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Thread: Jokes

  1. #521
    ASF Gold Full Member
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    So Nelson Mandela died at 95.
    Give credit where it's due, that's 5 mph faster than Paul Walker!
    If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you, I'd start thinking about you

  2. #522
    ASF Gold Full Member
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    bwahahaha that got a giggle
    I am very proud of my race....the fucking human race...........

  3. #523
    Bloke with a smaller stick
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    Benalla, Victoria, Australia.
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    Little Dennis came home from Koondoola Primary school pretty confused one day. His father was full blown Aboriginal and his mother was Jewish.

    Dennis asked his mother, "Mum, am I more Jewish or more Aboriginal?"

    "What does it really matter?" snapped his mother, "Ask your father when he gets home"

    When his father arrived home latter that evening, little Dennis ran straight up to him and asked "Dad ,am I more Jewish or more Aboriginal?"

    "What the hell kinda question is that?" his dad barked. "Why do you want to know such a thing?"

    "Well, it's like this dad," Dennis explained, "Tommy from down the street has a BMX bike for sale for $50, and I don't know whether I should jew him down to $25 or wait until it's dark and steel the fuck'n thing!"
    "It's the eighties and I'm down with the ladies"

  4. #524
    ASF Standard Full Member
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    TWERK:

    1. A provocative dance mainly involving pelvic thrusts and butt shaking.

    2. Where people from Yorkshire go between 9am and 5pm.
    Oblivious !!

  5. #525
    ASF Basic Full Member
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    Why do women have periods?

    Because they fucking deserve them

  6. #526
    Aussie Streetfighter Hooligan
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  7. #527
    Tyre destroying, mad bastard menace
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    Why are black people such good dancers?

    Because they spend the first 9 months of their lives dodging a coat-hanger.

  8. #528
    ASF Depleted Uranium Member Large's Avatar
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    The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife.
    They said "Is this your wife sir?"
    Shocked, I answered "Yes."
    They said "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."
    I said "I know, but she takes it up the arse and she's good with the kids

  9. #529
    Aussie Streetfighter Hooligan
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  10. #530
    ASF Gold Full Member StuNVA's Avatar
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    FIFTY SHADES OF GREY - (a husband's point of view)
    The missus bought a Paperback,
    down Shepton Mallet way,
    I had a look inside her bag;
    ... T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".
    Well I just left her to it,
    And at ten I went to bed.
    An hour later she appeared;
    The sight filled me with dread...
    In her left she held a rope;
    And in her right a whip!
    She threw them down upon the floor,
    And then began to strip.
    Well fifty years or so ago;
    I might have had a peek;
    But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
    She's eighty four next week!!
    Watching Mabel bump and grind;
    Could not have been much grimmer.
    And things then went from bad to worse;
    She toppled off her Zimmer!
    She struggled back upon her feet;
    A couple minutes later;
    She put her teeth back in and said
    I am a dominator !!
    Now if you knew our Mabel,
    You'd see just why I spluttered,
    I'd spent two months in traction
    For the last complaint I'd uttered.
    She stood there nude and naked
    Bent forward just a bit
    I went to hold her, sensual like
    and stood on her left tit!
    Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
    My god what had I done!?
    She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
    "Step on the other one"!!
    Well readers, I can't tell no more;
    About what occurred that day.
    Suffice to say my jet black hair,
    Turned fifty shades of grey.
    A priest checks into a hotel and says to the receptionist \"I hope the porn channel on my TV is disabled\". She replies \"No sir, it\'s just ordinary porn, you sick bastard\"

  11. #531
    Tyre destroying, mad bastard menace
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    What's the difference between a hooker & onions?

    I cry when I cut up onions

  12. #532
    Tyre destroying, mad bastard menace
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    I don't know why everyone's raving about Jesus feeding 5000 people with a couple of loaves of bread and a few fish. Hitler made 6 million Jews toast

  13. #533
    ASF Standard Full Member chinski's Avatar
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    Girlfriend just got a tattoo of a seashell on her inner thigh, if you put your ear up to it you can smell the ocean

  14. #534
    ASF Gold Full Member StuNVA's Avatar
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    A 13 year-old boy comes home from school and his mom asks how his day was. He replies, "I had sex with my teacher today."
    "Oh my god! You get to your room! Wait till your father comes home!" says the mum.
    A while later the father comes home and the mum says, "Go up to your son's room and talk to him. He's been really bad today."
    Dad goes up to the son's room and asks why mum is so mad. "I told her I had sex with my teacher today," replied the boy.
    "Alright! That's my boy!", says dad. "Ya know son, women just don't think like men. But I'm proud of you. What are you now, about thirteen, right? Wow. That's my boy! Ya know what? I'm so proud of you I'm gonna take you out and buy you that new shiny bike you've been wanting!"
    So the dad and his son go out and buy the nicest, reddest, shiniest bike in the whole town. "You gonna ride it home son?" asks dad.
    The boy replied, "Nah, my arse is still sore."


    A priest checks into a hotel and says to the receptionist \"I hope the porn channel on my TV is disabled\". She replies \"No sir, it\'s just ordinary porn, you sick bastard\"

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