Jokes

[Hagarr]

Absolute Corker!!

[Bob]

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.
Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The first woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?'

The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The second woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?'

The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The third woman came to him and said, 'Have you ever been f****d?'

The fellow's eyes lit up and with a big grin he said, 'No.'

She said, 'You will be when the tide comes in.'

[Bob]

Dave and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name calling, Dave headed home, frustrated.

The following week, when Dave's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Dave was already there. He was already sitting at the campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a camp fire
glowing.

"How did you talk your missus into letting you go Dave?"
"I didn't have to," Dave replied. I went home from work last night and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then the ol' lady snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'... When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see-through negligee and she said, 'Carry me into the bedroom and tie me
to the bed and you can do whatever you want'......SO HERE I AM!"

[scotty mac]

A queer walked into a gay bar and.....


aw nevermind, you were probably there and saw the whole thing..

[hotmilk]

I got the Christmas lights out last night....

They remind me of niggers. They're all chained together, hardly any of them work and they look best hanging from a tree.

[livewire]

There were two golfers on the golf course. One of the men pulled out a cigarette, and asked his friend for a light. His friend pulls out a 12 inch Bic lighter.
- "Woah, where did you get such a large Bic?"
- "Oh, my genie got it for me."
- "Your genie? You have a genie? Where is he?"
- "He is in my golf bag."
- "Can I see him?"
So the friend looks in the bag and out comes the genie. The man says to the genie; "I am your master's best friend. Would you grant me just one wish?"
The genie says "yes, just one wish". So the man wishes for a million bucks. The genie goes back in the golf bag without saying a word. Pretty soon, the sky starts to get dark. Then it gets even darker. The man looks up and sees a million ducks. He gets real upset, and says "what is the matter with your genie? Is he hard of hearing? I said a million Bucks, not a million Ducks."
"Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch Bic?"

[livewire]

Last night I was talking to a young, good looking woman. She asked me if I liked breasts or legs.
I told her what I really liked was a shaved snatch.


Apparently I'm not welcome back at KFC.

[Bear]

Deep in the back woods, of Albert County New Brunswick Canada,
a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night,
and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, 'Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing!'

Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.
'Whoa there', said the doctor, 'Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there's another one coming..'

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.
'Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!'
Said the doctor.
Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby
'No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!' cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, 'You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?'

[Bear]

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy
dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his
wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his
problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will
cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.

The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he
writes a letter of complaint.

A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:

Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit.
The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you
will really look the part.

The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint.

A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.

[Bob]

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she yells out....

"Pa, You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nothin' wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

So.......Pa mossies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back,

"Ma There ain't nothin' wrong with the outhouse! "

Ma replies, "Stick your head in the hole!"

Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin' my head in that hole!"

Ma says, "Ya have to stick your head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back,

"Ma There ain't nothin' wrong with this outhouse!"

Ma yells back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling,

"Ma Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"



To which Ma replies, "Hurts, don't it ?!"


.

[Bob]

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.

He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie 's in the display window?'

The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir?

We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie
for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.

The amazed father asks: 'It 's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls

[Bear]

After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 200 years ago.

New Zealand scientists not to be outdone by the Poms, in the weeks that followed dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in the NZ newspapers read: "New Zealand archaeologists have found traces of 250 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the Brits."

One week later, Australian TV reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 meters in his backyard in Arakun, Billy Bunyip, a tribal elder, reported that he found absolutely nothing, and Billy has therefore concluded that 300 years ago indigenous Australians had already gone wireless."

[Bob]

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.

She knocked on the door then immediately
walked in. She was shocked to see her
daughter-in-law lying on the Couch, totally
naked.

Soft music was playing, and the aroma of
perfume filled the room.

'What are you
doing?' she asked.


'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from
work.' The daughter-in-law answered.

' But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.


'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law
explained.


'Love dress? But you're naked!'

'Justin loves me to wear this dress,' she
explained.

'Every time he sees me in this dress, he
instantly becomes romantic and ravages
me for hours.'

The
mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best
perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting
for her husband to arrive..

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

' What are you doing?' he asked.

'This is my love dress,' she whispered,
sensually.


'Needs ironing,' he said,
'What's for dinner?'

[gibbo]

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do lawyers use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
20 kgs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in year 9.
Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.

What's the difference between a porcupine and a police car?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
'Are you sure it's mine?'

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What's the difference between an Australian zoo and an English zoo?
An Australian zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... Word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern USA fairytale and a southern USA fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time..'
A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shiit...'

Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

[HOS]

A man comes home to find his wife in bed with his best mate.....
so he stabs his mate to death.

His wife says: "that was a bit silly?....carry on like that and you'll have no mates left "...

[336LJ]

ahaha ^

[Fish]

Apparently, the only person who can beat Tiger Woods with a golf club is his wife.

What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.

Tiger Woods was injured in a car accident as he pulled out of his driveway early Friday morning. It was Woods' shortest drive since an errant tee shot at the US Open.

What was Tiger Woods doing out at 2.30 in the morning? He'd gone clubbing.

Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn’t decide between a wood and an iron.

Perhaps Tiger should be using a driver?

This is the first time Tiger’s ever failed to drive 300 yards

Apparently, Tiger admitted this crash was the closest shave he’s ever had. So Gillette has dropped his contract.

Tiger Woods wasn't seriously injured in the crash. He's still below par though.

Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one.

What does tiger woods and baby seals have in common?

They have both been clubed by a norwegian.

[Bear]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by St Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said,

'You must each have something to symbolize Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.

He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.

He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets

and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked,

'And just what do those symbolize?'
The man replied, 'These are Carols.'

[Bear]

An elderly man lay dying in his bed.
While suffering the desperate agony of impending death,
he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones
wafting up the stairs.


Mustering his remaining strength, he somehow got up and
leaning on the wall, slowly made his way out of the bedroom,
and with huge effort, gripping the Railing with both hands,
he finally managed to crawl downstairs.

With failing breath, he managed to open the kitchen door
Were it not for the pain of descent and death's horrid agony,
he genuinely would have thought he was already in heaven,
for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were
literally hundreds of his favourite scones.


Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love
from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years,
seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself
towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture.

His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone
at the edge of the table, when suddenly
it was smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon........


F**k off" she said, "they're for the funeral."

[Bob]

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so.

I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy.
There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the
counter and she could see that I was new at it.

She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.


I honestly answered, 'No, this is my first time.'



So she unwrapped the package, took one out and
slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make
sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still
looked confused. So she looked all around the store
to see if it was empty. It was empty.

'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.




Taking my hand, she led me into the back room,

unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked

her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She

asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do

was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.




As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt,

removed her panties and lay down on a desk.

'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that

unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and

KAPOW, I was done within a few minutes.




She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you

put that condom on?' she asked.

I said, 'I sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.