Page 3 of 27 FirstFirst 1234513 ... LastLast
Results 41 to 60 of 534

Thread: Jokes

  1. #41
    ASF Depleted Uranium Member Large's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    Location
    , , Kazakhstan.
    Posts
    9,379
    What's brown and rhymes with snoop?
















































    Dr Dre

  2. #42
    Weekend Warrior
    Join Date
    Aug 2007
    Location
    Ettalong Beach, NSW, Australia.
    Posts
    246
    Your so fucking gay i swear i can hear the buttsex from down here.


    But I am pissing myself laughing......Gold.

  3. #43
    ASF Premium Full Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2008
    Posts
    3,296
    Blog Entries
    12
    An Israeli doctor said medicine in my country is so advanced we can take out a kidney from one man and put it in another and have him looking for work with in two weeks.

    Thats nothing says a German doctor, we can take a lung from one man and put it in another and have him looking for work with in a week.

    Thats nothing says the English doctor, we can take an arse hole from scotland, put it in 10 Downing street and have a whole country looking for work with in 24 hours.


  4. #44
    ASF Premium Full Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2008
    Posts
    3,296
    Blog Entries
    12
    A man walks in to a bar.

    'A pint of anything but Stella, please'

    Barman asks 'What's wrong with Stella ?'

    'I had 12 pints of Stella last night and when I came round, I was
    fucking skint !'

    '12 pints of anything costs the same..............' commented the
    Barman.

    'Skint is my dog !' said the man

  5. #45
    Tyre destroying, mad bastard menace
    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Location
    Portsmouth costa del south coast, England
    Posts
    2,509
    A lorry carring sheep crashed and turned over blocking the motorway..................latest police reports suggests the area is rammed



    Another lorry crashed carrying a load of wigs..........................police are combing the area


    And finally in the news today a police station in newquay cornwall was brocken into last night, the thiefs stole the toilets and urinals........................................... ...police say they have nothing to go on


  6. #46
    Tyre destroying, mad bastard menace
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    , ACT, Australia.
    Posts
    1,158
    what do you get when you cross an analist and a therapist?



    an analrapist

  7. #47
    Power Hungry, Law Disregarder
    Join Date
    Aug 2007
    Location
    , , .
    Posts
    552
    What's the difference between Jam and Marmalade?



    You can't marmalade your fist up a girls arse.

  8. #48
    Tyre destroying, mad bastard menace
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Location
    Sydney, , Australia.
    Posts
    1,604
    My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said,
    "Do you want to have sex?"
    "No," she answered.
    I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
    She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
    So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
    And then the fight started....

    ********

    After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
    The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
    I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
    I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
    The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
    So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
    She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'
    And she processed my Social Security application.
    When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
    Social Security office!
    She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too'
    And then the fight started.....

    ****

    Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
    I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
    The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
    I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
    I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
    My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'
    And that's how the fight started ...

    ****

    My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
    My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
    'Yes,' I sighed, 'she's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
    drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
    hasn't been sober since.'
    'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on
    celebrating that long?'
    And then the fight started.....

    ****

    I rear-ended a car this morning.
    So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other
    driver got out of his car.
    You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and
    little things just seem funny?
    Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!
    He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,
    'I AM NOT HAPPY! !!'
    So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
    And then the fight started.....

    ****

    I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
    order first.
    'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
    He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
    'Nah, she can order for herself.'
    And then the fight started.....

    ****

    A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
    She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
    'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
    The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's darn near perfect.'
    And then the fight started.....

  9. #49
    Tyre destroying, mad bastard menace
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Location
    Sydney, , Australia.
    Posts
    1,604
    Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

    While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Walter and his wife Ann, listened to the instructor declare :

    'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other. '

    He addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?'

    Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently and whispered, ..........

    'White Wings Self Raising isn't it Dear?'



    And thus began Walter's life of celibacy.


  10. #50
    Tyre destroying, mad bastard menace
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Location
    Sydney, , Australia.
    Posts
    1,604
    Here are the winners of this year's Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which, once again, asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter and supply a new definition :



    1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.


    2. Ignoranus: A person who is both stupid and an asshole.


    3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.


    4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.


    5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.


    6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.


    7.Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high


    8.Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.


    9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.


    10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)


    11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, righ t? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's, like, a serious bummer.


    12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming
    only things that are good for you.


    13. Glibido: All talk and no action.


    14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.


    15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.


    16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.


    17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the
    fruit you're eating.


    The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are:


    1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.


    2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.


    3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.


    4. Esplanade, v, To attempt an explanation while drunk.


    5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.


    6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.


    7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.


    8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.


    9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.


    10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.


    11. Testicle n. A humorous question on an exam.


    12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.


    13. Pokemon, n.A Rastafarian proctologist.


    14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with yiddishisms.


    15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.


    16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish
    men.











  11. #51
    Tyre destroying, mad bastard menace
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Location
    Brisbane, Queensland, Australia, Australia
    Posts
    1,902
    A new drug hit the market today for depressed lesbians, so far it has been an outstanding success.

    This awesome and life saving drug is called Tridixagain.

  12. #52
    Tyre destroying, mad bastard menace
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Location
    Brisbane, Queensland, Australia, Australia
    Posts
    1,902
    I was watching this movie on the telly the other day and it was fucking awesome, I was really really getting into it when there was a knock at the door. I ignored it for a while cause i was really into this movie, but they just kept knocking. So pissed as hell cause I'm missing out on this brilliant movie I get up and go to the door. There's this woman at the door and and she looks at me and say's "Hi i'm doing a neighbourhood collection for the sperm bank".

    Fuck didn't i give her a mouthfull.

  13. #53
    Power Hungry, Law Disregarder
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Location
    Tamworth NSW, Australia.
    Posts
    668
    lmao!

  14. #54
    ASF Premium Full Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2008
    Posts
    3,296
    Blog Entries
    12
    Abbo walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the

    Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.

    The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing. We've just got One in from a very wealthy man who wants a

    chauffeur/bodyguard for his Nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided.. You also have to escort the young ladies on their Overseas holidays. The

    Salary package is 200,000 a year'.

    The Abbo said 'You're bullshitting me!'

    The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!'


  15. #55
    Bloke with a smaller stick MONO's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    Location
    My Place
    Posts
    1,301
    Blog Entries
    15
    When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep---not screeming, like the passengers in his car.

  16. #56
    Tyre destroying, mad bastard menace
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Location
    Melbourne, Vic, Australia.
    Posts
    1,517
    Wots the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts ?




    beer nuts are $3.50 a pack and deer nuts are under a buck.....

  17. #57
    Tyre destroying, mad bastard menace
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Location
    Melbourne, Vic, Australia.
    Posts
    1,517
    I just got a new rolex from for my birthday from the lesbians next door................. I think they misunderstood me when i said i wanna watch..........................

  18. #58
    Tyre destroying, mad bastard menace
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Location
    Melbourne, Vic, Australia.
    Posts
    1,517
    One for Rod........

    Statistically,six out of seven dwarves are not happy.

  19. #59
    ASF Premium Full Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2008
    Posts
    3,296
    Blog Entries
    12
    An Englishman is having breakfast in Paris one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The Englishman ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

    Frenchman: 'You English folk eat the whole bread??'

    Englishman (in a bad mood): 'Of course.'

    Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) 'We don't. In France , we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to England .' The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.

    The Englishman listens in silence.

    The Frenchman persists: 'Do you eat jam with the bread??'

    Englishman: 'Of Course.'

    Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).

    'We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to England .'

    After a moment of silence, The Englishman then asks: 'Do you have sex in France ?'

    Frenchman: 'Why of course we do', he says with a big smirk.

    Englishman: 'And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?'

    Frenchman: 'We throw them away, of course.'

    Englishman: 'We don't. In England , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France .'

  20. #60
    Power Hungry, Law Disregarder
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Location
    Tamworth NSW, Australia.
    Posts
    668

Page 3 of 27 FirstFirst 1234513 ... LastLast

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •