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BillyWhizz888
30-05-2006, 12:11 PM
SOCIAL SKILLS

Engineers have different objectives when it comes to social interaction. "Normal" people expect to accomplish several unrealistic things from social interaction:

- Stimulating and thought-provoking conversation
- Important social contacts
- A feeling of connectedness with other humans.
In contrast to "normal" people, engineers have rational objectives for social interactions:

- Get it over with as soon as possible.
- Avoid getting invited to something unpleasant.
- Demonstrate mental superiority and mastery of all subjects.

FASCINATION WITH GADGETS

To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of two categories:

1. things that need to be fixed, and
2. things that will need to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to play with them.

Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems. Normal people don't understand this concept; they believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet. No engineer looks at a television remote control without wondering what it would take to turn it into a stun gun. No engineer can take a shower without wondering if some sort of Teflon coating would make showering unnecessary. To the engineer, the world is a toy box full of sub-optimised and feature-poor toys.

FASHION AND APPEARANCE

Clothes are the lowest priority for an engineer, assuming the basic thresholds for temperature and decency have been satisfied. If no appendages are freezing or sticking together then the objective of clothing has been met. Anything else is a waste.

DATING AND SOCIAL LIFE

Dating is never easy for engineers. A normal person will employ various indirect and duplicitous methods to create a false impression of attractiveness. Engineers are incapable of placing appearance above function. Fortunately, engineers have an ace in the hole. They are widely recognised as superior marriage material:

- intelligent
- dependable
- employed
- honest, and
- handy around the house

While it's true that many normal people would prefer not to date an engineer, most normal people harbour an intense desire to mate with them, thus producing engineer-like children who will have high-paying jobs long before losing their virginity. Male engineers reach their peak of sexual attractiveness later than normal men, becoming irresistible erotic dynamos in their mid thirties to late forties. Just look at these examples of sexually irresistible men in technical professions: Bill Gates. MacGyver. Etcetera. Female engineers become irresistible at the age of consent and remain that way until their death.

HONESTY

Engineers are always honest in matters of technology and human relationships. That's why it's a good idea to keep engineers away from customers, romantic interests, and other people who can't handle the truth. Engineers sometimes bend the truth to avoid work. They say things that sound like lies but technically are not because nobody could be expected to believe them. The complete list of engineer lies includes: "I won't change anything without asking you first." "I'll return your hard-to-find cable tomorrow." "I have to have new equipment to do my job." "I'm not jealous of your new computer".

FRUGALITY

Engineers are notoriously frugal. This is not because of cheapness or mean spirit; it is simply because every spending situation is simply a problem in optimization, that is, "How can I escape this situation while retaining the greatest amount of cash?"

POWERS OF CONCENTRATION

If there is one trait that best defines an engineer it is the ability to concentrate on one subject to the complete exclusion of everything else in the environment. This sometimes causes engineers to be pronounced dead prematurely. Some funeral homes in high-tech areas have started checking resumes before processing the bodies. Anybody with a degree in electrical engineering or experience in computer programming is propped up in the lounge for a few days just to see if he or she snaps out of it.

RISK

Engineers hate risk. They try to eliminate it whenever they can. This is understandable, given that when an engineer makes one little mistake the media will treat it like it's a big deal or something. Here are some examples of bad press for engineers:

- Hindenburg
- Space Shuttle Challenger
- SPANet(tm)
- Hubble space telescope
- Apollo 13
- Titanic
- Ford Pinto
- Corvair

The risk/reward calculation for engineers looks something like this:
RISK: Public humiliation and the death of thousands of innocent people
REWARD: A certificate of appreciation in a handsome plastic frame.

Being practical people, engineers evaluate this balance of risks and rewards and decide that risk is not a good thing. The best way to avoid risk is by advising that any activity is technically impossible for reasons that are far too complicated to explain. If that approach is not sufficient to halt the project, then the engineer will fall back to a second line of defence: "It's technically possible but it will cost too much."

EGO

Ego-wise, two things are important to engineers:

- How smart they are.
- How many cool devices they own.

The fastest way to get an engineer to solve a problem is to declare that the problem is unsolvable. No engineer can walk away from an unsolvable problem until it's solved. No illness or distraction is sufficient to get the engineer off the case. These types of challenges quickly become personal - a battle between the engineer and the laws of nature. Engineers will go without food and hygiene for days to solve a problem. (Other times just because they forgot.) And when they succeed in solving the problem they will experience an ego rush that is better than sex. Nothing is more threatening to the engineer than the suggestion that somebody has more technical skill. Normal people sometimes use that knowledge as a lever to extract more work from the engineer. When an engineer says that something can't be done (a code phrase that means it's not fun to do), some clever normal people have learned to glance at the engineer with a look of compassion and pity and say something along these lines: "I'll ask Bob to figure it out. He knows how to solve difficult technical problems." At that point it is a good idea for the normal person to not stand between the engineer and the problem. The engineer will set upon the problem like a starved Chihuahua on a pork chop.


xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Five surgeons were taking a coffee break. The first surgeon said, "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second surgeon said, "Nah, librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The third surgeon responded, "Try electricians, man! Everything inside them is color coded."

Then the fourth doctor interceded, "I prefer lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless and their heads and their butts are interchangeable."

To which the fifth surgeon, who had been quietly listening to the conversation, replied, "I like engineers. They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end."


xxxxxxxxxxxx

You might be an engineer if . . .

. . . you have no life and can prove it mathematically.

. . . you enjoy pain.

. . . you know vector calculus but you can't remember how to do long division.

. . . you chuckle whenever anyone says “centrifugal force.”

. . . you've actually ever used every single function on your graphing calculator.

. . . when you look in the mirror, you see an engineering major.

. . . it is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer.

. . . you frequently whistle the theme song to “MacGyver.”

. . . you always do homework on Friday nights.

. . . you know how to integrate a chicken and can take the derivative of water.

. . . you think in “math.”

. . . you've calculated that the World Series actually diverges.

. . . you hesitate to look at something because you don't want to break down its wave function.

. . . you have a pet named after a scientist.

. . . you laugh at jokes about mathematicians.

. . . the Humane Society has had you arrested because you actually performed the Schroedinger's Cat Experiment.

. . . you can translate English into Binary.

. . . you can't remember what's behind the door in the science building which says "Exit.”

. . . you have to bring a jacket with you, in the middle of summer, because there's a wind-chill factor in the lab.

. . . you are completely addicted to caffeine.

. . . you avoid doing anything because you don't want to contribute to the eventual heat-death of the universe.

. . . you consider any non-science course “easy.”

. . . when your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim to have accidentally determined its momentum so precisely, that according to Heisenberg it could be anywhere in the universe.

. . . the “fun” center of your brain has deteriorated from lack of use.

. . . you'll assume that a “horse” is a “sphere” in order to make the math easier.

. . . you understood more than five of these indicators.

. . . you make a hard copy of this list and post it on your office door.

. . . you think it might be a neat idea to send this message to all of your friends in the form of email.

. . . you know the glass is neither half full nor half empty; it's simply twice as big as it needs to be.


xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called up to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, "I like both."

"Both?"

Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to work and get some real work done.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

fimpBIKES
30-05-2006, 12:58 PM
yeah, sounds about right

BOHEMION
30-05-2006, 01:07 PM
Yep what he said..........

03gixxerpilot
30-05-2006, 03:44 PM
you got me worried now cause i think that thing about the stungun in the tv remote

sluglie
30-05-2006, 05:56 PM
damn, i have been found out. and yes i have emailed it to a few 'friends'

crazymofo
30-05-2006, 06:00 PM
*sobs*

its so true :D

cheers.joe.

30-05-2006, 09:03 PM
my father,uncle,grandfather and great grandfather are/were all engineers. And im fucked if id ever have an opinion during conversation around the dinner table at Christmas.

BOHEMION
30-05-2006, 10:08 PM
HAHAHAHHAHAHA Davo, explains the out bursts hahaha[:p]

BillyWhizz888
03-06-2006, 01:35 AM
Now.... in some codes and specs...
it calls for Engineers to be qualified
4 years pooftah training
5 years on the job....
I wonder what the crack is these days..........

any articulate persns out there!!!!!

NakedTurboBusa
03-06-2006, 11:31 PM
I have all manner of stun guns ( tazer) impliments..... but cs gas, pepper spray fixes the red wagons..... engineers reports still cost money unless you get audio and video of them doing things their wifes would take half for.... its all maths.... oh and fear, with a few morals thrown in... still costs money.

cheers

Pete

fimpBIKES
04-06-2006, 01:03 PM
please explain "pooftah training"???

BillyWhizz888
06-06-2006, 10:38 PM
Thats just having a dig at spending 4 years in a class room,
to come out and watch the tradesmen earn more......
no intentional harm meant, just enough of a nudge to get some people going :D

fimpBIKES
06-06-2006, 11:47 PM
really, i hardly noticed....
oh, and it was more like 6, but who's counting :D

sluglie
07-06-2006, 12:16 AM
yeah, 6 with 2 years writing thesis, only to end up being a bleedin drafter (still make more money than in the electo/mechanical design trade though)

NakedTurboBusa
07-06-2006, 09:28 AM
Anyone care to give me basic quote for engineer cert for my bike....

cheers

Pete

fimpBIKES
07-06-2006, 01:07 PM
u need a registered automotive engineer pete,

minimum price is $130, can get much higher though...

BillyWhizz888
14-06-2006, 11:19 AM
Environmental Engineers List

People who work in the fields of science & technology are not like other people. This can be frustrating to the non-technical people who have to deal with them. The secret to coping with technology-oriented people is to understand their motivations. This chapter will teach you everything you need to know. I learned their customs & mannerisms by observing them, much the way Jane Goodall learned about the great apes, but without the hassle of grooming.

Engineering is so trendy these days that everybody wants to be one. The word "engineer" is greatly overused. If there's somebody in your life who you think is trying to pass as an engineer, give him this test to discern the truth.

ENGINEER IDENTIFICATION TEST
You walk into a room & notice that a picture is hanging crooked. You...

(A) Straighten it;
(B) Ignore it;
(C) Buy a CAD system & spend the next 6 months designing a solar-powered, self-adjusting picture frame while often stating aloud your belief that the inventor of the nail was a total moron.

The correct answer is "C" but partial credit can be given to anybody who writes "It depends" in the margin of the test or simply blames the whole stupid thing on "Marketing."

SOCIAL SKILLS
Engineers have different objectives when it comes to social interaction. "Normal" people expect to accomplish several unrealistic things from social interaction:

* Stimulating & thought-provoking conversation;
* Important social contacts;
* A feeling of connectedness with other humans.

In contrast to "normal" people, engineers have rational objectives for social interactions:

* Get it over with as soon as possible;
* Avoid getting invited to something unpleasant;
* Demonstrate mental superiority & mastery of all subjects.

FASCINATION WITH GADGETS
To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into 1 of 2 categories:

(1) Things that need to be fixed; &
(2) Things that will need to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to play with them.

Engineers like to solve problems.

If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems. "Normal" people don't understand this concept; they believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

No engineer looks at a TV remote control without wondering what it would take to turn it into a stun gun. No engineer can take a shower without wondering if some sort of Teflon coating would make showering unnecessary. To the engineer, the world is a toy-box full of sub-optimized & feature-poor toys.

FASHION AND APPEARANCE
Clothes are the lowest priority for an engineer, assuming the basic thresholds for temperature & decency have been satisfied. If no appendages are freezing or sticking together, & if no genitalia or mammary glands are swinging around in plain view, then the objective of clothing has been met. Anything else is a waste.

LOVE OF "STAR TREK"
Engineers love all of the "Star Trek" TV shows & movies. It's a small wonder, since the engineers on the Starship Enterprise are portrayed as heroes, occasionally even having sex with aliens. This is much more glamorous than the real life of an engineer, which consists of hiding from the universe & having sex without the participation of other life forms.

DATING & SOCIAL LIFE
Dating is never easy for engineers. A normal person will employ various indirect & duplicitous methods to create a false impression of attractiveness. Engineers are incapable of placing appearance above function. Fortunately, engineers have an ace in the hole. They are widely recognized as superior marriage material: intelligent, dependable, employed, honest, & handy around the house. While it's true that many normal people would prefer not to date an engineer, most normal people harbour an intense desire to mate with them, thus producing engineer-like children who will have high-paying jobs.

Male engineers reach their peak of sexual attractiveness later than normal men, becoming irresistible erotic dynamos in their mid-30’s to late 40’s. Just look at these examples of sexually irresistible men in technical professions:

* Bill Gates;
* MacGyver;
* Etcetera.

Female engineers become irresistible at the age of consent & remain that way until about 30 minutes after their clinical death. Longer if it's a warm day.

HONESTY
Engineers are always honest in matters of technology & human relationships. That's why it's a good idea to keep engineers away from customers, romantic interests, & other people who can't handle the truth. Engineers sometimes bend the truth to avoid work. They say things that sound like lies but technically are not because nobody could be expected to believe them. The complete list of engineer lies is listed below.

"I won't change anything without asking you first."

"I'll return your hard-to-find cable tomorrow."

"I have to have new equipment to do my job."

"I'm not jealous of your new computer."

FRUGALITY
Engineers are notoriously frugal. This is not because of cheapness or mean spirit; it is simply because every spending situation is simply a problem in optimization, that is "How can I escape this situation while retaining the greatest amount of cash?"

POWERS OF CONCENTRATION
If there is 1 trait that best defines an engineer, it is the ability to concentrate on 1 subject to the complete exclusion of everything else in the environment. This sometimes causes engineers to be pronounced dead prematurely. Some funeral homes in high-tech areas have started checking résumés before processing the bodies. Anybody with a degree in electrical engineering or experience in computer programming is propped up in the lounge for a few days just to see if he or she snaps out of it.

RISK
Engineers hate risk. They try to eliminate it whenever they can. This is understandable, given that when an engineer makes 1 little mistake, the media will treat it like it's a big deal or something.

EXAMPLES OF BAD PRESS FOR ENGINEERS
* Hindenberg
* Space Shuttle Challenger
* SPANet(tm)
* Hubble space telescope
* Apollo 13
* Titanic
* Ford Pinto
* Corvair

The risk/reward calculation for engineers looks something like this:

RISK: Public humiliation & the death of 1000’s of innocent people;
REWARD: A certificate of appreciation in a handsome plastic frame.

Being practical people, engineers evaluate this balance of risks & rewards & decide that risk is not a good thing. The best way to avoid risk is by advising that any activity is technically impossible for reasons that are far too complicated to explain. If that approach is insufficient to halt a project, then the engineer will fall back to a second line of defence: "It's technically possible but it will cost too much."

EGO
Ego-wise, 2 things are important to engineers:

* How smart they are;
* How many cool devices they own.

The fastest way to get an engineer to solve a problem is to declare that the problem is unsolvable. No engineer can walk away from an unsolvable problem until it's solved. No illness or distraction is sufficient to get the engineer off the case. These types of challenges quickly become personal - a battle between the engineer & the laws of nature. Engineers will go without food & hygiene for days to solve a problem. (Other times just because they forgot.) & when they succeed in solving the problem they will experience an ego rush that is better than sex - & I'm including the kind of sex where other people are involved. Nothing is more threatening to the engineer than the suggestion that somebody has more technical skill. "Normal" people sometimes use that knowledge as a lever to extract more work from the engineer. When an engineer says that something can't be done (a code phrase that means it's not fun to do), some clever "normal" people have learned to glance at the engineer with a look of compassion & pity & say something along these lines

"I'll ask Bob to figure it out. He knows how to solve difficult technical problems."

At that point it is a good idea for the "normal" person to not stand between the engineer & the problem. The engineer will set upon the problem like a starved Chihuahua on a pork chop.

speeddemon
14-06-2006, 05:35 PM
So how did you guess - all sounds soo familiar.

I always though the death of 1000's of people would be a bonus depending on what part of Sydney it happended in. See i have even more fun cause i get to build a dam and drown em all - more satisfaction that way. Any of you live in Penrith - dont... good thing the gov decided to put about 300,000 people in that thing called a swimming pool...sorry western sydney.