for Shayne:

SYMPTOM: Everything seems to be very dark, then light for a few seconds, and then dark again .
FAULT:You have fallen alseep
ACTION:Pretend to go to Rave Party but go to bed instead (even though your kids want to stay cause it's early).