Jokes

[Bear]

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.
So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
“Pardon me, sir, I’m Rebecca Smith from CNN. What’s your name?
“Morris Fishbien,” he replied.
“Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?”
“For about 60 years.”
“60 years! That’s amazing! What do you pray for?”
“I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims.”
“I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. ”
“I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man.”
“How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?”


“Like I’m talking to a brick wall!"

[Iceman]

A Priest kept chickens at his village parish.
One evening the cock went missing.
At mass the priest asked,
"Who has a cock?"
All the men got up.....
"No! I meant who has seen a cock?"
All the women got up..
"No, No! Who has seen a cock that isn't theirs?"
Half the women got up.
"Oh!!! For goodness sake! Who has seen my cock?
"All the nuns got up!!

[Iceman]

In a second grade class, a little girl asks, 'Teacher, can my Mommy gets pregnant?'

'How old is your mother, dear?' Asks the teacher.

'Forty,' She replies.

'Yes, dear, your mother could get pregnant.'

The little girl then asks, 'Can my big sister get pregnant?'

'Well, dear, how old is your sister?'

The little girl answers, 'Nineteen.'

'Oh yes, dear, your sister certainly could get pregnant.'

The little girl then asks; 'Can I get pregnant?'

'How old are you, dear?'

The little girl answers,' I'm seven years old.'

'No, dear, you can't get pregnant...'

Then, the little boy behind the little girl gives her a poke and says, 'See, I told you we had nothing to worry about!'

[Benz]

Life-savers, the candy with the hole in the middle.......
A teacher handed out lifesavers packets to the children of her class, an experiment designed to explain to them the corrolation between vision and taste.
The children began to identify the flavors by their color:

Red.....................Cherry
Yellow.................Lemon
Green..................Lime
Orange ...............Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste.

The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror,

spit her lifesaver out and yelled,

'Oh my God! They're ass-holes!

The teacher had to leave the room!

[Elapid]

Delete.....bloody Shadowzone

[Bear]

A retired couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Tamworth .

Bert always wanted a pair of R.M. WILLIAMS boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'

Margaret looked him over. 'No Darl.'

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for new R.M. Williams boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow, 'cause its always that way'

Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET? DO YOU?'

'No Darl', she replied.

'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT ME NEW R.M. WILLIAMS BOOTS!!!!'

Without changing her expression, Margaret replied,

'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.'

[rod185651]

COP vs. LITTLE GIRL
A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street, when a little girl
on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.
'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'
'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.
The cop said, 'Next year, tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it!'
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Nice horse you've got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?'
Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered,
'Yes, he sure did!'
The little girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Next year tell Santa... the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top.'

[Bob]

Kevin Rudd called Julia Gillard into his office one day and said
>
> "Julia, I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win the country
> voters".
>
> "Good idea Leader, how will we go about it"? said Julia.
>
> "Well", said Rudd, "we get ourselves one of those Driaza Bone coats,
>
> some RM Williams boots, a stick and an Akubra hat. Oh, and a blue cattle
>
> dog. Then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a typical old outback
>
> country pub, we'll show we really enjoy the bush".
>
>
> "Right" said Julia.
>
>
> Days later, all kitted out and with the requisite blue heeler, they set
>
> off from Canberra in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at
>
> just the place they were looking for and found a typical outback pub.
>
> They walked in with the dog and up to the bar.
>
>
> "G'day mate", said Rudd to the bartender, "two middies of your best
>
> beer".
>
> "Good afternoon Leader", said the bartender, "two middies of our best
>
> coming up".
>
> Gillard and Rudd stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and
>
> chatting, nodding now and again to whoever came into the bar for a
>
> drink. The dog lay quietly at their feet.
>
> All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a
>
> grizzled old stockman, complete with stock whip. He walked up to the
>
> cattle dog, lifted its tail with the whip and looked underneath,
>
> shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar. A few moments
>
> later in came another old stockman with his whip. He walked up to the
>
> dog and lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and went
>
> back to the other bar.
>
> Over the course of the next hour or so another four or five stockmen
>
> came in and lifted the dog's tail and went away looking puzzled.
>
> Eventually, Rudd and Gillard could stand it no longer and called the
>
> barman over.
>
> "Tell me" said Rudd, "why did all those old stockmen come in and look
>
> under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old outback custom?"
>
>
> "Strewth no", said the barman. "Someone told 'em there was a cattle dog
>
> in the bar with two arseholes"..
>

[Bob]

How To Shower Like a Woman

Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry
basket according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to
do more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower...

Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins..

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red..

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mold spots with Tile cleaner.

Get out of shower.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel..

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas.


How To Shower Like a Man

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.

Get in the shower.

Wash your face.

Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower...

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair.

Make a Shampoo Mohican

Wee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.

Admire willy size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

[Bear]

A Irish man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he
comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river.
He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of
alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

The drunk shouts, 'Yes, oi am.'
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.

He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'

The drunk replies, 'No, oi haven't found Jesus.'

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer..

He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found
Jesus me brother?'

The drunk again answers, 'No, oi I haven't found Jesus.'

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in
the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, 'For the love of God have you found Jesus?'

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the
preacher, 'Are you sure this is where he fell in?'

[bjrog2@hotmail.com]

Surprised nobody has made this joke so far:

[gumby190]

Ad Posted to a U.S. “Personals”
To the Guy who tried to mug me in downtown Savannah night before last.

Date: 05-27-09, 1:43 AM EST

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings.

I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment when I drew my pistol after you took my Jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.

My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening.

Obviously you agree that it is a very Intimidating weapon when pointed at your head wasn't it?

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from bare footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

After I called your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as four other people's in the gas station on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb just after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.

Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.

Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours,
Alex

[Bob]

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a
mental hospital. One day while they were walking
past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly
jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.


Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the
bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse
Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the
hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally
stable.


When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I
have good news and bad news. The good news is
you're being discharged, since you were able to
rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and
saving the life of the person you love. I have
concluded that your act displays sound
mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom
with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him..
I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there
to dry. How soon can I go home?'

[Bear]

A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'
Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close.
The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'
A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. A gain he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time.'
As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, 'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really Give away free sex at all.'
Paddy replied, 'No it's genuine enough Mick. My wife won twice last week.'

[Bear]

A psychiatrist was
conducting a group therapy session with four young
Mothers and their small children. You all have
obsessions,' he observed.


To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed
with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.'


He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is
with money. Again, it manifests itself in your
child's name, Penny.'


He turned to the third Mom, Kathy: 'Your obsession is
alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's
name, Brandy.'

At this point, the fourth mother, Joyce, quietly got up,
took her little boy by the hand and
whispered, 'Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what
he's talking about. Lets pick Willy up from school
and go home.

[boris]

Bert and Edna are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary and they go back to the same motel and stay in the same room they did on their wedding night 50 years before after dinner Edna starts slowly stripping in front of Bert and seductively asks him "what were you thinking this time 50 years ago Bert?" he says "I was thinking how I was gonna suck your tits dry and fuck your brains out" she's got her gear off by now and asks "so what are you thinking now?" he says "just thinking what a fucking good job I did Edna"

[Bear]

1. Teaching Maths in 1970
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?

2. Teaching Maths In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is 80% of the price. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Maths In 1990
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80. How much was his profit?

4. Teaching Maths In 2000
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Maths In 2005
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. Your assignment: Discuss how the birds and squirrels might feel as the logger cut down their homes just for a measly profit of £20.

6. Teaching Maths In 2009
A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the felling licence. He is also fined a £100 as his chainsaw is in breach of Health and Safety legislation as it deemed too dangerous and could cut something. He has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without incident however he does not have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered to be a recidivist and habitual criminal. His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout all government agencies. He protests and is taken to court and fined another £100 because he is such a n easy target. When he is released he returns to find Gypsies have cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land. He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned and fined a further £100. While he is in jail the Gypsies cut down the rest o f his wood and sell it on the black market for £100 cash. They also have a leaving barbecue of squirrel and pheasant and depart leaving behind several tonnes of rubbish and asbestos sheeting. The forester, upon release, is warned that failure to clear the fly -tipped rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offence. He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced £12,000 plus VAT for safe disposal costs by a regulated government contractor.

Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be arrested and fined before he realises that he is never going to make £20 profit by hard work, give up, sign onto the dole and live off the state for the rest of his life?

7. Teaching Maths In 2010
A logger doesn’t sell a lorry load of timber because he can’t get a loan to buy a new lorry because his bank has spent all his and their money on a derivative of securitised debt related to sub- prime mortgages in the UK and lost the lot with only some government money left to pay a few million pound bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who made the biggest losses.

The logger struggles to pay the £1,200 road tax on his old lorry however, as it was built in the 1970s, it no longer meets the emissions regulations and he is forced to scrap it.

Some Columbian loggers buy the lorry from the scrap merchant and put it back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and send their cash back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves and their relatives. If questioned they speak no English and it is easier to deport them at the government's expense. Following their holiday back home they return to the UK with different names and fresh girls and start again. The logger protests, is accused of being a bigoted racist, and as his name is on the side of his old lorry he is forced to pay £1,500 registration fees as a gang master.

The Government borrows more mon ey to pay more to the bankers as bonuses are not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out and claim the difference on expenses and allowances.


8. Teaching Maths In 2017

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[336LJ]

^^ that is AWESOME!

[wackyrider]

That's great bear

[Bear]

No.8 should actually be in arabic but that font may not be available on this site.