Jockney Rebel
21-09-2010, 10:24 AM
think this may cover all the minority groups as well as the majority ones.
I've just come out of the deli with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days'. I told him 'I wish I had your fucking will power'
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A woman buys a wall mirror from Bunnings. The Manager asks “would you like a screw for that mirror?” "No," she said “but I'll suck your cock for a lawn mower”.
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Top tip; if you're camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex...........Wish me luck in court next Monday.
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I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today. Apparently the instruction 'finish off on her face' didn't mean what I thought it did.
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A fat bird served me food in McDonalds at lunch time. She said 'Sorry about the wait'. I replied 'Don't worry you fat bitch, you'll lose it eventually'
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Paddy is walking down the road eating a bag of doughnuts. Murphy meets him & asks 'If I can guess how many doughnuts you have in the bag, can I have one? Paddy said 'If you can guess how many doughnuts are in there you can have both of them'. Murphy shouts 'Four!'
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One of life's great mysteries - How is it that a woman can fit an eight-inch vibrator into her half inch snatch IN THE DARK, but can't fit an eight-foot car into a fifteen-foot parking space IN BROAD FUCKING DAYLIGHT.?
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Marriage counsellor to a couple who are contemplating divorce. 'Tell me something both of you have in common'. Husband after a long awkward silence 'Well neither of us sucks cock'.
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Snow! The weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself 'She'll be fucking lucky with a face like that!'
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I have a new chat up line that works everytime!! It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them ... Here's how it goes 'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'
__________________________________________________ _______________________
Years ago it was suggested 'that an apple a day kept the doctor away'. But since all the doctors are now Muslims, I've found that a bacon sandwich works a treat!
__________________________________________________ _______________________
The local mosque is having a bonfire tonight but keep it a secret .... they don't know about it yet!
__________________________________________________ _______________________
My girlfriend says the hardest thing in the world is to balance a career and a family. She's obviously never tried to balance a laptop on her knees while having a wank.
__________________________________________________ _______________________
SKY SPORTS BREAKING NEWS: It has been announced that next year's shirt sponsor for TIGER WOODS will be Tampax. A spokesman for Tampax said "To sponsor a cunt going through a bad period is exactly what our company is all about."
__________________________________________________ _______________________
When I put my Christmas lights up this year I wasn't sure whether or not it would offend my Muslim neighbours. So just to be on the safe side I painted 'Allah is a cunt' on my garage door.
__________________________________________________ _______________________
5000 men surveyed were asked why they like blowjobs: 1% liked the warmth 2% liked the sensation 3% liked the eroticism & 94% just liked the peace and quiet.
__________________________________________________ _______________________
Just wanted to let you know that in 2010 I will no longer be forwarding or sending racist jokes. Racism is a crime. And crime is for black people
__________________________________________________ _______________________
Be careful out there. Driving conditions are awful. Today I slid off the road and hit a Muslim. It took two fields and a golf course, but I got the twat in the end.
__________________________________________________ _______________________
I was having great sex today when just as we got towards the climax my wife completely ruined the moment and said those words that just fills a man's heart with fear dread & panic ... "Hi Honey I'm home".
I've just come out of the deli with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days'. I told him 'I wish I had your fucking will power'
__________________________________________________ ______________________
A woman buys a wall mirror from Bunnings. The Manager asks “would you like a screw for that mirror?” "No," she said “but I'll suck your cock for a lawn mower”.
__________________________________________________ _______________________
Top tip; if you're camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex...........Wish me luck in court next Monday.
__________________________________________________ _______________________
I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today. Apparently the instruction 'finish off on her face' didn't mean what I thought it did.
__________________________________________________ _______________________
A fat bird served me food in McDonalds at lunch time. She said 'Sorry about the wait'. I replied 'Don't worry you fat bitch, you'll lose it eventually'
__________________________________________________ _______________________
Paddy is walking down the road eating a bag of doughnuts. Murphy meets him & asks 'If I can guess how many doughnuts you have in the bag, can I have one? Paddy said 'If you can guess how many doughnuts are in there you can have both of them'. Murphy shouts 'Four!'
__________________________________________________ _______________________
One of life's great mysteries - How is it that a woman can fit an eight-inch vibrator into her half inch snatch IN THE DARK, but can't fit an eight-foot car into a fifteen-foot parking space IN BROAD FUCKING DAYLIGHT.?
__________________________________________________ _______________________
Marriage counsellor to a couple who are contemplating divorce. 'Tell me something both of you have in common'. Husband after a long awkward silence 'Well neither of us sucks cock'.
__________________________________________________ _______________________
Snow! The weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself 'She'll be fucking lucky with a face like that!'
__________________________________________________ _______________________
I have a new chat up line that works everytime!! It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them ... Here's how it goes 'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'
__________________________________________________ _______________________
Years ago it was suggested 'that an apple a day kept the doctor away'. But since all the doctors are now Muslims, I've found that a bacon sandwich works a treat!
__________________________________________________ _______________________
The local mosque is having a bonfire tonight but keep it a secret .... they don't know about it yet!
__________________________________________________ _______________________
My girlfriend says the hardest thing in the world is to balance a career and a family. She's obviously never tried to balance a laptop on her knees while having a wank.
__________________________________________________ _______________________
SKY SPORTS BREAKING NEWS: It has been announced that next year's shirt sponsor for TIGER WOODS will be Tampax. A spokesman for Tampax said "To sponsor a cunt going through a bad period is exactly what our company is all about."
__________________________________________________ _______________________
When I put my Christmas lights up this year I wasn't sure whether or not it would offend my Muslim neighbours. So just to be on the safe side I painted 'Allah is a cunt' on my garage door.
__________________________________________________ _______________________
5000 men surveyed were asked why they like blowjobs: 1% liked the warmth 2% liked the sensation 3% liked the eroticism & 94% just liked the peace and quiet.
__________________________________________________ _______________________
Just wanted to let you know that in 2010 I will no longer be forwarding or sending racist jokes. Racism is a crime. And crime is for black people
__________________________________________________ _______________________
Be careful out there. Driving conditions are awful. Today I slid off the road and hit a Muslim. It took two fields and a golf course, but I got the twat in the end.
__________________________________________________ _______________________
I was having great sex today when just as we got towards the climax my wife completely ruined the moment and said those words that just fills a man's heart with fear dread & panic ... "Hi Honey I'm home".