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Thread: Jokes

  1. #1
    Tyre destroying, mad bastard menace
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    Jokes

    Two Mexicans are lost in the desert. They see a tree
    in the distance. As they get nearer they see its draped
    with rasher upon rasher of juicy bacon.
    "Hey Pepe", says the first man.
    "Ees a bacon tree, we're saved!"
    Then he runs to the tree but is gunned down
    in a hail of bullets.

    "What happened?" shouts Pepe. With his last breath,
    his friend shouts "Run amigo, ees not a bacon tree.
    Ees a ham bush

  2. #2
    Bloke with a smaller stick
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    I don't think I will be able to stop cringing Bear.
    Si vis pacem, para bellum


  3. #3
    Tyre destroying, mad bastard menace
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    Oh god thats bad..

  4. #4
    Aussie Streetfighter Hooligan
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    tits and toys ;designed for kids but played with by dads

  5. #5
    Tyre destroying, mad bastard menace
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    That is a vagina, is it not, Jim?

  6. #6
    Bloke with a smaller stick Weaselman's Avatar
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    who cares

    Poor joke Bear you will be punished with cheese

  7. #7
    Aussie Streetfighter Hooligan
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    quote:Originally posted by Cruisecontrol

    That is a vagina, is it not, Jim?
    ,,could be as well ..

  8. #8
    Tyre destroying, mad bastard menace
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  9. #9
    motogp_nut
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    Bear, you're full of cheese. And corn. Cheesy corn.

  10. #10
    Tyre destroying, mad bastard menace
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  11. #11
    Aussie Streetfighter Hooligan
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    What's the difference between little boys and little girls?






    Nothing when you lie them face down!!!

  12. #12
    Tyre destroying, mad bastard menace
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    quote:Originally posted by EFE 1230

    What's the difference between little boys and little girls?






    Nothing when you lie them face down!!!

    Ohh thats bad! Ur out for 10 Mike! [V]


  13. #13
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    man drives up to a primary school opens the door n says to a little boy
    "i will give you a lollie if you come in my car."
    the little boy replies "screw that mister if you gimmie the whole bag n i will come on your face."

  14. #14
    Tyre destroying, mad bastard menace
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    To the citizens of the United States of America

    from Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II




    Greetings to you, my subjects.



    In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates
    for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give
    notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You
    should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)



    Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over
    all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does
    not fancy).



    Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America
    without the need for further elections.



    Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated
    next year to determine whether any of you noticed.



    To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules
    are introduced with immediate effect:



    -----------------------

    1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' favour,'
    'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut'
    without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by
    the suffix '-'ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary
    to acceptable levels (you might want to look up 'vocabulary').

    ------------------------

    2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as
    ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
    communication. There is no such thing as U.S .English. We will let Microsoft
    know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
    into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

    -------------------

    3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

    -----------------

    4.You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or
    therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that
    you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for
    shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or
    speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

    ----------------------

    5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more
    dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you
    wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

    ----------------------

    6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start
    driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will
    go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion
    tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the
    British sense of humour.

    --------------------

    7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
    calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
    It's all your blasted fault the prices are so high here.

    -------------------

    8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are
    not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are
    properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and
    dressed not with ketchup but with vinegar.

    -------------------

    9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer
    at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer,
    and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as
    Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound
    the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer.
    They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.
    American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all
    can be sold without risk of further confusion.

    ---------------------

    10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good
    guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English
    characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four
    Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed
    with a cheese grater. Ditto Kevin Costner as Robin Hood.

    ---------------------

    11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of
    proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in
    time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American
    football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or
    wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

    ---------------------

    12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
    event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of
    America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your
    borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will
    let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their
    deliveries.

    --------------------

    13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

    -----------------

    14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
    Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies
    due (backdated to 1776).

    ---------------

    15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups and saucers,
    and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (not cookies) and cakes; plus
    strawberries (with cream) when in season.

    --------------

    God Save the Queen!


  15. #15
    Tyre destroying, mad bastard menace
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    Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque.
    They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside.

  16. #16
    Tyre destroying, mad bastard menace
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    Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.

    "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender."Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy."

    That little O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

    "That he did," says Paddy. "A shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.""Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?"

    That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's bussom, and a thing of beauty it was, but utterly useless in a fight."


  17. #17
    motogp_nut
    Guest
    A farmer in Queensland had owned a large property for several years. There was a dam in one of the lower paddocks where the farmer had planted mango and avocado trees. The dam had been fixed up for swimming when it was built and also had some picnic tables placed nearby in the shade of the fruit trees.

    One evening the farmer decided to go down to the dam to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while, and on his way down grabbed a ten litre bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the dam he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he got closer the farmer saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his dam. He called out to the women to make them aware of his presence, and they all swam to the deep end.

    One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'

    The farmer frowned and said, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the dam naked...'

    Holding the bucket up, 'I'm here to feed the crocodile.'


  18. #18
    motogp_nut
    Guest
    Smart-arse answer #5
    It was mealtime during a flight on Alaska Airlines. 'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
    'What are my choices?' John asked.
    'Yes or no,' she replied.

    Smart-arse answer #4
    A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
    Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.'

    Smart-arse answer #3
    A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
    She asked a stock boy, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
    The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'


    Smart-arse answer #2
    A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, 'Low Bridge Ahead.'
    Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
    Finally, a police car comes up.
    The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
    The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.'

    Smart-arse answer #1
    A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
    'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
    A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
    The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
    When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and says, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'


  19. #19
    Aussie Streetfighter Hooligan
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    cop waiting by the road all day for a speeder finally sees abike racing down the highway,
    he pulls the guy over and says to him ina sneering voice "ive bin waiting all day for one of u fuckers to show up"
    towit the biker replies "well i got here as fast as i could"

  20. #20
    Tyre destroying, mad bastard menace
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    60 year old bloke reliving his youth goes out and buys a busa. gets it out on the freeway and decides to wind it up a little, he's travelling at 200 and notices the bacon with lights on behind him so he winds it out a bit further. he eventually stops and the copper says "mate why are you going so fast and why didn't you pull over when you first saw me?". The old bloke says "Mate my bitch Ex wife left me for a copper and i though you were trying to give her back".

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