An Asian woman goes in to her local NAB Branch and begins exchanging her money.
After the transaction is complete she asks the teller 'Why it change, yesterday I get two hunat dollar for my money, today I only get hunat eighty?'
The teller looked over his glasses and says very slowly...."fluctuations".
The Asian woman narrows her eyes and says, "fluck you Aussies too"
STOP CHOKING - AUSSIE STYLE
A woman sitting in an Adelaide Pub suddenly began to cough. After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress, and two locals, Bluey and Bazza sitting at the next table turned to look at her.
Ken ya swaller? asked Bluey
The woman signalled 'No!', desperately shaking her head.
Kin ya breathe?' asked Bazza. The woman shook her head No!!!
With that, Bluey walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress, yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of her arse.
This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.
Bluey swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.
Bazza said in admiration 'Ya know Bluey, I'd heard of that bloody Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen somebody do it.'
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend to Husband and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend
In addition, Husband uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance and Personal Attention and then installed undesirable programs such as AFL; The Ashes; Football and Golf Clubs
Conversation no longer runs, and Housecleaning simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed, Desperate
.................................................. ....................
Dear Desperate,
First keep in mind, Boyfriend is an Entertainment Package, while Husband is an Operating System.
Please enter the command: 'http: I Thought You Loved Me.html' and try to download Tears and don't forget to install the Guilt update. If that application works as designed, Husband should then automatically run the applications Jewellery and Flowers.
But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband to default to Grumpy Silence, Happy Hour or Beer.
Beer is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).
Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband.
In summary, Husband is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.
We recommend Food and Hot Lingerie.
Good Luck, Tech Support
Keep your cursor OUT of the picture until you see the Whale.
Then move your mouse cursor onto the picture, but stand back, you might get wet (it's like it's 3D). Click on the picture when it loads completely and be sure that your sound is on
CLICK ON: http://www.toilette-humor.com/cartoon.html
Little Mark ON MATHS
A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?' She calls on little MARK.
He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'
The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'
Then little MARK says, 'I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'
To which Little MARK replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the Wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'
LITTLE MARK ON MATH (Part 2)
Little MARK returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic
'Why?' asks the father?
'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies MARK.
'But that's right!' says his dad.
'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''
'What's the f_cking difference?' asks the father
'That's what I said!'
LITTLE MARK ON ENGLISH
Little MARK goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'
MARK says 'M@s-tur-b@te.'
Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little MARK, that's a mouthful.'
Little MARK says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a bl@wjob.'
LITTLE MARK ON GRAMMAR
Little MARK was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a p_ss!!'
The teacher replied, 'Now, MARK, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urin@te.'
Please use the word 'ur-I-n@te' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow You to go.'
Little MARK, thinks for a bit, and then says, 'You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN !'
LITTLE MARK ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.
First, she called! On little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'
'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
'My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'
She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little MARK.
'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was Pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f_cking beautiful!''
LITTLE MARK ON GETTING OLDER
Little MARK was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said,
'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'
Little MARK replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old..'
The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'
Little MARK answered, 'No, he minded his own f_cking business.
Got bored and went through some of the emails in my funny folder
"thumbs up"
Yes but statistically six out of seven dwarves aren't grumpy either.quote:Originally posted by Docktor
One for Rod........
Statistically,six out of seven dwarves are not happy.
What pink and got 7 dints in it ??? .......................snow whites hymen
Bloke walks up to a woman at a bar
"Hi, whats your name"
"carmen" she replies
"Really, thats a nice name, why carmen?" he asked.
" well I named myself after 2 of my most favorite things in the whole world, cars, and men." she explained.
"oh I see" he says
"so whats your name" carmen asks the gentlemen.
"..... BEERCUNT! "
40 black fellers die in a bus crash and all rock up to the pearly gates, St peter says,
"woooh guys.. woah, I'v just got official word from God, he said he can only let half of you guys in, so sort it out amongst yourselves and I'll be back to take down the names of who you choose"
20min later St Peter fronts up to God "theyre gone!!"
"Who, the black fellers" asks God.
"Nah the fuckin gates!"
What do you call 100 black fellas rolling down a hill?
An abolanche
A man asked his wife "What would you do if we won lotto?"
The wife replied "I would take half and divorce you"
"That's good" he replied. "We won Division 4.
Here's $12.50 - now f@ck off"
I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirtyand sexy, so I suggested we meet up.She turned out to be an undercover detective.How cool is that at her age?!
I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up.She said I had to stop w-anking.When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"
I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. Imean, a ginger kid, with two friends?
A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a d!ldo flies out andthumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son'sinnocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was aninsect."To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the groundwith a cock like that."
I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed himin front of a steam train.He was chuffed to bits.
When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of thekids.Took her out with one punch.
My granddad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed."It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.
A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that hewas caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-olddaughter.Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they arebound to be curious about 5ex at that age.""Curious about 5ex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendixout!"
I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behinda gravestone. I said "morning."He replied, "No, just having a shit."
Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run aroundin.
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed.How could anyone stoop so low? I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on afifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"
theyre gold davio even my missus laughed so they must be fucken funny
What do you call a leb stuck between two walls?
Ali
What do you call a leb you rats on his mates?
Wazim
A guy was stranded on a desert island with Heidi Klum. Initially, he played it cool, not making any moves on her for several weeks. Finally, he asked her if they could start a physical relationship, so as to attend to each other's needs. Heidi was game and a very nice sexual relationship began.
After several months, the guy approached Heidi and said, "I have a problem… It's kind of a guy thing, but I need to ask you a favour." Heidi replied, "Okay," to which he asked, "Can I borrow your eyebrow pencil?" Heidi looked at him in confusion, but obliged.
The guy then asked, "Do you mind if I use the eyebrow pencil to draw a mustache on you?" Heidi was growing worried, but again obliged, so the guy drew a mustache on her.
Then the guy said, "Can you wear some of my clothes? I need for you to look more like a man." Heidi was becoming disappointed at this point, but hesitantly put on his clothes.
Finally, the guy said to Heidi, "Do you mind if I call you Phil?" Heidi had now become very dejected, and said "No, I guess not, you can call me Phil." So, the guy reached out and grabbed Heidi by the arms and shouted "Phil, you'll never believe who I'm fucking!!"
Whats pink and has 7 dints in it
Snow Whites hymen.
A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After
having great sex, she spent the next hour just scratching
his nuts-- something she seemed to love to do. As he was
enjoying it, he turned and asked her,
'Why do you love doing that?'
'Because,' she replied, 'I really miss mine.'
A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas dinner.
This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.
They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole.. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.
It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.
Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, 'Skippy!'.
The woman thought, 'This is great!' and a big smile came across her face.
A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.
This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrrrip.
The father again looked at the dog and yelled, 'Skippy!'
Once again the woman smiled and thought 'Yes!' A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it.
She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing.
Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, 'Skippy, get away from her, before she shits on you!'
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