that's a pisser mono I got that the other day and pissed myself laughing(only cos I can only bend it to 10 degrees still not like some on here)
that's a pisser mono I got that the other day and pissed myself laughing(only cos I can only bend it to 10 degrees still not like some on here)
What do you get if you cross an elephant with a poodle?
A dead sticky dog that has been split in half!
What do you give an elephant that has diarrhoea ?
Plenty of space!
Can you take a bath if you have diarrhoea?
You can if you have enough!
Repost fail I'm afraid, scroll up to July 16
oops, gone!
quote:Originally posted by ALBI
what do you call a pissed muslim?
hamad
What do you call a goodlooking muslim/lebo?
Asif
At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto, they have weekly husband's marriage seminars.
At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda DA money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'
The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?'
Giuseppe proudly replied, " I gonna go pick her up."
Ladies and Gentelmen, take my advise. "Pull down your pants and slide on the ice."
My best friend caught me sniffing his sisters nickers. He went right off at me, as she was wearing them at the time...
...it made the rest of her funeral very awkward for both of us.
Two Irishmen are hammering floorboards down.
Paddy picks up a nail, realises it’s upside down & throws it away.
He carries on doing this until Murphy says ‘Why are you throwing them away??’
‘Because they’re upside down’ says Paddy.
‘You dope says Murphy. ‘I was saving them for the ceiling’!!!!
Julia Gillard was seated next to a little girl on an aeroplane leaving from Sydney.
She turned to her and said,'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passengers.'
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to Gillard, 'What would you like to talk about?'
'Oh, I don't know,' said Julia. 'How about global warming or health care', and she smiles smugly.
OK, ' the girl said. 'Those could be interesting topics. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a
kangaroo all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a kangaroo excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and
a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'
The PM, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'
The little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming or health care when you don't know shit?'
A Kiwi was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal
companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.
But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but
there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was Julia Gillard.
That evening, the man brought Julia to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the man started to get 'those feelings' again.
He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Julia and told her he hadn't had sex for months.
Julia batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.
The Kiwi said, 'Take the dog for a walk!'
Got my son an iPhone for his birthday the other week and recently got my daughter an iPod for hers.
I was dead chuffed when the family clubbed together and bought me an iPad for Father’s day.
Got my wife an iRon for her birthday. It was around then the fight started......
This was found on the Refrigerator One Morning :
My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife.
Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.
Please don't be upset I shall be home before midnight.
Love
Fred
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:
My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old, however I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old.
As you know, I am a mathematics teacher at our local college and would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of maths, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.
Love
Edith xxx
Are you a Labor, a Liberal, or a National Voter?
Here is a little test that will help you decide.
The answer can be found by posing the following question.
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.
Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities,
praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you.
You are carrying a Smith & Wesson 6 shot revolver gun, and you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What do you do?
THINK AND READ CAREFULLY THEN SCROLL DOWN:
Labor Voter’s Answer:
• Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
• Does the man look poor or oppressed?
• Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
• Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids?
• Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation?
• Does the hand-gun have appropriate safety built into it?
• Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
• Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
• Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
• If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 000?
• Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have community clean -up day. Can we make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behaviour.
• I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.
• This is all so confusing!
.................................................. .............................
Liberal's Answer:
BANG!
.................................................. ........................
National's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click.... (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy!'
'Were those the Winchester Copper Tips or Hollow Points?! '
Son: 'Can I shoot the next one?!'
Wife: 'You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!
The Philosophy of Ambiguity
FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE
IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:
1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.
2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.
3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.
4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND
APES?
5. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL
THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.
6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF-
HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.
7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?
8. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH
SOAP?
9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT
CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?
10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?
11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"
12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED
PLANT?
13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?
14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?
15. WHY DO THEY LOCK PETROL STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE
WILL CLEAN THEM?
16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?
17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?
18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO
REMAIN SILENT?
19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?
20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD
SIGNS?
21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?
22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?
24. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?
25. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?
26. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?
27. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?
28. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?
29. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?
30. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?
31. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?
32. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?
33. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY
BECOME DISORIENTED?
34. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS of GOD
If you're offended, you've only yourself to blame
A friend of mine just started his own business, manufacturing landmines that look like prayer mats.
It’s doing well he says.
Prophets are going through the roof.
Jesus died for his own sins...NOT MINE !
I'm not racist.
I hate all you white cunts too.
Even More to Offend Everyone
The rescue workers at the Pakistan flood area say that the smell of bodies is unbearable.
They expect it to get worse when they start finding the dead ones.
A charity single has been released in aid of the Pakistan Flood Relief. It's called, "Raindrops Keep Falling On Ahmed."
There were no survivors from that recent Pakistani Airlines plane that crashed, killing all 152 people on board.
Both families are devastated.
Paddy got arrested in Bunnings today for punching an African woman at the till.
He claims it wasn't his fault as his father had told him to go in and get a Black and Decker.
Experts are worried about President Obama's mental state after he pledged millions of dollars of aid to Northern Ireland, following the tragedy of Hurricane Higgins.
A lesbian went for a smear test and the doctor told her, "That's the cleanest vagina I've seen!"
The lesbian replied, "Yes, I have a woman in twice a week!"
Paddy and his wife were discussing their sex life. Paddy said, "I want to try that wheelbarrow position tonight."
His wife asked, "What is that?"
Paddy told her, "You bend over, put your hands on the floor then I pick your legs up and take you from behind!"
His wife said, "Hmm, okay, I'll do it on two conditions. First, if it hurts you stop immediately and, second, ... we don't go down past my mother's house!"
My teenage son told me that he had sex with the neighbor’s daughter last night for the first time.
"Well done, son," I said, "I hope you used something though?"
He replied, "Yeah, a balaclava!"
I went to the doctor while I was on holiday in Bangkok recently, to get my testicles checked out.
While the doc was cupping my dangly bits, she said, "Don't worry, it's normal to get an erection during this kind of examination."
I said, "I haven't got an erection!"
She replied, "No, but I have!"
Ramadan is here again.
The one time of the year when Muslims cannot eat or drink within the hours of daylight, they just starve.
Never has the term, "Not enough hours in the day" been more appropriate!
A little Pakistani girl goes to her mother and says, "Mummy, I don't want to be a lesbian when I grow up!"
Her mother says, "What makes you think you'll be a lesbian, Minjeeta?"
A bloke was sitting on a bus when a gorgeous woman next to him starts breastfeeding her baby.
The baby won't take it so she says, "Come on, eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here."
Ten minutes later, the baby is still not feeding so she says again, "Eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here."
The bloke says, "Listen, love, can you make your bloody mind up, I should've got off four stops ago!"
French foreplay: Dinner, wine, sex!
Italian foreplay: Dinner, wine, caressing, sex!
Latino foreplay: Dinner, wine, dancing, caressing, sex!
Scottish foreplay: "Haw, ye awake?"
I fostered a Muslim child yesterday..... all four cans hit him on the head!
The guy who owned the Hoyts cinema group has died. His funeral is next Friday at 2.10, 4.20 and 8.40.
I got banned from a Muslim clothes shop today. I only asked for a bomber jacket. Touchy basta*ds!
Why do Cadbury's make white chocolate buttons?
So that black kids can have messy faces as well!
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