From a wife to her Husband....

[Tony Nitrous]

To my darling husband,

Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.

I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart. I am enclosing a picture for you.

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

P.S. Your girlfriend called.

Your loving wife.

http://img470.imageshack.us/img470/6099/crash1on1vk0.jpg

[Tony Nitrous]

Three male Labrador retrievers -- one
brown, one yellow and one black were sitting
in the waiting room at the vet's surgery when
they struck up a conversation.

The black lab turned to the brown and said,
"So why are you here?"

The brown lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I
pìss on everything --the sofa, the curtains,
the cat, the kids. But the final straw was
last night when I pissed in the middle of my
owner's bed."

The black lab said, "So what is the vet going
to do?"

Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from
the brown lab. "They reckon it'll calm
me down."

The black lab then turned to the yellow lab
and asked, "Why are you here?"

The yellow lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig
under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig
just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I
dig up the carpets. But I went over the
line last night when I dug a great big hole in
my owner's couch."

So what are they going to do to you?" the
black lab inquired.

"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too." The
dejected yellow lab said.

The yellow lab then turned to the black lab
and asked, "Why are you
here?"

I'm a humper," the black lab said. "I'll
hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the
table, postboxes, whatever. I want to hump
everything I see.

Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the
shower and was bending down to dry her toes,
and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on
her back and started humping away at her".

The yellow and brown labs exchanged a sad
glance and said, "So, nuts off for you too,
huh?"

The black lab said.... "No, I'm here to get
my nails clipped."