BillyWhizz888
30-05-2006, 12:11 PM
SOCIAL SKILLS
Engineers have different objectives when it comes to social interaction. "Normal" people expect to accomplish several unrealistic things from social interaction:
- Stimulating and thought-provoking conversation
- Important social contacts
- A feeling of connectedness with other humans.
In contrast to "normal" people, engineers have rational objectives for social interactions:
- Get it over with as soon as possible.
- Avoid getting invited to something unpleasant.
- Demonstrate mental superiority and mastery of all subjects.
FASCINATION WITH GADGETS
To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of two categories:
1. things that need to be fixed, and
2. things that will need to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to play with them.
Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems. Normal people don't understand this concept; they believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet. No engineer looks at a television remote control without wondering what it would take to turn it into a stun gun. No engineer can take a shower without wondering if some sort of Teflon coating would make showering unnecessary. To the engineer, the world is a toy box full of sub-optimised and feature-poor toys.
FASHION AND APPEARANCE
Clothes are the lowest priority for an engineer, assuming the basic thresholds for temperature and decency have been satisfied. If no appendages are freezing or sticking together then the objective of clothing has been met. Anything else is a waste.
DATING AND SOCIAL LIFE
Dating is never easy for engineers. A normal person will employ various indirect and duplicitous methods to create a false impression of attractiveness. Engineers are incapable of placing appearance above function. Fortunately, engineers have an ace in the hole. They are widely recognised as superior marriage material:
- intelligent
- dependable
- employed
- honest, and
- handy around the house
While it's true that many normal people would prefer not to date an engineer, most normal people harbour an intense desire to mate with them, thus producing engineer-like children who will have high-paying jobs long before losing their virginity. Male engineers reach their peak of sexual attractiveness later than normal men, becoming irresistible erotic dynamos in their mid thirties to late forties. Just look at these examples of sexually irresistible men in technical professions: Bill Gates. MacGyver. Etcetera. Female engineers become irresistible at the age of consent and remain that way until their death.
HONESTY
Engineers are always honest in matters of technology and human relationships. That's why it's a good idea to keep engineers away from customers, romantic interests, and other people who can't handle the truth. Engineers sometimes bend the truth to avoid work. They say things that sound like lies but technically are not because nobody could be expected to believe them. The complete list of engineer lies includes: "I won't change anything without asking you first." "I'll return your hard-to-find cable tomorrow." "I have to have new equipment to do my job." "I'm not jealous of your new computer".
FRUGALITY
Engineers are notoriously frugal. This is not because of cheapness or mean spirit; it is simply because every spending situation is simply a problem in optimization, that is, "How can I escape this situation while retaining the greatest amount of cash?"
POWERS OF CONCENTRATION
If there is one trait that best defines an engineer it is the ability to concentrate on one subject to the complete exclusion of everything else in the environment. This sometimes causes engineers to be pronounced dead prematurely. Some funeral homes in high-tech areas have started checking resumes before processing the bodies. Anybody with a degree in electrical engineering or experience in computer programming is propped up in the lounge for a few days just to see if he or she snaps out of it.
RISK
Engineers hate risk. They try to eliminate it whenever they can. This is understandable, given that when an engineer makes one little mistake the media will treat it like it's a big deal or something. Here are some examples of bad press for engineers:
- Hindenburg
- Space Shuttle Challenger
- SPANet(tm)
- Hubble space telescope
- Apollo 13
- Titanic
- Ford Pinto
- Corvair
The risk/reward calculation for engineers looks something like this:
RISK: Public humiliation and the death of thousands of innocent people
REWARD: A certificate of appreciation in a handsome plastic frame.
Being practical people, engineers evaluate this balance of risks and rewards and decide that risk is not a good thing. The best way to avoid risk is by advising that any activity is technically impossible for reasons that are far too complicated to explain. If that approach is not sufficient to halt the project, then the engineer will fall back to a second line of defence: "It's technically possible but it will cost too much."
EGO
Ego-wise, two things are important to engineers:
- How smart they are.
- How many cool devices they own.
The fastest way to get an engineer to solve a problem is to declare that the problem is unsolvable. No engineer can walk away from an unsolvable problem until it's solved. No illness or distraction is sufficient to get the engineer off the case. These types of challenges quickly become personal - a battle between the engineer and the laws of nature. Engineers will go without food and hygiene for days to solve a problem. (Other times just because they forgot.) And when they succeed in solving the problem they will experience an ego rush that is better than sex. Nothing is more threatening to the engineer than the suggestion that somebody has more technical skill. Normal people sometimes use that knowledge as a lever to extract more work from the engineer. When an engineer says that something can't be done (a code phrase that means it's not fun to do), some clever normal people have learned to glance at the engineer with a look of compassion and pity and say something along these lines: "I'll ask Bob to figure it out. He knows how to solve difficult technical problems." At that point it is a good idea for the normal person to not stand between the engineer and the problem. The engineer will set upon the problem like a starved Chihuahua on a pork chop.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Five surgeons were taking a coffee break. The first surgeon said, "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second surgeon said, "Nah, librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The third surgeon responded, "Try electricians, man! Everything inside them is color coded."
Then the fourth doctor interceded, "I prefer lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless and their heads and their butts are interchangeable."
To which the fifth surgeon, who had been quietly listening to the conversation, replied, "I like engineers. They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end."
xxxxxxxxxxxx
You might be an engineer if . . .
. . . you have no life and can prove it mathematically.
. . . you enjoy pain.
. . . you know vector calculus but you can't remember how to do long division.
. . . you chuckle whenever anyone says “centrifugal force.”
. . . you've actually ever used every single function on your graphing calculator.
. . . when you look in the mirror, you see an engineering major.
. . . it is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer.
. . . you frequently whistle the theme song to “MacGyver.”
. . . you always do homework on Friday nights.
. . . you know how to integrate a chicken and can take the derivative of water.
. . . you think in “math.”
. . . you've calculated that the World Series actually diverges.
. . . you hesitate to look at something because you don't want to break down its wave function.
. . . you have a pet named after a scientist.
. . . you laugh at jokes about mathematicians.
. . . the Humane Society has had you arrested because you actually performed the Schroedinger's Cat Experiment.
. . . you can translate English into Binary.
. . . you can't remember what's behind the door in the science building which says "Exit.”
. . . you have to bring a jacket with you, in the middle of summer, because there's a wind-chill factor in the lab.
. . . you are completely addicted to caffeine.
. . . you avoid doing anything because you don't want to contribute to the eventual heat-death of the universe.
. . . you consider any non-science course “easy.”
. . . when your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim to have accidentally determined its momentum so precisely, that according to Heisenberg it could be anywhere in the universe.
. . . the “fun” center of your brain has deteriorated from lack of use.
. . . you'll assume that a “horse” is a “sphere” in order to make the math easier.
. . . you understood more than five of these indicators.
. . . you make a hard copy of this list and post it on your office door.
. . . you think it might be a neat idea to send this message to all of your friends in the form of email.
. . . you know the glass is neither half full nor half empty; it's simply twice as big as it needs to be.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called up to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?"
Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to work and get some real work done.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Engineers have different objectives when it comes to social interaction. "Normal" people expect to accomplish several unrealistic things from social interaction:
- Stimulating and thought-provoking conversation
- Important social contacts
- A feeling of connectedness with other humans.
In contrast to "normal" people, engineers have rational objectives for social interactions:
- Get it over with as soon as possible.
- Avoid getting invited to something unpleasant.
- Demonstrate mental superiority and mastery of all subjects.
FASCINATION WITH GADGETS
To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of two categories:
1. things that need to be fixed, and
2. things that will need to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to play with them.
Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems. Normal people don't understand this concept; they believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet. No engineer looks at a television remote control without wondering what it would take to turn it into a stun gun. No engineer can take a shower without wondering if some sort of Teflon coating would make showering unnecessary. To the engineer, the world is a toy box full of sub-optimised and feature-poor toys.
FASHION AND APPEARANCE
Clothes are the lowest priority for an engineer, assuming the basic thresholds for temperature and decency have been satisfied. If no appendages are freezing or sticking together then the objective of clothing has been met. Anything else is a waste.
DATING AND SOCIAL LIFE
Dating is never easy for engineers. A normal person will employ various indirect and duplicitous methods to create a false impression of attractiveness. Engineers are incapable of placing appearance above function. Fortunately, engineers have an ace in the hole. They are widely recognised as superior marriage material:
- intelligent
- dependable
- employed
- honest, and
- handy around the house
While it's true that many normal people would prefer not to date an engineer, most normal people harbour an intense desire to mate with them, thus producing engineer-like children who will have high-paying jobs long before losing their virginity. Male engineers reach their peak of sexual attractiveness later than normal men, becoming irresistible erotic dynamos in their mid thirties to late forties. Just look at these examples of sexually irresistible men in technical professions: Bill Gates. MacGyver. Etcetera. Female engineers become irresistible at the age of consent and remain that way until their death.
HONESTY
Engineers are always honest in matters of technology and human relationships. That's why it's a good idea to keep engineers away from customers, romantic interests, and other people who can't handle the truth. Engineers sometimes bend the truth to avoid work. They say things that sound like lies but technically are not because nobody could be expected to believe them. The complete list of engineer lies includes: "I won't change anything without asking you first." "I'll return your hard-to-find cable tomorrow." "I have to have new equipment to do my job." "I'm not jealous of your new computer".
FRUGALITY
Engineers are notoriously frugal. This is not because of cheapness or mean spirit; it is simply because every spending situation is simply a problem in optimization, that is, "How can I escape this situation while retaining the greatest amount of cash?"
POWERS OF CONCENTRATION
If there is one trait that best defines an engineer it is the ability to concentrate on one subject to the complete exclusion of everything else in the environment. This sometimes causes engineers to be pronounced dead prematurely. Some funeral homes in high-tech areas have started checking resumes before processing the bodies. Anybody with a degree in electrical engineering or experience in computer programming is propped up in the lounge for a few days just to see if he or she snaps out of it.
RISK
Engineers hate risk. They try to eliminate it whenever they can. This is understandable, given that when an engineer makes one little mistake the media will treat it like it's a big deal or something. Here are some examples of bad press for engineers:
- Hindenburg
- Space Shuttle Challenger
- SPANet(tm)
- Hubble space telescope
- Apollo 13
- Titanic
- Ford Pinto
- Corvair
The risk/reward calculation for engineers looks something like this:
RISK: Public humiliation and the death of thousands of innocent people
REWARD: A certificate of appreciation in a handsome plastic frame.
Being practical people, engineers evaluate this balance of risks and rewards and decide that risk is not a good thing. The best way to avoid risk is by advising that any activity is technically impossible for reasons that are far too complicated to explain. If that approach is not sufficient to halt the project, then the engineer will fall back to a second line of defence: "It's technically possible but it will cost too much."
EGO
Ego-wise, two things are important to engineers:
- How smart they are.
- How many cool devices they own.
The fastest way to get an engineer to solve a problem is to declare that the problem is unsolvable. No engineer can walk away from an unsolvable problem until it's solved. No illness or distraction is sufficient to get the engineer off the case. These types of challenges quickly become personal - a battle between the engineer and the laws of nature. Engineers will go without food and hygiene for days to solve a problem. (Other times just because they forgot.) And when they succeed in solving the problem they will experience an ego rush that is better than sex. Nothing is more threatening to the engineer than the suggestion that somebody has more technical skill. Normal people sometimes use that knowledge as a lever to extract more work from the engineer. When an engineer says that something can't be done (a code phrase that means it's not fun to do), some clever normal people have learned to glance at the engineer with a look of compassion and pity and say something along these lines: "I'll ask Bob to figure it out. He knows how to solve difficult technical problems." At that point it is a good idea for the normal person to not stand between the engineer and the problem. The engineer will set upon the problem like a starved Chihuahua on a pork chop.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Five surgeons were taking a coffee break. The first surgeon said, "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second surgeon said, "Nah, librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The third surgeon responded, "Try electricians, man! Everything inside them is color coded."
Then the fourth doctor interceded, "I prefer lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless and their heads and their butts are interchangeable."
To which the fifth surgeon, who had been quietly listening to the conversation, replied, "I like engineers. They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end."
xxxxxxxxxxxx
You might be an engineer if . . .
. . . you have no life and can prove it mathematically.
. . . you enjoy pain.
. . . you know vector calculus but you can't remember how to do long division.
. . . you chuckle whenever anyone says “centrifugal force.”
. . . you've actually ever used every single function on your graphing calculator.
. . . when you look in the mirror, you see an engineering major.
. . . it is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer.
. . . you frequently whistle the theme song to “MacGyver.”
. . . you always do homework on Friday nights.
. . . you know how to integrate a chicken and can take the derivative of water.
. . . you think in “math.”
. . . you've calculated that the World Series actually diverges.
. . . you hesitate to look at something because you don't want to break down its wave function.
. . . you have a pet named after a scientist.
. . . you laugh at jokes about mathematicians.
. . . the Humane Society has had you arrested because you actually performed the Schroedinger's Cat Experiment.
. . . you can translate English into Binary.
. . . you can't remember what's behind the door in the science building which says "Exit.”
. . . you have to bring a jacket with you, in the middle of summer, because there's a wind-chill factor in the lab.
. . . you are completely addicted to caffeine.
. . . you avoid doing anything because you don't want to contribute to the eventual heat-death of the universe.
. . . you consider any non-science course “easy.”
. . . when your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim to have accidentally determined its momentum so precisely, that according to Heisenberg it could be anywhere in the universe.
. . . the “fun” center of your brain has deteriorated from lack of use.
. . . you'll assume that a “horse” is a “sphere” in order to make the math easier.
. . . you understood more than five of these indicators.
. . . you make a hard copy of this list and post it on your office door.
. . . you think it might be a neat idea to send this message to all of your friends in the form of email.
. . . you know the glass is neither half full nor half empty; it's simply twice as big as it needs to be.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called up to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?"
Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to work and get some real work done.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx