Jokes

[StuNVA]

John Howard, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.
While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The
devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is
finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so
Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she
is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so
she writes him a check.

Finally John Howard gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is
finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Howard
got to call Australia so cheaply.

The devil smiles and replies: "Since Rudd took over, the country has
gone to hell, so it's a local call.

[Bob]

I wish I´d looked after me tits


By Pam Ayres


Oh, I wish I'd looked after me dear old knockers,
Not flashed them to boys behind the school lockers,
Or let them get fondled by randy old dockers,
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits.


'Cos now I'm much older and gravity's winning.
It's Nature's revenge for all that sinning,
And those dirty memories are rapidly dimming,
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits


'Cos tits can be such troublesome things
When they no longer bounce, but dangle and swing.
And although they go well with my Bingo wings,
I wish I'd looked after me tits.


When they're both long enough to tie up in a bow,
When it's not the sweet chariot that swings low,
When they're less of a friend and more of a foe,
Then I wish I'd looked after me tits.


When I was young I got whistles and hoots,
From the men on the site to the men in the suits,
Now me nipples get stuck in the zips on me boots,
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits


When I was younger I rode bikes and scooters,
Cruising around with my favourite suitors.
Now the wheels get entangled with my dangling hooters,
I wish I'd looked after me tits..


When they follow behind and get trapped in the door,
When they're less in the air and more near the floor,
When people see less of them rather than more,
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits

[StuNVA]

Why She Changed Hotels

Last week, I checked into the Four Seasons in Palm Beach and was a bit
lonely. I thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in
phone books for escorts and sensual massages."

I looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling
himself Tender Tony -a very handsome man with assorted physical skills
flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right
places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack
abs and I felt quite certain I could bounce a sixpence off his well
oiled bum.... you get the picture. I figured, what the heck, I'll give
him a call.

"Hello, ma'am, how may I help you?" . . .

Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy! Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I rushed right in,
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage, I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you.
I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now.
Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks.
We'll go hot and heavy all night -tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything baby.
Now how does that sound?"

He says, "Oh my God... that sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."

[StuNVA]

A Scottish couple decided to go to Spain to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at
the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.



Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their
travel schedules. So, the husband left Glasgow and flew to Barcelona on Thursday, with his wife
flying down the following day.. The husband checked into the hotel. There
was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.
However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and
without realizing his error, sent the email.



Meanwhile, somewhere in Blackpool, a widow
had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who
died following a heart attack.



The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and
friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.



The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and
saw the computer screen which read:



To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've Arrived

Date: October 16, 2008



I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and
you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.



I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that

Everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.



Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as
mine was.



P.S. Bloody hot down here

[Snaffler]

a man got to the bathroom in a truck stop
as he walks in he see`s the condom vendors machine
he looks it over and see`s theres every flavor condom
and he buys one of each..

he goes home and tells the wife about the flavored condoms and she
laughs and smiles at the hubby.
the hubby says, i thought we could play a game tonight and she agrees.
night time comes and the two are in bed and the hubby says to the wife,
ok now you go under the sheets and i will put one on and u have to tell me what flavor it is ok, she says ok and goes under the sheets.

she starts sucking his cock and comes up from under the sheets and screems CHEESE & ONION

hubby says, shees women you have to wait till i get the dam thing on first!!

[StuNVA]

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next:

"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.

The teacher held her breath ...

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog shit!"

Then I would say,"It is dog shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

"I used the governmental approach of giving you something shitty for free, and then making you pay to get the shitty taste out of your mouth."

[ALBI]

tony the fisherman
tony went out 40 nautical miles of newcastle to go fishing for the best marlin and was hit suddenly by a rouge wave!
when he looked around he noticed he was taking to much water on and the bildge pump couldnt pump it out quick enough
so he reached for the UHF radio and called for help" mayday mayday this is tony the fisherman im a sinkin ,i need help"
5 min later he grabs the mic again "mayday mayday this is tony the fisherman im a sinking tha water is up to my ankles i need a help" still nothin.
5 mins later again help calls for help "mayday mayday this is tony the fisherman im a sinkin the water is up to my knees ,i need a help help!" still nothin
then he grabs the mic again "mayday mayday this is a tony i need a ya help tha water is up to my chest i need a help" nothin.
then in one final atempt "this is a tony i need help the water is up to my neck and a my boats a sinking i needa help please "
then over the speaker the words he is awiting for "tony the fisherman ,this williamtown RAAF base search and rescue! please standby for rescue we are currnently sending our fockerfriendship t..." tony then quickly butts in and replys "i dont needa ya fucking friendship ! i needa ya fucking help!!!!!

[ALBI]

tony the truckie
anyway tony the fisherman doesnt want to buy a new boat with his insurance money so he buys a KENWORTH T908 "b"double truck,
and starts hauling for barter chickens
on one of his many run's he starts to get board and lonly so he buys a "cockatoo" and mounts the perch on his dashboard and for the next 12 months enjoys his new pal.
the long haul starts to take affect on him sexually now !
then one day while at MACKSVILLE for a quick refuel and grub he spots a girl hitch hicking and he pulls over and picks her up then he is overwelmed buy her sexy body and lets it slip "do you fuck!!"
the girl relplies"oh no you are to old"
tony then says "well fuck of then!! and pulls over and kicks her to the kerb! all the while the cocky is watching !
a couple o kys up the road there is another chick and he pulls over and picks her up just as he picks up top gear ( no not the uk show) he says to her "do you fuck" she says oh no you re to fat and hairy!!"
so he pulls over and says "well fuck off then! so he pulls over and kicks her to kerb !
now this happens at 3 times more ont the way from KEMPSY to BRISVEGAS ,
then he see's a NUN stranded by the side of the road!
so being ITALIAN and a christian, he feels obliged to offer his help so he pulls over and offers a lift in which the NUN thanks god and accepts
just as he picks up top gear headed for BRISSY ,all is quite in the cab except for the sweet sound and humm from the cummins isx signiture series engine!
the nun now is felling good that help has been given and asks tony if she can please go in the back and change into her long nightie and retire for the rest of the trip! in which tony replies " yes !! the sleeper is all for you ,please just be carefull of my pet cockatoo and place him back on his pearch on the dash please " "certanly "replies the NUN, he notices the
nun has relaxed and has removerd her habit in the sleeper and starts to remove the rest of her clothes,then he sneeks a peek and see's her in sexy black long sheer stockings complete with a black garter belt and satin black high cut knicker's,with a red rose stitched into the garterbelt and a little red devil tattoed under her belly button and she also has a black t shirt with some strange words on the front big blue letters "ASF"" let the maddness begin!! cut so it just sits below her perky ripe pink puffy nipple's!! he is taken a gasp and befor he can relise what he says !he ask's "DO YOU FUCK "in which the horney as fuck nun replies "do i ever".
in an instant he pulls over and climbes in to sleeper and starts his foreplay(yes ladies we men know what it is)but he just cant get into it as if someone is watching ??
then he remembers the cockatoo so he removes the perch and put it on the top of the cab a couple of hours later they finish and get on with the trip ,then tony notices the RTA car behind him flashing his lights and amber beacon rotating !he thinks to himself im upto date with my rego,the truck is new ,so no probs with roadworthyness,so he pulls over and then this big busly bloke comes up to his truck and steps up to his window, and says"mate what the fuck do you think you are doing ?? dont you know all loads must be straped and covered??you have chickens flying of everywhere!!"
then tony looks confused then remembers the cockatoo!! he jumps out and climbs to the top and there is his cocky on the trailers pulling out the chikens and saying "do you fuck? well fuck off then!!

[JackTar]

A couple was going out for the evening.

They'd gotten ready, all dolled up, but just needed to put the dog out when the taxi arrives.

However as the couple walked out of the house, the dog shoots back in the house.

They don't want the dog shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty, explains to the taxi driver: 'He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother.'

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.

'Sorry I took so long' he says. 'Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her arse downstairs and tossed her in the back yard!

She better not shit in the vegetable garden again!'

The silence in the cab was deafening

[Bob]

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help.

The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he will stop snoring.

'Yeah right!' she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles..

Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed...

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk after drinking with his mates. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and immediately begins snoring loudly.



The woman decides maybe the ribbon might work on him. So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles.
Amazingly, it also works on him!

The woman sleeps soundly. The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates.

He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers,

'I don't know where we were ... or what we did

But, by God we took FIRST and SECOND place

[StuNVA]

Advice for all new Muslim immigrants :
If you are trapped in a burning house
or have been seriously injured and are
bleeding to death,
the new emergency number is:-




















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Thank You For Your Patience.

[StuNVA]

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.

After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, the re was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, the re was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The MP was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, the re were a dozen MPs lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.


BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON

[StuNVA]

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Timmy, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.

Timmy clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,
'An, ID ten T error ? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Timmy grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?''

No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like the little shit.

[Bob]

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!

'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'

The Irishman nodded...'I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.'

'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.



'No, from the f * * kin' skippin'

[Bob]

A little guy is sitting at the bar staring at his drink when a large, threateningly leering biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, watcha' gonna do about it?" he says menacingly, as the little guy bursts into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, " I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy.
"I`m a complete failure. I was late to a meeting, and my Boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car stolen and I don't have any insurance,
I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me.
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all.
"I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in, and sit here watching the poison dissolve. Then a wise-ass like you shows up and drinks the whole thing!"

[Bob]

In the UK, for a rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter was
searching out the main cause of Mad Cow disease and arranged for an
interview with a farmer who may have had some theories on the matter ...
This is how the interview went,

Lady reporter: "I'm here to collect information on the possible sources of
Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?"
The farmer stared at the reporter for a while and said: "Do you know that
a bull mounts a cow only once a year?"

The reporter was obviously embarrassed and said, "Well, sir, that's a new
piece of information.. but what's the relation between this phenomenon and
Mad Cow disease?"
The farmer continued: "And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a
day?"

Reporter: "Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about
getting to the point?"

And the farmer replied: "I am getting to the point madam. Just imagine, if
I was playing with your tits twice a day ... and only screwing you once a
year, wouldn't you get mad?"

[ALBI]

what do you call a leb drowning in the ocean?








fuckim!

[ALBI]

what do you call a pissed muslim?


hamad

[ALBI]

what do you call a group of pissed muslims?


mo-hammad






what do you call a muslim in a lane way


alli







what do you call pissed muslims standing in a lane



mo-hammad alli !!

[MONO]

"Ya’ know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on,
I couldn't bend it with both hands.
By the time I was 50, I could bend it
about 10 degrees if I tried really hard.
By the time I was 60, I could bend it
about 20 degrees, no problem.
I'm gonna’ be 80 next week, and now I can
almost bend it in half with just one hand."

"So, what's your point?"


"Well, I'm just wondering
how much stronger I'm gonna’ get!"