JackTar
07-06-2010, 09:49 AM
The information given in this document is not to be communicated,
either directly or indirectly, to the pressor any person not authorised
to receive it, being a woman, metroseual or twink.
AUSTRALIAN ARMY
MAN STANDING ORDERS & DIRECTIVES – VOLUME 1
MANSODS 1-1-1
2010
© Commonwealth of Australia (Manhood) 2010
(Original signed)
Barry Dawson
Chief Instructor – Cougar Arts
MAN
May 10 (Original signed)
Chuck Norris
Action Hero
MAN
May 10
All Men, Manly men, Real men, Arseholes, Bastards, Pricks, Blokes, but not incuding, Wankers, SNAGs, any man with a sensitive nature, Hippies, Fags or Twinks, are responsible for the sponsorship of this manphlet. This Doctrine Production of MANSODs is managed by HSW Instr – Army School of Health(y Men). Chief signatories are Chuck Norris & Barry Dawson.
AMENDMENT CIRTIFICATE
1. Proposals for amendments or additions to the text of this manphlet should be made through normal channels to the sponsor.
2. It is certified that the amendments promulgated in the undermentioned
amendment lists have been made in this manphlet.
3. All amendment list names undermentioned will be submitted to christopher.owen@defence.gov.au and adam.tyne@defence.gov.au
Amendment List Amended by (printed name and initials) Date of amending
Number Date
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
DISTRIBUTION
1. Australian Army Men
Preface
The official standards of Directives that are to be complied with by all men within the Australian Army to comply with this official Army Manual.
1. You are not to wear compression skins without covering shorts.
2. Alcohol is only to be TAKEN to a BBQ not AWAY, unless it is in your OWN chilli bin.
3. Only wallets without coin compartments may be carried; all other wallets are known purses.
4. Hats can’t be worn when driving, the only time hats can be warn is when your banging it in.
5. In no circumstance can a shirt be tucked into jeans.
6. Under no circumstances are you to be in a relationship with a woman who is taller than you.
7. Runners / Joggers are only to be worn with sports wear, sports wear does not include:
a. Jeans,
b. Jean Shorts,
c. Dress Shorts,
d. Cargo Pants,
e. Surf Shorts, and
f. Suits / Trousers.
8. You are not to own a cat outright, or a dog that looks like a cat.
Figure 1-01: Dog dressed as Cat
9. Men do not eat quiche, only egg pie.
10. You can not grow a moustache unless they are under these circumstances:
a. It is Movember,
b. They have handle bars you can twirl,
c. It is for a charity, and
d. You are trying to disguise yourself from the police.
e. When out bush on Ex, not OP as most deployments have adequate SALs.
11. The only item that can be worn on your wrist is a watch, no bangles or bracelets. If you wear a med alert bracelet, don’t gay it up get a tat instead.
12. If you drive a hairdresser car to work any more than twice a week, you can’t clam it is your wife’s car, face it you drive a fag-mobile.
13. The following food items cannot be eaten with a knife and fork:
a. Meat Pies/Sausage rolls
b. Sausages
c. Hamburgers
d. Pizza
e. Kebabs
f. Corn
g. Chips
h. Nachos
i. Anything between bread products.
14. Under no circumstance are you to shave your legs. There are no excuses for this, you cant even clipper them.
15. No item of clothing is to be worn that may result in the exposure or protrusion of a man nipple. This includes clothing such as:
a. Mesh,
b. Latex and or Spandex, and
c. Thin / see-through material.
16. This is not satchel it is a man purse, and it is not cool if Indiana Jones has one.
17.
Figure 1-02: Man purse.
18. The following is the only time’s when crying is justifiable to a man:
a. Your team loses a grand final
b. Death of a family member or dog (not cat)
c. When waxing ones sack
19. You are not allowed to come to work on the blob and be all hormonal to your work colleagues. Regardless of the reason… No exceptions.
20. Colouring hair is out of the question, unless of cause you are attempting to hide red hair IOT maintain what little dignity you may have left.
21. Men are not to drink ‘chick’ drinks. The following are examples:
a. Appletini
b. Mocktail
c. Breezers
d. Vodka cranberry
e. Dakiri’s
f. Shandi’s
22. Men can only wear makeup in the following circumstances…
a. NEVER (maybelene cam cream is MAKEUP)
23. You are not to fake an injury when playing sport. Example: Soccer players faking an injury to get a free kick. It’s just gay! Get some balls and take a hit.
24. Tortoise shell is only to be worn by Tortoise’s, it is not a colour for sunglasses….futhermore only colours on the rainbow are REAL.
25. At no stage in any mans life is it ok to wear socks with anything other than a sports logo… It is to have no written text on the socks…
26. At no stage is it acceptable to put another car’s badge onto your own car and try to pass a Holden Commodore as a Chevrolet or Pontiac, that shit is uncool. If driving an Aussie Holden, then be proud to drive an Aussie Holden.
27. Bro’s before Hoe’s. Period!
28. Having a relationship with a mates wife while he is overseas is to be punished by DEATH…..You know who you are
29. You must be able to take it if you give it, no cut faces, if so you must yell CUTFACE as loud as possible to attract everyone’s attention, and then followed up by a token smile.
30. Instructor’s of the year should always be known as IOY… Pronounced oiy… In their presence you are to stand fast at his sheer awesomeness and salute to his prolific status.
31. ‘Man touching’ is only acceptable during sports, or games of gay chicken.
32. ManTans – Spray Tans, Fake Tans, Solarium Tans, Bottle Tans, Bronzers and all other forms of ManTans are totally off limit. Tans should be natural and generally from playing outdoor sports and or exercise.
33. Chick flicks are for chicks. Men may only go to a chick flick when single and in the company of a chick they are trying to bone. Married or taken men need not go as they have already scored.
34. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is
forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
35. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another
man. However, beer is acceptable.
36. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask
the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
37. Women who claim they 'love to watch sports' must be treated as spies
until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as
much as the other sports watchers.
38. Never compliment a bloke on his six-pack, unless you’re talking
about his choice of beer.
39. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for
her to drive yours, unless she knows the make, model and the working components of the combustion engine.
40. Nivea, L’Oreal and other similar products are for women. Just because they have the words “for men” in the title, doesn’t make it so. Wash your face with soap and water, have a shave, apply aftershave immediately after shaving to feel the burn. Man up you metrosexual twink.
41. A man’s best friend is his dog, not his girlfriend or wife.
42. Only have sex with an ugly chick if you can’t be bothered wanking.
43. Chivalry is NOT dead. It is perfectly acceptable to open a door for a lady, to pay for the popcorn, or to give up your coat for her on a cold night.
44. You may pay for her drinks only to score with her. Otherwise she can buy her own drinks the cocktease toe-rag.
45. A man’s lawn, whether it be front or back, is a direct reflection of himself.
46. Thou shall not covet your neighbour’s lawn.
either directly or indirectly, to the pressor any person not authorised
to receive it, being a woman, metroseual or twink.
AUSTRALIAN ARMY
MAN STANDING ORDERS & DIRECTIVES – VOLUME 1
MANSODS 1-1-1
2010
© Commonwealth of Australia (Manhood) 2010
(Original signed)
Barry Dawson
Chief Instructor – Cougar Arts
MAN
May 10 (Original signed)
Chuck Norris
Action Hero
MAN
May 10
All Men, Manly men, Real men, Arseholes, Bastards, Pricks, Blokes, but not incuding, Wankers, SNAGs, any man with a sensitive nature, Hippies, Fags or Twinks, are responsible for the sponsorship of this manphlet. This Doctrine Production of MANSODs is managed by HSW Instr – Army School of Health(y Men). Chief signatories are Chuck Norris & Barry Dawson.
AMENDMENT CIRTIFICATE
1. Proposals for amendments or additions to the text of this manphlet should be made through normal channels to the sponsor.
2. It is certified that the amendments promulgated in the undermentioned
amendment lists have been made in this manphlet.
3. All amendment list names undermentioned will be submitted to christopher.owen@defence.gov.au and adam.tyne@defence.gov.au
Amendment List Amended by (printed name and initials) Date of amending
Number Date
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
DISTRIBUTION
1. Australian Army Men
Preface
The official standards of Directives that are to be complied with by all men within the Australian Army to comply with this official Army Manual.
1. You are not to wear compression skins without covering shorts.
2. Alcohol is only to be TAKEN to a BBQ not AWAY, unless it is in your OWN chilli bin.
3. Only wallets without coin compartments may be carried; all other wallets are known purses.
4. Hats can’t be worn when driving, the only time hats can be warn is when your banging it in.
5. In no circumstance can a shirt be tucked into jeans.
6. Under no circumstances are you to be in a relationship with a woman who is taller than you.
7. Runners / Joggers are only to be worn with sports wear, sports wear does not include:
a. Jeans,
b. Jean Shorts,
c. Dress Shorts,
d. Cargo Pants,
e. Surf Shorts, and
f. Suits / Trousers.
8. You are not to own a cat outright, or a dog that looks like a cat.
Figure 1-01: Dog dressed as Cat
9. Men do not eat quiche, only egg pie.
10. You can not grow a moustache unless they are under these circumstances:
a. It is Movember,
b. They have handle bars you can twirl,
c. It is for a charity, and
d. You are trying to disguise yourself from the police.
e. When out bush on Ex, not OP as most deployments have adequate SALs.
11. The only item that can be worn on your wrist is a watch, no bangles or bracelets. If you wear a med alert bracelet, don’t gay it up get a tat instead.
12. If you drive a hairdresser car to work any more than twice a week, you can’t clam it is your wife’s car, face it you drive a fag-mobile.
13. The following food items cannot be eaten with a knife and fork:
a. Meat Pies/Sausage rolls
b. Sausages
c. Hamburgers
d. Pizza
e. Kebabs
f. Corn
g. Chips
h. Nachos
i. Anything between bread products.
14. Under no circumstance are you to shave your legs. There are no excuses for this, you cant even clipper them.
15. No item of clothing is to be worn that may result in the exposure or protrusion of a man nipple. This includes clothing such as:
a. Mesh,
b. Latex and or Spandex, and
c. Thin / see-through material.
16. This is not satchel it is a man purse, and it is not cool if Indiana Jones has one.
17.
Figure 1-02: Man purse.
18. The following is the only time’s when crying is justifiable to a man:
a. Your team loses a grand final
b. Death of a family member or dog (not cat)
c. When waxing ones sack
19. You are not allowed to come to work on the blob and be all hormonal to your work colleagues. Regardless of the reason… No exceptions.
20. Colouring hair is out of the question, unless of cause you are attempting to hide red hair IOT maintain what little dignity you may have left.
21. Men are not to drink ‘chick’ drinks. The following are examples:
a. Appletini
b. Mocktail
c. Breezers
d. Vodka cranberry
e. Dakiri’s
f. Shandi’s
22. Men can only wear makeup in the following circumstances…
a. NEVER (maybelene cam cream is MAKEUP)
23. You are not to fake an injury when playing sport. Example: Soccer players faking an injury to get a free kick. It’s just gay! Get some balls and take a hit.
24. Tortoise shell is only to be worn by Tortoise’s, it is not a colour for sunglasses….futhermore only colours on the rainbow are REAL.
25. At no stage in any mans life is it ok to wear socks with anything other than a sports logo… It is to have no written text on the socks…
26. At no stage is it acceptable to put another car’s badge onto your own car and try to pass a Holden Commodore as a Chevrolet or Pontiac, that shit is uncool. If driving an Aussie Holden, then be proud to drive an Aussie Holden.
27. Bro’s before Hoe’s. Period!
28. Having a relationship with a mates wife while he is overseas is to be punished by DEATH…..You know who you are
29. You must be able to take it if you give it, no cut faces, if so you must yell CUTFACE as loud as possible to attract everyone’s attention, and then followed up by a token smile.
30. Instructor’s of the year should always be known as IOY… Pronounced oiy… In their presence you are to stand fast at his sheer awesomeness and salute to his prolific status.
31. ‘Man touching’ is only acceptable during sports, or games of gay chicken.
32. ManTans – Spray Tans, Fake Tans, Solarium Tans, Bottle Tans, Bronzers and all other forms of ManTans are totally off limit. Tans should be natural and generally from playing outdoor sports and or exercise.
33. Chick flicks are for chicks. Men may only go to a chick flick when single and in the company of a chick they are trying to bone. Married or taken men need not go as they have already scored.
34. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is
forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
35. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another
man. However, beer is acceptable.
36. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask
the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
37. Women who claim they 'love to watch sports' must be treated as spies
until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as
much as the other sports watchers.
38. Never compliment a bloke on his six-pack, unless you’re talking
about his choice of beer.
39. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for
her to drive yours, unless she knows the make, model and the working components of the combustion engine.
40. Nivea, L’Oreal and other similar products are for women. Just because they have the words “for men” in the title, doesn’t make it so. Wash your face with soap and water, have a shave, apply aftershave immediately after shaving to feel the burn. Man up you metrosexual twink.
41. A man’s best friend is his dog, not his girlfriend or wife.
42. Only have sex with an ugly chick if you can’t be bothered wanking.
43. Chivalry is NOT dead. It is perfectly acceptable to open a door for a lady, to pay for the popcorn, or to give up your coat for her on a cold night.
44. You may pay for her drinks only to score with her. Otherwise she can buy her own drinks the cocktease toe-rag.
45. A man’s lawn, whether it be front or back, is a direct reflection of himself.
46. Thou shall not covet your neighbour’s lawn.