Q)What does a blonde and a Screen door have in common?
A) The more you bang, the Looser it gets.
Q)What does a blonde and a Screen door have in common?
A) The more you bang, the Looser it gets.
Q)Why is a blonde like a shotgun?
A)Give her a cock, and shes ready to blow.
Q) Whats the Differance between a blonde and a Mesquito?
A)When you slap the Mesquito it stops sucking
Q. What do you do if a Blonde throws a pin at you?
A. Run, she's got a grenade in her mouth!
A blonde goes into a laundry mat and asks to have her sweater cleaned. The laundromat attendant doesn't hear her correctly and says, "come again?" The blonde blushes slightly and giggles, "oh, no it's just mustard this time."
A boy takes his girlfriend home after going out together. When they reach the front door, he leans against the wall with one hand and says,
"Sweetie, can you give me a blowjob?"
"What? Are you crazy!?"
He says "Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem."
"No!! Someone may see -- a relative, a neighbor, anyone..."
"At this time of the night? No one will show up honey..."
She insistantly says "I've already said NO. Someone will see us."
At this point he pleas one last time, "My love... Please don't be like that..."
At that moment, the girlfriend's younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown with her hair totally in disorder. Rubbing her eyes, she says,
"Dad says either you have to blow him, I have to blow him, or he will come down and give the guy a blowjob himself, but for God's sake, tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the damn intercom button!"
A man and his son were talking about sex.
The son asked his father, "dad, what does a pussy look like?"
The dad asked him, "before or after sex?"
"Ummmm, before sex", the kid replied.
The dad said, "have you ever seen a beautiful red rose with soft red petals?"
"Yeah" said the son.
"Well, what about after sex?" said the son.
His dad replied, "have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise"!!!
Q. Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
A. It's not real bright, but its cheap, and spreads easy.
Sky Sports Breaking News:
It has been announced that next years shirt sponsor for Tiger Woods will be Tampax.
A spokesman for Tampax said "To sponsor a cunt going through a bad period is exactly what our company is all about"
A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which country had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.
The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.
The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeckable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers ). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.
The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeckable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.
Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country? After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:
Apparently, Tiger Woods was right, when he said, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.
Ladies and Gentelmen, take my advise. "Pull down your pants and slide on the ice."
Paki and a nigger fall off blackpool tower at the same time,
Who hits the ground first?
Although im sure ur tempted to say who gives a fuck,
The actual answer is the nigger,
As the paki is a shade lighter.
A Blacktown girl goes to Centrelink to register for child benefits.
"How many children?" asks the assessor
"Six" replies the Blacktown girl,
"Six?" says the Centrelink worker."What are their names?"
"Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan & Nathan."
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the Blacktown girl, "Its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have shout 'NATHAN, YER DINNER'S READY!' or 'NATHAN GO TO BED NOW!' and they all do it..."
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed Centrelink worker.
"That's easy," says the Blacktown girl... "I just use their surnames"
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A Fairfield girl enters an adult shop & asks for a vibrator.
The man says: "Choose one from our range on the wall."
She says "I'll take the red one."
The man replies: "That's a fire extinguisher."
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Q. Two Redfern girls jump off a cliff. Who wins?
A. Society.
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Q. What do you call a 30 year old Mt Druitt girl?
A. Granny.
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Q. Why did the Redfern girl cross the road?
A. To start a fight with a complete stranger for no reason whatsoever.
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Q. What do you call a Bankstown girl in a white tracksuit?
A. The bride.
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Q. What's the first question during an Wentworthville quiz night?
A. What you looking at?
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Q. What does a Mt Druitt girl use as protection during sex?
A. A bus shelter.
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Q. Two Cabramatta kids in a car without any music - who is driving?
A. The policeman.
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Q. What's the most confusing day in Blacktown ?
A. Fathers day
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Q. How do people know Jesus wasn't born in Blacktown ?
A. You try finding 3 wise men and a virgin there!
Went to a charity disco last week in aid of women born without legs, dance floor was crawling with fanny.
What's the difference between a women and a condom nothing if she's not on your knob she is in your wallet
They reckon that beer contains female hormones. They might be right, because after 16pints I talk like a cunt and can't fucking drive!
:cool: Oblivious !!
THIS OUGHT TO MAKE ALL GRANDPAS FEEL WARM & FUZZY
A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her Grandpa.
When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa's room .....
"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"
"What?" said her Grandpa.
"Make a noise like a frog - because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disneyland !"
Understanding Engineers - Take one
Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said,
'Where did you get such a great bike?'
The second engineer replied, 'Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want.'
The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, 'Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway.'
Understanding Engineers - Take Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Understanding Engineers - Take Three
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, 'What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes !'
The doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!'
The priest said, 'Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.'
He said, 'Hello, George! What's wrong with that group ahead of us they're rather slow, aren't they?'
The greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving
our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'
The doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm speak to my ophthalmologist colleague to see if we can help.'
The engineer said, 'Why can't they play at night?'
Understanding Engineers - Take Four
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.
Understanding Engineers - Take Five
The graduate with a science degree asks, 'Why does it work?'
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, 'How does it work?'
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, 'How much will it cost?'
The graduate with a performing arts degree asks, 'Do you want fries with that?'
Understanding Engineers - Take Six
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, 'It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.'
Another said, 'No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections.'
The last one said, 'No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer.
Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?'
Understanding Engineers - Take Seven
Normal people believe that if it isn't broken, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it isn't broken, it doesn't have enough features
The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor in a small town in Ireland. One day he was walking down the high street when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The Reverend wasn't happy!
He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.
"Miss Fitzgerald," he said sternly - "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"
"Sure!" she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.
When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Miss Fitgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.
The pub landlord looked over and said, "Oy mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub."
The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, "But you don't understand. - I'm Pastor Fluff."
The landlord said, "Ah well, if you're that far in, ye might as well finish."
How many calories are in eating pussy?
Depends which way she wipes..
Q/ Whats a farmers biggest problem if he plants a field of vibrators???
A/ Squatters.
You are blonde and on a bus, when you suddenly fart.
Luckily the music is very loud.
So every time you fart, you time it with the music.
When you start making your way to the door as you exit the bus
Everybody is throwing dagger looks at you, and you suddenly realize.
Your listening to your ipod
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him,
'My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor.'
'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,' Mike replies.
'There's a diagnostic computer down at Bunnings. Just give it a urine
sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do
about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs $10 . . . A lot cheaper than a Doctor.'
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Bunnings.
He deposits $10, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine
sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
activity. It will improve in two weeks.
Thank you for shopping @ Bunnings.'
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe
began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from
his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Bunnings, eager to check the results.
He deposits $10, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a solicitor.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping @ Bunnings :-)
A Saudi couple, Ahmed and Layla, preparing for their wedding, meet with their Mullah for counselling. The Mullah asks if they have any last questions before they leave.
Ahmed asks, "We realise it's tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance together." "Absolutely not," says the Mullah. "It's immoral. Men and women always dance separately."
"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?" "No," answered the Mullah, "It's forbidden in Islam."
"Well, okay," says Ahmed, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?" "Of course!" replies the Mullah, "Allah Akbar! Sex is OK within marriage, to have children!"
"What about different positions?" asks the man. "Allah Akbar! Mafi Mushkila (no problem)," says the Mullah.
"Woman on top?" Ahmed asks. "Sure," says the Mullah. "Allah Akbar. Go for it!" "Doggy style?" "Sure! Allah Akbar!" "On the kitchen table?" "Yes, yes! Allah Akbar!"
"Can I do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a bucket of honey and a porno video?" "You may indeed. Allah Akbar!"
"Can we do it standing up?" "No, absolutely not!" says the Mullah." "Why not?" asks the man. "Because that could lead to dancing!"
A man goes to the doctors feeling a little ill.
The doctor checks him over and says, 'Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus.
It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live.
There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth.'
So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news.
Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before.
They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins $35.
Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins $320.
Then he gets the full house and wins $1000.
Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too getting $380,000.
The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says,
'Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full house and the national game on the same card.
You must be the luckiest man on Earth!'
'Lucky?' he screamed. 'Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24.'
'F**k me,' says the bingo caller. 'You've won the raffle as well !!
Ladies and Gentelmen, take my advise. "Pull down your pants and slide on the ice."
A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left.
A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left.
A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut? The "barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half." The guy left.
The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keep asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."
A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So, where does that guy go when he leaves?" Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said,
"Your house!"
A truckie who has been out on the road for three weeks stops
into a brothel outside Kalgoorlie.
He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says,
I want your ugliest woman and a burnt chop.!!
The Madam is astonished. 'But sir, for that kind of money you
could have one of my finest ladies and a lovely three-course meal.
The truckie replies, 'I'm not horny . . . . ... I'm homesick.
Ladies and Gentelmen, take my advise. "Pull down your pants and slide on the ice."
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