Jokes

[Bear]

Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so, of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man standing there.
'Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night... Thought you might like to come. About 5.00?'
'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.'
As Lars is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you......be some drinkin'.'
'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em.'
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. 'More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too.'
'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there. Thanks again.'
'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'
'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?'
'Don't much matter ..... Just gonna be the two of us.'

[Bear]

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes.
We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.
My dad kept staring at him.
The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

"Got drunk once and f**ked a peacock.I was just wondering if you were my son."

[Weaselman]

LOL

[boris]

yeah bear cheech and chong
what does a 9 volt battery and a womans asshole have in common
you know it's wrong but sooner or later you're gonna put your tongue on it

[boris]

a little girl goes to the barbers with her dad and is standing next to him eating a cake while he's getting his hair cut, the barber says" you're gonna get hair on your muffin little lady" and she says "I know, I'm gonna get tits too you dirty old bastard"

[336LJ]

Aboriginal girl is gettin ready to go to her first party,
her mum says: "ok, now remember, those boys are all going to want to put there prized posessions where you piss"
Daughter asks: "why the fuck would they want to put their thongs in the sink?"

How is a woman like a KFC 2 piece feed?

When you're finished with the breast and the thigh all you have left is a greasy box to throw your bone into

[boris]

2 bikies sitting at the bar having a beer first bikie asks" how's that new missus of yours?' The second says "I fucked her off mate" first says "WTF she was fucking hot as mate why?" second "went out the other morning to piss in the kitchen sink and the dirty bitch hadn't even done the dishes"

[Jockney Rebel]

Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today,
I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.'

The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today.
When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex..
That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.'

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You Say and I feel Great.
I be at work soon...... 'You got nice house'.

[CBRRRT]

Little boy on his way home from school is nearly hit by a welders mask and leather apron as they fly off the back of a pickup truck going round the corner.

The little boy thinks "Cool I can pretend to be a welder" and puts on the mask and leather apron.

As he starts off on his way home, a pedophile pulls up beside him in his car and asks the lad if he would like a lift home, and the young lad jumps in and says "Thanks Mr"

As they travel along the road the pedo asks the boy if he knows what a penis is.

The boy says "Well not realy, no"

The pedo then asks the lad if he knows what buggery is.

The boy is growing a little uneasy and says to the pedo, "Not to sure about that one Mr"

The guy then asks the boy if he knows what a Pedophile is.

The boy says to the pedo "Look mate I gotta come clean, I'm not a real welder"

[CBRRRT]

Q: What type of file do you need to make a hole from this big..... 'o' to this big..... 'o'

A: A Pedophile.

[Bear]

Two Gay Guys are walking through a zoo.

They come across the gorilla and notice that the male gorilla has a massive erection.

The gay men are fascinated by this.

One of the men just can't bear it any longer, and he reaches into the cage to touch it.

The gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage and mates with him for six hours, non-stop, while the zoo attendants helplessly stand by.

When he's done, the gorilla throws the man out of the cage.

An ambulance is called and the man is taken away to the hospital.

A few days later, his friend visits him in the hospital and asks, 'Are you hurt?'

'AM I HURT?' he shouts,
'Wouldn't you be? He hasn't called....he hasn't written....'

[Bear]

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood & began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to p*ss off & let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.
'OK, follow me', he said & flew out of the cave with hundreds of excited bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river & into a huge forest. Finally he slowed down & all the other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood. 'Do you see that large oak tree over there?' he asked.
'YES, YES, YES!!!' the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
'Good for you!' said the bat, 'because I f*cking didn't.'

[CBRRRT]

Simple Simon met a Pie Man going to the fair.

Said simple Simon to the Pie man 'What have you got there'[]

Said the Pie Man to simple Simon 'Pies you thick cunt'

[Jockney Rebel]

the keepers in a Glasgow zoo were concerned about the gorillas inability to mate with there female ,
so in desperatuion decide that maybe if they mated it with a suitable human the gorilla would get jealous and get stuck in ..so..
they approach a rather large intern on work experience called Angus

"angus cmere aminute son "says the head keeper
"whit ye want"says angus
"weve got a bit of a delicate situation with that female gorilla ower there"
wed be wonderin if yed be willin tae shag her fir 500pounds "

Angus wnet away to think about it after awhile he returns and says
"right well... ill dae it with one condition...ye ll have tae give me a few weeks tae come up with the money"

[Bear]

A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands money. After he gets the money, he turns to a customer and asks,

'Did you see me rob this bank?'
The man replied, 'Yes sir, I did.'
The robber then shoots him in the head, killing him instantly.

He then turns to a couple standing next to him and asks the man,
'Did you see me rob this bank?'
The man replied, 'No sir, I didn't, but my wife did!'

[CBRRRT]

Smarty and Polo mint are sitting in the pub haveing a pint. Just then Tune walks in and Smarty puts his hand up. Polo mint says to Samarty "You want to stay clear of that one mate, he's fucking menthol"

[CBRRRT]

Guy walks into the pub and asks for a pint and a glass of milk for the toothless ferrit.

The barman says "What fucking good is a toothless ferrit"

The guy says "That ferrit will give you the best blow job you have ever had in your life"

Barman says "Bollocks"

Guy says "Take it to the toilet, and give it a go"

Ten minutes later the barman comes back with a huge grin on his face and offers the guy £1000.00 there and then. The guy is a little hard up so takes the money.

The barman takes the ferrit up stairs and hands it to his wife.
She takes one look at it and asks "What do you want me to do with that?"

The barman says "Teach it to cook, then fuck off!"

[CBRRRT]

Prince Charles is driving around his estate, hits a rabbit and flattens it. [xx(]

Being a soppy cunt he starts to look round for something to bury it in, and finds an old lamp.

As he is dusting off the lamp a Genie pops out and asks Charles to make a wish.

Charles thinks, well I have everything I could want, so what can I wish for.

He then thinks back to the rabbit he flattened and asks the Genie if he can bring it back to life.

The Genie says to Prince Charles "Fuck me mate, give me a chance, you've seen the rabbit, it’s fucked. Now think of something else, go on!

Charles then asks the Genie if he could make Camilla beautiful.

The Genie thinks for a moment or two and says to Charles

"Let’s have another look at that rabbit" [^]

[Bear]

MAN TEST

1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard
stomach, you are a queer. It means you haven't sucked
back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of
your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah
diet...Faggot.

2. If you have a cat, you are a homo. A cat is like a
dog, but queer-- it grooms itself constantly but never
scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses
its claws, and whines to be fed. And just think about how
you call a dog... 'Killer, come here! I said get your
arse over here, Killer!' Now think about how you call a
cat...'Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!' Jeeezus,
you're pitched, you're so queer.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby
pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a
Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws,
raw oysters, lobster backs, pickled pigs feet, or tits.
Anything else and you are a Homo in training and undeniably
a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom
or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual
relationship. A man's world is his bathroom; he
defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee,
you're as camp as a row of tents. A straight man will
never be heard ordering a 'Decaf Soy Latte'. If
you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've
had a man there too.

6. If you know more than six names of non-standard
colors or four different types of dessert other than ice
cream and custard, you might as well be handing out free arse
passes. A real man doesn't have memory space in his
brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out
chartreuse or you know what a 'fressier' is;
you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile
other than cotton or denim, you are poofter.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget
it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts
both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-arse driver or to
cut the prick off. The rest of the time he needs that hand
to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, or hold his
beer.